Sexual Consent – There Are No Blurred Lines!

What does this word consent mean and look like anyway? So let’s break this down, waaaaaay down. I’m sure you’ve heard about consent by now, at least I hope so. 

It is becoming a bigger part of our society so it’s time we added some easy to understand information about it for you. 

Consent is actively (and hopefully enthusiastically) agreeing to any sexual activity with someone.

Not agreeing or being forced to participate unwillingly in any sexual activity (including oral, penetrative, phone, photo sharing, sexting, groping/genital touching and verbal) is sexual assault and/or rape.

Pretty serious right?

Planned Parenthood describes Consent as easy as FRIES

Freely given – it cannot be coerced.

Reversible – you can change your mind anytime.

Informed – you need the full story.

Enthusiastic – only do what you’re excited about, not what you’re expected to.

Specific– yes to one thing does not mean yes to everything.

You can always change your mind during any sexual act if you start to feel uncomfortable.

You can even ask to slow down.  The big ticket is communication.  Make sure that you are comfortable enough to speak your mind with whoever you are being intimate with.

If you don’t feel comfortable it might be an indication that you should wait.

Go slow. Take your time. Check in with yourself frequently.

Lets look at the people we are with.

We are not mind readers, and sometimes people don’t speak their minds, we get it.  So it is very important to take everything into consideration in the heat of the moment even when you are super excited.

What is their body language like?

Are they leaning closer or leaning away?  Hesitant?  Are they excited?  Check in with your partner?

Ask them if they like this or that, if you can kiss them here, or touch them there?

If they say yes, green light.

Do it.  If they say no, stop.  Ask them if they are ok.  If they pause, slow down, check in, see if you need to slow down or stop altogether.  They might just need to catch their breath.

But you won’t know unless you ask.

Communication is the key.

Consent violation is more and more pressing and recognised in society and comes in many forms.

For years the topic of clothing and how a person dresses has been portrayed in news and headlines as “asking for it.”

BBC’s Quickies portrays it quite well that what we wear does equal skiing for anything.

We see one of the actors barging into a conference room, dressed professionally and saying “I’m here for my promotion. Clearly I’m asking for it.” Or another dressed for vacation and leaving work stating that they didn’t need to clear it with HR because, I mean, look at what she was wearing.

Her intent was clear. Wasn’t it?

The clip sends a resounding message that what we wear is not consent.

It’s a no.

Over time, many have felt the need to be silent about their consent being violated.   But this is not the case.

It is important to confide in people you are close to, and if it is a serious offence, to contact the local authorities to ensure that this behaviour does not continue.

Violating Consent can look like any of the following.

  • Refusing to acknowledge “no”.
  • Assuming that wearing certain clothes, flirting, or kissing is an invitation for anything more.
  • Someone being under the legal age of consent, as defined by the law.
  • Being incapacitated because of drugs or alcohol.
  • Pressuring someone into sexual activity by using fear or intimidation.
  • Assuming you have permission to engage in a sexual act because you’ve done it in the past.

#Thisdoesntmeanyes

World famous photographer Perou started the campaign #Thisdoesntmeanyes, photographing 120 women in london at random to outline the rape culture that was happening in London.

Their website could not be more accurate when it comes to consent.

A SHORT SKIRT IS NOT A YES.  RED LIP IS NOT A YES. A WINK IS NOT A YES.

SLOW DANCE IS NOT A YES. A WALK HOME IS NOT A YES. DRINK BACK AT MINE IS NOT A YES.

A KISS ON THE SOFA IS NOT A YES. WHAT I WEAR AND HOW I BEHAVE ARE NOT INVITATIONS.

THERE’S A MYTH THAT SURROUNDS WOMEN

A MYTH THAT EMBROILS THEM.  WOMEN WHO DRESS OR BEHAVE SUGGESTIVELY, WOMEN WHO ARE PLAYFUL OR WHO ACT PROVOCATIVELY.   WHO FLIRT OR OPENLY DISCUSS SEX – THEY’RE ‘ASKING FOR IT’.

IT’S AN INSIDIOUS FABLE, AND IT NEEDS TO STOP.

EVERY WOMAN HAS A RIGHT TO FREEDOM OF EXPRESSION.

NO WOMAN DESERVES TO BE RAPED FOR IT and  NO ONE SHOULD BE ABLE TO BLAME RAPE ON A SHORT SKIRT.

A SHORT SKIRT CAN’T TALK – A SHORT SKIRT CAN’T SAY ‘YES’.

THE ONLY YES SHOULD BE AN ACTIVE AND EMBODIED ‘YES!’

But it is not only Women.

Consent is important regardless of gender, sexuality and diversity.

Too often we disregard a no and even degrade the importance of such topics because men have been seen to “handle it”.  Not only is it important to be respectful of ALL consent.

It is important to remember that many people have also been taken advantage of saying that consent has been violated when in fact it wasn’t the case.

So now in society not only are there Consent Violators, there are also False Stories of Consent.  Both can gravely hurt and injure a person’s psyche, mentality, self esteem and trust.

How can we tackle consent?

The above video is a brilliant representation of thinking of consent like offering a person a cup of tea.  That you can’t force a person to drink tea if they say no. You cannot get an unconscious person to drink tea.

A person can say yes, and then choose not to drink the tea once it arrives.

We can talk about consent.

Make it normal and break the stigma around keeping silent.  If someone discloses a moment when they were uncomfortable or their consent was compromised or broken, listen attentively and supportively.

Sympathise and ask if there is anything you can do to help them, or get them in touch with someone who could help.

Please try not to be dismissive when someone is visibly hurt or upset by something that has happened to them.

We can teach consent, constantly and consistently with everyone.

Everyone benefits from talking about consent.  The more we talk about our own experiences of asking consent in situations, the more we will all learn different ways to practice asking consent.

And it can be sexy.

Consent Examples everyone can try

 “Can I touch your arm” or “Can I kiss you?”

“Would it be all right I take off your shirt?”

“Can I hold your phone to look at that picture?”

“I would love to hold you closer, is that ok?”

“Would you like to try anal play?”

“Want to see some pictures of me naked?”

“Is this ok?”

“Does my ***** feel nice?”

Consent can be sexy and inviting when you use your imagination, when you’re enthusiastic and when you’re respectful.

About Consent
consent culture is sexy

Essential Guide On Consent

A word that is so heavily enforced but not so heavily taught within educational systems is what is Consent?

Consent in the dictionary is defined as “Permission for something to happen or agreement to do something.”

Whilst scrolling through social media or merely watching the news, it is becoming more and more apparent to me that the terms ‘consent’ and ‘sex’ are going further and further in the opposite direction.

You often hear of saddening violent stories in the media

About rape or sexual assault and action’s that have happened without someone’s Consent.  Consent is an ENORMOUS aspect of all situations in life, though especially in any sexual encounter.

It isn’t enough to assume that someone wishes to have sex with you just as much as you do.

Consensual sex and non-consensual sex is something we commonly discuss and thoroughly understand.  Though it seems to be a word that is slipping out of the world’s vocabulary and rather seen as ‘poor judgement’.

First things first, clothing and alcohol have absolutely NOTHING to do with knowing, understanding and respecting the word consent.

Looking back at my sex education in Primary School and High School, I do not remember EVER being taught about consent. What it is, and what it means if there is a lack of consent.

How disgusting that we are taught WHAT sex is, HOW to have sex, and how to have PROTECTED sex, but not how to have CONSENSUAL sex?

Is this a major fault in our education system?

Absolutely.

Should we be teaching from an early age about consent?

Absolutely.

Is this going to solve the problem and completely eradicate the problem?

Absolutely not – but it’s a damn good place to start.

There should be a regulated sexual education class that is compulsory that will talk about what consent is.

In any sexual encounter, it is of utmost importance to know that the other person/people involved are just as enthusiastic about having sex as you are. That the person is 100% certain that they wish to have sex with you.

Consent means that someone says YES to sexual activity.

Unbeknownst to children, young adults and many adults, not only is sex WITHOUT consent illegal, but it can be physically and emotionally damaging to a person for life.

It is also important to realise that though someone has given their consent, they are allowed and absolutely entitled to change their mind.

At any point in a sexual encounter it is your absolute right to stop the progression of activities if you so wish.  Remember, just because someone consents to kissing you, does not mean that they consent to intercourse.

sexual Consent Statement
Image: Consent Can Be Withdrawn At Any Time

How Can You Tell If Someone Has Given Consent?

ASK, ASK, ASK.

Getting consent is only a sentence away and quite possibly one of the most life changing sentences you could ever ask.

Below are a few simple sentences that could change yours or somebody else’s life by simply asking them.

  • Are you comfortable with this?
  • Would you like to go further?
  • Are you okay?
  • Would you like to stop?
  • Want to take a breather?
  • Do you want me to keep going?
  • Does this feel okay?
  • How do you feel about this?
  • Are you still into this?

Way’s To Tell Somebody Doesn’t Give Consent

Even Though They Haven’t Explicitly Stated So & What Means No?

  • Stiffening of their facial expression.
  • And Stiffening of their muscles.
  • Not responding to touch.
  • Doing nothing in return.
  • Pushing you away or holding their arms out.
  • Sobbing or crying.
  • Saying ‘not now’ or ‘maybe later’ ALSO means no.
  • If someone is asleep, unconscious, drunk, or under the influence of drugs, they cannot consent to sex and you should not accept their ‘yes’ as consent.

It is okay to say NO

There are other ways to slow down the progression of things if you are feeling uncomfortable.

  • Can we stay like this for a while?
  • Can we take a breather?
  • This is a little too much too soon.

If you are in a position where you feel you are in danger, are compromised or you are uncomfortable – it is okay to say NO.

Your right is to say NO.

Should you be the victim of non-consensual sex please seek assistance from your local rape crisis centre.

One Reply to “Sexual Consent – There Are No Blurred Lines!”

  1. Oh my, how exciting it is to finally read something of work on the topic of sexual consent – a concept so fundamental, yet so misunderstood in many societies! There are no blurred lines here, folks. No ambiguity, no confusion. Sexual consent is as clear as crystal and as vital as the air we breathe.

    Now, let’s get one thing straight – sexual consent is an enthusiastic, voluntary agreement between people about what they are comfortable doing with each other. It’s not a hesitant “maybe,” a coerced “yes,” or a silenced “no.” It’s an ecstatic, unambiguous “YES!” that is given freely and knowingly. And guess what? It can be withdrawn at any time! That’s right, consent isn’t a one-time deal. It’s an ongoing process that requires continuous communication and respect.

    There is no room for doubt or misinterpretation when it comes to sexual consent. A lack of response or uncertainty does not equate to consent. It must be explicit and obvious. If you’re thinking that this sounds too complicated or difficult to navigate – think again! It’s pretty simple: If you’re not sure if you have consent, then you don’t!

    So why are there no blurred lines? Because sexual consent is about active communication and respect for bodily autonomy. It’s about understanding that everyone has the right to say “no” at any time without fear of repercussion. It’s about treating people with dignity and recognising their agency over their own bodies.

    In conclusion, the concept of sexual consent is not a murky pond but a clear stream. There are no blurred lines because there shouldn’t be any. The formula is simple: No means no, silence means no, and only an enthusiastic yes means yes! So let’s celebrate this clarity and continue promoting the importance of active, ongoing, and enthusiastic sexual consent in our societies!

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