New to BDSM? Here’s what you should know

So you’ve read about it, seen it in a movie, or heard a friend talk about their experience. It doesn’t matter how you first encountered it — BDSM is bound to inspire curiosity in everyone who comes across the concept.

The truth is, few things in the world are as misconstrued as BDSM. Factors like misrepresentation in movies and the lifestyle’s reputation for being extremely taboo contribute to many misconceptions about it. 

If you’re planning to try BDSM yourself, we strongly caution against going into it blindly.

Trust us. You want to be as prepared and knowledgeable as possible when you dive into the exhilarating world of BDSM.

So before you press check-out on that cart full of naughty costumes and BDSM gear, make sure to read this newbies’ guide.

What is BDSM?

BDSM stands for “bondage, domination, sadism, and masochism, and is an umbrella term for just about any type of power dynamic in the bedroom.

So depending on who you are and what types of sexual adventures you’re into, BDSM can mean many things.  It can be as simple as light spanking, or it can go as far as elaborate bondage and strict obedience.

If you’ve always been dominant in your everyday life, BDSM can offer you an alternate world where you allow someone else to call the shots and vice versa. 

BDSM is big on freedom, experimentation, adventure, and fun. As long as you keep in mind the tips below, you’re bound to have a great experience.

Tips for a great BDSM experience

Discuss Consent and Boundaries

What’s the key difference between BDSM and straight-up sexual assault? Consent.

Intimate activities should always stem from an agreement regardless of context.  The beauty of BDSM is you get to experience things that are considered by many as too taboo.

Truly, it’s a judgment-free lifestyle.  You can do pretty much anything as long as all participants willingly and explicitly consent to it.

A discussion about personal boundaries is essential to safely enjoy BDSM. Establish what is allowed and what is off-limits before getting frisky with your partner, and make sure to always respect each other’s limits.

A Safeword is Essential.

All parties involved should understand the risks and take all necessary precautions. One non-negotiable safety measure is the use of a safeword.

This word, which is agreed upon beforehand, will serve as a signal to either tone down or completely halt activities if things go too far. 

Most suggest using words that you wouldn’t typically say in a sexual situation. For example, people want to be able to say ‘’stop’’ and ‘’no’’ as a part of role-playing without spoiling the fun. 

That said, choose your safeword wisely. It can be something as mundane as “yellow” or “noodles” — really, it’s up to you!

Be open and honest.

Communication is vital in BDSM. You should be comfortable enough to talk about your desires and fantasies.

Conversely, no-go’s and turn-offs should also be discussed. BDSM needs openness and honesty to be fully enjoyed.

One common mistake we often see beginners make is compromising on their comfort. They allow themselves to be pushed to do things they’re not 100% comfortable with out of fear of being branded a buzzkill.

But really, you shouldn’t be engaging with anyone who judges or shames you for your boundaries. 

Start Small.

When you’re planning for your first ever BDSM session, it can get tempting to go all-out. Blindfolds and handcuffs? Check! Dirty talk? Check! Whips and lots of rope? Why not?

While there’s nothing wrong with pulling out all the stops, we recommend starting small — especially if it’s a first time for both you and your partner.

Allow yourself to slowly explore and get a feel for the lifestyle. You can always add more later.

A parting note

Once you’ve got the tips we’ve outlined above down pat, always remember one thing: have lots of fun!

BDSM might sound dark and scary, but the truth is, it’s a sexual experience that’s only possible with lots of communication, respect, and care.  Good luck!

Who Controls A BDSM Sub Dom Relationship?

Contrary to popular belief the elements of a BDSM relationship are frequently determined by the submissive, not guided by the dominant.

Submissive

A submissive sets the limits at the very beginning of a BDSM relationship.  The submissive chooses what spots can and cannot be used.  And the submissive can demand the ending of any type of sexual play at any time with a safe word.

Dominant

A dominant from various perspectives, is essentially a facilitator of what the submissive wants or needs.  It’s the dominant’s business to make a setting where their submissive partner can act out their fantasies in a safe and healthy environment that has been agreed by both parties.

The submissive must have full trust of the dominant to take care of their body at all times.

A sub/dom relationship takes time to develop total trust in one another.   Statistically couples that practice BDSM role playing have a higher percentage of maintaining a relationship.

Setting the Rules and Guidelines for BDSM Sexual Play

These need to be worked out at the start and is an ever evolving facet of this kind of erotic play.

People’s limits may change requiring a gentler touch at timeor to be more open with the BDSM process pushing limits to the extreme.

Just like anyone else, people participating in this kind of activity will have their likes and interest’s change, depending on what they are into, or their mental state at that given time.

Something that used to sound like it wouldn’t be fun or fascinating may later on tickle your bondage partners fancy. Things you may appreciate now, you may not so much appreciate later on.

Something may become mundane or even boring after repeating it a number of times.  Maybe your wants have just changed with no logical reason to be given.

Go Over How you Felt after each BDSM Session

After each role playing session it is good to go over how your felt, what the experience was, what felt good and what felt not so good.

You and your bondage partner should openly discuss  your limits.  Talking and communication will help maintain positive bondage play experiences.

Role Reversal in BDSM

Many couples that participate in BDSM will reverse roles, taking turns to be a dom one time and a sub next time.  This is a terrific idea as it allows each of you to experience the sensations the other feels and allows you to appreciate each other more.

Being the dominant does not mean that you do not want to satisfy your sub.  Generally it means exactly the opposite as if your partner is not enjoying it, it could mean that they will no longer participate in the activity.

The mind set should be that both of you please, excite and enjoy the roles you are playing at and that it be shared equally and not in one direction.

A dom teasing the sub making them crave for more and when more is given bringing them to new heights of ectasy is one example.  So too with humiliation, cuckolding and more.

Who Controls BDSM Play?

A submissive does have the ultimate control in BDSM play in most instances for two reasons:

1. In a BDSM relationship, the submissive sets the points of restraint, what can be used and what cant be used. For example, they can limit what type of restraints, material and sex toys that can be used.
2. They also inform the dom of what limits they are prepared to do and armed with a safe word can stop the play at any time.
3. A sub will instruct the dom what activities are allowed like tickling, whipping, slapping but the dom is not allowed to carry out any other activities without consent.
4. They will inform the dom what BDSM instruments or accessories are allowed like body harness, gags etc.

BDSM Acronyms