DIGNITY: A Power People Respect!

It is in times of crisis or hardship that the true colors of an individual are shown.  It is easy to crumble and blame, vent or even surrender but those that step up and act with honesty and decorum are those that we admire the most.  When the odds are stacked against, people with dignity tap into some universal source of power that enables them to perform above and beyond that of normal people inspiring those around them to support and respect them.

Dignity is an attribute lacking in many modern day politicians that believe the only way up is to sling mud around them in order for them to rise the ranks.  In other words to not only take advantage of but create misfortune for other people for their own personal gain.  There are too few ‘honest’ politicians out there that ‘do’ rather than say.  Regardless of what people thought about him I believe our former Prime Minister Tony Abbot was one such person.

Dignity requires one to circumvent the daily squabbles causing malicious resentments and get on with the job.  Find other people that are leading their lives not for their own selfish fulfillment but for the betterment of others, regardless of what consequences may arise because of it.  Look at Nelson Mandela – now there is the perfect example of living with dignity above and beyond what 99.9% of us can.

In adversary how do you handle yourself?  Do you break down and cry?  Do you blame someone else?  Do you try and sabotage?  These are common reactions but undignified.  Those with a lack of self-esteem tend to get angry, and in order to feel better will denigrate another.

Imagine having billions of dollars but giving away more than you earn?  Bill Gates one of the world’s wealthiest men has in his philanthropist ways.  He has given away his personal current worth many times over and has numerous charity trusts and projects.  He also will not be leaving all his remaining money to his kids – obviously setting them up but his outlook is that no one person deserves such wealth and has openly said that although he has paid every tax dollar he owed believes he should have paid more to contribute to society and people.  Could you be that dignified?

Each day dignity is being redefined in actions by every day people.  The smallest act of dignity can have a rippling effect through family, community, government and even the world.  Being aware and compassion are side attributes of dignity.

I choose to live the most dignified life I can.  Will you?

The Truth About Valentines Day!

Valentine’s Day is just around the corner and while many people prepare lavish gifts and nights out with their loved one, there are those of us that dread this day. It can already be hard enough to see couples out when you pick up your morning coffee, but for some reason, it seems that much harder on Valentine’s Day.

Films and fairy tales have a lot to answer for. They wrote the rules for love stories, and propagated these myths with mass consumption. Yet rarely are real lives as clean cut as the background-poor caricatures forever thrust upon us. A story resonates with us on deeper levels because it is designed to pass on a message of survival. An experience shared to help us better know how to navigate our own lives without, hopefully, the pain of going through such times ourselves.

‘Don’t eat at that place, my friend Leslie had a whole glass of red wine tipped over her by the incompetent waitress, all over that new dress she bought just for that first date!’

Sure, not exactly a life and death story, but our need for actual survival stories has greatly diminished through the ages. I believe that where we need the most help, the most guidance, is in matters of the heart.

And mainstream stories just aren’t cutting it.

Life and love are messy. We’ve all met lovers, and we’ve lost most of them through a vast array of reasons. Sometimes we reflect on where it all went wrong, what we could have done different, if it was something we could have changed in ourselves, or adapted to, or if it was purely in the hands of the other. At which time, we might ask ourselves why weren’t we more aware of their shortcomings to begin with.

Dating, as I’m often told, is a long process. There might be a few dates before the first kiss, numerous more until the first night shared together. It can progress through lovely outings, bushwalks, restaurants and cafes, and a plethora of other activities designed to wear your purse and free time thin. This blossoming relationship might then move to more intimate settings, a perfectly home cooked meal presented with matched wines, sat across from one another on a candle lit table as the alcohol eases your defences and helps the bond to grow between you.

Eventually, maybe a year later, and months of discussion first, you move in together. You into their place, they into yours, or a whole fresh start somewhere new. And perhaps this is where those first signs of being mismatched reveal themselves. This is when you realise all those beautiful nights spent around the dining table, quietly admiring the cleanliness of the house was indeed just a three hour cleaning spree before your arrival, as most of the time their living conditions could be likened to squalor. Or that even at their age, and their years having previously lived with a woman, they still leave the toilet seat up. That the household bills are ignored until the letters arrive with red ink splattered across the page.

Because while that beautiful time of keeping the day to day away from your romance, in the end, those things make a difference. And the older you get, the less room for change and adaptability there is on both ends. Perhaps you can pinpoint their selfish nature back to so many events of their lives, but the reality is, unless they openly seek to better themselves, this is never going to change. Those historical events don’t disappear.

Which is why I said ‘as I’m told’ when it comes to the traditional idea of dating. I jump headlong into things. I want to have an idea of what I’m in for as soon as I can. And at my age, anything I become involved in is with an eye on the long term.

I say long term because I think I’ve become sceptical enough to not say forever, even though that could always eventuate. There is an average of two marriages in my immediate family, some more, some less. Only two are still going, one nearing four decades, the other nearing four months.

We like to love. We like to give ourselves wholeheartedly. It’s a blessing and a curse. I don’t believe in regret, no matter how much pain I may end up in, or worse yet, the pain I can cause to others. Because although I just spoke of the selfish nature some show in their relationships, there is a need for some selfishness, and that simply, is to be happy.

Life is too short to not be happy.

And that’s why this Valentine’s Day, and in fact every day, it is most important to love yourself first and foremost. Learning to be comfortable in your own skin, in your own heart, in your own thoughts.

When, or if, we ever then meet someone, we can be strong within ourselves, know who we truly are, and let them see that side of us. Maybe we’ll even think about how much do we care if bills are paid late or the toilet seat is left up, because in the end, does that really matter?

A rhetorical question? No. In the end, it shouldn’t matter. Because if we can love ourselves first, then we will have love to shroud another in, should we want.

This Valentine’s Day, I’m going to spend it alone, with the one I love.

And probably a pizza. And that horror movie the ex always refused to watch.

Top 12 Valentine Adult Gift Ideas!

What are your top picks for Valentines Day?  These are mine!
1. SINGLE GUY
Tenga Flip Zero – Vibrating. Once he’s stuck his fingers in this bad boy. His finger is hooked, and so will he. Don’t forget to squeeze down for that suction. It’s a great toy for most lads – but if theyre horse hung (girth) he’s going to struggle.
2. SINGLE GIRL
Womanizer – Been selling these things like crazy. Great for those that are looking for that something a wee bit different. Other wise rabbits will take care of everything for them. Particularly bi stronic fusion, dual stimulation, thrusting and power. Lady Bi if they don’t care much for the thrusting.
3. COUPLE
We-vibe kit. Any Kit. get the best of everything is a single kit. You want the we-vibe for weekends and the tango for weekdays? You got it. Want the we-vibe for partnered play and the premium womanizer for when you’re home alone. We have you covered.
4.BDSM
Wartenberg Wheels (They’re coming soon). One of my favourites, great intro toy. Great for sense play, just all round great toy. I’m also a huge fan of bondage kits. Everything matches – which is a bonus. Lastly. A wand. Must have a wand. Le Wand, Palm Power, doxy. Get them a wand to go with every single other toy.
5. GAY GUY
Is it for his partner? Is it for him? Not all gay guys like anal play. So work out if it’s for his dick or for his ass. Prostate toys for those that like to move during play – the vibe will hit his p spot with every single thrust. Masturbator for his dick. otherwise get the poor lad some good quality anal lube.
6. BI- PERSON
Depends on their sex, whether they like anal, dick or vaginal play or all three. Refer to above written.
Strap ons are a great mix for bi guys and girls, pegging play is an understated area of play. Worth a mention whenever a heterosexual couple is looking for anal toys for him – it plants the seed in there for them.
7. TRANS PERSON
Depends on MtF or FtM. Dilators for MtF are a must have. Buck off Range for FtM.
8. CLIT
Womanizer. Tango/NU Bullet. Clitoral suction pumps. Three very different types of stimulation which will have almost everyone covered.  If they like it a bit rough and are into bdsm – get a clamp on it.
9.ANAL
Buttplugs are great for girls since it adds pressure to the vaginal walls. B Vibes have this down pat, especially the rimming which will do something very few anal toys do. For prostate i love the classic Bootie by fun factory. Great beginners toy, moves with your thrusting and applies it where you want, when you want every single time.
10. INSERTION
I can’t go past the tiger G5. Those ribbings. That curve. That bend. That power. Come here tiger, let’s play. Great length, great for friction movement and did i mention that power?
11. LONG DISTANCE
Kiiroo set. Sure the we-vibe is great and all but teledildonics are just amazing. You can feel the masturbator move with the specially placed sensors in the g spot vibrator.
12. PROSTATE
Bootie. B Vibes. Steel Butt Plugs – the underrated stars of anal play. Less friction, easy to clean, won’t break and super fun with sensory play.
13. LUBE
Superslyde for everyday penetration, Pjur Original for those that need a little more viscosity, and JO premium (black) for heavy duty play. Surgical lube for sounding, and J-Lube for fisting. Intimate Earth Waterbased for sensitive skin.
14. MASSAGE
Superslyde. Mix it with your own sensual oils so that you’re not committed to a single scent every single time. Else wildfire black which is highly concentrated, great for muscles and just pretty damn awesome for intimate play.
Valentines Sex Toys
15. PROLONGING
Viga, Super dooz hands down. Stud 100 if we have it in

Are You A CRYMaxer?

I once was having sex against a wall, this was not love making this was hard and rough sex. I wasn’t even facing the person. Afterwards, I pulled up my underwear and next thing I felt a wave of sadness flood my body and I became hysterical. He asked me if I had been hurt during sex, I couldn’t even pull myself together to answer him. I simply shook my head and sobbed.

This was had never happened to me before, I have never cried during or after sex. There was that one time I sustained a really bad sex injury and cried. However, this was different, I wasn’t hurt. I wasn’t sad before we started having sex, why was I crying? I assure you, it was nothing he had done, and he actually made me cum really hard. This morning on Facebook I read an opinion piece on after sex criers and I was compelled to start researching this further.

Before starting this blog, I asked some of my co-workers if they had ever cried after sex and I was shocked to find out that many of them said yes. Some were frequent criers after sex.

Some sex sessions are so good they make people cry due to the rush of oxytocin that floods the brain causing happy tears. There is a lot going on in your brain during an orgasm, it’s hard to pinpoint the exact reason you may start crying after sex. It could be that your tense muscles are now relaxing, your heart rate has dramatically decreased, your breathing has slowed, and you’re being flooded with chemicals. However, researchers have discovered the phenomenon “post-coital dysphoria.” It can involve bursting into tears or just feeling depressed or anxious after sex. Approximately 45% of young women have experienced PCD, which is a lot of women crying after sex. The research team also surveyed more than 1,200 men with an online questionnaire and found that almost as many men (41%) have experienced PCD at some point.

What causes PCD and how to prevent crymaxing!

Sex is an emotional act, even if you don’t have an emotional connection to the person you’re fucking. Sex makes you vulnerable, you’re stripped back, raw, exposed, you’re not in control for that period of time. This is bound to unbalance your emotions, even for a short period of time. Emotions are often exacerbated by stress if you’re trying to avoid crying after sex try lowering your stress levels in your life.

Unsettling feelings towards the person you’re having sex with may also cause tears. This, unfortunately, is truer in women than it is in men as women release high levels of oxytocin, the cuddle chemical. This chemical facilitates feelings of attachment and bonding which can be highly problematic for those seeking casual hook-ups. If you’re experiencing PCD while in a long-term relationship it may be highlighting your unhappiness towards your significant other or the sadness in the relationship. Either way, your tears are suggestive that you’re not feeling secure in your situation. If you have a partner or FWB you should definitely be talking with them about your feelings as they may be able to provide you with the comfort that you’re looking for.

Alternatively, sometimes you may be feeling so in love, so close to someone that you’re unable to process these feelings. You’ve maybe fallen in love and never said the words before and yet felt so close to saying it mid-sex. Crying may also be indicative that you’ve moved on too quickly and you’re missing or longing for someone who isn’t the person you’re having sex with.

Simple exhaustion may also aggravate your emotional state, make sure you’re getting enough rest prior sex if you’re trying to avoid the after sex blues. PCD has a much darker side and may also relate back to past trauma. Survivors of sexual assault, for instance, might feel very emotional if the sexual experience reminded them of being assaulted. In the study, PCD among men was linked to childhood sexual abuse and psychological distress. People who base their self-worth on how their partner feels about them are more likely to feel weepy or depressed after sex if their partner doesn’t treat them with the closeness they were hoping for.

Let me make this very clear, there is only so much that you can do to control your PCD. For the most part, there is not a lot wrong with crying after sex and you shouldn’t be ashamed. However, if you think that it’s impacting your life negatively, perhaps a trip to the GP for a referral to a counsellor to work through some of your underlying issues. You may be crying for an underlying reason you’re not even aware of.

Remember, if someone cries after sex, don’t become angry. Be understanding and be a shoulder to lean on, they were fighting a battle you’re not aware of. Be kind to each other and happy sexing.

NB.  From Editor
The Kama Sutra says there are 3 types of female orgasm –
1. Smiling
2. Laughing
3. Crying

The Ugly Duckling Syndrome!!

What is ugly duckling syndrome?

I think this is best described in Shallow Hal the film. I’ve pulled this quote from the film, to sum up, what this condition entails.

“Ugly Duckling Syndrome, she probably didn’t get pretty until high school, thus the personality had to develop out of necessity… sometimes they’re ugly so long, when they finally turn pretty, they don’t even realize it! The ugly self-image is so well engraved, that’s a real find!” – Maurico, Shallow Hal, 2001.

For the life of me, I can’t take a compliment. Why? Because I have ugly duckling syndrome and it affects my ability to find love. My mother has always told me how beautiful I am but of course, I think she is biased. Retrospectively speaking, even now writing this article, I can’t think of one of my male friends who hasn’t complimented me on my physical appearance. Some have hit on me and some of them I slept with in my youth clearly seeking the validation of being desirable. I have had strangers approach me at bars and tell me I am attractive, some of them are married men. I get random social media adds from men across the seven seas asking for nudes. Yet, I still struggle to accept compliments about my looks.

I once laid in bed with a woman, I told her that she was beautiful; she cuddled into me and said, “No, you’re beautiful but you know you’re beautiful.” This baffled me that this beautiful woman wanted to share her bed with me and thought my beauty outweighed hers. I couldn’t believe it. I left my shirt on during sex and even after when she cuddled into me, she placed her hands on my stomach, back or thighs, I’d push her away – literally. I was in complete awe of this beautiful creature who thought I was attractive enough to spend the night and I was so worried about her thinking about my body fat that I ended up making her the little spoon, so her hands wouldn’t be on my body. A study conducted in 2016 found that appearance anxiety (ANN) found that women experience this kind of thought process at a much higher rate than men. For women, AAN correlated negatively with global self-esteem and positively with shyness, social avoidance and distress, and public self-consciousness. Furthermore, the study found that individuals who had ANN had a long history of making ill remarks regarding their appearance often linking back to feeling like an ugly child. (Dion, K. L., Dion, K. K., & Keelan, J. P. (1990).

 

I recently did some modelling for my friend who is an aspiring photographer and he often tells me that I am beautiful. I will deflect this compliment every single time and tell him it’s the Photoshop, lighting or professional hair and make-up. I can hear myself deflecting the compliment, a defensive mechanism that so ingrained in me it’s become my default behaviour.  This isn’t just limited to my looks if I did well in my class – I know I could have achieved a higher mark. If I cooked an amazing dish I could have added something else to it to make it a better dish. This hypercritical behaviour is what I do to keep myself down, a negative cycle of low self-esteem. While I can appreciate when I look in the mirror that the reflection looking back at me isn’t ugly, I would never say she is beautiful and that is really sad for me to admit.

This self-hatred stems from being the fat child, the ugly child, the weird child. These things manifested into my teens and early adulthood, being the fat, weird and ugly one meant I had to learn to be funny to make friends. I had to learn to be kind to maintain relationships with these people. Learning not to depend on my looks or body meant I had to rely on my wit, humour and human compassion. As an adult woman, I can say that I am such a good friend, I’d drop anything I was doing for someone who needed my help. I selflessly put others before myself, sometimes to my own detriment. I am the most empathetic person I know, I know I am caring and compassionate. Sometimes I wish I had a clone of me so I could be friends with me. I know that clone would never let me talk about myself the way I do. It’s funny that I never let my friends talk about themselves negatively but I say the most horrific things about myself.

On a positive note, having ugly duckling syndrome has made me an avid reader, which landed me into university where I acquired my bachelor’s degree. Having ugly duckling syndrome has made me a great conversationalist, able to hold witty and funny conversations with just about anyone, a skill I treasure. Having ugly duckling syndrome has made compassionate beyond belief, kind almost to a fault. Having ugly duckling syndrome has made me humble, and while it is frustrating for you to give me a compliment and me to dismiss it. You have to remember I’ve had a lifetime of people say things to hurt me and I am not sure if you’re going to hurt me too. I’ve had people abuse my kindness and try to dampen the light inside. I push you away and reject your compliments because I think the world is a dark place, I think you don’t mean it, I think you’re making fun of me. I reject your compliments because, after more than half a lifetime of being the ugly person, I am just perplexed as to how you think I am beautiful.

Beauty

You might see a swan when you look at someone but for that someone with ugly duckling syndrome, they look in that mirror and still see that ugly duckling. They see that fat, ugly weird person and they don’t know why you think they are beautiful. So, be kind with your ugly ducklings, they are trying to see the swan that you see.