Dr. Stacy, I’m Happily Married With Children But Am I Gay?

This week Dr. Stacy Friedman a clinical sexologist and certified sex coach has partnered up with the sexual wellness store Adultsmart to answer some of your deepest and most intimate anonymous questions which were emailed in to askasexologist@gmail.com.


I have been married over 30 years and I am a 58 year old male. My upbringing was staunch catholic and prior to meeting my wife I had 3 very clumsy sexual encounters with girls. Growing up I was always more comfortable around boys, particularly my best friend (I will call him Ray) whom I had feeling for but never acted on them. After I got married, we had kids.  I was happy with my wife’s companionship but always used to dream what it would have been like to be with Ray. Our kids have now grown up and we are empty nesters now but I feel there is something missing – I find myself looking more at other men and wondering what it would be like to have a relationship with another man. I have told no one but my wife knows there is something wrong and troubling me. I feel guilty and wonder whether my whole life has been led as a lie. Am I gay? Should I act on my desires and find out?

Dr. Stacy Friedman’s Answer

This kind of soul searching and defining your orientation cannot be completely answered by responding to one question but I can say this… Having an affair and acting on your desires to find out how you feel about being with men can have damaging affects on your current relationship and may not be the best action to take.  I do understand that since you haven’t been with a man before you may want to act on it to see if it is something that you are truly interested in so it is a tricky situation to be in.

Many times having a religious upbringing can keep people from truly being able to explore their sexuality as they grow up for fear of judgment or what your religious beliefs may tell you but the fact that you have always had a feeling for your friend Ray, may shed some light as to who you prefer and have truly desired to spend your intimate and emotional time with.  Being gay isn’t just being physically attracted to someone of the same sex but can involve being with someone that you truly want to connect and be close to on an emotional level.  Sexuality is fluid so you can be attracted to both men and women but desire a relationship with just one gender.

Man who is sexually fluid
Image: Sexually Fluid

As you get older you start to blossom into who you are meant to be because you have lived your life as to what society has told you is acceptable and you get to a stage where you just want to be happy.  I am sure you love your wife but you should never feel guilty for something that you are not doing on purpose.  It is not your “fault” who you are attracted to or desire to be with and being attracted or interested in another man may just be who you are and what your needs are.  Don’t look back at your life as being a lie because you may not have known the full truth until now.

I can’t answer the question “Are you gay?“, as that is something that only you can truly know.  I can say that you may want to discuss this with your wife if you feel you have an open line of communication and express your concern. You can mention this to her since she already knows something is troubling you and maybe you can work this out together to do what is right for the both of you.  Don’t forget if you feel that you have been living your life as a lie and feel that you desire to be in a relationship with a man or unsure where you stand with your wife, it is only fair to her to let her know how you feel or to allow her to be with someone who truly wants to be there with her.  If you need extra coaching or counseling through your soul searching, please let me know if you would like to have a phone or video session so I can help guide you through your discovery.

Best wishes,

Dr. Stacy

Would You Like To Ask Dr. Stacy Friedman Your Own Question?

If you have an sexual lifestyle, wellness and health issue or question that you have always wanted to know about be sure to send through an anonymous email to askasexologist@gmail.com. Dr. Stacy Friedman may answer your question in an article that will be published anonymously on Adultsmart’s Blog!

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