When Things Go Bad!

Relationships can be a funny thing.  It does not matter how hard or little you work at them they are always evolving.  A struggle for dominance here has an effect there.  The ramifications may not be felt for years as we hang onto our bag of resentments, till it gets to a stage where we can no longer close it and out floods pent up angst and emotional overload.

Things sometimes seem to be going alright for one partner and then one day out of the blue, kapow,  a direct hit between the eyes.   How one chooses to deal with this can impact negatively or positively for the rest of your lives.  If it is a long term relationship getting used to the idea of being single could be daunting or it could be liberating depending on which side of the fence you are sitting.  But there is no denying the emotional overflow will have a profound effect on both parties.

We have all heard the words

‘We will keep this civil’

but how often do you hear of a ‘civil’ separation becoming uncivil and full of vitriolic.  Especially when there are kids, property or worse still solicitors involved.  Being fair is relative!

What should you do if you are in this situation?  The offered ‘solutions’ many times seem promising but a couple has to be ‘on the same page’ and want to stay together.  It may be too late for one party or both to forgive or compromise.  Unresolved pent up resentments are clung onto like a security blanket to ensure that never again will someone be exposed to perceived hurts, despair, unfairness.  To allow trust and forgiveness is a big ask.

38% of couples seeking marriage/couples therapy or counseling will end up in separation or divorce within 4 years of the ‘treatment’.  Still it is a better than 50% chance.  However when you consider divorce or separation effects up to 60% of second and third marriages/relationships on would assume there are dark clouds are on the horizon.

However it may not be all doom and gloom as it is reported that only 8% of couples having marital or relationship disharmony at their second and third attempt will actually attend couples therapy.   And the success rate is well over the 50%.

A survey from the BBC found that over 75% of relationships experienced a ‘breaking point’ of relationship disharmony.

Relate – one of the largest marriage counseling agencies use a mixture of theoretical models to work through their clients’ problems. Systemic ideas involve getting individuals to see the effects of their behaviour on others – someone who has had an affair, for example, may not see it as the terrible betrayal their partner feels it is. The second theoretical model is a psychodynamic one that deals more with the unconscious processes people bring to their relationships. Arguments over who loads the dishwasher may really be baggage from work (you are really fighting with your boss) or a previous relationship. If it sounds Freudian, that’s because – loosely – it is.

The most popular and effective forms of couples therapies in order of their statistical success are –

 

  • 1) Gottman Method. …
  • 2) Narrative Therapy. …
  • 3) Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy. …
  • 4) Positive Psychology. …
  • 5) Imago Relationship Therapy. …
  • 6) Communication Therapy. …
  • 7) Exploring Unconscious Past Roots of Problems – Psychoanalysis Therapy…..

“Love is not a contract between two narcissists. It’s more than that. It’s a construction that compels the participants to go beyond narcissism. In order that love lasts one has to reinvent oneself.” – French Philosopher Alain Badiou

For successful couples therapy empathy and respect for the other must be shown or it is doomed for failure.  7 tips psychologists give for before and whilst entering into therapy –

1. Use “I statement” feeling terms, but don’t use “you.”
2. Count to ten before speaking.
3. Implement the I-Thou.
4. Practice active listening.
5. Connect physically.

6. Meet on a bridge/halfway.

7. Engage in daily empathy actions.

And of course the number one killer of relationships is resentments.    Methods to keep them in check are –

  1. Focus on the solution rather than the problem. This is a healthy and future-oriented way of dealing with resentment. …
  2. Look twice at your analysis of the situation. Sometimes, we hold resentments based on perceived faults. …
  3. Focus on your strengths not the others weaknesses…

Believe it or not, many experts agree that holding onto resentments is addictive.  That if you cannot let go of a resentment it festers and creates a vacuum that will suck in more resentments.  Resentments can actually make the person holding them feel superior with the unhealthy feeling ‘if I have been wronged then I am better than him/her.’  A holier than thou attitude which is never conducive to solve a problem.

A solution to expelling resentments sounds simple but is often hard to do.  One word is the solution though –

Forgiveness

not only of the person that you hold resentment for, but yourself.

Another is

Venting

allows the perceived wronged to put their issues on the table, feel heard and let go.  But it takes tolerance and understanding of the one on the receiving end.

Relationships can be hard work but the benefits of loving and being loved.  Of having someone beside you ‘that has your back’, to grow old with together are well worth the effort and risk.   There is a saying and I am not sure who it is from but it goes along the lines of –

‘True love means putting the other persons needs first.’  For all those narcissists out there – it would be a bitter pill to swallow but one that once taken can be eye-opening and inspiring!

 

Singing In The Rain (1952) – Dr. Satish Movie Review

Have you ever become transcendental when the sky becomes dark and it is about to rain? Does your heart gets elated imagining yourself getting drenched in the torrential down pour and throw your  raincoat to the winds? And then croon a beautiful song while getting wet from head to toe and dance in the muddy puddle splashing the water all over,  careless of the world around you? If so you have fallen in love, just like Gene Kelly when he sings “Singing In The Rain” .
His solo dance  right after he as Don Lockwood  and young Kathy Selden ( Debbie Reynolds) realize they’re falling in love. That explains the dance: He doesn’t mind getting wet, because he’s smitten with romance. He dances with the umbrella, swings from a lamppost, has one foot on the curb and the other in the gutter, and in the scene’s high point, simply jumps up and down in a rain puddle. And when the policeman is in the sight… he does a wonderful acrobatic which only a Gene Kelly class can do.  Yes It is a title song of the film. It is as fresh as a dew on the rose petal and classic musical in the league of Sound Of Music, My Fair Lady, Mary Poppins, An American In Paris and many others.   But “Singin’ in the Rain” is a transcendent experience, and no one who loves movies can afford to miss it.

The three stars–Gene Kelly, Donald O’Connorand 19-year-old Debbie Reynolds- make the movie most memorable by their sheer footwork. The movie is  about the film industry in a period of risky transition. From silent to talkies. It  shoecases the changeover in a simplified manner at the same time keeping the authenticity in tact. Like   how the microphones were hidden in the flowerpots, how the cameras were kept in soundproof rooms,  The movie simplifies the changeover from silents to talkies, but doesn’t falsify it. And, yes, preview audiences did laugh when they first heard the voices of some of the actors.
When the film was made in 1952. Gene Kelly and O’Connor were established stars, and were past masters in the footing section.  Watch O’Connor’s “Make ’em Laugh” number in this film. It remains one of the most amazing dance sequences ever filmed in Hollywood.  A majority part in longer takes and oh  no dummy and no  body double and no computer animation .  He grapples with a mannequin, runs up  the walls. His somersaults? Matchless. He flings  himself  in the air  like a rag doll, dashes  into a brick wall and a lumber plank, turns cartwheels on the floor and smashes  into  a drapery.
Debbie Reynolds was comparatively  a newcomer, with five small roles previously, and this was her big break. She had  to match the professionals like Kelly and O’ Connor. Well what she did? Watch her determination. This petite girl  takes giant strides when they all march toward a couch in the “Good Morning” and finishes as if she werea  guru to these two men.
Now let us talk about most interesting character in the film. Lina Lamont (Jean Hagen), the blond bolt from the blue with the voice like, have you ever   scratched  your fingernails on a wooden plank? How is the sound? Yes she has the same. She plays a comic dumbo.   A blond, who  reads  in the fan magazine that she is in love with her leading man, Don Lockwood (Kelly), and believes it.  When questioned about it and explained that it is all false, she blurts out,   “What do they think I am? Dumb or something? Why, I make more money than Calvin Coolidge put together!”  She steals the scene.  The real Hagen had a perfectly acceptable and sweet  voice. But this role helped her win an Oscar nomination for best supporting actress.
The climax is wonderful. Lina had borrowed her voice from Kathy but when audience cheers Lina to sing on stage, everyone is in dilemma.  Kathy is requested to sing behind the curtain  while Lina mouths the words. Lockwood and studio boss, after some minutes raise  the curtain and when  the audience sees the trick, all hell breaks loose.  Lina’s face is drained of color,  Kathy takes  flight down the aisle—to save herself from the embarrassment but then, Lockwood, onstage, cries out, “Ladies and gentlemen, stop that girl! That girl running up the aisle! That’s the girl whose voice you heard and loved tonight! She’s the real star of the picture–Kathy Selden!”  It makes one of the great romantic moments in the movies.
The magic of “Singin’ in the Rain” will live on forever.
Dr. Satish

The Truth About Valentines Day!

Valentine’s Day is just around the corner and while many people prepare lavish gifts and nights out with their loved one, there are those of us that dread this day. It can already be hard enough to see couples out when you pick up your morning coffee, but for some reason, it seems that much harder on Valentine’s Day.

Films and fairy tales have a lot to answer for. They wrote the rules for love stories, and propagated these myths with mass consumption. Yet rarely are real lives as clean cut as the background-poor caricatures forever thrust upon us. A story resonates with us on deeper levels because it is designed to pass on a message of survival. An experience shared to help us better know how to navigate our own lives without, hopefully, the pain of going through such times ourselves.

‘Don’t eat at that place, my friend Leslie had a whole glass of red wine tipped over her by the incompetent waitress, all over that new dress she bought just for that first date!’

Sure, not exactly a life and death story, but our need for actual survival stories has greatly diminished through the ages. I believe that where we need the most help, the most guidance, is in matters of the heart.

And mainstream stories just aren’t cutting it.

Life and love are messy. We’ve all met lovers, and we’ve lost most of them through a vast array of reasons. Sometimes we reflect on where it all went wrong, what we could have done different, if it was something we could have changed in ourselves, or adapted to, or if it was purely in the hands of the other. At which time, we might ask ourselves why weren’t we more aware of their shortcomings to begin with.

Dating, as I’m often told, is a long process. There might be a few dates before the first kiss, numerous more until the first night shared together. It can progress through lovely outings, bushwalks, restaurants and cafes, and a plethora of other activities designed to wear your purse and free time thin. This blossoming relationship might then move to more intimate settings, a perfectly home cooked meal presented with matched wines, sat across from one another on a candle lit table as the alcohol eases your defences and helps the bond to grow between you.

Eventually, maybe a year later, and months of discussion first, you move in together. You into their place, they into yours, or a whole fresh start somewhere new. And perhaps this is where those first signs of being mismatched reveal themselves. This is when you realise all those beautiful nights spent around the dining table, quietly admiring the cleanliness of the house was indeed just a three hour cleaning spree before your arrival, as most of the time their living conditions could be likened to squalor. Or that even at their age, and their years having previously lived with a woman, they still leave the toilet seat up. That the household bills are ignored until the letters arrive with red ink splattered across the page.

Because while that beautiful time of keeping the day to day away from your romance, in the end, those things make a difference. And the older you get, the less room for change and adaptability there is on both ends. Perhaps you can pinpoint their selfish nature back to so many events of their lives, but the reality is, unless they openly seek to better themselves, this is never going to change. Those historical events don’t disappear.

Which is why I said ‘as I’m told’ when it comes to the traditional idea of dating. I jump headlong into things. I want to have an idea of what I’m in for as soon as I can. And at my age, anything I become involved in is with an eye on the long term.

I say long term because I think I’ve become sceptical enough to not say forever, even though that could always eventuate. There is an average of two marriages in my immediate family, some more, some less. Only two are still going, one nearing four decades, the other nearing four months.

We like to love. We like to give ourselves wholeheartedly. It’s a blessing and a curse. I don’t believe in regret, no matter how much pain I may end up in, or worse yet, the pain I can cause to others. Because although I just spoke of the selfish nature some show in their relationships, there is a need for some selfishness, and that simply, is to be happy.

Life is too short to not be happy.

And that’s why this Valentine’s Day, and in fact every day, it is most important to love yourself first and foremost. Learning to be comfortable in your own skin, in your own heart, in your own thoughts.

When, or if, we ever then meet someone, we can be strong within ourselves, know who we truly are, and let them see that side of us. Maybe we’ll even think about how much do we care if bills are paid late or the toilet seat is left up, because in the end, does that really matter?

A rhetorical question? No. In the end, it shouldn’t matter. Because if we can love ourselves first, then we will have love to shroud another in, should we want.

This Valentine’s Day, I’m going to spend it alone, with the one I love.

And probably a pizza. And that horror movie the ex always refused to watch.

What Exactly are Hook Up Apps?

The internet has influenced all facets of our lives like; shopping, travel booking, online video streaming and so forth. It has established communication channels between people across the world. Now, hook up apps are available to people of all genders, and nationalities.
However, the impact of Adult Dating Sites development on romance and dating was an unexpected one. The outcome of sites meant for flaring love affairs and relationships was hugely successful. This is because they are an excellent medium for the lone and interested singles to get companions as per their desired interests. Thus, there’s no more need to bother someone in the family or friends circle to find a compatible dating partner. Here’s a take on how dating apps are revolutionizing the way people engage in relationships.
Let us understand how an Adult Dating Sites site functions.
Step 1: An individual can create a profile on a site by submitting basic details about himself/herself. Although creating a profile might be free of charge on most websites, some may charge a nominal fee for this service. Some sites need the person to provide detailed information so that they can match the personalities of the individuals.
Step 2: The site sends details of individuals who suit his/ her preference.
Step 3: The individual can select a suitable date from the list of profiles sent.
Step 4: Sites even aid setting up a meeting with the date.
After creating a dating profile, these apps have the following conditions or features-set to help you find your dream date.

Algorithms to find a match

This is after a user finds someone they are sharing with the same interests, location, profession, hobbies, life goals, and other things, the app must be able to make suggestions.
 Providing partner suggestions based only on the preferences of users results in lesser profiles display, but the quality is always better than quantity.
It’s a match!” is the new popular word for singles. Truly, with dating apps, many are getting potential mates whom they share with common interests.
Apparently, this is an era where knowing someone through a digital medium is not a problem.

 Filters

Preferences filters is another critical feature that is enabling dating apps to suggest suitable matches. Filters dependent on location, age, height, life interests, hobbies, family type, and others when used, will give the users a chance to pick their preferred partners.

Trust scores

Numerous users shun away from interacting with anonymous users who conceal their identities behind the application. In this way, a dating application comes with a background verification feature for assuring users real connections. Linking is a very coherent feature; it relates social media accounts of the clients with their dating profiles. Some applications even give a trust score to every user profile, according to their social media activities so users having more trust scores can initiate conversations online or can get matches.

Multimedia Files sharing

Dating implies interactive conversations between two individuals. In order to do this through a virtual medium, options for sharing different files like songs, emoji’s, voice records, video records or stickers will do good. This feature when included in a dating app, makes interactions between two more enjoyable and help them know each other better.
People prefer these Adult Dating Sites because of the following advantages;

They offer a reliable way to find partners

In this work-intensive and busy lifestyle, Adult Dating Sites give convenience to the individuals who are lacking the time and scope to meet up new people and know them. They can eventually scroll through a wide array of options in the site, choose one among them to connect, chat online and plan for meetups sometime later. Thus, helping individuals in this fast-paced generation to deliberately prepare for dating just with few clicks instead of depending on any coincidences or traditional meetings.

They give the scope to choose a partner with specific criteria

Online dating through apps is notably convenient for finding partners as they provide unprecedented access to the potential matches regardless of any geographic limit. Individuals are capable of searching partners with interest areas that match theirs and weed out those who are not potential partners. By enabling the search for partners according to age, location and personal details including orientation, hobbies, and interests, dating apps gained a stand in the market as automated matchmakers.

The idea of dating became more flexible with Adult Dating Sites

One remarkable advantage of a dating site is that they allowed the interested individuals to delve into an initial conversation with a potential match and gather some sense of compatibility before getting into actual face-to-face dating. Thus, both partners get ample scope through the app to evaluate each other’s interests and see how their bond matures with every passing day. This brought far more flexibility than traditional dating as both partners can eventually stop connecting if they foresee non-compatibility issues between them in initial interactions and start looking for other potential matches.

 Apps are offering fun-filled online dating experiences

With mobile apps for dating, people got countless distinct ways to single individuals to impress their potential partners. With lots of in-app features, they make online dating an exciting and fun-filled experience for the youngsters such as sending of audio/video attachments, funny stickers, games for compatibility check, gift cards, voice recordings, and so forth.
 Though these apps are great for dating, as a tip to be successful with these apps you should use the ones that best suit you. For instance, in the event that you are a senior, go for senior dating applications. Along these lines, you will effectively find a partner for dating who matches your likes and other things, other than when you just use any universal app.
adult dating
With these apps, singles are finding a perfect mate, becoming more acquainted with them and making arrangements for real dates to know each other better. in addition, they are really safe, particularly for women since they check and confirm the profiles of users before giving them a chance to connect with any matches. Basically, dating applications are the current way to help singles find their perfect companions.

Technology And Sex: SexTech!

Many people think that the consumption of pornography and the use of sex toys are the dregs of humanity and the most vulgar of pleasures. It’s dirty, its filthy, it should be behind closed doors, and it should never be spoken about. I hate to break it to you, but, the world owes pornography, and indeed the adult Industry, a lot. When it comes to advancements of technology, you’ll often find that the porn and adult industry are at the forefront of technology. E-Commerce websites, Online Streaming (1994), webcams (1995), a demand for Increased Bandwidth and internet speed and even the VCR are just a few examples of what the world owes the pornography industry. With an increase in accessibility combined with the breaking down of social taboos and the normalisation of sex and pleasure it’s little wonder that Pornhub chews through 147 gigabytes a second every single day. But why is the sex industry of the forefront of technology when we still struggle to embrace sex without having to hide it, and what are the benefits of sex tech?

SexTech is an increasingly common word being used to describe the rise of technology within sex toys. At it’s core SexTech refers to the idea and philosophy that tech is being used to enhance and innovate areas of human sexuality, and the sexual experience. Think contraception apps, we-vibe connectivity apps, Elvie Vaginal ‘fit bits’, sex robots, vibrators and even Artificial Intelligence designed to simulate/replace/replicate intimacy. But it does go further, those are some of the more obvious and more visible things when it comes to technology and sex. Some of the things that we don’t consider are media reports on sexual assault, the #metoo movement, the Gender Equality Movement,  – all of which are being bolstered by technologies from reporting tools and anonymous style apps, to the prolific use of social media, to their visibility on media platforms every single day of the week. In this regard, SexTech is a term that is starting to see more use with each passing day and becoming increasingly important as we acknowledge and interact with it. At the end of the day we simply cannot escape the idea that sex and sexuality (and/or the lack thereof) is at the heart of everything that we do as people. It’s defaulted into us from a young age and for the majority of individuals it becomes an inseparable and unique part of our personality and our identity. It has the power to structure our relationships, lives, personal identity, and even our own happiness.
So why the big deal about tech?  Interconnectedness and cosmopolitanism are becoming increasingly prevalent – the power of the smartphone in your pocket today exceeds the computing power that put humanity on the moon. Technology is becoming increasingly inseparable to our day to day lives, we use it to make our lives easier, so why wouldn’t we be using it for sex and pleasure? Technology is becoming a significant part of sex and the sex industry, and as we continue to break down the barriers and hidden nature of sex, it’s only going to become more viable, more prevalent and increasingly interconnected. Sex tech and the breaking down of the taboo nature of sex and pleasure work in conjunction with each other. The more we talk about sex, the more technology will jump on the bandwagon. The more technology jumps on the bandwagon, the more we will talk about sex. This cycle will eventually see the continued and increased normalisation of ideologies surrounding sex and pleasure, the likes of which have never been seen before.
Indeed, the newest realms of sextechs is seeing the prominence of groups previously seen as invisible – with events, technology, gear and toys now being created for people with disabilities, the ageing population, trans people and everyone(1) in between. Previously, such toys and gear were made for the general population because of the business viability. It made sense in terms of business profitability to market toys to a broad spectrum of people in order to increase your market share. Sex was not open, pleasure was not discussed. Now, within an increasingly e-commerce market, the ability to ship products across the globe, the increasing percentage of people with internet access (55% in 2018), and our willingness to embrace pleasure and gear, it now makes sense to create products for the purpose of equitable access to pleasure vs profit margins and market shares.
Such groups, previously ignore or dismissed, are now seeing an increased access to technology allowing them to offer their own insights and to help with the development of products and services that best suit their needs and desires. It’s not all happiness and roses though. Recently there was great concern at the actions of the Consumer Electronics Show which initially awarded a group of women an honouree title in the Robotics and Drone category for their Ose ‘Personal Massager’. Its use of micro-robotics to aid in providing blended orgasms was seen as innovative and inclusive. That is, until the Consumer Technology Association (CTA which owns, and produces the CES event) stepped in to strip them of their award on the basis that the entry was deemed to be disqualified because it did not meet their rules Standards. CTA referred to a rule which stipulated that entries seen to be ‘immoral, obscene, indecent, profane, or not keeping with” the organisations image will be disqualified. I’m not going to go too into depth on the issues here, largely that this statement implies that women’s sexual wellness products are deemed to be indecent, but it does show that the tech industry still has some work to do when it comes to mixing technology with sex. There’s hope though.
Body Hacks
Japanese Robotics companies are spearheading the use of sex robots and Pleasure AI to advance technologies in robotics research, computer sciences and Artificial Intelligence mechanics and systems. Phones are increasingly becoming connected to our sex toys and the idea of pleasure. The more we embrace SexTech, the more powerful and cost effective it will become.