Friends With Benefits – Where Does That Lead?

friends to have sex with
OMG! I think that pregnancy has turned my brain to mush… It’s taken me 12 billion years to write 800 words. LOL. Just some musings about my relationships with men who are now more like my brothers than the FWBs that they started off as.

From Lusty Friends with Benefits to Luncheon Partners


I don’t really understand where that proverbial line in the sand was drawn and why I have never realised when I had crossed it. It’s a strange thing when lust becomes friendship. I’m not saying that it’s a bad thing. It’s actually probably better for my mental health that way.


This seems to happen in my life quite a bit… I’m still not sure why though. No, really! A friends with benefits from a million years ago is now like my brother. I’m planning drinks and dinner for next year with a Tinder hook-up from earlier this year. And I still have sessions of inappropriate banter with a bootie call that I met on Plenty of Fish 6 years ago.


Yeah, everyone who sees Adam and I together just assume that we are a couple. We finish each other’s sentences, poke fun at each other and even travel together. But this friendship that I have with Adam started as good old friends with benefits.

ex friends with benefits
Lunch partners


When you live in Darwin, you discover that the world is a small place and that Darwin is even smaller. Everyone knows everyone else. I met Adam through 3 different friends who all said that he had a ‘difficult personality’. Challenge accepted! That was until my friend decided that she’d call dibs on pursuing him. Honestly, I wasn’t confident enough in myself to butt in an challenge her.


Turns out that I didn’t have to. He wasn’t interested in her at all and he and I would drunk chat for hours about nothing in particular. We fell into a comfortable FWB arrangement that lasted for 12 months until we both ended up in relationships with other people. When those relationships ended we went back to our kebab date nights and movie watching minus the sex.


10 years on, I am closer to him in a brother/sister kind of way than I am with my actual siblings. We both laughed until we cried recently while on holidays. One of his friends asked him why we weren’t having sex while we were travelling and both of us automatically looked at each other, shuddered a little and burst out laughing because we both look at it as sleeping with a sibling.


Since our Tinder initiated hook up in January of this year with Mr K, a Zurich based Dom, we have remained in contact. I didn’t really think that, after Mr K left the country, we would have much more contact until he returned to visit his brother next year. But it seems that we have settled in to a really lovely friendship. The ease of real-time connectivity these days is great for interacting with friends who happen to be on the other side of the planet.


We’re already planning where we’re going to catch up for dinner and drinks next year. Because it will be relatively soon after my little boy is born, I had mentioned that to him that I may not be ready to play again. His response surprised me… ‘Just want to see you. Playing is 100% your choice’.


He also checks in with me every few weeks to see how my little baby is growing and to make sure that I’m still doing well. It all seems very civilised. It’s hard for me to trust people who are new to my life. How can this man, whom I have only interacted with a handful of times, make me feel so secure and comfortable? Much like my friend Adam, I feel as though I have known him for years!


Last and very not least is Jimmy. There’s something to be said for old fashioned country boys. Here is a man who has been messed about by entitled women and just the world in general. After many years, we have kept in contact and now have a great platonic relationship.


Even going so far as him introducing me to his new dates and bitching to me when things take a downward turn. He’s also super protective of me, but not in a jealous way. Offering to proverbially ‘teach them a lesson’ when I have had relationships end.


I love all of my protective male friends. Although, I do think that when I start new relationships, they inevitably end up feeling jealous of the bond that I have with my male friends and I end up comparing how I interact with my friends v’s a partner.


I keep thinking, is this what happens when you make friends with old fashioned gentlemen, or is just the lack of sexual expectation? Kind of a been there, done that, now it’s in the too hard basket. Maybe it’s that I feel like the permanency of a lasting relationship is hindered by overwhelming sexual attraction. Scared that once that has waned, the want to stay goes with it. Whatever the case may be I’m glad to have men like this in my life.

ZOOM, ZOOM, Zumio!

Zumio Sex Toy Review
Oh, my goodness me  Well, first of all i will start off by saying I  am so lucky to work in a shop that gives me the privilege of testing out some delightful adult toys.
To me, on  first opinions, I have to say,  it looked a little bit  like a cheap pen that my little 7-year-old girl would find and bring home. As it happened ….she actually did! She thought she could floss her teeth with it !!! ARRRGGGHHH!…. Thankfully she didn’t!
Now, this strange looking toy apparently won an award for the best new product at the Adultex Trade expo. I thought to myself, What is this Adutlex Expedition you speak of? It sounds like nonsense, I googled it and sure enough it is a bonefide respected organisation. More reliably  though, I then  also  heard from some of my fellow  staff members that this was a toy to be revered and respected  and  that it  was actually amazing! One  was a member of staff who is an absolute aficionado of sex toys. I take her opinions very seriously,  So, I thought to my self I will give this little tinker a try.
Zumio Sex Toy
Zumio Clit Vibe
The night drew in, the sun was setting and  the kids were snoring, and I found my self reaching for the small  odd purple device. I had zero expectations going on appearances. Zero! (never judge a book by its cover). All of sudden, as if by magic, that silly looking pen like device found its way to my clit!
 I wish I could tell you it was all spasms, and rainbows , unicorns and orgasms, but no ,sadly  it wasn’t. Now …If you like ridiculously intense very focused vibrations , you are going to probably laugh and squeal out loud and praise God for who ever created this.  I, on the other hand prefer something a little  bit less intense.
But then something magical happened, I manouvered its little purple swirling, twirling, whilning head gently below my clitoris to the base of my labia. That little often underused and under appreciated  area between the  bottom and vagina, and hey presto! I came! The intensity makes the vibrations travel over the whole area.
There are 8 settings on the Zumio, and I would definitely recommend starting on the lowest and working your way up, it is , however incredibly easy to use The buttons on the toy are great.  there are only three.I hate faffing around with a zillion different options.  One is the on and off button and the other two simply change the intensity up and down. I have had a customer say that she didn’t like the placing of them and found that they were not positioned where you naturally grasp the toy, I  didn’t find that to be a problem at all.

The toy is made from ABS plastic and there vis a silicone coating on the handle and as with almost ball the toys we sell in Ohzone is completely safe and free of nasty Phalates. If you care to look on the Zumio website in the question and answer section, it even turns out the toy is made using recyclable, carbon neutral materials! How about that!. It lasts about 4 hours once it is fully charged. I have to say though, ! defy anyone to use this toy for 4 hours before they cum, This isn’t as versatile as some other toys are, I tried it on mine and my partners nipples but it was a  bit too concentrated and intense. He, said though,  like me liked the sensations on his perineum. I tried to stick it up his bum but there when you apply too much pressure Zumio stops working.
I tried it to finger fuck myself with and having had 3 kids  found that It could be used for that purpose too . My vagina was a bit more forgiving than my partners bum!  I am one of the 70% of women who only really cum clitorally though. If you are one of the lucky other 30 % you would probably love it for that purpose too.I even managed to insert it whilst my partner was having sex with me and that was very nice.
Quite honestly this is a great toy for external use and perhaps most impressively for me, truly innovative. That is not something we often get to see in this industry these days. I think the only reason some people might not  enjoy it would be if they only like gentle direct clitoral stimulation or only enjoy squishy soft toys. Pop some good quality lube on the end, like Superslyde, and you are all set to go.
I highly recommend it!
Alexis is a consultant at the Oh Zone Adult Stores!
Zumio wins best female product of 2018 at Adultex –
“We are thrilled to receive this award, it confirms our female design team has truly hit the mark in developing a revolutionary new clitorial stimulation experience that women love”, said Veronica Farmer, Chief Experience Officer, Zumio.

VIP Interview Darren Michaels – Flipside Erotica!

Flipside Adult Stories

I’d like to thank you for agreeing to this interview. I’m quite intrigued by your work. You’re an acclaimed erotic novelist having won an Independent Publisher Award in 2010, and you currently have two books to your series Flip Side Erotica. Now, in a world full of smut and erotic stories, your books are unique in the sense that you tell the same erotic story twice, once from the female perspective, and once from the male perspective. You get your inspiration for these stories from your own sexual adventures, as well as your own imagination, often concerning people you know, have met and detailing the wicked adventures that you’d like to have with them.

 

You’ve mentioned that you’d been writing erotic stories for some time before you decided to publish your book. Why did you start writing Erotica in the first place?

I always has a desire for a creative outlet, but I learned that I am a terrible artist even though my father excels at this sort of thing.  I did do some creative writing as far back as grade school but in a typical structured school environment I was not really given the right guidance at the right time.  It was something that I had to explore on my own at a later date in life instead of developing along the way early in life.

As the story goes, my first attempt at this stemmed from a bet with a former lover of mine.  We were very casual in our relationship, but the sexual chemistry was off the charts.  One night early in our pseudo-relationship she called me and asked what I was doing.  I was knee deep in the middle of nothing at the moment, and knew if she was calling me there was probably a specific reason and that I was going to like it.  She informed me she had recently gotten a romance novel that she wanted to read to me; I wasn’t terribly interested in a “Prince on white horse rescues Princess and makes love to her in a field of daisies kind of story”, but I figured there was sex in the near future so I went over to her place.

I was way off base; the story was not anything like I had imagined, it was a rough and hot sex scene.  It really was a turn on in general, but more so that she was reading it to me in that context.  The build-up, anticipation, and final act were well crafted and painted such a great picture it was downright artistic.  We tore each other apart after that, an amazing night of passionate sex fuelled by this one passage in this book.  Afterwards we were lying in bed together and I made some comment about how I would like to write stories like the one she had just read.  She laughed out loud at me; stating “you can’t just make stuff like this up, these people go to school to be writers.  You are kidding yourself.”  I took it as a challenge.   We made a bet (the details of which I have yet to reveal publicly) and I was given one week to write an erotic story.

I had never done anything like this, but I was determined to not only win the bet, but to become the artist I had always longed to be.  I sat down in front of my laptop and the words just flowed out of me; like a dam had broke.  I could barely type fast enough to keep up with my thoughts.  It was a liberating and fulfilling experience in and of itself.  A week later I turned in my homework.

She read the story, which was about the two of us, without so much as a reaction throughout the pages.  I thought I had bombed.  Finally, she finished, and I was waiting uncomfortably for my C- grade.  However, when our eyes met it was clear I had hit my mark.  “Take off your clothes” was all she said to me…

From that moment on, I would write erotic stories.  I would share them with other women just to make sure I wasn’t being graded by a biased audience.  It was clear that women loved the idea that I could express myself in this manner, were very aroused at the prospect of having an experience similar to what they were reading.  I wasn’t some fictional character; I was the guy at the next cubicle over or who goes to the same gym as they do.  This in turn lead itself to more “adventures” and more material to write more stories, this cycle continued for nearly a decade.

Erotica From Both Perspectives
Erotic Flipside Fiction

You participated in an interview many years ago where you spoke about the difference between Erotica and Porn, where sensuality was mentioned, and you spoke about erotica being classier, and written with a broader audience, particularly women, in mind. With the mainstream uptake of books such as Fifty Shades of Grey – What are your personal thoughts on the differences between Erotica and Porn, and has your personal definitions changed over this time?

There are good and bad things about the story I am about to share.  It is my personal history, I don’t cast blame or believe this has had too many ill effects, but it not ideal for most people in most cases.  When I was 16, my parents went away for a long weekend, taking my sister with them.  It was my first weekend alone ever, and the warning I kept getting was “NO parties!”.  Little did they know what really was in store for that weekend.  For several years, my neighbour had always told me someday she was going to do me a huge favour.  As an awkward teenager I probably did nothing but giggle, not really knowing what she meant.  This was the weekend I would find out what that really meant.

I’ll spare the nitty gritty details, but suffice to say I spent a weekend going to school in the sexual realm.  She was a very patient and understanding of my lack of knowledge.  We talked, we experimented, she showed me exactly how to be an attentive lover by example.  I was very intimidated at the time, but I also knew that this was something that would have tremendous impact on my understanding of sex.  I remember her saying that every woman I am with in the future should write her a thank you note; I cannot disagree with that statement.  Far too many men learn about sex through porn and/or listening to other men bullshit and brag.  Neither is accurate or helpful.

 

What was the inspiration that led you to the idea – hey, I should share these stories I’ve written with the world?

It was a great creative outlet, and I wish it was as wholesome as that sounds, but I also found out it was a great way to have more sexual adventures.  It was as if I had cracked the code on how to turn on almost any woman I wanted to, if I presented the information appropriately.

 

Your books are based on the idea that they’re written from both a male and a female perspective at the same time, how do you go about writing a female perspective since you have a male body?

PiV intercourse might be seen as hard to describe and experience when you’re lacking that.I actually wrote the female perspective and then gave it to the woman who was involved in the story to edit for accuracy and proper representation of the experience.  On occasion I was off base, but for the most part the women who are comfortable enough with themselves to have a non-committed sex partner typically view the encounter in the same manner I did.

Podcast interview

What’s the creative process for writing a story from both perspectives, and what’s the requirements for the story being included in your book?

Originally the female perspective was a suggestion of someone who was reading my other stories; she said how cool it would be if you could hear the same story from both perspectives.  I gave it a shot, and apparently did a decent job with it.  I don’t consider the process much different than for the men’s side.

The main requirements for not too similar to any other story in the books; I want to not repeat the same process in simply a different setting.  I never went with anything too far from “mainstream” erotica; 50 Shades helped to expand that definition over the past few years.

 

When it comes to sex, many men are focused on their own pleasure. Reading, and surely through the process of writing, these stories it’s clear that that’s not the case for you. What are some of the challenges that you go through as you’re writing a female perspective, and how do you go about escaping the biasedness that might occur, if at all, as a result of the male ego towards creating pleasure for the women in your stories?

I think the same answer to the (two above) question posed earlier answers this as well.

 

Which is your favourite perspective to write from, and why?

I honestly do not have a preference; I would say the women’s perspective is more challenging, but I enjoy both equally.

 

What’s your go to comfort food?

No question, writing at Starbucks with a chai tea latte is a prerequisite.  Cheesy 70’s music in my headphones is a big help too

 

You state in one of your interviews that some of your stories are based on intimate encounters that you experienced a long time ago. How do you go about writing both perspectives in this situation?

I wrote both perspectives and then had the woman from the story edit her point of view for accuracy.  The book is a collection of 12 or 10 stories respectively from the first and second books, of which half of the stories are true and the other half are fabrications.  I never reveal which is which, partly adding to the overall mystery.

 

Between some of your first stories in erotica, to the ones that you write now, how would you say that you’ve changed?

I have grown as a writer, so I believe that the character development and the settings are better described.  Using the artist analogy again, my palate of descriptive adjectives and thoughts have expanded over the years of doing this.  Even though book 1 won the IPPY award, I think the stories in book2 are better

 

I have to ask, in many of the stories that you write, the male comes across as sensual, romantic, and intuitive. Is this you in real life as well, or have you creatively embellished just a little?

I like to think I portrayed myself as accurately as possible in the stories.  I am sure that is a biased answer however.  J

What would you like people to get out of reading your stories?

One of the things I hope is an obvious takeaway is that the women in the stories are very empowered and in control of their sexuality.  Some much opportunity is missed simply out of the fear of rejection or looking foolish, but there is so much to gain by taking a chance.  Also, I hope that it is clear that I do not use women for sex and toss them aside, that a friends with benefits relationship can work if both parties are adult and realistic about it.  Having the tough conversations in advance is so much better than dealing with the aftermath of two misaligned people.

 

Are there any plans to keep on writing, and what’s next for you?

I am working on a third book, but it is a little different slant.  I am not currently writing it in the Flipside fashion; it is from my perspective but I am going to explore the swinger/open relationship lifestyle.  In the book, I am the one with the insecurity issues with this arrangement, not the woman.  It has been an interesting exploration so far.

 

Final thoughts – what would your advice be for people wanting to write erotica?

Do it…just start writing and learn as you go.  Don’t write the book from start to finish; get started writing and organize it later.  Be creative first, and then later on worry about having it make linear sense.

 

I think this just about covers everything that we were looking at. I’d like to thank you for your time on this. I’m looking forward to hearing your answers on this, as I’m really interested in some of your perspectives on your writing. Thanks again!

Reconnecting With Your Lover – 7 Experts Share Advice!

Experts Advice

Claudia Six, PhD, Clinical Sexologist & Relationship Coach, www.drsix.net and author of Erotic Integrity.

Claudia Six Phd
Photo: Claudia Six

When sex fades in a relationship, happens less and less frequently to not at all, there’s a very good reason why. When things get gummed up in bed, there’s always a way that it makes perfect sense. You can try tricks and toys, but you also need to open your mouth, and talk – to each other, not your best friend.

Talk about what sex represents for you (connection, release, a way to get to sleep, a spiritual event…). It’s ok if you have different answers – you’re different people.

Ask each other what you haven’t been saying, the stuff you’ve been afraid to tell your partner because you didn’t want to hurt their feelings. This is the time to be candid. Having difficult conversations actually has the most potential to boost intimacy and eroticism in a relationship.

Cassie Wolfe, PhD, Licensed Clinical Social Worker & Sex Therapist

Cassie Wolfe Phd And Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Photo: Cassie Wolfe

Communicate. Communicate. Communicate.  Your needs are important and valued.  It is common for life, work, stress, anxiety, having children, differing work schedules, etc. to get in the way.  Make having a connection with your partner/s/ a priority, even if that means actually scheduling a specific time on your calendar.  It’s also normal to have variation in one’s sex drive.  Just remember that some partners experience responsive arousal – meaning they get more excited in the midst of foreplay (which reminds me – FOREPLAY!! Stop rushing and don’t forget FOREPLAY), while some can be more spontaneous.  Focus on the quality over quantity.

Cassie’s Facebook Page

Michelle Roberton

Tantric Counselor
Michelle Roberton
Body Love
Love Activist

Sexual Trauma and Intimacy Expert

Often in our fast pace world we can loose connection with ourselves and our own bodies, let alone our Lovers. Stuck in our heads and goals, our body looses it’s mojo and so too do our relationships.  I feel there are three major keys that firstly support us to be more connected to our self and then those same three keys support us to reconnect with our lover.  We cannot give what we have not got, so it is essential I feel, to connect firstly to self so our connection with our lover has substance and authenticity behind it.

These three keys are:

The breath … immersing into the rhythm of your own breath, not changing it.  Just feeling the rise and fall of your own breath.  If we can intimately know our own breath, we can then intimately breathe with another.  This brings us into the our body, slows us down and brings the second key ; Presence ~ being here and now with our lover and full in our body.   And finally the third key, as we breath we open, we surrender and we become more aware of our senses… the smell of our lover, the touch of their skin, the sound of their breath … the taste of them on our lips.
Simple keys I know … breathe, presence and the senses.  But who ever said sex has to be a performing art or complicated?

Darren Michaels  Flipside

       
Erotic Literature
Erotic Author
2010 IPPY Award Winning Author
Featured guest/contributor on:
Cosmo.com                    AskMen.com
Playboy Radio                Foxnews.com
Match.com                     Galtime.com
Women’s Health   
As the old saying goes “Familiarity breeds contempt”; human beings needs variety and novelty, it is our nature.  When you fall into a routine with someone, these things go away.  One of the best thing about having an intimate partner it just that…intimate knowledge of one another.  You both are already past the awkward beginning stage of a relationship where you are trying to figure out each other’s boundaries.  This is likely well established by now.  Use it to your advantage.  
 
Plan a nice dinner and an adult conversation about this topic.  Men are too ego-fragile to try something for fear of getting shot down, and many women are far more sexually adventurous than their partner will ever know, but don’t outwardly express this.  If you are going to do adult things, you need to have adult conversations as well.
Find out what has been done before and enjoyed, find out what has never done but always wanted to.  Be adults and have the conversation in advance, this will set the stage for a rekindling,and hopefully infusing some new adventure into the mix as well!

Amory Jane

Comedian
Sex Educator
Comedian, variety host, podcaster, producer…

I think touch is extremely important and many people are touch-deprived and out in the world feeling lonely. I don’t think technology is the enemy though – I think it can be used for good to help connect people. However, I do believe that intimacy is something tons of people struggle with, and always being on our phones and computers can make it even harder to be present when we’re face to face. I would advise people to make time every week where they tuck away technology and turn in toward each other. Focus on open and vulnerable communication or interesting intellectual conversations. If you don’t know what to discuss, search online beforehand and print off or write down prompts, and then really listen to each other. I also highly encourage non-sexual touch while talking, like holding hands or cuddling. If you’re with someone where sex is an option and you’re feeling connected in that way, sensually exploring each other’s bodies (without a goal of orgasm) can be wonderful for building and maintaining intimacy.

Walker Thornton

Self Care Consultant
Author And Sex Educator

Public speaker, relationship consultant and author

It’s an experience I’ve had just enough to know it is our most desired way of experiencing sexual intimacy. My best sexual experiences are those where I connect with my partner and we’re both aware of our mutual desire for pleasure. A dance has to have 2 active partners—it’s a give and take. Sex is no different. We learn by listening or sensing another’s body, we adjust accordingly and we flow together. There are plenty of men out there, of all ages, who consider sex as “sticking it in” and getting off. They don’t understand the importance of mutuality, nor do they understand the power of two people equally engaged and actively participating.

Dr. Stacy Friedman

Certified Sex Coach
Clinical Sexologist

Sexpert, Sex Coach, Intimacy Consultant

Want to reconnect sexually with your lover? Get out of your routine and try something different! Many times finding ways to reconnect can be something as easy as bringing in some variety. Have a night filled with learning your partners body, something that I like to call “Exploration Nights”! Our bodies are filled with erogenous zones that are never touched, kissed, licked or loved.  Your body is not just lips, breasts, and genitals as it starts from the head and ends at the toes. Take advantage of slowly touching, massaging, and appreciating the little nooks and crannies that your partner has.  The crease of the elbow, the bend of the knee, the inner arm or the curves of the ankle…these can stimulate nerves and sensations that you never knew you had.  Focus on the idea of feeling pleasure verse the idea of performance where you can enjoy the actual act of connection and intimacy rather than having the experience be all about the ins and outs of intercourse. What exactly does that mean? Being intimate is about being vulnerable and being in the moment.  Take the time to see how your lover reacts to your touch, how they move, the softness of their skin and talk about what you enjoyed the best. When you take the opportunity to just spend time enjoying each other and building the connection, it makes all the difference in your relationship and your sexual connection.  You feel more in tune to your partner, how they feel and react to your touch as well as different things that they may enjoy, now that you took the time to explore. To read more about how to truly build your intimacy on your “Exploration Night”, download your free digital copy of my new Amazon best selling book, “Confessions & Lessons of a Sexpert”, found on www.DrStacyBook.com or for a paperback and Kindle version, you can find it on Amazon.

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I’m A Straight Guy Who Is Gay Curious!

Am I a top or a bottom?

Question submitted online

Look, I’ll start this off by saying I’m a straight male and I have a girlfriend. But I really wanna know stuff about gay sex. I’ve asked my friends who’s the top and the bottom cos I’m trying to wrap my head around the whole idea you know, but they kind of just laugh the question off and move on. What’s the deal?”

Answer

I would like to thank you for your question. In answering your question I’d like to point out some of the hesitation as to why people may or may not answer such questions. Outside of the gay community, and even within the gay community – there are numerous stereotypes of bottoms and tops that are harmful to queer identifying people. The idea that there must be a woman and a man within queer relationships doesn’t quite paint a full picture of the relationship and it can be reductive to the idea of two consensual loving and mutually supportive partners. Let’s begin by breaking down the idea of anal sex. Gay men that engage in anal play (remembering that there are significant portions of gay men that do not like anal play and prefer oral stimulation and mutual masturbation) are typically delegated to a dominant and submissive role that allegedly aligns with their sexual role. For example, a man that loves cock up his ass is generally considered to be submissive. This is incorrect. A dominant or submissive personality is in no way related to their sexual preferences within the bedroom.

What's the difference between top and bottom sex
Image: Top and bottom sex

Part of this stigma lies within the perception of the act of intercourse itself and then by comparing that to PiV sex (Penis in Vagina). The penis is an active participant in sex, with the vagina being the receptive participant. The dick penetrates the vagina for pleasure with the dick (masculinity) being active and the vagina (femineity) being passive. Through this understanding of sex, many people automatically assume that one that is penetrated is feminine and that they’re submissive, because it directly relates to their understanding of what they’ve been brought up with when it comes to traditional heterosexual relationships, and sexual intercourse. Thus the idea of labelling one as a top or bottom automatically translates to the idea that there is a male and female within a gay relationship. This is inaccurate, as the fact is, simply put, that there are two (fe)males within a relationship who provide each other with mutual love, support and understanding. As with any relationship this support ebbs and flows based on whatever is going on within their lives, and social power naturally shifts between them over time.

Whilst there are certainly individuals out there who refuse to bottom, or who refuse to top – much of that ideal is surrounded by the idea of shame, embarrassment, or even guilt. Bottoms have traditionally been seen as sub-par within their own community, and to people that identify as heterosexual/heteroflexible. Bottoms take it up the ass, they are often depicted as feminine individuals, men who want to be women, or even considered to be subservient. Combine this with the idea of homophobia and the common insults hurled at gay men and you’ll begin to see why the idea of taking it up the ass might be considered to be negative. There’s shame, there’s hurt, there’s guilt and there’s often embarrassment with taking on a label – which is why many men will only reveal their preferences to someone that they’re in a relationship with, or who they intend to fuck.

Such ideals of restricting a queer couple to a top or bottom role are incorrect and is generally based within a culturally, social sexist understanding of heterosexual relationships – a male and a female in a relationship is usually generalised as the male being dominant and the female being submissive. Any deviation from that is often cast within a negative light. ‘Oh you’re pussy whipped’, ‘She’s the man of the relationship’. Such phrases and utterances directly relate to, and rely on, the perceived differences between a male and a female where the insult is relies on the direct comparison to that of the opposite sex.

Bottoms, or people with a preference to bottoming are simply people who enjoy anal pleasure. They can have submissive personalities, they can be dominant, they can be masculine, they can be feminine and they can be everything and everyone in between. The fact is that the stimulation of the prostate is one of the most sensational kinds of orgasms that a male can experience, and some men are even completely capable of experiencing an orgasm and ejaculation through prostate stimulation without even touching their own dick. As we begin to approach sex with the idea of pleasure in mind, many straight identifying men are slowly realising that anal sex isn’t gay sex (Remember to always practice safe sex and use a condom). The stimulation of the prostate by their girlfriends, their wives, or their fuck buddy doesn’t make them gay. In order to break down this dichotomy it is important to rethink traditional values associated with heterosexual relationships and to refocus on a sex positive idea that any normal relationship will naturally ebb and flow with power between individuals as they traverse through life.

In conclusion

To answer your question would be complex, as well as reductive and could be perceived, by some couples, as an insulting question despite it clearly being driven by curiosity. However let’s flip that around and ask the following question. If they turned around and asked you whether your girlfriend takes charge in the bedroom, whether she ties you up and absolutely dominates you – would you be willing to answer this as their curious eyes bore into your soul? If the answer is no, then it might be attributed to the perception of losing some of your masculinity, and therefore you might consciously or unconsciously feel that the perception of your identity might change. Whilst it’s absolutely essential to talk about sex, talk about how we do it, and talk about gender in the bedroom – sometimes with questions like this as to the specific roles of men within the bedroom, it might be best to simply remain curious.

If there’s anything else that I can assist you with, or you have any questions pertaining to gay sex, anything contained within this article, please do not hesitate to ask as I’d be more than happy to clarify.

Hope this helps!