Fifty Shades of Grey

We are or should all be aware of the Fifty Shades of Grey phenomenon. Some of us were behind to start with. I was at work one quiet day and a middle age gentleman came into the store. He asked me did we sell the Fifty Shades of Grey book. I had heard nothing of it and pumped him for information.  He replied all his friend’s wife’s were reading the book and they were all bragging that they were getting more sex and more attention in the bed than ever before and he wanted in on the action.I had no idea what he was talking about however as a guise under good customer service I was going to find out what Fifty Shades of Grey was.

Over the next 2 weeks I had middle age women float into the store and say thank god there is a woman her and then whisper to me “Do you have the sex toys from Fifty Shades of Grey”?  Still not knowing much about it I pumped the women. They actually were drooling from more than one body part as they told me it was just the hottest book they had ever read and they want to do what Anastasia had done to her.  I finally found the book in k mart at the bargain price of $9.99. I soon found out there was 3 books in the series and so in for a penny in for a pound I was soon the proud owner of said books.

I packed the 3 volumes, my hat shoes, sunblock and 3 bottles of belvedere and headed for River island. Where I merrily swung in my hammock with book firmly wrapped in my mit. I will say the Fifty Shades of Grey book is very poorly written, and it is an easy read. However I was hooked. I fell in love with the book and could not put it down. Now anyone with shame at this point in time could put it down to the belvedere. However how can I explain that I read the 3 books in 3 days?  I loved them. Why did I fall in love with this poorly written misogynistic piece of crap.  So I have tried to Strip back the book and the movie and have honestly given my opinion.

Fifty Shades of Grey is a story of a young girls sexual awakening. The plot has been done to death and is very old fashioned. However, it seemed to give the majority of women the courage to look further and deeper into what they wanted when it came to sex. It seemed to allow oneself to be given the freedom to do what they had been fantasying over since they uttered those words I do. How bad could the book be for you. It was sold in K mart and Target. Right beside the good old women’s weekly for god sake.

Sexual dependence, thy name is Anastasia Steele. Why are we supposed to believe that this girl has gone 21 years neither having had sex nor masturbating?   Christian’s supposed sexual prowess makes a bit more sense now, as does Ana’s assertion that he has a giant penis. She has absolutely zero experience, and she’s never once had anything “in there“. Thing could be the size of a baby carrot and she’d still be like, “Oh, my god! How is it ever going to fit?!”  It’s good that she stockpiled all those potential orgasms, though, because now she’s capable of having like, 15 a day or something. It’s ridiculous.

Fifty Shades Darker Poster
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Since this is considered nothing more than “mommy porn”, I will attempt to pander to that  demographic for a moment. Were the sex scenes well-written? NO!!! The sex scenes…honestly, they were  boring. I’ve had more exciting sex myself. I guess reader response to the sex scenes is dependent on reader experience. There’s nothing revolutionary here, and a lot of it is just plain unrealistic. I mean, come on, he pretty much jackhammers her hymen and she walks away with nothing more than a pleasant soreness? . How about the time he gives her a hand-job with a soapy washcloth?  Apparently neither one of them has ever had a UTI. Oh, or we could talk about her first time giving Christian a blowjob, during which Ana established herself as some kind of Queen of Deepthroat.

I hated the attempt E.L. James made at giving these pathetic personalities. Ana wears Converse, drives a vintage car, and likes classic British lit. Bored yet? And Christian; we know Christian’s super deep and sophisticated because he plays the piano and listens to obscure classical music. This is how we know Christian is really just a lost soul in need of love; his love of music. Everyone knows that no one threatening listens to music. Music lovers just aren’t capable of doing anything bad.

Anyone wanna hear about the tampon scene? Oh, you’ve already heard about the tampon scene?  For some reason, you imagine it being worse than it actually is, while at the same time, reading about it is more horrifying than you could possibly imagine.

“He reaches between my legs and pulls on the blue string…what! And…gently pulls my tampon out and tosses it into the nearby toilet.”

Look, I’m not against sex during your period, but a guy plucking out a girl’s tampon? not everybody’s cup of tea. I’m no  prude, but there are certain lines people just shouldn’t cross. What makes it worse is that Christian is just thrilled that Ana’s bleeding because he hates using condoms. Apparently Christian doesn’t know that a woman can get pregnant while on her period. Which is hilarious considering all the teaching and training he’s doing to remedy Ana’s sexual ignorance.

There are people who enjoy aspects of Fifty Shades of Grey while also criticizing its glorification of domestic abuse;  To recap: the Christian Grey experience depicted in the books and to some extent in the movie includes but is not limited to stalking, gas lighting, manipulation, forced alienation from one’s friends and family, and rape threats. None of those behaviors are part of BDSM. None of those behaviors are acceptable in a relationship. Fifty Shades of Grey movie presents a less explicitly abusive dynamic than the first Fifty Shades of Grey book, but that’s in no way an endorsement of the film. If anything, that just makes its influence even scarier. However sexy no, Hot hell no. I was in wonder as to all those women young and old telling me it was the hottest thing they had ever read. What was I missing. What were the women of today missing?

So after doing this review it has dawned on me. It was the romance. Take out his inexcusable behavior,he wanted her and nothing was going to stop him. Is that what I am missing is that what the average female wants. Just to be needed, wanted adored. Sounds good to me. now where can we find that without the perverse predatory behavior? Not behind my couch i have looked.

Author: Leonie is a consultant from Oh Zone Adult Lifestyle Centres

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