Breaking Up With Love Addiction

The heart is an addiction

“The way you treat yourself sets the standard for others” – Sonya Friedman

But what if the way you see yourself isn’t good enough? What if you feel the only way to feel good is by loving someone else?

Choice isn’t a factor when you fall in love, love like so many other things is addictive but comprehending that on many levels is difficult.

Love is addicting, love is addiction, and love isn’t a choice.

Addicted to love
Image: Love Addiction

So many of us fall in love and we can’t explain fully why or how, we just do. Something in us sparks this feeling and we can’t get enough of it, we obsess over it and it engulfs us with all our being.

Love is beautiful, love is magical, love is truly meaningful but love can also be what you think is a safe and virtuous way to escapes one’s own mind.

I didn’t realise till I was reading other blogs that I was obsessed with loving people, I was obsessed with loving people and doing everything I physically could to please people. But on the flip side I never allowed anyone to love me back, I pushed them away, I never set myself healthy boundaries because when you have no expectation you can’t get hurt can you?

I was so drained, I felt numb always and felt that I was never good enough for anyone… those were my excuses for my partner cheating, those were my excuses for previous abusive relationships, I was never actually good enough… I victimised myself over and over again and told myself I didn’t deserve to be treated well, and I thought that so much I actually started to believe myself whole heartedly.

This ended up being my solution to all the pain and suffering I once felt, because you can’t feel if you don’t let anyone in. This was my escapist behaviour; this is what became my normal and my comfort, my ability to reject. Our deepest insecurities can be numbed with drugs, alcohol, exercise, shopping and love. It just depends what we choose to be our addiction. I chose love, because how much harm can really be in love?

At the root of our core in any addiction is that “we are not good enough”, and we use this feeling to people please, we don’t say no, we are loving and kind. We feed all the things we want most into everyone else why? Because deep down it’s what we want because we have drummed into our own heads that we are not worthy of these things so instead we shower everyone else and seek pleasure from giving.

Giving isn’t a bad thing, it’s far from being a bad thing but when we give all of ourselves we forgot about our own pain because we are too busy loving everyone else. This is when it turns into something bad, this is when it becomes damaging and detrimental to our own lives and minds.

Love and attachment quote
Image: Love vs attachment

How many times have you heard the saying:

“You have to love yourself before anyone else can love you”

How many times did you roll your eyes? The truth is just that. We try and love ourselves by loving others more, by never saying no to peoples demands or wants, by feeling guilty when we want things ourselves or want to make time for ourselves, by putting up with abusive behaviour like neglect, or inconsideration, you end up realising you have lost respect in yourself. You end up realising that you were never loving yourself, you were trying to love others more as a way to trick yourself into thinking you are loving yourself because it’s what you think you want.

Deconstructing your self-denial is the hardest part of learning to love yourself again. There is a colossal difference between experiencing self-love rather than just conceptualizing it mentally.

Self-love starts internally; seeking happiness, acceptance and contentment outside ourselves will never keep us satisfied. We need to realise that all the energy we put into others needs to also be put into ourselves, instead of looking for validation elsewhere.

We need to love ourselves deep from our core. Until you’re ready to accept yourself and practice creating healthier boundaries you will not respect yourself. You need to deconstruct your self-denial before building up your true authentic self in all areas of your life.

Morgan x

Author: Morgan is a consultant from Oh Zone Adult Lifestyle Centres

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