Fifty Shades of Grey

We are or should all be aware of the Fifty Shades of Grey phenomenon. Some of us were behind to start with.  I was at work one quiet day and a middle age gentleman came into the store.  He asked me did we sell the Fifty Shades of Grey book.

I had heard nothing of it and pumped him for information.  He replied all his friend’s wife’s were reading the book.  They were all bragging that they were getting more sex and more attention in the bed than ever before and he wanted in on the action.

I had no idea what he was talking about however as a guise under good customer service I was going to find out what Fifty Shades of Grey was.

What Was it About This Fifty Shades Book?

Over the next 2 weeks I had middle age women float into the store.  And say thank god there is a woman her and then whisper to me “Do you have the sex toys from Fifty Shades of Grey”?  

Still not knowing much about it I pumped the women. 

They actually were drooling from more than one body part as they told me it was just the hottest book they had ever read.  And they want to do what Anastasia had done to her. 

I finally found the book in Kmart at the bargain price of $9.99.  As soon found out there was 3 books in the series,  I was in for a penny in for a pound and was soon the proud owner of said books.

Time for a Holiday

I packed the 3 volumes, my hat shoes, sunblock and 3 bottles of belvedere and headed for River Island.

Where I merrily swung in my hammock with book firmly wrapped in my mit.  I will say the Fifty Shades of Grey book is very poorly written, and it is an easy read.

But I was hooked.

fifty shades of sex
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I fell in love with the book and could not put it down.

Now anyone with shame at this point in time could put it down to the belvedere.  But how can I explain that I read the 3 books in 3 days? 

I loved them.

Why did I fall in love with this poorly written misogynistic piece of crap?  So I have tried to strip back the book and the movie and have honestly given my opinion.

Fifty Shades of Grey is a story of a young girls sexual awakening.

The plot has been done to death and is very old fashioned.  But, it seemed to give the majority of women the courage to look further and deeper into what they wanted when it came to sex.

It seemed to allow oneself to be given the freedom to do what they had been fantasying over since they uttered those words I do. 

How bad could the book be for you?  It was sold in Kmart and Target.  Right beside the good old Women’s Weekly for god sake.

Sexual dependence, thy name is Anastasia Steele.

Why are we supposed to believe that this girl has gone 21 years neither having had sex nor masturbating?

Christian’s supposed sexual prowess makes a bit more sense now, as does Ana’s assertion that he has a giant penis.  She has absolutely zero experience, and she’s never once had anything “in there“.

Thing could be the size of a baby carrot and she’d still be like, “Oh, my god! How is it ever going to fit?!”

It’s good that she stockpiled all those potential orgasms, though, because now she’s capable of having like 15 a day or something.  Ridiculous.

Fifty Shades Darker Poster
Fifty shades Darker

Considered nothing more than “mommy porn”

I will attempt to pander to that  demographic for a moment. 

Were the sex scenes well-written?  NO!!! The sex scenes…honestly, they were  boring.  I’ve had more exciting sex myself.  I’m guessing that reader response to the sex scenes is dependent on reader experience. 

There’s nothing revolutionary here, and a lot of it is just plain unrealistic. 

I mean, come on, he pretty much jackhammers her hymen and she walks away with nothing more than a pleasant soreness?

How about the time he gives her a hand-job with a soapy washcloth? 

Apparently neither one of them has ever had a UTI.  Or we could talk about her first time giving Christian a blowjob, during which Ana established herself as some kind of Queen of Deepthroat.

I hated the attempt E.L. James made at giving these pathetic personalities.

Ana wears Converse, drives a vintage car, and likes classic British lit.  Bored yet?

And Christian.  We know Christian’s super deep and sophisticated because he plays the piano and listens to obscure classical music.  This is how we know Christian is really just a lost soul in need of love.

His love of music.  Everyone knows that no one threatening listens to music.  Music lovers just aren’t capable of doing anything bad.

Anyone wanna hear about the tampon scene?

Oh, you’ve already heard about the tampon scene?  For some reason, you imagine it being worse than it actually is.  While at the same time, reading about it is more horrifying than you could possibly imagine.

“He reaches between my legs and pulls on the blue string…what! And…gently pulls my tampon out and tosses it into the nearby toilet.”

Look, I’m not against sex during your period, but a guy plucking out a girl’s tampon? Not everybody’s cup of tea.

I’m no  prude, but there are certain lines people just shouldn’t cross.

What makes it worse is that Christian is just thrilled that Ana’s bleeding because he hates using condoms.  Apparently Christian doesn’t know that a woman can get pregnant while on her period.

Which is hilarious considering all the teaching and training he’s doing to remedy Ana’s sexual ignorance.

There are people who enjoy aspects of Fifty Shades of Grey while also criticizing its glorification of domestic abuse.

To recap

The Christian Grey experience depicted in the books and to some extent in the movie includes but is not limited to stalking, gas lighting, manipulation, forced alienation from one’s friends and family, and rape threats.

None of those behaviors are part of BDSM and nd none of those behaviors are acceptable in a relationship.  

fifty shades
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Fifty Shades of Grey movie presents a less explicitly abusive dynamic than the first Fifty Shades of Grey book

But that’s in no way an endorsement of the film.  If anything, that just makes its influence even scarier.

But sexy, no.  Hot – hell no. 

I was in wonder as to all those women young and old telling me it was the hottest thing they had ever read.  What was I missing?  

So after doing this review it has dawned on me. 

It was the romance. 

Take out his inexcusable behavior, he wanted her and nothing was going to stop him. 

Is that what I am missing is that what the average female wants? 

Just to be needed, wanted adored.  Sounds good to me.   Now where can we find that without the perverse predatory behavior?

Not behind my couch.  I have looked.

fifty shades
lady wondering about sex toys

Who else wants to know the mystery behind The Fifty Shades of Grey Drive Me Crazy Glass Massage Wand?

It’s no secret that glass dildos are one of my absolute favourite sex toys in the Oh Zone Adult Lifestyle Centres.  They are an inexpensive and beautiful self-pleasure product that I convince every woman to buy and try.

It is a recently exposed secret that I am a fan of the Fifty Shades of Grey franchise.

I blush even just writing that horrifying truth. You can imagine my delight when I come into work to find the Fifty Shades of Grey Glass Massage Wands have arrived.

There is so much about this product that makes it an exceptional choice for anyone looking for a sex toy that is guaranteed to please.

The Fifty Shades of Grey Drive Me Crazy Glass Massage Wand is so beautifully packaged, the signature colours giving it a sleek and sophisticated feel.


  • It features a picture and description of the dildo.
  • Contained in a solid black box appropriate for storage, with a silver “Fifty Shades of Grey” label on top.
  • A drawstring satin bag is included to keep the dildo clean and protected.

Perfect for G Spot Stimulation

Glass Massage Wand is a perfectly shaped toy for G-Spot stimulation.

  • It is slightly curved and features a rounded bulbous end which is great for stimulating those harder to reach pleasure spots in the vagina.
  • Measures just over 18cm in total length.
  • Girthy rounded handle meaning you have about 12cms of length to work with.
  • Underside of the curved shaft features 6 raised circles intended to add texture to the dildo.
  • A “Fifty Shades of Grey” white label is placed on the lower part of the handle, just in case you forgot that it’s a Fifty Shades toy!!

Why Try if You’re a Vibrator Addict?

I know that so many women are self-proclaimed “vibrator addicts” and this toy lacks the vibrating feature.  But I strongly suggest to woman mixing it up and trying a glass dildo.

Glass texture is firm and glides so well which is often a welcome sensation and let’s not forget that the real thing (aka a penis) doesn’t vibrate!

So ladies, if you’ve found yourself preferring a vibrator experience over play with your partner.  And it’s causing some tension, a glass dildo can be great at sensitizing yourself to those subtle sensations experienced during sex.

Another bonus is you don’t have to concern yourself with batteries and recharging toys.  No batteries, no worries!!!

Fifty Shades of Grey glass massage wand
Fifty Shades of Grey Drive Me Crazy Glass Massage Wand

Care, Lube and Cleaning

Its clear glass is very easy to clean, due to the glass being a nonporous material.

Simply wash with warm water and antibacterial soap.  I recommend the Wicked Foam ‘n Fresh Toy Cleaner for a really thorough clean.

You can use either a water based, silicone or oil based lubricant with this glass toy, depending on your preference.  Superslyde Silicone Lubricant and Aneros Sessions Water Based Lubricant are my personal recommendations.

It is Fragile so Be Careful

I found this out the hard way when I dropped my beloved glass dildo in the middle of the street whilst moving.

To my surprise, it didn’t shatter into a million pieces like I had feared but the toy can’t be trusted now.  I say this to stress the importance of being extra careful if you decide to purchase a glass dildo.

Because with the right care these toys will last a lifetime, making them such amazing value.  Drive Me Crazy Wand is amazing but unfortunately not shatter proof!!

This toy has several incredible uses besides being an epic vaginal dildo.

  • It can be used as an accompaniment to a sensual massage.  Simply cover you or your partner’s body with a massage oil.  I highly recommend Wildfire Pleasure Oil.
  • Use the head of the dildo to reach those tight and tender spots.  Firmness and glide of the glass will mean those sore and difficult to reach spots on your back and shoulders can be reached.
  • Can be an amazing anal toy
  • Simply place an Evolved Anal Stopper over the handle and keep at the bottom of the shaft to ensure a solid base. 

Can be Good for Squirting

  • I also recommend these types of dildos to women who want to achieve female ejaculation.  Otherwise known as squirting.  Using the head to push against the G-Spot can often make this happen. 
  • They adjust to temperature, which makes this toy perfect for temperature play.  Place under warm water for a delightful and welcome warmth or put in the fridge for an intense, cool experience.

Fifty Shades of Grey Drive Me Crazy Glass Massage Wand is an amazing dildo

Available at an affordable price.  I’ll leave you with a slightly cringe-worthy excerpt from the wands’ packaging.  Hopefully, it may entice you to create your own glass dildo fantasy.

“He slides the cool glass over my skin. I am beyond warm-warm and chilled and wanting.  He kisses me and starts to move it again-wand, fingers, thumb-a lethal combination of sensual torture”



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