Kinky Sex And The Art Of Pleasure

Sex is fun. It’s exciting and it’s an expression of intimacy between couples. As we enter into an age where we view sex as pleasure as opposed to just being about reproduction, the boundaries of sex, intimacy and pleasure are being continually expanded.

This is why kink sex, or sex that has previously been viewed as outside the norm is sky rocketing into people’s bedrooms and sexual lifestyles. We’ve seen the impact of Fifty Shades of Grey, and we’ve seen it embraced by people around the world. We’re becoming far more comfortable with both ourselves and the idea of pleasure. We’re becoming more open about the fluidity of sex and sexuality, and we are becoming more in tune with the ideas of pleasure.

Kink sex is amazing. It’s wondrous and it’s a ball of fun. The issue is that the idea of kink sex is so diverse, people hear the word kink and because it is often used as a negative term, they become distant. They become nervous and they become a little confused. They might wonder why a partner needs kink in the bedroom, they might become disheartened that they’re not enough and therefore take it personally, or they might have a predisposed idea of what kink is. Which isn’t the kink that you are considering bringing into the bedroom with your lover. It’s one thing to discuss handcuffs, it’s another thing to say that you’d like them to control you sexually while you are role playing a completely different character and personality than what you normally are.

Kinky play can involve anything that’s outside the standard missionary position, it can involve the use of toys, it can involve bringing in other people, or it can simply be a way of exploring ourselves and our own idea of pleasure.

Kink Sex Positively Impacts Relationships

The studies have indicated that kink sex and BDSM has a positive impact on relationships, and our own understanding. Why? Well in order to engage in such activities we have to negotiate, and understand what we like and what we dislike. This, inevitably, leads us to communicating with our partner. In this way the idea of kink sex forces us to sit down and acknowledge our pleasurable likes and dislikes with ourselves, and our partners. To come out and say, I like being tied up is both a liberating experience, as well as placing us in a vulnerable position.

Not everyone likes particular kinks and it therefore becomes a minefield as we navigate our pleasurable activities and sexual interests with our loved ones. I’ve discussed kink, and in particular BDSM extensively in the past. For the most part, the idea of using Kink and BDSM products as well as sexual skill sets comes down to a few core values within trust, vulnerability, power exchanges and role playing.

Discuss Your Interests With Your Lover

When you tell your partner that you’d like to be tied up and engage in some intimate activities, you’re revealing something about yourself that they may not have known. They might be turned on by the idea, or they might be confused because it is different. The thing is, that it is necessary to discuss your interests with your partner. Failing to do so, will potentially mean that you become disinterested in sexual activity, it might lead you to becoming sexually unhappy as you deny your idea of pleasure to yourself, but most of all it means that you’re not being completely honest with yourself and with your partner. Yes, there are some kinks that are deal breakers, and one shouldn’t expect that you tell your partner what you’re interested in on a Sunday night and on Monday night you find your partner dressed up in a latex suit holding a whip ready to have their way with you. Kink play is about navigating, it’s about slowly building up to things, but most of all it’s about finding common ground and it’s about failing.

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I mentioned earlier that the idea of kink is very diverse, and what you see in pornography, or in such popular fiction such as Fifty Shades of Grey, might not work for you and your partner. The trying something new bit, and then failing doesn’t mean that you should just give up on exploring a new activity, what it should do is open up a discussion as to what you liked, what worked and what didn’t work and how to best navigate that in future activities. Study after study indicates that kink minded couples have better communication than other couples, they enjoy a closer and shared intimacy because they better understand each other through their communication. With that in mind, if you’re interested in kink or BDSM here’s some tips on how to introduce that to your loved one.

Have a conversation with your partner. This needs to be done in a non-aggressive way, such as I saw this person being tied up in a film the other week and I thought that was pretty hot, what do you think about that? Bringing something up in such a way means that there is no pressure being placed on your partner, and it opens up a discussion.

Prepare Yourself For Positive and Negative Responses

In this way, you need to prepare yourself for both positive and negative responses. If it’s a positive response then it’s absolutely perfect, you can navigate how best to incorporate it into your sexual activity over time. If it’s negative, then don’t be disappointed. Disappointment can be an emotional guilt trip for a partner if they feel that they aren’t pleasing you. Leave it for a little while and bring it up again later.

If the response is positive, then there’s no need to rush out and get the gear that’s associated with your particular kink that you’d like to explore. Give it some time, discuss it with your partner and then slowly build up to it. If you’d like to be tied up, then you might want to look at buying a simple pair of novelty handcuffs before you go the full hog and buy a stylish black leather cuff set.

In this way, you need to prepare yourself for both positive and negative responses. If it’s a positive response then it’s absolutely perfect, you can navigate how best to incorporate it into your sexual activity over time. If it’s negative, then don’t be disappointed. Disappointment can be an emotional guilt trip for a partner if they feel that they aren’t pleasing you. Leave it for a little while and bring it up again later.

If the response is positive, then there’s no need to rush out and get the gear that’s associated with your particular kink that you’d like to explore. Give it some time, discuss it with your partner and then slowly build up to it. If you’d like to be tied up, then you might want to look at buying a simple pair of novelty handcuffs before you go the full hog and buy a stylish black leather cuff set.

In this way, sometimes it’s about building up to a particular activity. Take for example, domination. Your partner might not be naturally inclined to dominate within the bedroom, so to put them in an outfit and ask them to whip you might be very intimidating for them. Think of the ‘end goal’ and start with something simple. If you’re looking to be dominated, start off by getting them to dirty talk with you, or by giving simple demands. The thing is, is that if you have decided that you are interested in a particular kink or activity, then you have obviously had some time to research it, learn it, and become accustomed to it. Your partner might not have had that opportunity and as such they will need to grow into the role. By starting with the basics, not only do you give them the chance to develop into that role, but most importantly, you will be allowing the activity to naturally develop. You, as an intimate couple, might have the goal of being dominated and whipped into submission, but as you play around with that idea you might discover new aspects and new facets of that kink which interest you both more. This is where the communication and the natural progression parts come in. As you communicate with each other, and check in with how you felt, you’ll learn more about each other and you’ll learn where you need to compromise so as you can both achieve the pleasurable satisfaction that you’re both looking for. Kink, and the development of kink, is not just about you and your pleasures, but it’s about the both of you and you interact together.

Above All Else, It Should Be Fun

Throughout the way you’re going to fail. You might fall into the corner and giggle. Don’t be disappointed by this. Porn and sex have taught us that the purpose of sexual activity is an orgasm. This is vastly incorrect, sex and intimacy have the purpose of bringing us closer together. We don’t have to orgasm to enjoy each other’s company and to develop intimacy between individuals. I dare say, some of the best experiences that I have had with my partner were the moments that we failed, because it was those moments that allowed us to communicate with each other. Good luck on your journey with Kinky Sex and BDSM.

Author: Stephen is a consultant at the Oh Zone Adult Lifestyle CentresSave

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Stephen is a cis-gendered gay male who spends far too much time with his two cats and eating tim tams. A self-identified sex-positive advocate he cares deeply about gender equality, disabilities, sexual education and social issues. Opinionated and bold he isn’t afraid to speak his mind and say what others won’t. With a yearning for knowledge and experience in all things relating to sex, he is a prolific writer that has developed the content for a myriad of informative Sexual Health and Wellness websites.

Stephen’s articles and writings tends to focus on social issues, sexual education, queer issues and all things fetish and absurd. He comes qualified with the completion of a double Bachelor degree in Social Sciences and literature, and a Masters in Education.

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