People pleaser, doormat, martyr, try hard, servant. I’m sure that you are familiar with these kinds of people. You may in fact resonate with these terms yourself. Whether it’s in our social circles, intimate relationships or in the workplace, people pleasing is rampant. Being on the receiving end of someone who likes to please does not seem like a bad thing. We get what we want from them so it must be ok right? The truth is, people who lack the ability to say no and do things for other people despite their own desires are not doing so from an authentic and genuine place. Being a “recovering” people pleaser, I know what it’s like all too well.
The intentions of people pleasers seem to be kind.
You ask for something and they do it for you, how lovely of them! However, if you dig a little deeper you will probably see that they resent you for the fact that they said yes to something that they were a no to. I don’t know about you but the thought of someone out there doing something for me and holding a grudge makes me cringe a little.
People pleasers can be extremely insecure people who constantly seek for external validation to feel complete. Fears of being rejected, abandoned and disliked can keep people pleasers in a cycle of going against their own desires for another’s approval. People pleasers can operate from a belief that they are being kind to others when, often, they are just terrified of rejection and confrontation.
By this stage, you may have either identified yourself as a people pleaser or know of someone in your life who fits the profile. Having awareness of your actions & behaviour and that of others is a great place to be because it is from here that you can bring about positive changes in your life. The biggest change I highly encourage people pleasers to make is to
LEARN HOW TO COMMUNICATE YOUR BOUNDARIES.
Boundaries have a bad rap in some circles, with some people seeing them as blockages or barricades to true connection. Where I am from, this could not be further from the truth, with healthy boundaries ultimately leading to greater connection and love. Boundaries allow us to create a sense of safety for ourselves as we go about our lives. They are the ultimate in self-love and self-care.
Boundaries lead to connection with other people that is based on trust and authenticity. I can trust someone’s yes so much more when I know that they can say no to me. When I ask something of someone who has great boundaries, I can rest easy in the knowing that they are doing so from a place of desiring to and not because they are trying to please me.
One big myth about boundaries that I mentioned above is that they disconnect us from others. I love how Brene Brown says that the most compassionate people she has ever interviewed have been the “absolutely most boundaries.” Boundaries allow us to really connect with others and show absolute compassion for them knowing that we can identify what is and isn’t ok for us if & when it occurs.
Boundaries don’t make you an un-loveable human being, quite the opposite in fact. Having healthy boundaries is self-respect and this leads to respectful treatment from others. When you are surrounded by people who respect you, you will feel loved whole heartedly-quite opposite from the “love” you receive from disrespectful people.
Communicating boundaries applies to all areas of our lives. Whether that be at work, school, at the pub on a Friday night, or at a sex party on a Monday, they are necessary to hold at all times.
All kinds of people will come and go in your life. From friends to intimate partners, we will encounter all many along our life journey. The only constant throughout our whole life is ourselves’. When people voice their fears around speaking their boundaries, I ask them if 10 years from now, they believe they will be thinking about that person that left them because they stood up for what is and isn’t ok with them? Or will they instead be so proud of the confident, self-loving and self-assured person they have turned into who attracts people who love and respect them whole heartedly? I think you can guess the answer to that one…
If you are a people pleaser desiring for greater self-love or just someone who lacks boundaries, I highly recommend seeking out support to rediscover your ability to communicate boundaries. Your future self will thank you for it I guarantee! There are countless courses, coaches and therapists out there which can support you stepping into your ultimate power as a human being.
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