The Good, The Bad & The Awkward – What They Don’t Show You in the Movies

If I’ve come to any conclusions in my 20 years on this planet, it’s that I resent the ways in which screen media depicts real life situations. They want you to cry, to feel and to laugh – so for that to happen, they depict real life situations as much more theatrical than they really are. Believe me, I love a good movie as much as the next girl, but sometimes I wish I could get through a move without my eyes rolling so hard into the back of my head that I almost have a self induced seizure (find link here on how to get the perfect eye roll). Though the biggest disparity, I believe, between the movies and real life, is the way in which sex is depicted.

A few years back, when I was a mere 16 year old, like many other teens, I burned over the relationships the girls in the movies were having. They had hot, impromptu sex and their first time (usually) wasn’t awkward. But now, the cramps, queef’s and fails are what I love about a long term relationship. The ability to laugh over the used-to-be awkward is what makes sex so great and I wish they would show that in the movies.

So what is it that the movies don’t capture?

  1. Leg/arm cramps

When was the last time you heard someone in a movie yell “OW, OW, OW. OUCH STOP, I’VE GOT A CRAMP”….. Never, am I right?

The movies NEVER show a good, old, debilitating arm cramp that calls for a 5 minute time out. You’ve been there, you’re trying to do your best at manoeuvring that Jopen Comet Wand, but your little arms just can’t move fast enough. I think even The Rock would get an arm cramp after 5 minutes of the Comet Wand, so don’t be too hard on yourself!

Muscle Soreness Image
Image: Muscle Soreness
  1. Weird vagina noises

No movie shows a squelching vagina or a good old queef.

It’s true, it’s not a pretty sound, but come on! It happens to the best of us.

I’d probably still rather listen to a loop of a continuous queef for 2 hours and 5 minutes than watch the movie “Valentines Day” ever again, that’s for sure.

 

Not Sure If Fart Or Queef Funny Image
Image: Not Sure If Fart Or Queef
  1. Other weird body noises

Lately, and correct me if it’s just me, but me and my partner have been making weird body noises. I’ll paint the picture for you… missionary, you’re sweaty/lubed up, armpits interlocked = fart noise. Or, sweaty, missionary, boobs on boobs = fart noise.

Rarely is lesbian sex shown in the movies as it is, but I’ll be damned if they show a real life lesbian scene, not for the male eye, with weird body queef’s. Sorry boys! It’s not all pillow fights and glamourous babes making out.

 

When She Asked Me Quote
Image: When She Asked Me
  1. The wet patch

Whether it’s the dreaded cum drip, or if she’s a squirter, never have I ever seen a couple in a movie have to change the sheets on their bed before they go to sleep. They finish (usually at the same time),sigh and gloriously spoon each other all night.

  1. Shower sex is always shown as amazing

It is steamy, sexy, impromptu… NOT. I’m clumsy at the best of times and the potential for me to slip and die is too likely. Death by shower sex. Unless you get yourself one of these from your local Oh Zone store and then maybe you’ll be okay!

I love a good movie as much the next person does, but can we PLEASE see some more awkward, queef producing sex!

About the author: Chloe is a consultant from Oh Zone Adult Lifestyle Centres

 

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