Rewiring Our Brains Out of Intimacy Issues

Sex Hypnotherapy

Jerry arrived to our first sex hypnosis session looking sheepish and a bit unsure.

I ask him how he found me. “My buddy Tyson said you fixed his ED,” he said.

“We did.” I say. Jerry waits, not sure what to say next. So I help him out, asking, “What is it you’re looking for?”

Like many of us who seek help for sex-related issues, Jerry was a little uncomfortable. He told me he was looking to grow in size. His erections had been on the small side as long as he could remember.

“Now I’ve found a girl,” he says, his face lighting up. “And I wanna be bigger before we – you know.”

I nod. It’s one of the many sex issues I work with as a hypnotist. Clients come to me for many issues, but ED and enlargement are perhaps the most common.

Then Jerry asks me how it works. Like others, he wants to know if hypnosis is mind-control, or if it’s just a placebo, or if there’s any science to back it up.

It’s a common part of working with a client for the first time. Our society still has so many misconceptions about what hypnosis can do for a person. Read on to find out the truth about hypnosis for sexual healing.

Hypnosis is so much more than just a comedy routine. It’s been backed up by over 150 years of scientific study. It’s used every day to treat issues like anxiety, limiting beliefs, and yes, even intimacy issues.

So let’s break down the myths behind hypnosis for sexuality, because we all deserve the best sex life we can have.

 

 

Myth #1: Hypnosis is Mind-Control.

Forget what you think you know about hypnosis as mind control. We’ve all seen images of Cold-War agents hypnotizing people into becoming trained killers. Hypnosis, by its nature, cannot be mind control. Here’s why:

Hypnosis is a state of trance that the subject themselves creates.

Let me say that again:

The person in hypnosis creates their own hypnosis.

Hypnosis isn’t something a hypnotist DOES to someone else. Hypnosis is a state of mind that a person creates themselves. A hypnotist simply uses proven language patterns to help them get there.

Hypnosis, in many ways, is like guided meditation. Most guided meditations are in fact (unintentional) hypnosis sessions. Even the modern mindfulness movement is linked to hypnosis (https://www.psychotherapynetworker.org/blog/details/1138/what-mindfulness-and-hypnosis-have-in-common).

Like a guided meditation teacher, a hypnotist’s job is simply to use language patterns to help their clients create deep trance. Hypnosis isn’t something I do to people – it’s a state I help them access.

When someone comes to see me for intimacy issues, I’m not mind-controlling them into a better sex life. I’m getting them to a deep state where the change is easy to make, and them I’m using tools from psychology and neuroscience to help them make the change.

Like in meditation, hypnosis is all about reaching a deep level of trance. But where meditation focuses on calm and awareness, hypnosis lets people build in beneficial suggestions during that highly suggestible state.

But just because they’re suggestible, doesn’t mean they’re in danger.

Remember, the sole purpose of your unconscious mind is to keep you safe. By unconscious, I simply mean the parts of your brain you don’t consciously think about. Your unconscious regulates so much of your body, from your liver enzymes, your heart synchronizations, and yes, even your sexual response.

If your unconscious hears any suggestion during hypnosis that it disagrees with, it will wake you up. It’s working to protect you in that moment.

This is why I work with my clients before we go into hypnosis to phrase their goals in their own words. All the suggestions I give are suggestions that we have both agreed upon. Your brain won’t accept anything else.

And that’s the beauty of it. When you come to see me for sexual issues, I’m not forcing my idea of healthy sexuality on you. We work together before the session to craft the exact suggestions to give you your desired result.

 

Myth #2: Science has debunked hypnosis.

Time and time again, science has backed up hypnosis, and it’s time we bring it into the light. Since the 1800’s, science has actually recommended hypnosis as an effective treatment modality.

In 1892, the British Medical Association officially approved hypnosis as a treatment (https://web.wellness-institute.org/blog/does-hypnotherapy-work-the-american-medical-association-and-more-say-yes), saying it was, “effective in relieving pain, procuring sleep, and alleviating many functional ailments.”

The BMA reviewed this study in 1955 and concurred with their assesment.

The American Medical Association did the same in 1957, approving hypnosis as a treatment modality. And in 1961, the AMA’s Council on Mental Health went further, recommending all doctors and medical students undergo at least 144 hours of hypnotherapy training (https://www.rebhp.org/articles/Hypnosis-Medical-Scientific-Article.pdf).

From the American Dental Association to the British Psychological Society, and from the American Psychological Association to the National Cancer Institute, hypnosis has been a proven part of our medical establishment.

So, the question everyone asks: Will hypnosis make me a sex god?

Depends on how far you want to go.

Hypnosis is an incredible tool for changing our sexual lives. From increasing penis and breast size to overcoming impotency, from releasing frigidity to improving the quality of your orgasms, hypnosis is an exceptional tool for sexual healing. When you’re ready to make that change, consider hypnosis. It’s one of the fastest ways our bodies achieve sexual freedom.

 

 

Myth #3: Seeing a hypnotist for sexuality is dangerous.

Just like doctors, hypnotists are bound by HIPAA law. Anything you share with us during your session is covered by confidentiality.

People have this idea of hypnotists as watch-swinging creeps. They think that going to a hypnotist for sexual issues will put them at risk of something terrible.

We’ve already broken down that myth of mind control. Hypnosis is simply a tool to help people achieve rapid results. My clients feel comfortable going to urologists and acupuncturists – they’re real, everyday people. Hypnotists are the same.

In reality, hypnotists are simply everyday professionals. Some are licensed therapists. Others are dentists, doctors, and psychologists. Some, like myself, work with sexual issues to help improve people’s lives.

My clients are sometimes surprised by how normal I am. They log on for our online sessions, and they’re surprised to see me in my professional attire. It’s like part of them expected me to be shirtless, wearing a black vest and top hat.

Hypnosis isn’t a side gimmick. It’s a treatment modality that thousands rely on every year.

What many people don’t realize is that hypnotists are everywhere. Many hypnotists, like myself, prefer to see clients online. There are many benefits from this kind of practice. People can enjoy hypnosis from the comfort of their own home. Those in rural areas can access hypnosis without driving hours for a session. This flexibility helps people benefit from hypnosis across the globe.

This is the reason I see clients completely online. When I discovered just how effective hypnosis was for helping people change, I knew I had to share it with the world. Going online helps me reach people wherever they’re at. And now, this is what I do. I help people overcome sexual issues to get the most out of their life.

 

Now that we’ve covered what hypnosis isn’t, let’s talk about what my clients have achieved with it.

As I said, I see many men for issues around impotency. ED might seem like an embarassing issue, but it doesn’t have to be. I’ve used hypnosis in my own life to overcome my own issues around getting hard. Having ED is simply a hurdle to overcome, and it’s one that hypnosis has helped with time and time again.

Many men also ask about penis enlargement. There are ads for growth pills everywhere, but there’s very little research that any of these actually do anything. Hypnosis, on the other hand, has a long history of penis growth. Some might say that’s impossible. I’d point them to the dozens of men whom I’ve helped to achieve bigger results in the bedroom. I also tell them, if hypnosis can help cure cancer, why on earth wouldn’t it be able to make your dick bigger?

Sex hypnosis isn’t just limited to the guys, though. Women often come in for breast or buttocks enlargement. Everyone wants to look sexy, and hypnosis is an incredibly easy way to do it.

I also see women who want to overcome fears they’ve had of intimacy in the past. Hypnosis is excellent for this. Even outside of sexuality, hypnosis is often used to change past memories and build in new resources. By changing memories of past sexual encounters, we’re able to break up that mental block to give them sexual freedom.

Sexual hypnosis isn’t just limited to the gender binary, either. The LGBTQ+ community often sees the greatest results from sexual hypnosis. Some come to see me to change the hormones their body naturally creates. Some come because they want their body to grow in places they’re not biologically wired for. Some simply work with me because they want to be comfortable in their own skin.

Whatever the case, hypnosis is a powerful treatment modality that shouldn’t be overlooked for sexual issues. It’s effective, affordable, and simple to do.

That’s the truth that Jerry came to discover. I got a message from him a few weeks after our session. He’d been measuring himself in the bathroom every night, and in just a few weeks, he was already a full inch longer.

“My girlfriend’s been enjoying it too,” he wrote. I can only imagine his sly grin.

Hypnosis doesn’t just have to be a comedy show or sex kink. It’s a science-backed tool to make powerful breakthroughs in our lives. If you’ve tried everything else, and you’re still searching for a solution, consider hypnosis. There’s nothing quite like it for making rapid sexual change. When you’re truly ready to step into an awesome sex life, hypnosis can help you get there. So the question becomes – what’s stopping you from achieving your best sex life with hypnosis?

 

With many years as a consulting hypnotherapist and over a decade of being an educator Doug Sands is the Consulting Hypnotist at Anywhere Hypnosis

Traumatic Pain From A Loving Touch

Intimacy problems

It’s not as easy as you thought, opening up isn’t as easy as some make it out to be, and often there will be a moment you realise that. One insignificant moment that will make you pause and realise you can’t let go, worst part is you thought you were fine; you thought you were ready to let someone in again.

Image: Personal space

Truth is you’re not. You feel abandoned; but yet you don’t want to be touched by anyone – arm’s length distance is your type of intimacy.

It only takes one small insignificant event to cause your walls to be extra bullet proof. It’s not even something most people would flinch at, but to you it throws up all the warning signs and red flags one could possibly think of.

But unlike the other times, this time you listen to your gut.

Image: I don’t like being touched

The mind’s natural instinct that protects a person from experiencing future trauma

Those who have experienced trauma in any form know the extent of cruelty humans are capable of. Your mind is a powerful tool and sometimes it’s a little too powerful because it will try to protect you from future cruelty and assumes all people are dangerous; thus shying you away from emotional intimacy and avoiding vulnerability.

Confronting intimacy issues with your partner

It’s not always easy to tell future partners that you’re not big on touching and affection, mostly they either think it’s a joke or don’t fully understand what you mean. I mean you can always avoid telling them and just constantly make up excuses as to why you won’t stand near them, and won’t let them touch you for too long or often. Eventually you need to be upfront with them and yourself about your intimacy issues, you need to tell them that:

“Hey, it’s kind of a big deal for me”

You need to respect yourself and not be in denial about how physical contact makes you feel.

Image: Molestation

It takes all kinds of people to make this wild world go round, and it does not mean you’re weird or not normal. If you’re not big on constant touching, affection, hand holding in public, etc. Society has this stigma that unless we show public displays of affection (PDA) and we constantly want to be all over our loved ones, we do not love them. I completely understand that being told “not to touch” your loved one is hard and pretty confusing, I mean you love that person and if they can’t touch you how is the relationship going to work?

It’s hard to read someone to know if it’s ok to touch or not. It’s a daily struggle for those who are in a relationship with someone who does not like to be touched.

I tried… I tried for so long to be ok with people touching me. From light touching, from just a hug hello or a kiss on the check bye. The usual forms of light touching perceived by society as normal. Which was absolutely insane, not to mention self-destructive and completely un-helpful.

Unfortunately there are so many vary degrees of reasons why people do not like to be touched and that does not mean they do not like affection or do not want to be intimate. Whatever their particular individual story is, it doesn’t matter. It matters that as a decent human being we need to understand that not everyone is the same and likes the same things. As humans we have this amazing and unused talent to communicate with one another, but for some helpful tips these are some ways I can guide you through dating/ being affectionate with someone who does not like to be touched.

Acknowledgment

This is a huge one! Because if someone is brave enough to make themselves vulnerable, listen to them! Respect is a huge part of dealing with issues such as these and even If it isn’t something you can understand or relate to you need to be respectful.

No means no and that doesn’t just apply for sexual consent.

Communication

In this digital age communication has become easier than ever, but for some reason we don’t use it to its fullest ability. There are no hoops of fire to jump through with this one; all you need to do is ask. If you want some TLC or craving affection from your loved one all you need to do is ask! It’s that easy, the worst answer you are going to get is a no, but as the relationship grows you soon will be able to pick up on small quirks, moods, and body language and you won’t have to ask permission as often you will just know.

Respect

There will always ne boundaries and basically the easiest thing you can do is to respect them, take your parent seriously the more respect you give the smaller the walls will get regarding to personal space.

Build trust

Most people in my situation grow with trust, as our partners respect us and understand our boundaries the more we let them in. the time periods vary but the more trust and confidence I have with my partner the more normal our intimate relationship is, and the more soft touch I am able to stand. After some time when I trust someone wholly my anxiety begins to subside and every touch be it a soft touch or intimate touch doesn’t emotionally drain me anymore. It more than often becomes something I enjoy and welcome to its fullest capacity but still within those respective boundaries.

The main thing I cannot stress enough is patience is key!

Normally when I date my rules and boundaries about touching eventually stops applying to my significant other in most situations. But at the end of the day I am still me, I am someone who values and is sensitive to personal space, I know it can be frustrating for others but I have learnt that even though it is not normal for most I need to admit I have trust and space issues and at the end of the day my needs come first. This is a part of being human we all have our little quirks, public displays of affection can be emotionally exhausting doesn’t mean I don’t love you, I just have to realise and be mindful of my limits, at the end of the day if not holding my hand in public means my partner can cuddle up to me on the lounge at home I know which I would sacrifice.

Pick and choose your battles.

Don’t ever give up on yourself, never feel ashamed and never let anyone make you feel ashamed, everyone has boundaries but if your anything like me they are just a little bigger than others.

Morgan x

Author: Morgan is a consultant from Oh Zone Adult Lifestyle Centres

How Adoption Shaped My Intimate Relationships

Adoption in Korea

The older I get, the more I realise that we all have individual issues that affect our ability to meaningfully connect with others.  For me, however, I find that the emotional issues that are tied to my adoption and growing up in a regional area where I didn’t fit in are the most prominent.

Before we begin, let me shed some light on my background. I was conceived and born in Seoul, South Korea, during a short relationship that had ended by the time my birth mother realised that she was pregnant. The reality of this situation was in the mid 1980’s, as it still is today, unacceptable to have a child out of wedlock, especially if that child was a girl. So, my birth mother did the only thing that she could do and put me up for adoption.

I was one of the lucky babies to be adopted from birth. My adopted family came to collect me from my foster parents when I was 4 months old, so they are the only family that I have ever known. I had an amazing childhood, growing up on the NSW Mid North Coast right on the beach. Having the freedom to safely ride my bike on the streets, head down to the beach for a swim and walk to a friend’s place or the park.

It wasn’t until my sisters were born (biological children conceived through IVF) and certain (extended) family members now treated me differently because my parents now had their ‘own’ children and I started to realise that I was different. After the initial shock (at the age of 2 ½ – 3) it just became the new normal, that is until we were all in primary school and people were in disbelief that my sisters and I were siblings.

That was when I started really thinking about my background and the circumstances behind my adoption. With this came the questions and the feelings of shame and guilt that seem to be synonymous with adoption.

It seemed to overtake my thoughts and seeded (what I realise now are) irrational thoughts such as:

“If my mother didn’t want me, no one ever will”

“I’m only worth as much as someone wants to pay for me”

“If my mother loved me so much and she walked away, that’s what everyone else will do”

… Irrational, I know.

As an Asian in a family full of model-like Danish blondes, I was constantly reminded that I really didn’t fit in and the taunting from my peers and older kids about not being the same and that my mother just threw me away, shaped the way that I viewed myself. Ingraining that belief that I would never be loved unless I looked a certain way, that was if anyone wanted me in the first place.

From what I have read of other international adoptee’s blogs and articles, it seems that I am not alone in my feelings of not quite belonging. Feeling like you need try twice as hard as anyone else to fit in.

Despite the affection given to me by my family throughout my life, I have always found it difficult to express and verbalise love. Being that one person who awkwardly hugs someone and then quickly pulls away, or the girlfriend that says, “me too” when their partner says, “I love you”.

I was also the person who leaves when it starts to get tough. The person who just shuts down and doesn’t know how to tell their partner what the issues are in case they decide to leave first. The idea of being abandoned again, to me was more confronting and stressful than just taking on all the emotional baggage and just walking away.

That feeling of worthlessness, I have now learnt, was the driving factor behind why I stayed in all 3 of my long-term relationships well past their use by date and why having friends with benefits worked better for me. Allowing me to keep people at arm’s-length emotionally. I feel as though it somehow helped to keep my fragile self-worth intact.

The types of people I was attracted to

It was also something that I had discussed at length with my councillor when I was younger, and up until recently, I didn’t understand how my adoption really did affect the type of people I formed relationships with.

Quote about self discovery
Image: Self discovery

But since the end of my last relationship, I have been on a life changing journey of self-discovery. I have realised that my ‘type’ seemed to be emotionally insecure men that had never really (emotionally) made it past puberty or their early 20’s. I somehow thought that by mothering these men, they would never want to leave me because they didn’t have the capacity to be on their own. Not really a healthy reason to start or continue a relationship. What I have come to understand is that these men, because of their inability to think for themselves or accept responsibility for their actions or how their words and actions effected the relationship.

How I am overcoming my emotional insecurity

For me, the turning point that took me from seeking acceptance from others in a relationship to being accepting of my own flaws and being worthy of having someone want me despite those flaws, was when I met a man that I had an immediate emotional connection with. He was the first person that I didn’t feel the need to try to impress with how much of myself I was willing to give up or hide. It has been such a liberating experience.

That connection has also allowed me to further explore my sexuality. It’s amazing how feeling safe and not judged allows me to pull down my walls that I have built and hand over the control of my emotions that I have held on to, that kept me locked in my little emotional bubble. It has also shown me that I don’t need to just settle for anyone that will pay attention to me, that I am worth more than that. The process has helped me understand what impacts my sexuality too.

Author: Mia is a consultant from Oh Zone Adult Lifestyle Centres

Dr. Stacy, My Husband Won’t Speak About Our Intimacy Issues!

Sexless marriage

This month Adultsmart’s clinical sexologist and certified sex coach Dr. Stacy Friedman has answered three questions which were anonymously sent in to askasexologist@gmail.com. Be sure to read them, who knows she may have answered one of yours!

Question

My relationship with my husband has gone cold.  There is little intimacy and our bedroom is all but dead.  Our kids are now older and our discussions regularly turn into arguments.  I have seen a counselor but when I suggested he see one or we see one together he says we don’t need too.  How do I get him to see that things are not that good and we need help?

Dr. Stacy Friedmans Answer

I am sorry to hear things are not so good on the home front and it’s unfortunate that you don’t seem to have a partner that understands the urgency of the situation.  I try to tell people that if you have a partner asking for help or to get help, it is usually a dire situation that can go downhill fast if not taken care of. If your partner isn’t willing to do anything for the marriage and you have expressed concern and desire to seek help, there isn’t much you can do other than work on personal growth and start weighing your options of what you want for your future, to stay and do nothing or go.  I would ask him why he doesn’t feel that you need to see a counselor, what scares him about going, what does he think is going to happen if  you go as well as what could be the worst and best scenario if he did decide to go.  If he still says he doesn’t want to go then try to have a conversation with him and ask him if he is happy with the way the relationship is and if he says no, see what his suggestions are to work on things.  Maybe if he sees you are open to listening to him, he will make some suggestions that could be helpful.

What about getting away together for a weekend where it is just the two of you and you have an opportunity to connect and talk?  Are you having any intimacy or sex?  If not, ask him if he wants to improve that, see if he thinks that could be better.  If so, you need to try to work on things together to make it happen.  There are many people that don’t believe in therapy or counseling and for some people it doesn’t work because many times they have waited too long and there is no turning back. Sometimes it makes a huge impact and saves a marriage but also, people may be afraid that by going to therapy they may eventually have to make a decision on their future and it is scary so people would rather just ignore and not go.  Find out what his fears are and then find out what his future goals are and if he wants you to be a part of it, he needs to tend to your fears and goals to make the marriage work.

Question

I come from a large immediate and extended family but to my knowledge not one of them is LGBTQIA+ nor do any of them hang out or have friends that are gay or queer.  I am 21 and know in myself that I am homosexual but have not come out.  It is like a big, dirty secret that hangs over my head as I feel that my family will not accept me if I do come out.  A couple of times I have gone out by myself to some gay bar I know about but as soon as anyone approached me I felt revulsion about the whole gay thing and rushed home. It is overwhelming and sometimes I feel incredibly sad and frustrated. What should I do?

Coming out as gay
Image: Coming out

Dr. Stacy Friedman’s Answer

It is a completely normal to feel confusion, frustration and potential revulsion because it is something that is still taboo in society and can make you question who you are and what you believe.  Since you aren’t accepting of yourself, you see the disgust that others may see in your own eyes but that isn’t reality.  Loving someone for who they are is a beautiful thing once accepting that within yourself. In order to be comfortable coming out to others, you need to first be comfortable in yourself and the understanding that you are perfect the way you are and that there is nothing wrong with being gay.  You are attracted to whom you are attracted to and that is nothing that you can change.

What makes you think they wouldn’t be accepting of you?  Do they not believe in the LGBTQIA+ population? Have they said things offensive? Are you close to at least one of your parents that you can have a talk with? What about another trusted adult or maybe a therapist near you that can help? I do Skype calls for people that aren’t local and I would be happy to help you get the confidence you need to be who you are, as that is one of my specialties so let me know if you want to make an appointment.  In the meantime, surround yourself with others that are gay, support groups, maybe a local place that has resources.  That way you aren’t in an environment where it may be more “sexual” such as a club so you can get to the point of acceptance and self-love and then be able to move forward.  You need to have support and you shouldn’t have to lie to get it so maybe slowly breach the subject to your family by bringing up someone else in the media to gage what they think about the LGBTQIA+ population and go from there.  I am here of you wanted to make an appointment for extra support.  You shouldn’t have to go through this alone.