Being A Submissive Masochist

As most of you know, I’m an active member of the BDSM community. I identify as a submissive masochist aka sub/masochist  but I’m always evolving. 

Being so open about my kink world and talking to friends about it, I find that most folks think that people in this lifestyle are strange, weird, crazy and just plain scary.

Well that’s very far from the truth.

Safe, Sane & Consensual

The most important rules in this lifestyle are Safe, Sane and Consensual. Respect and trust are critical.

You wouldn’t want to be tied down by someone holding a flogger, a knife, or any other painful implement when you don’t trust them.  Respect people’s boundaries.

Once trust has been established, you play safely and you literally place your life in someone’s hands.  There is a big difference between consensual ‘hurt’ and physical, mental, or emotional ‘harm’.

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Aftercare is extremely important.

It happens after play……after all the intensity is over.  That is the time when you need cuddles, maybe a soft gentle stroking of your sore body, a warm throw blanket to be wrapped in.

A time when you re-connect with your partner. 

Without aftercare, it is simply a twisted form of abuse, even if it is consensual to begin with. 

Reputation within the community is very important, so those true to the lifestyle follow the rules.  If a member has behaved badly, word gets around.

Following protocol is essential.  

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Photo: sado masochism

I often get the question “What is it you enjoy about Being A Submissive Masochist?”

Having thought about this many times and although I know that that’s all I ever wanted to be, I could never, till now come up with a proper answer.  Well that could be understood by those who aren’t in the scene, or that would satisfy others’ curiosity.

You see, every person has their baggage. 

That internal pain that is always buried deep inside us.  A kind of pain that we don’t like showing to the world because we are “strong”.  Pain that floats about in our head as we walk around. 

A kind of pain that enters our mind as we try to sleep and keeps us awake at night.  The “why me” question that creeps in and makes us feel helpless at times.

What does Being A Submissive Masochist make me feel? 

When standing or kneeling in front of my Sir/Sadist, I feel like he lifts all that pain in my soul.

I feel like He is reaching deep inside my heart and removing the not so pleasant dark areas I feel at times. 

Dark parts in the depths of my soul, emotions that have been purposefully buried so deep for so long.  Because I’ve been too afraid to let them out.  Too afraid to even think of them, yet not dealing with them means they eat away at me slowly, day in and day out.

I love the power he has over me.

He is able to even have that kind of power over me, in fact,  is phenomenal.  But he might not be fully aware of how great an affect He has on me.  The dominance, the fear of the unknown and the very strong urge to please Him. 

An incredible yearning to serve His every need.

A final rush of adrenaline, the primal fear and pain being heightened to the point that I enter a trance like high – ‘subspace’.

As every strike stings my body, I forget about all the internal pain

All the thoughts, all the “why me’s” and all the things buried deep in my soul that have caused me pain.  It distracts me, and the whole world disappears with all its problems.

The only thing that exists is the submission which I feel so strongly, the sweet sting on my bare body and the powerful eyes and voice of my Sir/Sadist.  A need to serve completely consumes my mind.

Once the mind enters that state, there is no place safer.  There is no place more relaxing to be in, and there is no place I’d rather be than in submission.

It’s not about the sex

This is very different to a sexual experience.  It’s about the power of the mind.  Being able to control your mind and pushing certain boundaries.  And it’s about focusing on your weaknesses and strengthening your mind to face your fears and insecurities.

Trust and respect.

There is no greater feeling than literally placing your life at the fingertips of your Sir/Sadist, and knowing you are in the safest spot in the whole world!! 

Knowing that he is orchestrating while you relax in your safe spot. 

I have been very fortunate to be experiencing this journey

And I appreciate this lifestyle with all its ‘weird and crazy’ (to those that don’t know) protocols.   I have been blown away by the respect, tenderness, and acceptance of those that I have met along the way. 

But I can’t speak for others as I have found some real healing, and been able to deal with some of my demons simply by choosing to push these boundaries.   

I have grown in ways I never would have imagined and I love being a Submissive masochist.

About the Author: Sofie is a consultant at Adult Lifestyle Centres

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Dominant by Day, Submissive by Night: A Personal Story

When it comes to finding yourself, there’s no guide book.

My parents didn’t sit me down and talk to me about reading self-help books or suggested I go on one of those trips to India where you live in the mountains for a year in complete silence.

I happened to stumble upon myself while having sex.

Yeah, that’s right.

Though I haven’t gone around the world in 80 days or saved turtles in Hawaii, I was able to find who I was in a slightly unconventional way.

I didn’t think sub dom dating would help me understand who I am, but then again, I’m no genius.

Turning 25, and I was at my peak.  I graduated from university at the top of my class with a business degree.  Known as the “go-getter” type of guy, and was swiping through Tinder like it was toilet paper.

I had no problems as I was an alpha male.  Well, I still am an alpha male, but with a twist.

My twist came after I met Julie.

Usually, when I’m on a dating app, I’m not looking too deeply into women’s profiles.  I scan their photo, decide whether or not I’m into them, and then swipe.

But then I landed on her, Julie.  She wasn’t my type, but she was calling for me, luring me into her.  Though I was reluctant to swipe right, I did.  I couldn’t figure out why I was nervous

It’s a dating app.  You’re not signing up for marriage.  Looking back, I was scared because she didn’t look like the rest of the girls I dated

She looked like she would show me something new.

Well, my intuition was right.

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After flirting with Julie online, we decided to meet up for drinks.

I knew what “drinks” meant.  Everyone knows what “drinks” mean.  But over drinks, she asked me a question I wasn’t prepared for.  “So,” she said as she took a sip from her mojito, “have you ever been fucked by a woman?”

I nearly spat out my beer, “What? Are you serious? Hell no.”

She laughed, “No need to get defensive, I’m just asking.”  I was offended as I was as alpha as they come, and she thinks I let women fuck me?

We sat in silence for a couple of moments

“I know you think you’re this manly man, but you’re not.  You have a submissive side; you’re just hiding it.”

I was shocked, but at the same time relieved.  As I didn’t realize it at the time, but a part of me was happy to hear it, I wanted to be told this.

I chugged the last of my beer, “Alright. You think I’m submissive?  Who’s place are we going to? Yours or mine?”  She looked at me with a mischievous smile, “Mine.”

We walked to her place

She told me to sit on the couch as she went into her bedroom.

I thought she was cleaning the clothes from her bedroom floor, but instead, she came out in a latex outfit and a whip in one hand.

“The safe word is red. The second you say this word, we stop everything, understand?”

I nodded in shock, “Uh, yeah, uh, I understand.”

“Good. Now take off your clothes.”

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Submissive and his Dom

I nervously removed my socks as she yelled, “Faster!”

In a minute, I was completely naked.

“Get on your knees,” she said as she walked in a circle around me.  “Now listen to me carefully. If you don’t follow my instructions, I’m going to punish you.  Do you understand?”


“What’s the safe word?”

Nervously, I stuttered. “Uh, it’s ora–”

Her whip in her hand lands on my right ass cheek, releasing a small stinging pain, “Red! It’s red!”

“Good boy. Yes, the safe word is red. Now, we can start.”

The stinging feeling on my cheek faded quickly, but the sense of release stayed.

I didn’t need to be the alpha male and impress the people around me.  During this session, someone else was in control, worrying about the little things.  She whipped me, spanked me

I did everything she said and I could show the side of me that no one sees; the submissive side, the softer side.

Once the session finished, we sat down at her kitchen table and talked about it.

“That, that was amazing,” I said. “I felt so relaxed and out of control.”

“I told you, you have a submissive side. You just needed someone to bring it out of you. No one can be the ‘strong alpha male’ all the time.”

I nodded, “So…can we do this again?”

She laughed, “When are you free?”

Since then, I’ve had a couple of other dommes, but Julie was the first one who brought out the submissive side in me.

If I didn’t go on that date with her, who knows the person I would be and how I’d be trying to find myself.


One Reply to “Being A Submissive Masochist”

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