Deconstructing Sex Drive

sexual desire

What Your Libido Says About Your Health

Most of what we know about sex and sexual health we’ve learned from magazines and the internet. While some platforms are genuine and informative, others often try to push other agendas or sell a product. As such, it might lead to misinformation or misinterpretation.

Sexual compatibility is dependent on the sex drive of both partners

What Does Sex Drive Mean?

One of the most popular sex topics includes sex drive. Most people tend to live off from speculations and shallow online content. The best online dating sites often write blogs to address such issues, so please look them up. Here, we shall look into issues such as libido and age, its effect on our relationships, and when it should be a concern.

There are many factors that influence your libido, including mentally and physically

So, what does sex drive mean? Commonly referred to as libido, sex drive is a person’s desire or enthusiasm for sex or sexual activities. Those who often have sexual activities or urges are referred to as hypersexual. In contrast, those who lack sexual desire are hypo-sexual. More often than not, your sex drive is an indicator of your physical and mental functioning.

But is there an indicator for what sex drive is normal? How much is a lot, and how much is too little? Well, according to experts, the normal range is largely dependent on our partners. For instance, an individual might be hypoactive because they’re no longer attracted to their partners. According to some experts, the libido levels would only be an issue of concern if they affect your partner or yourself. For example, one couple might settle for once a month while another is okay with a weekly arrangement.

What Affects Your Sexual Desire?

First off, it’s crucial to note that libido is not fixated, and it is bound to change in certain circumstances. Most of the time, it’s easier to identify what causes a low sex drive or what affects your ‘normal’ libido. Some of the most common culprits include;

  •         The quality of your relationship/intimacy
  •         Fatigue levels
  •         Medication
  •         Abuse of drugs and alcohol
  •         State of mental health- stress, anxiety, depression
  •         Sexual abuse history
  •         Age
  •         Menopause/ pregnancy
  •         Poor sleeping habits
  •         Medical conditions such as diabetes and hypothyroidism

Is Sex Drive Good for Your Relationship?

Culture is a great influence on the dynamics of sex. It often dictates how early individuals experience sexual activities, openness on the topic, and the number of partners considered normal. 

The range for normal sex drive depends on how comfortable partners are with each other

Understanding how your culture affects your sex drive allows you to find partners more sexually compatible. As such, we can describe a ‘normal’ sex drive as something you’re both comfortable with.

The Impact of Time on Sex Drive

Just like most of our body functions tend to change with age, so will our sex drive. In women, physical changes associated with the aging process or menopause increase their self-consciousness, especially sex. Some women might experience decreasing libido if their bodies produce lower levels of sex hormones.

A drastic drop in libido is an indicator of pressing mental or physical unwellness more often than not. For instance, midlife crisis, big life changes, or emotional trauma tends to affect the sexual function of an individual.

It’s crucial to understand how sex drive changes through the years and how you can remedy the situation. Communication between partners is a great way of dealing with decreasing sex drive. There is often no need to seek professional help.

Conclusion

A decline in sexual interest can result from a web of factors, including biological, personal, psychological, interpersonal, and cultural. If you think it’s a reason for concern, please reach out to a professional. A clinical evaluation helps your doctor point out any underlying issues that might be eating away at your libido. Common treatment procedures include counseling, hormone therapy, and medication.

Do you have any queries or comments about sexual health and desire? Drop us a comment below. We would love to hear from you!

Author’s bio:  

Miranda Davis is a freelance writer in the relation and psychology area. Miranda is interested in such topics as building healthy relationships between people, love/sex compatibility, and how to find the right balance in life in general. She is currently doing specific research on the topic. Miranda loves cooking and long-distance walking.

Breaking Up With Love Addiction

Love addiction

The heart is an addiction

“The way you treat yourself sets the standard for others” – Sonya Friedman

But what if the way you see yourself isn’t good enough? What if you feel the only way to feel good is by loving someone else?

Choice isn’t a factor when you fall in love, love like so many other things is addictive but comprehending that on many levels is difficult.

Love is addicting, love is addiction, and love isn’t a choice.

Addicted to love
Image: Love Addiction

So many of us fall in love and we can’t explain fully why or how, we just do. Something in us sparks this feeling and we can’t get enough of it, we obsess over it and it engulfs us with all our being.

Love is beautiful, love is magical, love is truly meaningful but love can also be what you think is a safe and virtuous way to escapes one’s own mind.

I didn’t realise till I was reading other blogs that I was obsessed with loving people, I was obsessed with loving people and doing everything I physically could to please people. But on the flip side I never allowed anyone to love me back, I pushed them away, I never set myself healthy boundaries because when you have no expectation you can’t get hurt can you?

I was so drained, I felt numb always and felt that I was never good enough for anyone… those were my excuses for my partner cheating, those were my excuses for previous abusive relationships, I was never actually good enough… I victimised myself over and over again and told myself I didn’t deserve to be treated well, and I thought that so much I actually started to believe myself whole heartedly.

This ended up being my solution to all the pain and suffering I once felt, because you can’t feel if you don’t let anyone in. This was my escapist behaviour; this is what became my normal and my comfort, my ability to reject. Our deepest insecurities can be numbed with drugs, alcohol, exercise, shopping and love. It just depends what we choose to be our addiction. I chose love, because how much harm can really be in love?

At the root of our core in any addiction is that “we are not good enough”, and we use this feeling to people please, we don’t say no, we are loving and kind. We feed all the things we want most into everyone else why? Because deep down it’s what we want because we have drummed into our own heads that we are not worthy of these things so instead we shower everyone else and seek pleasure from giving.

Giving isn’t a bad thing, it’s far from being a bad thing but when we give all of ourselves we forgot about our own pain because we are too busy loving everyone else. This is when it turns into something bad, this is when it becomes damaging and detrimental to our own lives and minds.

Love and attachment quote
Image: Love vs attachment

How many times have you heard the saying:

“You have to love yourself before anyone else can love you”

How many times did you roll your eyes? The truth is just that. We try and love ourselves by loving others more, by never saying no to peoples demands or wants, by feeling guilty when we want things ourselves or want to make time for ourselves, by putting up with abusive behaviour like neglect, or inconsideration, you end up realising you have lost respect in yourself. You end up realising that you were never loving yourself, you were trying to love others more as a way to trick yourself into thinking you are loving yourself because it’s what you think you want.

Deconstructing your self-denial is the hardest part of learning to love yourself again. There is a colossal difference between experiencing self-love rather than just conceptualizing it mentally.

Self-love starts internally; seeking happiness, acceptance and contentment outside ourselves will never keep us satisfied. We need to realise that all the energy we put into others needs to also be put into ourselves, instead of looking for validation elsewhere.

We need to love ourselves deep from our core. Until you’re ready to accept yourself and practice creating healthier boundaries you will not respect yourself. You need to deconstruct your self-denial before building up your true authentic self in all areas of your life.

Morgan x

Author: Morgan is a consultant from Oh Zone Adult Lifestyle Centres

Never Lose To The Seven Year Itch

Unhappy husband and wife

From our birth onwards we simply desire contentment. We want happiness and a happy life.  This is especially true when we get married and enter into a new relationship. We are human beings and the human species on this planet earth wish to have a joie de vivre and we make every effort to attain it. I don’t know about extraterrestrials, perhaps they may be visiting planet earth in their flying saucers just to find the thing called happiness. (We must ask Steven Spielberg about it….!)

After marriage both the partners are in the pursuit of happiness. There is a supreme dedication for one another as a thorn may prick at the sole of a husband and tears appear in the eyes of his wife. Every kind of happiness and every kind of suffering is related to the mind and body. The impact is both mental and physical. Between the body and mind, it is our mind which is primarily related to the sentiment of happiness. The body is secondary. If the body is content we even ignore its existence.

Sexual activity is a physical one and thus the body is content in the initial stage of marriage. The touch, the friction of skin, the sexual attraction for each other’s erogenous zones and the building of fire and subsequent lustful crescendo, ending into a lethargic ambiance of relaxation and blissed out state of existence overtakes the honeycombs of the inner core. However the mind is fluid, and when the mind overtakes the body the turmoil begins. The mind of a woman is differently wired as emotion overtakes practicality. It registers every detail, however small it is. Then the result is joy if the detail is cheerful, or agony if the detail is painful.

During the first few years of marriage everything seems rosy and heavenly but once the novelty wanes out the difference of opinions between two partners crop up. The activities are loved by both people at the beginning become abhorred at a later stage. As the saying goes, it is the seven years itch.

How To Deal With The Seven Year Itch

The question then arises as to how to deal with such a situation.  The research has shown that if you happen to be charitable, philanthropic and bountiful than you emanate that quality of happiness. When I say be charitable, you don’t have to shell out money to be charitable. As the saying goes, charity begins at home. You have a heart. Open it up.  Bestow your love. Be compassionate towards others. When we understand that everyone in this world encounters suffering in one or the other way, our own problems become realistic and the obstacles don’t look unattainable. What is required is few soothing words instead of clashes of the ego. With a few sweet words from the bottom of the heart and a broken heart starts healing itself.

Unhappy long term relationship
Image: Dating Problems

The Importance Of Interdependence

However capable an individual may be, if he or she is left alone he or she is sure to diminish. A support system is a fundamental requirement of human beings and it is a vital part between two adults who are wedded to each other. It is interdependence. The whole of the universe is an example of how it has come to evolve to its present form is because of interdependence. From the planet to the space, oceans, mountains, forests, the flora and fauna, even the garden around your house, to the tiny world of insects all are entwined together. If they don’t interact they will decay, dissolve and die.

Therefore, be interdependent. Interact. Develop a sense of compassion. Believe in the relationship, companionship and camaraderie. They are hard to come by. When the promise of a relationship and friendship breaks, there is no noise. What remains is silence. Eerie silence. Unbearable silence pleading for communication that is asking for interdependence. If that is done you will feel special and loved.

It is of prime importance that we try to have mental tranquillity. This peace fullness and understanding of each other’s flaws is very vital between husband and wife because it is a union of two imperfect human beings.

When Your Partner is Depressed

Beyond Blue Mental Health Statistics

According to the statistics by Beyond Blue 1 in 6 people (1 in 5 women and 1 in 8 men) will experience depression during their life. Depression can affect people in a myriad of ways, but it can have serious consequences to an individual’s sex drive. Intimacy is an important part of any relationship and a lowered/non-existent libido can place enormous pressure on a relationship. Therein lies the catch, depression affects libido but sex can provide enormous boosts to one’s mood. This cycle is often hard to break but there are a few important tips to take some pressure off the relationship, and work through it as a team.

Beyond Blue mental health

Seek treatment for the depression

Seeking treatment for depression breaks the first barrier, admitting that there’s something going on and asking for help. Your doctor can refer you to a specialist, counselor and administer some form of treatment to get the ball rolling. But regaining your sex life isn’t necessarily going to happen unless you start treating the depression first.

Speak to your partner

It’s important that you’re honest with your partner and let them know what’s going on. It’s important that you’re both working with each other and supporting each other throughout. Depression can be extremely rough for the individual battling it and those immediately around. It is essential that this part be about some give and take – depression takes away the motivation of things that they once enjoyed, reintroducing these things in small steps, can be extraordinarily beneficial. Just keep in mind that energy levels may be lower than normal and a brisk walk around the park may be more realistic than the 2k jogging laps they were used to.

Find other forms of intimacy

Even without intercourse, you can still try and keep up the physical and emotional intimacy. Snuggling on the couch, massages, touching and kissing is still enough to keep up the intimacy and to let each other know that you’re still desirable and desired. Visiting your local store for a sensual handheld massager and massage oils is also a great way to induce intimacy by spoiling your loved one – remember that although their sex drive and libido is down that doesn’t mean they won’t become interested with some playful foreplay and intimate acts. Who knows! It might become a sexy stepping stone to something more. These simple acts are enough to provide elevations to mood and can be a supportive measure towards helping your partner beat depression without it driving a lasting ridge within the relationship.

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Depression is a serious illness for everyone involved and effects a large amount of people within the Australian community. Beyond Blue shares the statistics that 1 in 6 people will either have depression or anxiety mental health issues.

It’s important to remember to be there for your partner, communicate with them and don’t blame your partner for having depression. Depression can cause various confusing effects, sometimes people can lash out and push loved ones away. Even though at the times when they have depression, they need people to be there for them the most. Remember to be strong and supportive. You can help each other through the difficult times. Sometimes if you ask the person “Is there anything that I can do for you?” may just be one of the questions they need to hear because them knowing that you are there will help them greatly. There’s no 100% effective way for dealing with depression in a relationship. But the above tips are a sure fire way to get the ball rolling.

It is with optimism that we find people more accepting of sex and sexual preferences and adult stores now evolving to becoming sex-positive outlets that not only sell product but advise clients what may be best suited for them. One of the most progressive of adult shops in Australia are the Oh Zone Adult Lifestyle Centres that offer a non-judgmental and safe place for those that may be seeking some relief of depression by using sexual health aids and sex toys. Come in or call any time and speak with our highly trained and motivated consultants.

Author: Stephen Smith – BA Of Social Sciences, M.Ed

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