Traumatic Pain From A Loving Touch

It’s not as easy as you thought, opening up isn’t as easy as some make it out to be, and often there will be a moment you realise that. One insignificant moment that will make you pause and realise you can’t let go, worst part is you thought you were fine; you thought you were ready to let someone in again.

Personal space
Image: Personal space

Truth is you’re not. You feel abandoned; but yet you don’t want to be touched by anyone – arm’s length distance is your type of intimacy.

It only takes one small insignificant event to cause your walls to be extra bullet proof. It’s not even something most people would flinch at, but to you it throws up all the warning signs and red flags one could possibly think of.

But unlike the other times, this time you listen to your gut.

Intimacy problems
Image: I don’t like being touched

The mind’s natural instinct that protects a person from experiencing future trauma

Those who have experienced trauma in any form know the extent of cruelty humans are capable of. Your mind is a powerful tool and sometimes it’s a little too powerful because it will try to protect you from future cruelty and assumes all people are dangerous; thus shying you away from emotional intimacy and avoiding vulnerability.

Confronting intimacy issues with your partner

It’s not always easy to tell future partners that you’re not big on touching and affection, mostly they either think it’s a joke or don’t fully understand what you mean. I mean you can always avoid telling them and just constantly make up excuses as to why you won’t stand near them, and won’t let them touch you for too long or often. Eventually you need to be upfront with them and yourself about your intimacy issues, you need to tell them that:

“Hey, it’s kind of a big deal for me”

You need to respect yourself and not be in denial about how physical contact makes you feel.

Molestation
Image: Molestation

It takes all kinds of people to make this wild world go round, and it does not mean you’re weird or not normal. If you’re not big on constant touching, affection, hand holding in public, etc. Society has this stigma that unless we show public displays of affection (PDA) and we constantly want to be all over our loved ones, we do not love them. I completely understand that being told “not to touch” your loved one is hard and pretty confusing, I mean you love that person and if they can’t touch you how is the relationship going to work?

It’s hard to read someone to know if it’s ok to touch or not. It’s a daily struggle for those who are in a relationship with someone who does not like to be touched.

I tried… I tried for so long to be ok with people touching me. From light touching, from just a hug hello or a kiss on the check bye. The usual forms of light touching perceived by society as normal. Which was absolutely insane, not to mention self-destructive and completely un-helpful.

Unfortunately there are so many vary degrees of reasons why people do not like to be touched and that does not mean they do not like affection or do not want to be intimate. Whatever their particular individual story is, it doesn’t matter. It matters that as a decent human being we need to understand that not everyone is the same and likes the same things. As humans we have this amazing and unused talent to communicate with one another, but for some helpful tips these are some ways I can guide you through dating/ being affectionate with someone who does not like to be touched.

Acknowledgment

This is a huge one! Because if someone is brave enough to make themselves vulnerable, listen to them! Respect is a huge part of dealing with issues such as these and even If it isn’t something you can understand or relate to you need to be respectful.

No means no and that doesn’t just apply for sexual consent.

Communication

In this digital age communication has become easier than ever, but for some reason we don’t use it to its fullest ability. There are no hoops of fire to jump through with this one; all you need to do is ask. If you want some TLC or craving affection from your loved one all you need to do is ask! It’s that easy, the worst answer you are going to get is a no, but as the relationship grows you soon will be able to pick up on small quirks, moods, and body language and you won’t have to ask permission as often you will just know.

Respect

There will always ne boundaries and basically the easiest thing you can do is to respect them, take your parent seriously the more respect you give the smaller the walls will get regarding to personal space.

Build trust

Most people in my situation grow with trust, as our partners respect us and understand our boundaries the more we let them in. the time periods vary but the more trust and confidence I have with my partner the more normal our intimate relationship is, and the more soft touch I am able to stand. After some time when I trust someone wholly my anxiety begins to subside and every touch be it a soft touch or intimate touch doesn’t emotionally drain me anymore. It more than often becomes something I enjoy and welcome to its fullest capacity but still within those respective boundaries.

The main thing I cannot stress enough is patience is key!

Normally when I date my rules and boundaries about touching eventually stops applying to my significant other in most situations. But at the end of the day I am still me, I am someone who values and is sensitive to personal space, I know it can be frustrating for others but I have learnt that even though it is not normal for most I need to admit I have trust and space issues and at the end of the day my needs come first. This is a part of being human we all have our little quirks, public displays of affection can be emotionally exhausting doesn’t mean I don’t love you, I just have to realise and be mindful of my limits, at the end of the day if not holding my hand in public means my partner can cuddle up to me on the lounge at home I know which I would sacrifice.

Pick and choose your battles.

Don’t ever give up on yourself, never feel ashamed and never let anyone make you feel ashamed, everyone has boundaries but if your anything like me they are just a little bigger than others.

Morgan x

Author: Morgan is a consultant from Oh Zone Adult Lifestyle Centres

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Although relatively young Morgan has lived a life filled with experiences that have made her grow as a person. She has completed and is a product and interior designer who is a strong believer in equality between sexes and speaks out against violence. Working in the adult industry has allowed her to grow as a person and come out of her emotional and sexual shell.

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