Consent – There Are No Blurred Lines!

Sexual Conent

What does this word consent mean?

And look like anyway?

 

So let’s break this down, waaaaaay down. You’ve probably heard about consent by now. It is becoming a bigger part of our society so it’s time we added some easy to understand information about it for you.

 

Consent is actively (and hopefully enthusiastically) agreeing to any sexual activity with someone.

 

Not agreeing, or being forced to participate unwillingly in any sexual activity (including oral, penetrative, phone, photo sharing, sexting, groping/genital touching and verbal) is sexual assault and/or rape.

 

Pretty serious right?

 

Planned Parenthood describes consent as easy as FRIES

 

Freely given – it cannot be coerced

Reversible – you can change your mind anytime

Informed – you need the full story

Enthusiastic – only do what you’re excited about, not what you’re expected to

Specific- yes to one thing does not mean yes to everything.

 

You can always change your mind during any sexal act if you start to feel uncomfortable. You can even ask to slow down. The big ticket is communication. Make sure that you are comfortable enough to speak your mind with whoever you are being intimate with. If you don’t feel comfortable it might be an indication that you should wait. Go slow. Take your time. Check in with yourself frequently.

 

Now we’ve looked at ourselves and consent, time to look at the people we are with. We are not mind readers, and sometimes people don’t speak their minds, we get it, so it is very important to take everything into consideration in the heat of the moment even when you are super excited. What is their body language like? Are they leaning closer or leaning away? Are they hesitant? Are they excited? Check in with your partner? Ask them if they like this or that? Ask them if you can kiss them here, or touch them there. Remove this piece of clothing. If they say yes, green light. Do it. If they say no, stop. Ask them if they are ok. If they pause, slow down, check in, see if you need to slow down or stop altogether. They might just need to catch their breath. But you won’t know unless you ask. Communication is the key.

 

Consent violation is more and more pressing and recognised in society and comes in many forms. For years the topic of clothing and how a person dresses has been portrayed in news and headlines as “asking for it.” BBC’s Quickies portrays it quite well that what we wear does equal skiing for anything. We see one of the actors barging into a conference room, dressed professionally and saying “i’m here for my promotion. Clearly I’m asking for it.” or another dressed for vacation and leaving work stating that they didn’t need to clear it with HR because, I mean, look at what she was wearing. Her intent was clear. Wasn’t it? The clip sends a resounding message that what we wear is not consent. It’s a no.

 

 

Over time, many have felt the need to be silent about their consent being violated. But this is not the case. It is important to confide in people you are close to, and if it is a serious offence, to contact the local authorities to ensure that this behaviour does not continue.

 

Violating Consent can look like:

  • Refusing to acknowledge “no”

  • Assuming that wearing certain clothes, flirting, or kissing is an invitation for anything more

  • Someone being under the legal age of consent, as defined by the law

  • Someone being incapacitated because of drugs or alcohol

  • Pressuring someone into sexual activity by using fear or intimidation

  • Assuming you have permission to engage in a sexual act because you’ve done it in the past

#Thisdoesntmeanyes

World famous photographer Perou started the campaign #Thisdoesntmeanyes, photographing 120 women in london at random to outline the rape culture that was happening in London. Their website could not be more accurate when it comes to consent:

A SHORT SKIRT IS NOT A YES.

A RED LIP IS NOT A YES.

A WINK IS NOT A YES.

A SLOW DANCE IS NOT A YES.

A WALK HOME IS NOT A YES.

A DRINK BACK AT MINE IS NOT A YES.

A KISS ON THE SOFA IS NOT A YES.

WHAT I WEAR AND HOW I BEHAVE ARE NOT INVITATIONS.

THERE’S A MYTH THAT SURROUNDS WOMEN, A MYTH THAT EMBROILS THEM:

WOMEN WHO DRESS OR BEHAVE SUGGESTIVELY,

WOMEN WHO ARE PLAYFUL OR WHO ACT PROVOCATIVELY,

WOMEN WHO FLIRT OR OPENLY DISCUSS SEX – THEY’RE ‘ASKING FOR IT’.

IT’S AN INSIDIOUS FABLE, AND IT NEEDS TO STOP.

EVERY WOMAN HAS A RIGHT TO FREEDOM OF EXPRESSION.

NO WOMAN DESERVES TO BE RAPED FOR IT.

NO ONE SHOULD BE ABLE TO BLAME RAPE ON A SHORT SKIRT.

A SHORT SKIRT CAN’T TALK – A SHORT SKIRT CAN’T SAY ‘YES’.

THE ONLY YES SHOULD BE AN ACTIVE AND EMBODIED ‘YES!’

 

But it is not only Women. Consent is important regardless of gender, sexuality and diversity. Too often we disregard a no and even degrade the importance of such topics because men have been seen to “handle it”. Not only is it important to be respectful of ALL consent. It is important to remember that many people have also been taken advantage of saying that consent has been violated when in fact it wasn’t the case. So now in society not only are there Consent Violators, there are also False Stories of Consent. Both can gravely hurt and injure a person’s psyche, mentality, self esteem and trust.

 

So How can we tackle consent?

The above video is a brilliant representation of thinking of consent like offering a person a cup of tea. That you can’t force a person to drink tea if they say no. You cannot get an unconscious person to drink tea. A person can say yes, and then choose not to drink the tea once it arrives.

 

We can talk about consent. Make it normal and break the stigma around keeping silent. If someone discloses a moment when they were uncomfortable or their consent was compromised or broken, listen attentively and supportively. Sympathise and ask if there is anything you can do to help them, or get them in touch with someone who could help. Please try not to be dismissive when someone is visibly hurt or upset by something that has happened to them.

 

We can teach consent, constantly and consistently with everyone. Everyone benefits from talking about consent. The more we talk about our own experiences of asking consent in situations, the more we will all learn different ways to practice asking consent. And it can be sexy.

 

Consent Examples everyone can try:

 “Can I touch your arm.”

“Can I kiss you?”

“Can I take off your shirt?”

“Can I hold your phone to look at that picture?”

“I would love to hold you closer, is that ok?”

“Would you like to try anal play?

“Want to see some pictures of me naked?”

“Is this ok?”

“Does my ***** feel nice?”

 

Consent can be sexy and inviting when you use your imagination, when you’re enthusiastic and when you’re respectful.

 

At your Service,

 

Tiffany

OhZone Adult Shop Sales Assistant, Educator and Consent Advocate.

Celebrity Nudes – Sexting Propaganda – Sexting Pedagogy!

Celebrity Nude

It’s all too familiar to wake up one morning and see the headlines about another celebrity involved with a nude photo scandal, so much so that it has lost all its scandalous shock value. This normalisation of celebrity nude images that is perpetuated by society, is arguably making an impression upon pre-teen and teenagers which is potentially detrimental to their self-image and self-worth. In our contemporary world it is near impossible to find someone without a smartphone or access to media through online platforms. The effect of this increasingly digitalised world is demonstrated though news outlets, celebrity news dominates over any other subject, leading us into an era of celebrity worship which is almost cult like.

These destructive social normative behaviours are illustrated through social media platforms, young people have access to leaked images of their idols often engaging in illicit activities and nude selfies. Youth have more than enough exposure to sexually explicit images which has led to a sexually desensitised generation, leading to lower sexual ethics than previous generations. Jennifer Lawrence is a prime example of a star caught up in a nude photo scandal when her iCloud was hacked, and her private images were released to the general public. Jennifer Lawrence is a well-known Oscar winning actress but despite her large fan base she did received a hefty amount of negative backlash for the images.

Kim Kardashian also was a victim of the iCloud hacking, unlike Jennifer Lawrence, Kim Kardashian rose to fame for her dating life and appearing in a homemade sex tape. Kim Kardashian who has appeared nude in magazines has monopolised on her physical attributes and is now a well-known brand. The difference between Kim Kardashian and Jennifer Lawrence is that Kim Kardashian has capitalised on the sexual exposure of her body whilst Jennifer Lawrence capitalised on her acting. However, through this the younger demographic is being taught that you can get famous for working on your talent and skills and be rewarded with fame and fortune, or you can allow yourself to be sexually exploited through promiscuity and be rewarded with the same fame.

Kim Kardashian has since married notorious musician Kanye West who is well-known for his misogynistic lyrics which devalues women “…We got this bitch shaking like Parkinson’s… Black dick all in your spouse again…” The use of misogyny through music as medium is and has been an issue for a long time, glorifying men’s sexual wants and desires to dominate women often with grotesque videos to match. Men are then able to ‘slut shame’ women and create victims out of them, ultimately gaining control and this is perpetuated in all aspects of media and society. This creates a vicious cycle of low sex ethics seen in celebrity-culture and is then manipulated and imitated in our own micro societies particularly seen in schools and workplaces. The effects of the normalisation of sexting has a greater impact on people who are not living pseudo-celebrity life as they are still being caught up in sexting scandals. Youth who see their favourite celebrities take nude images then allow themselves to partake in this behaviour and thus we are seeing the sexting movement.

These scandals have left impressionable youth surrounded by poor sexual ethics displayed by their idols, of course the youth of today is going to be affected socially, mentally and physically by this ongoing issue. The sexting propaganda perpetuates a false sense of security to our younger generations that the internet is a safe place for sexual communication, however in actuality once the internet has your images it is impossible to retract them. The discourse of sexting is reproducing the ideology that this is the new moral norm; the new sexual ethic is that sexting is the new form of courtship. While this issue of self-sexualising oneself through sexting impacts both sexes we are seeing females be placed at a higher risk of moral exploitation and social harm. Males also partake in the sexting culture but society does not teach men to be ashamed of their bodies, men are not devalued as harshly as their female counterparts. This results in a form of victim-blaming much like when a female is held responsible for sexual assault.

naked celebrity
paparazzi nude images

If anything is to be learnt from the celebrity hacking scandal, it is that now is the time to re-evaluate our current sexual ethics. As we try to counter the sexting movement through safe-sexting campaigns we are seeing strict moral boundaries being addressed for females and but not typically males. A sexual double standard being demonstrated here with sexting being gendered, as the media too often dramatizes a motif of females caught in sexting scandals. Victim-blaming females will not stop this imminent threat of exploitation, our society must stop the continuous humiliation and scrutiny of the female form. Both sexes must educate themselves in safe-sexting practises, teaching both sexes age-appropriate sexual pedagogy and sexual expression to prevent unsafe sexting issues.

A Gut Wrenching Answer To “Why People Rape?”

Kingston Slut Walk

Warning: This personal story contains information about sexual assault and/or violence which may be triggering to survivors.

It’s been 10 years since I was raped at the age of 15 a month shy of my 16th birthday, a lot has happened and this life event does not affect me the same way it used to. Maybe because I have grown as a person, maybe because I now understand the meaning of sex, maybe because I now enjoy sex, or maybe because so many other traumatic events have happened since that it has just become a matter of surviving instead of being the victim.

I no longer ask the questions of “why me” or “what did I do to cause it”, the question I ponder now is why do people rape, why do people sexually assault others?

What is rape/sexual assault?

Noun

1.

Unlawful sexual intercourse or any other sexual penetration of the vagina, anus, or mouth of another person, with or without force, by a sex organ, other body part, or foreign object, without the consent of the victim.

2.

Statutory rape.

3.

An act of plunder, violent seizure, or abuse; despoliation; violation:

The rape of the countryside.

4.

Archaic. The act of seizing and carrying off by force.

Verb (used with object), raped, raping.

5.

To commit the crime of rape on (a person).

6.

To plunder (a place); despoil:

The logging operation raped a wide tract of forest without regard for the environmental impact of their harvesting practices.

7.

To seize, take, or carry off by force.

Victim services define sexual assault as:

“Sexual assault occurs when a person is forced, coerced or tricked into sexual acts against their will or without their consent, or if a child or young person under 18 is exposed to sexual activities.”

What is non-consensual sex?

Not agreed to by one or more of the people involved: not consensual, non-consensual sex, non-consensually.

Adverb

“I pointed out that it’s always painful and infuriating when people are non-consensually manipulated into humiliating themselves to make someone else’s point” – Carol Queen

A Personal Story

Although after researching rape, sexual assault, and non-consensual sex I am still someone who does see a difference between rape and non-consensual sex, maybe because I am able to compartmentalise and separate my emotions or maybe because my own definition of rape was my experiences of my first time.

My first time was not normal as such, I have realised through my short 26 years that normal is not in my vocabulary. I walked my dog after school, at the same time I always did, the route I would always take daily. Maybe this was my first mistake, maybe I should have changed the times I went for walks or maybe I should have taken more notice of my surroundings, maybe I shouldn’t have worn short shorts, or maybe I did nothing wrong and I shouldn’t have to change myself because of someone else’s actions!

Sexual assault statistics
Image: Top 3 Cited Reasons Survivors Don’t Report

Why did I think maybe I was the issue?

Maybe because society tells us we shouldn’t wear skimpy clothing because it sexually arouses men, maybe women are over-sexualised, or maybe it’s because we constantly make excuses for other people’s behaviour instead of stopping it, maybe we are the ones who make it alright.

Maybe, maybe, maybe…

For someone to approach you is scary, for someone to come at you and tell you that they have been watching you for weeks is violating, for someone to basically corner you behind a building at a soccer oval is terrifying. For someone to keep following you is beyond wrong even after you politely reject their invitation to “engage in a conversation” and keep walking. Do you walk away fast, do you run, do you hide somewhere until they leave, do you go straight home or do you do another walk of the block so they don’t find out where you live?

But for someone to then grab you while your back has been turned, for someone to push you against a wall, kick your dog and push them behind a fence so they can’t protect you and then hold you down is brutal. You have to think, did I walk into their trap, did I subconsciously feel them following me, did they wait at the clubhouse because I always stop here to give my dog water, or was it just a coincidence that they happened to be here.

You blame everything on what YOU have done, not their actions. Having your period is confronting enough, especially being a new bodily function, but then having someone pull your shorts down and tell you, you are disgusting and vile because of what they see is shattering and indescribable. For someone to try to penetrate you vaginally but stop because you’re “gross” and then penetrate you anally instead with no remorse, no hesitation and no regard that you are a living breathing person is sadistic. For someone to then keep going until they tear you and leave you motionless and numb on the cold hard concrete not understanding what had just happened and then saying that you deserved this because “they” wanted this is inhuman and callous.

Sexual violence is so common because sex and violence are closely linked to our internal makeup. Both are passionate and both are often referred to as animalistic and explosive. The sex and violence connection is not the nemesis of the over-aroused man but instead an inherited ideology that has been written in history as the male-female dynamic. The male hormone and the act of dominance are both linked to the act of violence, which is a confronting realisation. Also, the act of dominance and violence are common and often acceptable ways in which males protect their mates in the primate world and human world. Its boundaries over the course of life have been set by society for what is acceptable and what is not, but it is also a society that chooses whether to encourage certain parts and draw the line on their definitions. Society says that women are more physically vulnerable by nature, the fact that men are stronger does not mean that it is OK to use that strength to overpower and dominate without consent. To deal effectively with sexual aggression we must understand and recognise that we are the issue. We are the ones in society that define what is right especially if it goes against human evolution and we need to stop victim blaming and address the issue at its core.

#metoo

Morgan x

Support survivors of rape
Image: Sexual Assault Awareness Month Quote

Author: Morgan is a consultant from Oh Zone Adult Lifestyle Centres

Dr. Stacy, How Do I Pleasure Myself Without Sex Toys?

Woman asking questions about sexual wellness and health

This week Dr. Stacy Friedman a clinical sexologist and certified sex coach has partnered up with Adultsmart to answer two anonymous questions which were emailed in to askasexologist@gmail.com.

Question

I am a virgin but always so horny. I always need to pleasure myself but I am getting bored of the ways I can do it as I would love a get a little kinky however I am not able to purchase any sex toys as I don’t live alone!  Is this normal? Can you help me?

Woman orgasming
Image: Virgin

Dr. Stacy Friedman’s Answer

Seeing that I don’t know all of your details, age, history, etc, I can answer basically and say yes it is totally normal to have a high sex drive as people have all different drives and there isn’t one that is considered “normal”. Since you are a virgin, you may have some built up sexual urges that are wanting to come out so you may be more horny that some because of that.  Masturbation is a healthy, normal part of sexuality so there shouldn’t be any shame or concern if you are enjoying yourself unless it is to a point where it is affecting your work, relationships, and daily activities.

There are many ways to get kinky without women’s sex toys by using different positions to pleasure yourself.  Maybe get a small bottle of lube that you can put near your lotions so it is discreet. When you take a shower, use the showerhead and see if you can get a good feeling from that or lie in a tub and let the water from the faucet run between your legs.  There are also many small sex toys you can keep in your purse that are quiet and may even be disguised as a lipstick or a blush brush so if they were found, nobody would think twice.  There are discreet pillows that can hold and hide sex toys or even lock boxes made specifically for toys to keep in a closet or drawer that nobody can open.  You can also look at some videos on your phone of some light porn if you think of things that may turn you on to give you some more ideas or to use your imagination for next time.  Hope this helps and you see that even though you don’t live alone, there are plenty of ways to pleasure yourself without any large toys to be found!

Question

With the news that has been making headlines recently about the sexual assault allegations with Harvey Weinstein, Kevin Spacey, Kesha Vs Dr Luke and the #Metoo campaign, I have found it hard to ignore memories of the bad experiences I had to face in my past. How do I manage the flachbacks I have been experiencing? What steps am I meant to take to begin coping with the sexual assault I have experienced?

#metoo sexual assault campaign
Image: Metoo Campaign

Dr. Stacy Friedman’s Answer

I am so sorry you have had to deal with any type of sexual harassment or assault as most of us women (and some men), myself included, have been through some kind of situation that sparks anxiety, frustration, and just bad feelings regarding a sexual action that was brought against us.  Being that I am a sexologist, not a sex therapist, I would highly suggest if you are having flashbacks and have never gotten any one on one therapy for the sexual assault that you have experienced, that you find a person near you that specializes in sexual trauma or abuse that maybe does EMDR to talk to.  My suggestion in the meantime until you find someone, is to do some yoga or breathing exercises that can keep you relaxed and find yourself a happy place in real life or in your mind that you can go to where it is safe and calm so you can be there while you breathe.  Know whatever happened was not your fault and you find a way to get to your inner strength, take a kickboxing class, karate class or something that makes you feel strong and do your best to move forward.  I hope you get the support you need and stay strong.

VIP Interview With Intimalogist Dr. Kat Smith

Intmaologist Dr Kat Smith

Dr. Kat Smith is Doctor of Human Sexuality (Intimalogist™ – Certified Intimacy Expert) and certified by the American College of Sexologists. An Intimalogist specialises in helping people connect with deeper levels of intimacy in their personal and sexual lifestyles by re-educating how they are able love and be loved. Dr. Kat Smith helps you look into the roadblocks and experiences that are preventing you from moving forward with your life and specialises in the area of sexual trauma recovery.

Through Dr. Kat Smiths well known appearances on Ted X, Good Morning America, Fox News and The 33, she has been able to become a voice for people who have experienced molestation, sexual assault and abuse. This is extremely important to spread awareness and understanding on a topic which can be incredibly difficult to talk about. Dr. Kat Smith had said

“Through my own traumatic history of molestation and rape, I know first hand what you are feeling, thinking and what may be blocking you from receiving and giving love at its fullest potential. Learning to seize your own pleasure and please your love has to be free of guilt, fear and past hurts. Letting go of the beliefs and experiences that stifle your sexual expression and intimacy is key in laying the foundation for your relationship.

By nurturing physical health, emotional intimacy and spiritual growth, I feel we can remove the confusion and discover the saboteurs that often times holds us back. By doing so we open up to cultivate a more holistic and healthy view of sexuality and love”.

She runs seminars, counselling, workshops, media events, individual sessions and couples sessions. The sessions can be run online, on the phone or in person.

Dr Kat Smith America's Intimacy Expert
Image: Dr Kat Smith Banner

Tell me about yourself

I have been helping couples repair relationships through intimacy re-education for over a decade. I earned a doctorate in Human Sexuality, I am a practicing Intimalogist™ (Certified Intimacy Expert), and a published authority on sexuality and relationships.

I am also an international expert who co-hosted two syndicated radio shows on ABC Radio Networks, Inc. and have been a guest expert on GMA, Huff Post Live, Good Morning Texas, WFAA Daybreak, KDFW Fox4, KDAF, CW33, and Ted Talks.

What is Intimalogy?

No one was really using this term and most people usually think of Entomology which is the study of bugs. But I’m not into the creepy crawlers even though I can bug the hell out of people.

Intimalogy as I explain it is the study of intimacy and all its intricacies as the foundation of our relationships. I refer to myself as an Intimalogist™ to draw more attention to intimacy as opposed to sex because I feel intimacy is so much more than just sexual intercourse.

What inspired you to become an Intimalogist?

I am a survivor of molestation and rape and always believed that because I came through my experiences with the ability to communicate and articulate how it feels to be violated and betrayed that I should use it to help others. I began with my radio show and it has grown from there. Personally, I have gone on to develop loving, caring healthy and satisfying relationships and I can help others do the same.

How does intimacy impact a person’s sexual lifestyle?

First there is the need to re-educate that intimacy and sex are not the same thing and there is much confusion surrounding the two. Intimacy, as I describe in my book the ABCs of Intimacy, is the nurturing, affection, respect, support, trust, communication, and more and yes sex is a component, but it lasts on average 7 minutes (okay, not including the fore and after play). I ask what are you doing with the rest of your time to truly connect with the one you love?

Sex is the beautiful physical expression of the lust, desire, passion or attraction we feel for another. Intimacy enhances and enriches the sexual experience by adding the emotional, mental and even spiritual aspects. We all can have sex with no attachments and that makes it strictly physical, but when you want something more or feel that something is missing, its intimacy. That connectedness.

What inspires you?

I am touched by so many people, their work or life examples. If I had to give one it would be Oprah because she seems to walk the path of survivor and inspire others to growth and enlightenment.

I am self-inspired and I try to live my life by this quote by C Rearie –

“When passion and skill come together you create a masterpiece.”

I want to inspire and teach people the skills to create masterpieces in their intimate lives.

Why does trauma have such a huge impact on a person’s sexuality, relationship and lifestyle?

Because it is one of the life experiences that create beliefs. It, along with religion, culture, race, society, the media, gender and more influence what I call our Love Perspective™ – how we view love, sex and romance. We have to sift through all our beliefs and habits to find our truth and in many cases grieve after trauma, because we lose a lot about the person we were before. For each individual that happens over time and for many it can take decades.

Trauma changes our brains and even our senses. We see this evident in PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder). Trauma affects how we feel about ourselves, others how we interact and if we feel worthy of love. We feel less lovable or less love ABLED – disabling love and intimacy in our lives. That is until we are given the tools to heal and rebuild each facet of our being so that we are once again radiant.

How do people learn how to let go of the experiences that hold them back?

They begin by examining the experiences that impact our lives for truth. Because of our Love Perspective™ we see things a certain way and it maybe due to how our parents taught us to believe.

We try to mask or cover up our garbage, but somehow the stench reminds us that we need to deal with it and get rid of it for good. That is what happened to me. I tried to stuff my pain down so far that it would go away, but it kept showing up in my behaviors until I finally dealt with me.

The late Lena Horne once said –

“Its not the load that breaks us down, it how you carry it.”

One of the reasons I feel so fulfilled about my work is that I can help people lift that burden and leave it for their own good.

What does therapy involve?

Therapy is individualized. I let the client dictate how we will work together. It may involve repeat exposure for trauma or learning communication skills or what is desired for sexual satisfaction for couples having some challenges. I have a lengthy intake questionnaire that I have each client fill out so that I can assess prior to our session and then we determine their needs from there. All of this happens in a safe and comfortable environment. It is imperative that they feel at ease and confident that I can help them with such intimate concerns.

What services do you offer?

Private counseling sessions for individuals and couples, in home therapy, family group therapy in the form of a Love Infusion™ and an evening with Dr. Kat which is an entertaining appearance at the customer’s event such as a bridal shower, slumber party or wine tasting. I also have an online school – School of Intimate Knowledge™ (@IntimateKnow) for classes on an array of topics.

What is the 30 Day Power Challenge?

Since my goal is to re-educate people about intimacy, the 30 Day Power Challenge helps you tone and build your intimacy muscles. It begins with 30 days of tips and information to help you create deep intimacy and reconnect romantically. It’s my gift to anyone who joins my list by becoming one of my IntiMates™ – a member of my exclusive list who receive information and freebies that I don’t share anywhere else. If after the 30 days, you want to unsubscribe you certainly can do so.

Intimacy Challenge
Buy Now | Sex Toys For Couples

Are there any questions of information you would like to add to the article?

Use my website DrKatSmith.com as a source for information. Feel free to read my blog posts and listen to Intimate Pleasures Podcast on Wednesdays 12 noon CST. I share valuable insight along with guests to help you navigate emotional waters and the journey to true intimacy.Save

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