The True Expectations Of Love!

Couple in love

Love is a variety of different emotional and mental states that range from the deepest interpersonal affection to a simple pleasure. Being loved and appreciated brings that feeling of being someone special. In a checklist of life, it stands out to be a significant checkpoint for some people, an important milestone, in order to have a blissful and successful life.

When we look around we have a feeling that everyone is being loved by everyone and we wish to have what everyone else especially when it comes to love. We see in different forms of media, couples in relationships exchanging words like “I love you sweetheart”, “I love you honey”, “I love you baby” and other similar phrases. We feel we are supposed to have that love and that love will surely make us cheerful. But does it?

If a husband forgets his wife’s birthday she starts thinking his love has diminished. If he doesn’t pay attention to her hairdo or doesn’t compliment her new attire, she nurtures doubts about his love for her. If a wife has a long conversation on phone with an office colleague horizontal lines appear on a husband’s forehead. Her omnipresence on social sites may have an adverse impression on his mind.  The words:

“He loves me, he loves me not.”

“She loves me, she loves me not.”

These words are a constant turmoil going on in the mind.

The Signs Of Love Is Not A Check Point Or A Tick Box

Thus love changes form and becomes a check point or a tick box that must be ticked if all is well or crossed out if it deviates from the trajectory. If love becomes a checkpoint, then it becomes a commodity, a thing to be bought in a mall, a possession and a status symbol.  When it is treated like a commodity, it becomes deceitful. So much so, people start expecting in return authentic love, unconditional love, pure and unadulterated love. Just like interest on the fixed deposits in the bank, dividends on shares and statutory bonus on a yearly salary.

This, then is not an honest transaction. People approach love like they are buying a smartphone. It must have three years warranty, unbreakable glass, latest operating system, dual camera, headphone socket and countless built-in memory. And oh, it should work trouble free! Ultimately seekers of such unconditional love become sad. Waking up each day, tearful and sobbing, not knowing or understanding why nobody has stuck around.

Love is not a checkpoint. It is not a checkbox. People are not objects. Neither are they commodities. People are living beings. They have flesh, blood, a heart and a mind. Treating them as merchandise certainly kills the desire, the wish, and the expectations of real love.

Couple looking to the future
Image: Loving couple

What Is True And Real Love?

Real love is a labor. A pledge, an effort, and a commitment. The same way as we do our job. Do we stick our business card on our forehead to announce who we are, just to tell people our title and designation? No.  Love is not a showpiece either. It is an investment made day by day.  Every day deeply caring for the other person. That is why love is hard to get. Good people cannot be chosen like it is done in a game of musical chairs. Good people are the privilege to have on your list. Treat them with respect. Reciprocate their feelings.

We reap as we sow, we get what we give and that includes treating other people honestly, with poise and esteem that we wish back in return.

What is sacred? Of what is the spirit made? What is worth living for, and what is worth dying for? The answer to each is the same: only love.

This is what Don Juan had said.

Adultsmart’s blog is proud to announce the newest expert Dr. Satish Bendigiri to our blogging team.

Dr. Bendigiri holds a Ph.D , MBA, M.Com, B.Com, DPM and has corporate experience relating to human resources and public relations. He was a Director at Deogiri Institute of Technology and Management Studies, Aurangabad of Maharashtra State, and was also a Professor at Bharati Vidyapeeth Deemed University, Pune. He currently works as a freelance consultant. He writes passionately about love, marriage and growing together.

Changing The Face Of Pornography

Woman in porn

I want to change the definition of porn and here is why;

I have recently watched the Netflix show Big Mouth (I definitely recommend it) and in one of the episodes a steamy book is circulated around the characters and one of them, Jay is very confused by this “wait a minute, you’re telling me all these girls are walking around reading porn!” And this, along with the recent Fifty Shades release, a few recent documentaries had me thinking, what do we as a society really classify as porn and is it changing?

What Is Porn And How Is It Changing?

Most people know the old adage when it comes to the porn vs art debate of “knowing porn when I see it” but with a society that is increasingly permeated by hypersexualised imagery, easily accessible sex videos etc is that something we can really say anymore?  We adults may “know porn when we see it” but do the kids?  They unlike us have grown up constantly able to easily access this content and are somewhat desensitised to it, so when they are grown ups will they know porn when they see it?

The point I am getting to is that maybe we need to start, as a society, begin to have a conversation around porn, its place and definition. Not to limit or sensor but to tackle the issues that are arising out of porn’s increased sales, accessibility, use and participation.

Talking to my little brother who is now 15 it becomes very clear that this conversation is far overdue. Last time I was home I made him sit down with me and have a talk. He knows what I do for work and because of that he feels that I am the best person to talk to (I’m not sure about best but if he is talking I’m happy) and what started out with questions and clarifying terms has begun to evolve into a discussion around porn and how it should be viewed.

Porn And How It Is Viewed

Many kids first contact with porn is way before their parents believe it is (kids as young as 7 or 8 have reported regularly accessing pornography via the internet) and because these young minds are entering this very confronting world with little to no guidance they begin to form their opinions on sex based on what they see on the screen. My little brother did.  He believed that if the size of his penis wasn’t close to that of the guys on the screen, girls wouldn’t like him. And the penis size question was just the start.

We then began talk about how the act of sex is nothing like it is depicted on the screen. I came to him with his analogy, porn is like an action movie. In real life most days you will walk down the street with little to no car chases, explosions etc it’s the same with porn. When you have sex it will be much less over the top and more real. This seemed to help something click with how he viewed porn and I hope this has moved him to a place where he can enjoy porn but see it for what it really is, a fantasy.

The problem is not every family has a loud mouth older sister who works in a sex shop and is constantly thinking about these issues and that can make it harder. Couple this with the fact that porn seems to becoming part of the societal norm and we have the makings for a perfect storm of confused horned up kids that need guidance.

The First Step Is To Define What Porn Is

For me the first step is about defining what porn is and I think for so many people my definition will make them uncomfortable. I think we should define porn as any content (image, book, video and advertisement) that aims to arouse. Now, before we continue I know this will include images and content that is currently not considered porn and I want that. But do not misunderstand me I’m not asking for these things to be gotten rid of or kept for adult eyes only rather I would like people to engage in a conversation with their children around the meaning of these images, their repercussions and effects so when they do come to sex videos and imagery (what is considered porn now) that will have some context into how they can approach this content. I want to remove the stigma and whispers from the word “porn” and use it as a correct term for sexualised images.

Sexy woman in lingerie
Image: Sexualised Imagery

I also believe that this re-definition of porn would force a lot of people to reconsider the images and content they engage with and hopefully bring a level of awareness to sex’s real presence in our daily lives. This increased discussion could mean that the types of conversations I have with my brother can be a regular occurrence in houses with teenagers, it could mean that people who have worked in porn experience less stigma later in life, we as a society could see a change of our attitudes towards sex that have us being more open and more honest.

The reality is my wanting to change the definition of porn and consider more things under this term doesn’t change a thing, sex and porn will still be there, so will advertising using sex to sell but at least if we give it a name hopefully channels of discussion will open up and our young people won’t feel lost by the often confusing and unspoken rules we are all meant to learn but no one is teaching.

Author: Jamie is a consultant from Oh Zone Adult Lifestyle Centre

Jennifer works marketing at Adultsmart an online sex toy shop. She has a non-judgemental approach to sex, sex toys and sexuality. Her favorite saying is if it feels good and right and is not illegal then why not!

14 Essential Tips For The Perfect Blow Job!

Blow job

When I first started high school, I remember a girl, you know the type, the one who was really loud and confident and already had boobs! Well, she passed around a survey for us to all fill in and it was titled “Are you square test” (Yes, I am old enough that people actually used the word “square” without irony).  Basically it was a list of sexual terms, we had to write what they meant and whether we had done them… it was totally mortifying. The furthest I had gone was to first base with a pillow and the back of my own hand!

Now, thankfully I have blocked out the aftermath of that test from my memory, but I still remember blow job being on there. Giving head, oral sex, going down – with any of these phrases maybe I could have hazarded a guess. God only knows why it’s a popular euphemism that happens to have nothing in common with the act itself. This was in the days before the internet. Boy, Google could have helped me out of a few sexual embarrassments, that’s for sure.

Well, now I know that the simple act of putting a man’s penis into one’s mouth is one of the most important sexual practices to get right. Nearly all men love them, a big number of those even prefer them to sex, and an unwillingness to give them will certainly have been the cause of many relationship break ups.

Why God chose to plant our favorite sexual pleasure gardens right next to the sewers eludes me, all I know is you can look and sound like Pauline Hanson but if you give him really good head, he is probably coming back. With the help of some chats with friends, an experienced professional escort and a bit of Google, I will attempt in a few paragraphs to give you some hot tips. Before you get too excited I have to say that unfortunately as with most things sexual, one size does not fit all, all men are different. I don’t think the majority of men will complain if you follow a few of these simple tips.

14 Tips To Give A Perfect Blow Job

Dress Up For It!

Even if you haven’t got a clue what you are doing you can disguise that by being completely overdressed for the occasion. Fellatio is as much about the look as the sensations. I always think it is best to kneel down in front of your man, preferably in front of a mirror. Because you still have your clothes on, it makes it clear that you only want to concentrate on one thing. Men love that.

Take Your Time And Try Edge Play

Which brings me to the most important thing of all. If you are not in the mood to make some effort then don’t bother. This should be taking you at least 20 minutes! Don’t think of it in terms of what you do and don’t like doing, think of it in terms of how you can give your man the most amount of pleasure. Take your time and then take even more time. I know my partner and those of many of my friends are big on this. The aim of the game is to take them to the edge as many times as you can if you feel him about to cum, then change tempo and tease.

Make Some Delicious Noises

Make lots of appreciative noises, the “mmmms” will vibrate too and feel great.

Show Your Appreciation

Don’t just dive down there, talk dirty about how much you want it, if you can (nothing worse than awkward dirty talk). Don’t worry if you can’t do it, just maintaining eye contact while you kiss and lick your way down his body will do the trick. Hopefully, he will be rock hard before you even get his zip undone and don’t forget to make sure you show how much you admire his dick once it is there in front of you.

Giving head
Image: Woman licking lollipop

Keep Your Teeth Away

You don’t have to blow, it isn’t a trumpet. Turns out, you don’t even have to suck, and if you have false teeth this is one time it is an absolute advantage. Cocks and teeth don’t mix unless requested of course and then you will require exact instructions, as I don’t have to tell you it is very sensitive down there, particularly if he is uncircumcised. Yes keep your teeth away, you can even close your lips over them to make sure.

Keep Him As Wet As Possible

The other main thing is it needs to be as wet as possible, down there. We sell loads of flavoured lubes that are absolutely gorgeous. They will help you on your way and make it more pleasant for you, I personally recommend the flavoured lube brand Wicked especially the salted caramel flavour. Muster up as much spit and saliva as you possibly can. You are also not bobbing for apples, use your hands too. My escort friend suggested rubbing the shaft gently at first then more firmly twisting your palms, a bit like a fire stick but without the speed and pressure.

Keep His Balls Satisfied And Experiment With Anal Play

Take his balls in your mouth too, humming or gently sucking and rub your finger on his perineum, the little line between his anus and testicles. Some guys like a sneaky pinky up the bum too, especially when it is near cum time, the more adventurous and experienced amongst you might like to gently pull out anal beads during the money shot.

Use Different Areas Of The Mouth

Start as gently on his most sensitive areas as you would on your own, use your tongue, roof, and sides of your mouth. It is in his interest to let you know what he likes, so he will probably send you signals if he wants it firmer. Stay in control.

Always Stay Safe

Two other quick tips, don’t let him fuck your mouth and push your head onto his dick if it isn’t your thing.  To be honest, and I might be wrong, but this is the stuff that readily available free internet porn sells us as the norm. Beware of a guy that grabs hold of your ears… (Yes, that happened to me once).

Ask Him What He Likes

As I said before, all men are unique so ideally ask him what he likes, good sex is a process of discovery about each other. If you are intent on deep throat action, then I suggest practice on a dildo from our adult stores.

Try Gagging

You are not expected to be a sword swallower and some guys love it when you gag, never be embarrassed, it makes them think they have a massive cock.

Remember To Breathe

Try to breathe through your nose too so you don’t have to come up for air too often.

Experiment With Temperature Play

Make it fun, experiment with temperature, drinking a mouthful of hot tea, spitting it back and resuming the action, alternate tea with iced water.

Should You Spit Or Swallow?

When it is time to cum then there is the question of whether you want to spit or swallow. If you spit then make sure you have a tissue nearby. If he wants you to swallow but you really don’t want to but at the same time you want to please him, just pretend and let it all dribble out of the side of your mouth like a porn star. You can always say I really want you to cum on my tits. If you do swallow then that is all good, although he had better be willing to kiss you afterwards!

Oral sex
Image: Woman licking a cherry

Author: Emily is a consultant from Oh Zone Adult Lifestyle Centres

Jennifer works marketing at Adultsmart an online sex toy shop. She has a non-judgemental approach to sex, sex toys and sexuality. Her favorite saying is if it feels good and right and is not illegal then why not!

Bisexual’s Bi-curious Facts And Figures

Woman on Woman, Men on Men

In this article, we are going to talk about the question “what is bisexuality?”.

What is a bisexual?

A bisexual is a man or woman who is sexually attracted to both sexes. There are varying degrees of bisexuality. People can find out they are bisexual at different stages in their life.

Is bisexuality common?

Bisexuality is extremely common nowadays. You will find many bisexual people around you without even knowing it. In the United States of America, 9 million Americans (3.5%) identify as lesbian, gay or as sexually promiscuous. Around 19 million Americans (8.2%) have reported that they have participated in same-sex sexual conduct and about 25.6 million Americans (11%) have some same-sex sexual fascination. There are additionally about 700,000 transgender people in the US.

Bisexual information
Image: Bisexuality

In Australia, 11 in 100 people are diverse in their sexual identity or gender identity.


LBGT statistics
Image: Australian LGBTI Facts and Figures

Is it wrong to have sexual desires for both sexes?

It is not wrong to have these desires or engage in bisexual behaviour. It is actually very normal and many people do – even people who consider themselves to be straight. It is not a crime! You have the full right to enjoy your life in any way you like as long as it is not at the expense of others! Some people suppress their sexuality due to what they have been taught through their families, friends, religion and society.

Why do people explore their bisexuality?

Many people will explore their bisexuality to find out their true sexual identity. It is better than living in the closet. Bisexuality can add an excellent spark in your sexual lifestyle. If you consider yourself as a bisexual, you can explore your bisexuality in a number of ways.

Many people are not aware of their bisexuality

Sexual thoughts can be confusing especially if you don’t have a lot of sexual experience. Many people have secret desires to experiment and experience intimacy with people of the same sex. Some people view themselves as a straight person who can get turned on by the same-sex. Some straight people even watch gay porn, bisexual porn and lesbian porn. Many people fantasize about having a threesome and some actually do it. Threesomes are considered to be a bisexual fantasy even if both the lovers you are with are of the opposite sex.

It is not like homosexuality, where you slowly discover that you’re attracted to the same sex but it can be even more confusing. Bisexuals do not get a clear cut definition of who they like and don’t like, rather they experience a blurred landscape whereby they discover that they have feelings for both sexes and they struggle to identify with this. Some people do not know whether they are bisexual or not.

Is there a test to identify a person’s sexuality?

The Kinsey Scale rates people from 0 to 6. A rating of 0 means that a person is exclusively heterosexual and a rating of 6 means that a person is exclusively homosexual. People are also able to rate in-between these numbers. The Kinsey Scale determined that sexuality is not only situational but there is no standard sexuality. The Kinsey Scale is also known as the Heterosexual–Homosexual Rating Scale.

Some bisexuals conceal their sexual identity

Most bisexual people do not want to bring attention to their sexual identity. In fact, they tend to conceal their sexual identity and make friends in general social circles. This often presents enormous pressure when a bi person gets to know a person more intimately as they then have a dilemma as to whether to tell their new friend their sexual identity. If two bi people live together with each other then they can better understand each other and they also can support each other whether they are in a relationship together or not. But bisexuals often try to hide their true selves, they often fail to find the perfect partner for them as a bisexual person.  It is really difficult to find the perfect bisexual partner when often they do not know whether a person is bisexual or not. Normally people say that to find the perfect partner is very difficult but finding a bisexual partner is even harder than that.

It is important to keep in mind that there can be many issues when someone comes out with their sexuality which is one of the reasons some people do not talk about their sexual preferences. One of the other reasons is that most of the time a person’s sexual identity does not come up in day to day conversation. Although times have changed with the raising of awareness of different sexual identities and the legalisation of same-sex marriage almost all around the world!

Bisexual Pink Purple Blue Flag
Image: Bisexual Flag

How to meetup and date other bisexuals?

A quick and very useful way to find and make bisexual friends and lovers is to use adult dating websites and applications. Once you meet up, you both have the opportunity remain friends, become lovers or move on and find someone completely different. When trying to find a dating match you should be patient and meet up when the timing is right. Love who you are and your sexuality, share your love with the person who you choose is your best match. If they see you trying, they may try just as much as you do.

Bisexuals and long term relationships

Some people are afraid that if they had a relationship with a bisexual that there would be relationship problems. People are often scared that a bisexual may leave them for a person of the same or opposite sex as there is more people that they can choose to date. Some people are scared that may never be able to fully satisfy a bisexual. Some people also struggle to understand that someone can be attracted to multiple types of people. There are many myths about bisexuals.

The truth is, many people get through life, believing that the person that they have married is the love of their life, but they inevitably realise that there is something missing within their lives. Some people act on this, either in the form of threesomes or with an extramarital affair, and others will simply ignore this and move on.

Many bisexuals can have a monogamous relationship with just one long term partner even though they have an inclination to be with a person of the opposite sex to their partner. If you are married or in a committed relationship and you are planning on exploring your sexuality, it is recommended that you honestly communicate with your partner your sexual needs.

If you intend to build a serious relationship with a bisexual person then you will need to accept the idea that your partner may find people of both sexes attractive. Remember, a leopard cannot change it’s spots no more than a bisexual can change their sexual desires. Take your relationship slowly, be as open and honest when you’re dating. If you create a foundation of honesty and trust, you can build a healthy relationship.

Bisexuals and sex toys

There is now a large range of sex toys for bisexuals including strapless strap-ons, strap-on dildos and harnesses.

Are there any bisexual celebrities?

There are a lot of celebrities and YouTube stars who are bisexual including Drew Barrymore, Angelina Jolie, Amy Winehouse, Lindsay Lohan, Shane Dawson, Lady Gaga and Marlon Brandon just to name a few who come to mind! Below I have included a video of the YouTube star “Shane Dawson” who has over 16.4 million subscribers on his YouTube channel.

Why do people love bisexuals?

Many people love bisexual people as they are conscious of their sexuality and needs within a relationship.

Richard runs the marketing and social profiles of adultsmart and adultsmart blog. He has been in the industry just over 10 years and enjoys his role both in an administrative capacity as well keeping abreast of issues relating to sexual health and lifestyles.

Unheard Of Ways BDSM Play Trumps Vanilla Sex

BDSM play

Between the love life of Bella and Edward in Twilight – to the craze that became Fifty Shades, there’s little doubt that bondage, fetish and kink are the new ‘in’ thing. BDSM mania has taken over the bedroom lives of countless couples across the globe with the breaking down of the walls that was once seen as taboo, dirty or naughty is slowly becoming normalised and with it comes the research on our sex lives.

What Studies On BDSM Have Suggested

The first Fifty Shades erotic novel burst onto the scene in 2011. Scientists, sociologists and sexologists across the world watched in fascination as the normally hidden doors of our sex lives burst open. Following this, a report in 2013 sought to further normalise BDSM by suggesting that practitioners of BDSM led healthier lives than their vanilla counterparts. How can this be? This is despite the fact that in 2013 the sexual preferences of BDSM practitioners were still listed in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. That’s right – the four ‘fetishes’ Bondage, Dominance/Discipline, Sadism and Masochism are considered on the spectrum of mental disorders. With that in mind – how can BDSM be concurrently defined as being healthier for relationships and categorised on the mental disorder spectrum – when it causes harm to the practitioner or to others? Fear not – the categorisation of BDSM on the spectrum has long been debated and continues to be debated to this day and hopefully, eventually, it will be removed from the list.

Image: BDSM Whipping

In the meantime however, if you’re paying attention to a study from 2015 written by Christian Joyal from the Université du Québec à Trois-Rivières – of the people interviewed a whopping 65% of women, and 55% of men had fantasies about being dominated. Further, 47% of women, and 60% of men had fantasies about sexual domination. This indicates that more than half the percentage of the population has interests in BDSM – specifically in the exchange of power. Arguably, an omnipresent theme within the Fifty Shades franchise.

An article in 2006 by the Journal of Psychology and Human Sexuality made comparisons between vanilla individuals, and people that engage in BDSM practices. On average, practitioners and engagers of BDSM activities scored lower levels of depression, decreased anxiety and less post-traumatic stress disorders. Further, a Norwegian study concluded that practitioners of BDSM that had engaged in a play session/scene in the previous few weeks generally experienced a higher level of well-being and satisfaction most notably within their feelings of security, psychological health, and self-esteem. The question then becomes – what makes this situation healthier than vanilla sex? This is where data gets murky and that’s for several reasons. Firstly, everyone engages in BDSM practices for different reasons, and as it is such a diverse activity it’s difficult to ascertain what individual people get out of the experience. There are some common elements amongst it all which we can explore today.

Common Elements In BDSM Practices


Communication is one of the most important elements of bondage play. When beginning any kind of kink and fetish scene, you first need to check in with your sexual partner as to what they might enjoy. This conversation about sex, about likes and dislikes, and about fetishes is an intimate discussion and can help bring couples closer together. It’s a space of vulnerability, about openness and trust, and these are three things that are important to the foundations of any long lasting and healthy relationship. When it comes to the terms bondage, dominance, submission and kink – negotiation and boundaries are key to each other’s understanding and safety. This negotiation sees the bottom in control with the top/dominant respecting and being respectful of the boundaries provided.


We all, in some varying degrees, enjoy the element of control. Which is why, especially during scenes of dominance, when control is ‘taken’ away from us willingly, we can find great balance in that. It’s no small wonder that a lot of high profile individuals, enjoy submitting to a sexual partner because it’s during that letting go moment that they find a chance to relax, breathe, and engage in a different mindset that they don’t normally engage with.  This is while ignoring the idea that being a submissive indicates all power is removed from them (when it is in fact the submissive who holds the most power within a scene).


Bondage scenes can boost self-esteem exponentially. When you’re engaging in rope play, or restraint play – there are moments when your body is on full display. There’s no hiding it, there’s no hiding under the sheets or the cover of darkness. Yet, despite being so vulnerable and exposed – your sexual partner is still engaged with the scene. Providing stimulation, adjusting the bondage ropes, handcuffs or restraints, or changing the position of a toy and so forth – this experience can be incredibly uplifting as you learn to succumb to the scene, the emotions and the sensations and letting go means that your self-esteem is going to sky rocket. The truth is, the feeling of being in control can also be about the ability to let go. It can be cathartic, therapeutic in the sense that they exert control in every other aspect of their lives, except this moment. By letting go, enjoying the moment they can find great benefit to their mental health.

These might seem like three small things, but when you’re sitting back and enjoying everything that BDSM and kink sex has to offer, with someone that you trust and respect, you’ll quickly not only find yourself simply letting go, but also enjoying sex to the fullest. Here’s to your health!

Author: Stephen Smith – BA Of Social Sciences, M.Ed

Stephen is a cis-gendered gay male who spends far too much time with his two cats and eating tim tams. A self-identified sex-positive advocate he cares deeply about gender equality, disabilities, sexual education and social issues. Opinionated and bold he isn’t afraid to speak his mind and say what others won’t. With a yearning for knowledge and experience in all things relating to sex, he is a prolific writer that has developed the content for a myriad of informative Sexual Health and Wellness websites.

Stephen’s articles and writings tends to focus on social issues, sexual education, queer issues and all things fetish and absurd. He comes qualified with the completion of a double Bachelor degree in Social Sciences and literature, and a Masters in Education.