First Timers!

They both knew things had been going stale. Not inactive as such, but that their sex had become quite routine. Finally, while stuck for what to watch on Netflix, they began to talk about it, snuggled on each side of the lounge.

 

 

Mostly, and Jon was first to admit as much, it was on his part. Before he’d met Bec, his experiences had only been one off, almost always while drunk, and never overly concerned about his performance or satisfying his partner.

 

 

Bec craved more. She missed the passion from their early times, when he would actually try to go down on her, or at least make an attempt at it. But she loved him, and pushed aside her deep sexual desires, instead merely fantasizing about them when she snuck in a solo session.

 

 

That night, on the lounge, sometimes unable to look each other in the eyes, they poured out their desires, their ideas, and pondered together about what they were to do next. They decided to peruse some online sex stores, but didn’t really know exactly what they were after. Overwhelmed, Bec suggested they just visit their local adult shop. Jon was hesitant. Almost more hesitant than when he’d said, with his eyes glued to the floor, that he’d like to try ‘some butt stuff’.

 

 

Bec explained to him that adult shops aren’t a scary place. Having been on the receiving end of young men like Jon used to be, she relied on toys to get her through her younger years (and sometimes still she digs out her favourite little blue bullet).

 

 

The following night, the couple went up the stairs to the adult shop, albeit Jon weighed down with trepidation. He was happy, and relieved, to find it nothing like his mind had imagined. There was no seedy old man in leather pants behind the counter, no pale skinned men perusing through magazine racks (there weren’t any magazines!) and everything was nice and clean.

 

 

Most surprising though, was the young man that greeted them, his smile and personality shining through his clipped hair, his close cropped beard. Jon let Bec do all the talking, and after she explained why they were in, the shop clerk smiled broadly at them.

‘I’m so glad you’ve come in here, guys,’ he said. ‘And while I’ve got plenty of things I can show you tonight, let me just say you’ve already done my job for me. You’ve talked about it. You’ve opened up a line of communication that will bring you closer together than anything I can sell you here tonight.’

 

 

Jon smiled to Bec, who shared the same look back to him. It had been a hard conversation the night before, but it had brought them here, and brought them closer together already. They both knew they were going to be in for sex after visiting the store, but when they went to bed the night before, they kissed with a passion they both felt was long lost. They held each other close, their hands longing stroking the other’s body.

 

 

The clerk gave them a tour of the store, to get them used to the place, to help make them feel comfortable. He took them through everything, from bullets to bunnies, from dongs to douches, and everything in between.

 

 

‘Now, I’d love to sell you a WeVibe Sync,’ he said as they stopped in front of a glass cabinet. ‘But this is a journey you’re taking, and I’d rather make sure you two leave happy than make one good sale tonight and never see you two again.’

 

 

At the suggestions of the clerk, the couple left with a few nice little things: A sexy board game, a Kama Sutra DVD, massage oil, scented hemp candles and loose rose petals. While they loved what they got, they were also excited about the satin ties he suggested for their next visit, and moving into sensory deprivation play.

 

 

That night, perched on either side of their little dining table, they jumped straight into their board game. They laughed a lot, they answered questions in the game that caused moments of awkwardness but, just as the man in the shop had said, it got them communicating even more. It got them excited to hear what the other was thinking about various fantasies.

 

 

Afterwards, Jon gave Bec a massage as they played their Kama Sutra DVD in the background. While the DVD was meant to be more educational, Jon also saw it as a way forward towards watching regular porn together.

 

 

As he felt the warmth of her soft skin flourish beneath his hands, he could feel his hardness pressing against his pants. Not for naked couple on the screen, which he’d since stopped watching, but just from enjoying his lover’s body. Paying close attention to all those curves of hers that he loves.

 

 

Bec fought against herself to not wriggle against his touch. Not that she was ticklish, but just as the wax in the candle, she could feel herself melting all over. She couldn’t remember a time, if ever, he had been so single minded in simply trying to make her feel good.

 

 

And it was working.

 

 

The massage set the pace for the rest of their evening. Sensuous, slow, loving. For the first time, they made love there on the lounge, lingering on each touch, every caress, every kiss.

 BOUND TOGETHER

They had re-lit the spark, and never looked back.

Jon and Bec were very pleased with the way things were going between them now. In and out of the bedroom. They didn’t always use the things they bought from the sex shop, but Jon had learned to slow down and pay his lover as much attention as he could muster.

Even still, it was only two weeks after their first visit that they returned to the adult shop.

They were eager to start with sensory deprivation play.

‘I want to be the first to tie you up,’ Jon said as the pair left the store, their bondage starter kit tucked into a large black bag.

‘You mean I’m just going to lay there and let you completely please and satisfy me?’ Bec laughed, ‘Yeah, that sounds horrible.’ She had no idea about what Jon was planning to do, what he had been imagining for some time now.

As they had found themselves frequently doing recently, they prepared themselves by sharing a shower. Lathering each other up, kissing as the steaming water runs along their bodies. When Bec’s soapy hand found Jon’s semi erect cock, she took extra care to wash it, lightly stroking him. She bit her lower lip, trying to hold herself back, as she felt him grow firmer beneath the touch of her fingers.

Jon pressed his forehead against hers, savouring her touch. His eyes dropped down, seeing streams of water shoot off from her erect nipples, before flowing down to where her hand was stroking him. He soaped his hands, starting from her shoulders, he moved them down to her silky breasts, before continuing on over her hips. Her skin was so smooth, encased with water and lubricated with soap.

Bec pushed back against his forehead, raising his chin so she could kiss him. She pulled her hands off him, wrapping them around his back, pulling him close. His own hands grabbed hold of her ass.

He squeezed her cheeks.

She could feel his erection poking against her belly. He longed to be inside her, and she needed him just as much.

Bec forced her tongue inside his mouth, drawing circles, craving him.

They barely towelled off before making their way the bedroom.

With the style of their bed, they had to buy an under-mattress restraint system, since they had no headboards to tie off against, which Jon had set up beneath the mattress before they had even jumped in the shower

‘Where do you want me?’ Bec said as she crawled into the middle of the bed.

‘Right there, on your back, spread out.’ His tone was unwavering, enough to make Bec do exactly as told.

He walked around the bed, and Bec’s gaze followed him, and his semi erect cock slapping against each leg as he took a step. Jon gently took her left hand and pulled it diagonally towards the corner, where he fastened the velcro cuff around her wrist.

‘How’s that?’

Bec yanked her hand against the cuff. ‘You can go tighter,’ she smiled.

‘You sure?’

She simply nodded her head yes. He did so, and followed suit with her other wrist before moving towards her ankles. Here, he made sure he had her legs spread as wide as he could get them.

Bec felt completely exposed. Stark naked, bound, her pussy wide open. Her nipples were rock hard, a mix of excitement and hesitation. But at the suggestion of the store clerk, they had come up with a safe word. Something they felt was appropriate for them, a reminder of where they had been sexually before, and where they were progressing to now. ‘Vanilla’.

She was glad they had the word in place, but at the same time, she trusted him completely. Besides, she was also interested to see what Jon had in store for her, and just how far she felt she would be able to go.

Jon laid the remaining pieces of the kit out on the bed, slowly, deliberately, making sure Bec could see each item. She couldn’t help but smile at the little feather tickler, a smile that soon faded as he took at the little leather flail. He already had some of their other goodies out, namely massage oil.

The last thing Bec saw was the plush lined blindfold, which Jon pulled over her head, softly kissing her cheek as he did so. She stretched her neck to try to kiss him, but he pulled away.

Bec couldn’t see the smile on Jon’s face.

Jon didn’t warm the oil up in his hands like he did the other times. Instead, he held the little bottle near her, and let the viscous fluid drip onto her skin.

Bec suppressed a little squeal, her body tensing, her arms tugging at the restraints. The cool oil began to warm as it ran along down her thighs. Jon was quick to move, his hands swiftly taking up the lotion, he could feel Bec relax beneath his palms. He took long strokes, following the length of her legs, his fingers covering most of the top. He was using just enough pressure to call it a massage, but almost light enough that Bec felt like it was a whisker from being a tickle.

As his hands made their way up her legs, along the inside of her thighs, Bec tried to squirm, tried to pull her knees together. She was trying to force his hand to touch her, she was so wet already.

But to no avail.

Jon heard her breath, heavy, quickening.

His hands slid right by her throbbing pussy, up and along the front of her hips, over the lightly protruding bone. Jon twisted his hands around, and brought the back of his finger tips running across her sides.

Bec couldn’t hold back any further, letting out a little squeal from her lover’s tickle.

Her restraints drew taut.

And suddenly, nothing.

She couldn’t feel his touch. Her own breathing was to loud to hear his. She tried to calm her breaths, slow them down, but her body was electric, still tingling from his touch.

What was he doing now?

Bec cursed her blindfold. She had no idea Jon could keep this going for as long as he had. She thought he would have gone straight for her pussy when he started massaging her legs. And yet, he hadn’t even touched her nipples!

While she wasn’t usually too reactive to much breast play, her nipples were so erect they were almost sore. She needed him to lick them, touch them, anything. She just wanted, no, she needed, a firmer touch, somewhere erogenous.

Her whirring mind did nothing to help regulate her breathing. She still couldn’t work out where Jon was, or what exactly he was doing. She squirmed a little on the but the restraints didn’t allow much movement. For a moment, she thought she could feel extra pressure upon the bed.

Bec let out a muted scream of shock as the cold massage oil dripped onto the middle of her chest, oodles of it, quickly running along the curves of her breasts, along her ribs, under her armpits.

Jon let the bottle continue dripping over her body, stopping just at Bec’s trimmed bush. He snapped the lid closed and tossed the bottle aside. All that time Bec was wondering where he was, he’d been applying the lotion to the front of his own body.

He climbed on top of her, his legs on the inside of hers, but just high up enough that he wasn’t entering her.

Bec shuddered. His mass wasn’t completely upon her, but he warmed her inside and out. She felt his warm breath lingering near her face. She inched her chin up, her lips parting. She felt his tongue extend to the opening of her mouth. She latched her lips around his tongue and sucked hard.

She wished it was his cock!

Jon pulled his head back, amused to watch Bec’s blindfolded face desperately searching for his tongue again. But he had other things in mind. He lowered his chest against hers, drawing his body side to side.

Finally, Bec had her desire for proper contact satisfied. Sort of. Jon rocked against her, slowly, with deliberate movements, only using his body, not his hands, which were propping him up and shifting him around.

Bec could feel his balls just touching her swollen clit, his erection firm against her belly. She moaned loudly, like a siren call, beckoning this sailor to clamour to her. To give in and enter her. To save her from this frustration.

But Jon was being strong willed. Stubborn. His body slid easily across hers, grazing her nipples, awakening every inch of her flesh.

Finally, she felt his weight shift, and the top of his thighs press against the back of hers. He drew his body along hers, down, letting his arms slowly follow thereafter, his fingers stopping briefly to caress her breasts, circle her nipples.

‘Oh yes,’ Bec whispered. She could feel his cock hard against her wet lips. His fingers journeyed further down, along her below and just as they were centred to hit her clit, he let them glide on either side instead, before they left her body completely.

Jon grabbed his cock and pushed it forward, the head pressing against Bec’s moist lips. He couldn’t remember being so turned on before. He thought he could explode at any time now.

But this was about Bec.

‘Just get in my guts,’ Bec cried out to him.

‘Well,’ Jon thought, ‘It’s about what she doesn’t realise she wants.’

Bec felt Jon pull away from her, and his weight lift up from the bed. The room fell silent again, except for her almost panting breath.

A familiar buzz broke the silence. Bec new it instantly. It was her little blue bullet.

‘Oh my god,’ she gasped.

Part Two of The First Time…

BIZARRE Sex Stories!

I am amazed at the popularity of these true sex stories so which to include a new category of some of the bizarre sexual activities I have experienced.

OH MY GUSH!

In my life, I have been lucky enough to meet some liberated women that are not afraid to explore what they want sexually, nor to partake in some of my fantasies.   Some of the women have been what is contentiously known as ‘squirters’.  Some experts say that this is just a woman in the throes of ecstasy releasing her bladder (peeing).  In my experience, it is definitely not and there are many experts as well as studies to confirm that this is a real female phenomenon – female ejaculation.

So most of the women I have had the pleasure to be with that have been squirters have varied in the amount of ejaculation fluid they release as well as how far they gush.  The fluid generally has no smell and or color.  I have been gushed on, gushed at, been inside whilst a woman is gushing and it is amazing knowing that a woman is completely relaxed and comfortable with you to ejaculate with or in front of you.  It is certainly a real turn on as well as compliment.

One night I had been out and met a special little lady.  We had drinks and were comfortable enough to go back to my place where we became amorous and go butt naked together.  Being a bit in a kinky and voyeuristic mood I lay down flat with my back on the bed and lay her on top of me, her back to my stomach side with her vajajay facing my face.  From here I instructed her to play with herself, talking dirty to her.  I encouraged her to tease herself until she came and the more she got turned on, rubbing her clit, putting her fingers on and in her vagina the more I talked dirty to her.

She was squirming and writhing in delight on top of me.   She started rubbing her G-Spot and I asked her with her other hand to place a finger gently inside her ass and curve it upwards – like she was doing with her G-Spot.  Many men and even women do not know that there is a gland called ‘skene’ that is very similar to the male prostate which also can be ‘milked’ and cause female ejaculation.

This woman had obviously never done this before and when she hit the skene gland and started massaging it whilst rubbing her G she began to yell and scream in ecstasy and began to ejaculate.  But this ejaculation was unlike any I had or have ever witnessed before or after.  She began ‘shooting’ loads of cum from her pussy towards my face.  These ejaculations were projectiles of cum delivered with such a force I put my hands up to protect being hitten in the face by them.  This ejaculation lasted for at least a minute and probably closer to two.  My hands and the pillow on each side of my head were covered in her cum.

This was not the usual gushing of liquid  with different levels of waves I had experienced before but full on shots like a nerf gun.   When it was over she lay on top of me quivering, shaking  and moaning.  She was totally spent and lay there for some time as I slipped out from under her and cleaned up….

THIS LITTLE PIGGY

I get the foot fetish, shoe fetish and leg fetish thing.  A ladies slender foot can be a sensual thing and Japanese geisha girls have bound their feed from an early age to have dainty small feet.  The sight of a stiletto evokes images of sexuality and for me domination.  A pair of pins slender, muscular on a woman in a short skirt is always going to make me take a second look.  Generally I tend to think of these fetishes being a man’s desire for a woman.

I started ‘dating’ a girl quite a few years back and obviously we had consummated our relationship a number of times.  The old saying when sex is bad it is still pretty good does not quite apply, but certainly it was sparklers rather than fireworks in bed.  That is until…..

One night we had been out and on our return I jumped in the shower and then lay on the bed naked.  I was just chilling whilst she also had a shower.  She came out looking pretty sexy all wet with a towel around her but instead of laying beside me she went to the foot of the bed.  This is new I thought, maybe I was going to get a massage or a nice head job before we got into some of the serious action.  But she stopped gazing, looking at me feet.

Tentatively she kissed my feet, and then started to lick between the toes.  I could see that she was getting more and more into it as she began to suck my toes, putting most of her energies into the big one.  Whilst she was doing this her body began to sway sensually with her ass up in the air – giving me a great view because of the mirror behind her.  But then she began to moan and her sucking became more vigorous.  I was amazed at my self control as generally I get ticklish on my feet.

This continued on for about five minutes as her moans became louder, then grabbing my feet hard she yells out, ‘I’m cumming’ and I watch as her body convulsed with her orgasm.  She was hot and wet and jumped on top of me and those sparklers became fireworks and it was some of the best sex I had ever had.

Obviously this became part of ‘our’ foreplay ritual for the remaining time I saw her and each and every time she went off, sucking ‘this little piggy’s’ toes

SEX Stories, I’m Not Proud About!

Seems there are a lot of kinky readers out there that like real-life sex stories So continuing on from the horror sex story article why not ad some sex stories that proud of is the furthest thing from one’s memories.  Some of us were young and stupid and had sex for the wrong reasons.   These stories I must explain were when I was a different person – I would never do these things now.  Here are a few of the unfortunately all too many sex stories I am not proud of –

GOAL

I used to work in a gym and was caught up in the ‘how do we look scene’.  Going out with the ‘beautiful people’ and getting satisfaction and kicks through the sometimes all too easy sexual opportunities.   In the gym, she was a ‘beauty’ nicknamed ‘Perian princess’ with olive skin, deep brown eyes and a figure of a goddess.   One of the most beautiful women your eyes could ever behold.  She was the wife of a famous Socceroo player.

We enjoyed each other’s company and were very ‘naughty’ with our talk and sometimes also with a few tantalizing glimpses of what was beneath our clothes.  Things progressed and we did a bit of erotic play, one day I shaved her pussy, another she gave me a nude massage.  We did everything except to actually have sex.

The time came when she tells me that her husband will be playing overseas with the Socceroos.  A big match!  Would I like to come around to her house and consummate our relationship that had so far been all but, sex. Sure, I figure – this could be fun.

As I arrive she has dressed the part, sexy lingerie.  Wow, what a sight!  We get into the foreplay stuff, lots of kissing, touching, caressing.  She starts to give me a blow-job and I do not know what comes over me but I ask her what time the game starts.  She looks up quizzically and says, ‘It’s on now.”  I say can you turn it on which she does – the game is maybe 15 minutes in.

So we get into it.  Having sex in front of a big screen whilst her husband is playing his heart out for Australia.  We go through half-time when I ask her if she has had anal before – to which the reply is no.  Do you want to try?  Sure.

So, grabbing the lube I gently enter her virgin ass and had anal sex with her all the way till the full-time whistle.  I deflowered her virgin ass whilst watching her husband on TV.

Look, I am not going to say that it wasn’t good sex because it was great but even shortly after the night knew it was not morally right.  I did the wrong thing.  After this, I could never be with her again, and it did haunt me many a night after.  What if that was done to me!!!

To the universe I am sorry!

CALL THE AMBULANCE

So also whilst working as a gym instructor I met a nympho.  She had one of the best muscular bodies I had ever seen.  She competed in amateur female body-building so there was not an ounce of fat on her, and fit, wow, sometimes it made me wonder who was the instructor and who was being trained.

Anyway, we hit it off and one day she invited me to her place for a ‘coffee’.  I explained to her that I did not drink coffee but I was more than willing to come over.  When she said yes, we both knew what that meant.

That first night, the whole suburb rocked.  We had sex for hours and when we were both spent we literally collapsed on a heap beside the bed and just started laughing.  This was something special, it was raw, animalistic, no boundaries, unadulterated XXX sexual experience.

We continued on with these sexual escapades for some time and tried so many different things – in this case, I was the student and she the master as her sexual repertoire far exceeded mine.  I became a vessel to satisfy her and learn new ways to explore the erotic arts.  Eventually, though the student had learned the lessons and wanted to try more.

So one fine night I got two ecstasy tablets and some poppers – we had never used either previously in our sessions.  We slipped the tabs and were buzzing within the half hour when our sexscapade began.  We did it this way, that way and then finally were not even sure which was which anymore.

Winding things down a bit I decided it was time to do something a little different so decided that I would insert some sweets in her vagina and eat it out.  We tried liquorice, jelly and finally in inserted some redskins.  Her going down on me at the same time had me hard as a rock and looking for somewhere to put it.

Forgetting about the redskins I figured it was time to get some anal action and for the first time introduced poppers into our sex play.    We both sniffed this liquid and the stars and more exploded, the sensual feelings were over-powering as I entered her ass balls deep.  It was too much as I accidentally dropped the bottle of amyl on the bed and a fresh wave of euphoria overcame me as I came in her ass and she collapsed on the bed.

Hang on, I say collapsed on the bed as I realised that she was actually collapsed on the bed.  As I turned her over I could not feel a breath, was there a pulse?  As these thoughts were going through my head and I put her in the recovery position ready to give her mouth to mouth the thought came ‘do I call an ambulance’?  What if I do, my cum is dripping from her ass and her pussy is full of redskins.

She came too!  Everything ended up ok and the ambulance was not required.  But the thoughts that came to me were how could I think of anything but her safety and well-being rather than what would other people think?  Not proud of that!

HORROR Sex Stories!

It appears you guys enjoyed the Horror Sex Toy Stories a lot so here are some sex stories that you may also enjoy.  Have you ever been caught out or put yourself in a position that was uncomfortable, to say the least, whilst having or about to have sex. Yes, we all have experienced them and here are a few kinky ones to enjoy.

WANNA RIDE?

The drinks were flowing and the bullshit was working one night at the Cheers Bar on George St, Sydney.  An ebony princess and I were feeling an intimate connection and it was not long before she excused herself from her friends and we connected with a view of partying together.  Walking together back to my apartment we ventured down a deserted alley.  Her toned and muscular legs were accentuated by the short black skirt she wore.

Sitting proudly in the alley was a shiny new motorbike with soft leather seats and mirror finish handlebars.  The bike looked so sexy and so did she as I pushed her backwards onto the seat, and our lips engaged in sensual kissing.  The moment was too much for both of us as she spread her legs, I ripped off her panties as she fumbled with my fly – I was thankful I had decided to free ball it that night.

As she lay further back I entered her and we began to have passionate sex.  This was an awesome bit of exhibitionism and I could see that she was getting turned on by it as well.  Needless to say, we switched positions on this bike, backwards, forwards, sideways and because of the drinks and the situations this was no two-minute wonder job, we were at it for more than 20 minutes, sweating and panting like wild animals, until finally, I came.

We both got off the bike and started to try to make ourselves respectable – when I noticed that there was a car directly behind the bike with two male occupants in it.  The passenger then got out of the car – he was big and full of tatts, telling me that the bike was his and he had only purchased it a few days ago.  That initially he was going to stop us but that once we got the show going he was more than happy to watch it till the end, that he could think of no better way to christen his new motor-bike.

After shaking my hand, I left with my ebony princess, both of us slightly embarrassed but also giggling like kids at what had just occurred as we continued on to my apartment.

PUT YOUR SEAT BELT ON SIR?

Another time I was flying overseas and asked a girl I was seeing if she wanted to travel with me.  It was a ten-day business trip and figured I could use the company so arranged to meet her at the airport.  The only stipulation of the trip I told her was that she had to wear a short skirt with no underwear on.  (Sure any male customs officers would enjoy that).

Me being quite a tall man I had no interest in joining the ‘mile high club’ by firstly trying to get two people to fit into a closet-sized toilet and second on most flights the toilets are disgusting.  I have never been able to understand why people would want to have sex in a stinky toilet on a plane.

So we boarded our plane and took off on our 11-hour flight.  We had managed to get the window to aisle seats with a spare one imbetween – so a row of three seats to ourselves.  This was a real bonus so was rewarded with both a bit of voyeurism as she lay with her head on a pillow against the aisle arm-rest with a blanket over her skirt laying across with me sitting in the window seat.  Lifting the blanket gave me a private show – and can I say it was pretty decent.

After a while, it was pretty difficult for me not ‘to help’ masturbating this stunning woman to climax – so being the gentleman I was, did so.  However, this caused a bit of a problem for me as I was now extremely horny with a steel pipe in my pants that needed relief.  So we managed to manoeuvre ourselves so that my back was against the rear of the three chairs and she lay in front of me so in effect I was spooning her.

The blanket was covering her skirt area and my jeans as I unzipped my fly and entered her.  Obviously, we could not get into the throes of passion with passengers sitting across the aisle on the right but the effect of being deep inside her – with the planes motions was sufficient to keep us both suitably aroused to keep going.  The turbulence motions intensified, and the effect was quite stunning until you guessed it -‘ding’ as the announcement came over, “Everybody to your seats and put your seat belts on.  We are going to experience extreme turbulence”.

As I managed to exit her with my rod still not spent the stewardess came to me, standing over me and in a stern voice said, ‘Sir, the seat belt light is on.  Please put your seat belt on.”

Without knowing what to do or say I simply said, ‘Sure can you please give us a bit of privacy for a minute or so and we will put our seat belts on.”

She looked bewildered and then the light came on as she realised what had been going on, shook her head and walked to the galley.

Strangely after the turbulence was over she came to us many times offering us drinks, being super friendly.  I think it may have bemused her and that was how I joined the mile high club…

 

HORROR Sex Toy Stories!

These days almost everyone above the age of 18 years either owns, has played with or had someone play with themselves with a sex toy.  Adult toys have become so much a part of individual and couples intimate play and are available easily online or at your local adult store.  Billions of people across the world have experience joyful bliss with the use of these sex aids…

But what about when it all goes wrong?

FLANGE-LESS BUTT PLUGS

Both men and women alike love butt toys.  The puckering sphincter is hungry for something to tease and tantalize those delicious nerve endings.  However butt plugs generally are a missile shape with a flanged ending.  The flanged ending is important as it ensures that this amazing sex toy will not be swallowed up into your rectum.

Many novices and even experienced sex toy users have played with that erogenous zone with a bullet or small vibe which is all well and good.  However, caution should be exercised.  So what happens if my butt devours it?

There are really only two options.  The first is to leave it there until you have your next bowel movement.  This can be annoying especially if you have some long-life batteries and your little pocket rocket vibrates through the night.  Some laxatives may help the process along the way.

The second is an embarrassing go to the local ER.  These doctors have seen all kinds of things shoved up that exit hole from gerbils to mobile phones.  So as embarrassing as this may seem, those Emergency doctors have seen it all and sometimes more.

WHAT IS THIS?

Sometimes after the heat of passion, cleaning up is the furthest thing from the mind of a couple.  Sex toy and lube left by the bedside or next to the lounge to be discovered by innocent eyes and hands with the question ‘What is this’?

It happened to me recently when my 9-year-old came up to me and said ‘I found this next to the couch.  What is it daddy?’  as he handed me a clit massager.  As I quickly took it from him and said, ‘Not sure mate that’s mummies’ and hastily handed it to his mother.

But what happens when an innocent grabs it and takes it to show and tell at school or delivers it in front of you with a roomful of guests.  When they discover that it vibrates and when put on the table will spin and wiggle, becoming their ‘new favourite toy’?

HAVE YOU ANYTHING IN YOUR BAG MAA’M?

Ahhh, our friendly customs.  There are many times that a vibrator without travel lock has begun to vibrate when going through customs causing a reaction that the owner certainly does not desire.    Or going through a bag produces a 12-inch realistic dong.  But what about when the find is broadcast in front of customs as well as passengers.

Many years ago when in LA my ex-wife bought a case (12) of anal eaze bottles.  We had been experimenting with anal sex and there was not much available in Australia at that time for desensitizing the sphincter.  So being who she was rather than buying one bottle had to buy a case which was put in our luggage.  At that time customs x-rayed your bags – with you in attendance before it was allowed to enter onto the baggage carousel.

The moment I dreaded came as her bag came to the x-ray machine and stopped.  The one customs officer that was checking it turned into 2, then 3 then half a dozen as they asked, ‘Who does this bag belong to?” To which my then-wife replied, ‘Mine.’  By this stage the bag had been singled out, the box opened, all the officers were giggling and the first bottle lifted out.  As the customs officer showed this to my wife with the 40+ passengers behind us all having clear view he asked, ‘What is this maa’m?’  She replied without hesitation, ‘What does it look like – have you seen the size of him? ‘ (pointing at me).  If I had a hole to crawl into I would have and all eyes were on me as the offices said, ‘No problems maa’m’,  and packed the anal eaze back into her bag for our return trip to Sydney.

PLEASE KNOCK ON THE DOOR

If you have children of any age, or you are a teenager with over anxious parents you know that there is no privacy. It does not matter if you are on the toilet or in your bedroom someone can walk in on you at any times.  Especially when there is a ‘we don’t have locked doors in this house’ rule.

So whether you are a male wanting to experience a bit of added sensation with a male masturbator,  a woman wanting a bit of relief with her vibrator or a couple adding a sex toy to their bedroom action it is good to have the ‘Please knock on the door if it is closed’ rule.  However, how many of us have been caught out mid-action?  And it is funny how those easy to use controls become oh so hard to handle when trying to switch off your sex toy.  Anyone above the age of 12 or 13 will know what that buzzing sound is?

Hope you enjoyed some of these horror sex stories.  There are so many more.