Dr. Stacy, I Have Sexual Fantasies About My Wife Cheating!

Cuckold cheating fetish

This week Dr. Stacy Friedman a clinical sexologist and certified sex coach has partnered up with Adultsmart to answer two anonymous questions which were emailed in to askasexologist@gmail.com.

Question

I’m a married man and married my first love.  We broke up 7 months ago when I went away. We have grown children now and a great life but during our time apart she was with others. I found out years ago but she won’t talk about it at all.  I’ve masturbated about it for years and went from jealousy to anger to now one of the only ways I get erect.  She doesn’t know that I feel this way but knows some and says she doesn’t remember any of the details from years ago and doesn’t trust that I won’t be mad if she says more now.  I know I was to blame for my reaction years ago but how do I get her to open up more and incorporate it into our lives now?

Dr. Stacy Friedman’s Answer

It is very common for men to get turned on thinking of their wife having sex with another man.  Not all men want to explore it in real life but if it is something that turns you on, then you may want to find out why and what about that thought is hot for you. You need to ask yourself some questions such as, what about her being with others is a turn on? What do you hope to get out of incorporating it into your life? Also, how much do you want her to open up about the experience?  Do you want her to be involved with other men while you watch, while you join, or just talk dirty about it?

Maybe she doesn’t want to be with others now that your marriage is at the stage it’s at so she prefers to not discuss it. Bringing someone into the relationship, especially into a long-term marriage can be tricky.  It isn’t something to take lightly and there needs to be a lot of trust, communication and boundaries set.  You need to know that you are always taking a risk. It can be done successfully if there is open communication but the fact that she doesn’t want to discuss it now may mean that it isn’t something that she is interested in.

At the end, if she doesn’t want to incorporate more into your relationship then you need to use your own personal thoughts and keep fantasizing about it.  If you want to try and get erect in other ways, spice up your current situation by having sex in different positions, different places, roleplaying, adding toys, discussing your fantasies together or anything that brings something new to your relationship.  This will hopefully allow you to express your desires and find other ways to be stimulated and erect so it isn’t all about you fantasizing about her with other men. Good luck!

Question

My partner and I have been together for about 15 years now.  After we had hit the 10 year mark our bedroom antics started to get a little dull and I wasn’t really enjoying sex with him as much and would often not orgasm.  We started experimenting with sex toys and that livened things up however it has got to the stage that I do not orgasm having sex with him unless I use a toy to stimulate my clitoris at the same time.  He has asked me a couple of times to have straight sex without any aids but it just doesn’t do it for me and he seems to get that.  I still love him and have not entertained the thought of going elsewhere.  Is there something wrong with me? Why do I not get off on just straight sex anymore?

Womens orgasm difficulty
Image: Couple Kissing

Dr. Stacy Friedman’s Answer

First of all, there is absolutely nothing wrong with you!  Statistics show that at least 75% of women can NOT have an orgasm through intercourse without some form of clitoral stimulation so the fact that you are able to achieve an orgasm with toys on your clitoris is a very common way for women to enjoy.

As you get older, your body changes, desires change as does the way you feel towards your partner.  You may not get stimulated the same ways you did earlier in the relationship and you may need to try different things in order to keep your desire up.   The fact that you started experimenting when you realized things were getting dull is a testament to your ability to communicate about sex and how you are feeling with your partner so it is very important to continue to do so in order to keep things working for you and your husband.

I don’t know if you have had children over the last 5-10 years but if so, that can also change the position of your uterus and potentially the G-spot inside which can affect how you orgasm while having intercourse.  Just because someone needs extra stimulation with a toy in order to have an orgasm doesn’t mean their partner is doing something wrong, if anything, it can take the pressure off of him to not have to worry about performance and focus on the pleasure of his wife enjoying sex even if toys are involved.  As long as you are spending time having foreplay and not just going right to intercourse with your toys, your husband can still feel like he is connecting with you on an emotional and physical level to be able to enjoy each other.

Would you like free professional advice from a Clinical Sexologist & Certified Sex Coach? Dr. Stacy Friedman may answer your question for FREE in a featured article on Adultsmart’s Blog! If you would like to send in a question please email askasexologist@gmail.com.

Dr. Stacy, How Do I Pleasure Myself Without Sex Toys?

Woman asking questions about sexual wellness and health

This week Dr. Stacy Friedman a clinical sexologist and certified sex coach has partnered up with Adultsmart to answer two anonymous questions which were emailed in to askasexologist@gmail.com.

Question

I am a virgin but always so horny. I always need to pleasure myself but I am getting bored of the ways I can do it as I would love a get a little kinky however I am not able to purchase any sex toys as I don’t live alone!  Is this normal? Can you help me?

Woman orgasming
Image: Virgin

Dr. Stacy Friedman’s Answer

Seeing that I don’t know all of your details, age, history, etc, I can answer basically and say yes it is totally normal to have a high sex drive as people have all different drives and there isn’t one that is considered “normal”. Since you are a virgin, you may have some built up sexual urges that are wanting to come out so you may be more horny that some because of that.  Masturbation is a healthy, normal part of sexuality so there shouldn’t be any shame or concern if you are enjoying yourself unless it is to a point where it is affecting your work, relationships, and daily activities.

There are many ways to get kinky without women’s sex toys by using different positions to pleasure yourself.  Maybe get a small bottle of lube that you can put near your lotions so it is discreet. When you take a shower, use the showerhead and see if you can get a good feeling from that or lie in a tub and let the water from the faucet run between your legs.  There are also many small sex toys you can keep in your purse that are quiet and may even be disguised as a lipstick or a blush brush so if they were found, nobody would think twice.  There are discreet pillows that can hold and hide sex toys or even lock boxes made specifically for toys to keep in a closet or drawer that nobody can open.  You can also look at some videos on your phone of some light porn if you think of things that may turn you on to give you some more ideas or to use your imagination for next time.  Hope this helps and you see that even though you don’t live alone, there are plenty of ways to pleasure yourself without any large toys to be found!

Question

With the news that has been making headlines recently about the sexual assault allegations with Harvey Weinstein, Kevin Spacey, Kesha Vs Dr Luke and the #Metoo campaign, I have found it hard to ignore memories of the bad experiences I had to face in my past. How do I manage the flachbacks I have been experiencing? What steps am I meant to take to begin coping with the sexual assault I have experienced?

#metoo sexual assault campaign
Image: Metoo Campaign

Dr. Stacy Friedman’s Answer

I am so sorry you have had to deal with any type of sexual harassment or assault as most of us women (and some men), myself included, have been through some kind of situation that sparks anxiety, frustration, and just bad feelings regarding a sexual action that was brought against us.  Being that I am a sexologist, not a sex therapist, I would highly suggest if you are having flashbacks and have never gotten any one on one therapy for the sexual assault that you have experienced, that you find a person near you that specializes in sexual trauma or abuse that maybe does EMDR to talk to.  My suggestion in the meantime until you find someone, is to do some yoga or breathing exercises that can keep you relaxed and find yourself a happy place in real life or in your mind that you can go to where it is safe and calm so you can be there while you breathe.  Know whatever happened was not your fault and you find a way to get to your inner strength, take a kickboxing class, karate class or something that makes you feel strong and do your best to move forward.  I hope you get the support you need and stay strong.

Would you like free professional advice from a Clinical Sexologist & Certified Sex Coach? Dr. Stacy Friedman may answer your question for FREE in a featured article on Adultsmart’s Blog! If you would like to send in a question please email askasexologist@gmail.com.

Dr. Stacy, I’m Happily Married With Children But Am I Gay?

Gay curious man who is happily married

This week Dr. Stacy Friedman a clinical sexologist and certified sex coach has partnered up with the sexual wellness store Adultsmart to answer some of your deepest and most intimate anonymous questions which were emailed in to askasexologist@gmail.com.

Question

I have been married over 30 years and I am a 58 year old male. My upbringing was staunch catholic and prior to meeting my wife I had 3 very clumsy sexual encounters with girls. Growing up I was always more comfortable around boys, particularly my best friend (I will call him Ray) whom I had feeling for but never acted on them. After I got married, we had kids.  I was happy with my wife’s companionship but always used to dream what it would have been like to be with Ray. Our kids have now grown up and we are empty nesters now but I feel there is something missing – I find myself looking more at other men and wondering what it would be like to have a relationship with another man. I have told no one but my wife knows there is something wrong and troubling me. I feel guilty and wonder whether my whole life has been led as a lie. Am I gay? Should I act on my desires and find out?

Dr. Stacy Friedman’s Answer

This kind of soul searching and defining your orientation cannot be completely answered by responding to one question but I can say this… Having an affair and acting on your desires to find out how you feel about being with men can have damaging affects on your current relationship and may not be the best action to take.  I do understand that since you haven’t been with a man before you may want to act on it to see if it is something that you are truly interested in so it is a tricky situation to be in.

Many times having a religious upbringing can keep people from truly being able to explore their sexuality as they grow up for fear of judgment or what your religious beliefs may tell you but the fact that you have always had a feeling for your friend Ray, may shed some light as to who you prefer and have truly desired to spend your intimate and emotional time with.  Being gay isn’t just being physically attracted to someone of the same sex but can involve being with someone that you truly want to connect and be close to on an emotional level.  Sexuality is fluid so you can be attracted to both men and women but desire a relationship with just one gender.

Man who is sexually fluid
Image: Sexually Fluid

As you get older you start to blossom into who you are meant to be because you have lived your life as to what society has told you is acceptable and you get to a stage where you just want to be happy.  I am sure you love your wife but you should never feel guilty for something that you are not doing on purpose.  It is not your “fault” who you are attracted to or desire to be with and being attracted or interested in another man may just be who you are and what your needs are.  Don’t look back at your life as being a lie because you may not have known the full truth until now.

I can’t answer the question “Are you gay?“, as that is something that only you can truly know.  I can say that you may want to discuss this with your wife if you feel you have an open line of communication and express your concern. You can mention this to her since she already knows something is troubling you and maybe you can work this out together to do what is right for the both of you.  Don’t forget if you feel that you have been living your life as a lie and feel that you desire to be in a relationship with a man or unsure where you stand with your wife, it is only fair to her to let her know how you feel or to allow her to be with someone who truly wants to be there with her.  If you need extra coaching or counseling through your soul searching, please let me know if you would like to have a phone or video session so I can help guide you through your discovery.

Best wishes,

Dr. Stacy

Would You Like To Ask Dr. Stacy Friedman Your Own Question?

If you have an sexual lifestyle, wellness and health issue or question that you have always wanted to know about be sure to send through an anonymous email to askasexologist@gmail.com. Dr. Stacy Friedman may answer your question in an article that will be published anonymously on Adultsmart’s Blog!

Would you like free professional advice from a Clinical Sexologist & Certified Sex Coach? Dr. Stacy Friedman may answer your question for FREE in a featured article on Adultsmart’s Blog! If you would like to send in a question please email askasexologist@gmail.com.

Dr. Stacy, How Can I Achieve An Orgasm?

Woman with a happy sexual lifestyle

This week Dr. Stacy Friedman a clinical sexologist and certified sex coach has partnered up with Adultsmart to answer some of your deepest and most intimate anonymous questions from Reddit.

Question

I am a woman who is having difficulty achieving an orgasm.

When you talk to women like me what advice do you tell them?

Dr. Stacy Friedman’s Answer

When being intimate, the main focus of sex should be about enjoying the journey, focusing on the pleasure and not being concerned about the performance.   Of course, having an orgasm is definitely an important part too, especially for women, but it isn’t always easy for a woman to have an orgasm.   Not because the lack of trying, but some women may not understand what is needed to help themselves achieve the big-O.  Some women can orgasm through vaginal sex, while some can only have an orgasm through clitoral stimulation.  Believe it or not, about 75% of women must have clitoral stimulation to orgasm, so if you are concerned that you are only able to do it on your own or with your partners help orally or manually, you are not alone- actually, you are the majority.  So what can you do to help improve your chances of having an orgasm?

Sexually fulfilled woman
Joyful Woman On Her Bed
  1. First, make sure there are no medical conditions that are keeping you from having an orgasm such as conditions that may have sexual side effects, any nerve damage, or medications that you take, which may reduce sensitivity, such as antidepressants. If all that is good, then it may be something more in your mind, which is keeping you from feeling the pleasure.
  2. Masturbate! If you don’t know what you like or how your body reacts to stimulation, how can you expect your partner to know?  People enjoy different sensations and get turned on by varied types of touch.  It is up to you to know your body and to take the time to learn what touches feel good and what places on your body can be more sensitive.  Put on some soft music, turn down the lights, and go into bed or maybe even a bathtub and begin. Start slow; make sure you are able to relax someplace where you won’t be interrupted.  There are no rules on how or what to do, just as long as you do something that feels good.  You have to clear your mind and focus on the feelings you are producing and allow yourself to breathe. Which brings me to the third suggestion.
  3. Learning how to be in the moment, to enjoy the sensations and feelings you are experiencing is very important for women.  We are always thinking of laundry that needs to be done, errands that need to be run, kids that need to be taken care of and everything else under the sun.  Breathing slow, deep, purposeful breaths can put us more into a state of relaxation so we can focus. Women especially, need to be more mentally and physically in tune to themselves when trying to have an orgasm, so learning to relax and breathe is very important as it allows you to be present with yourself.
  4. Get in the mood. If you are with a partner, communicate with them and work together to prime each other up throughout the day.  Start with verbal communication, such as sexy words and thoughts, flirty texts and doing things that make you feel sexy!  Put some lingerie on underneath your clothes, do your make up, get a pedicure, read “50 Shades of Gray”, dab some clit stimulating cream between your legs through the day so you feel a slight throb as you think of what’s to come.  Creams that have L-Argenine are great for bringing blood flow to the surface, so look for creams that may include that ingredient.
  5. Don’t be afraid to help yourself while being intimate or having sex! If you have a free hand or a toy, use it!  Don’t be shy! Since the majority of women orgasm through clitoral stimulation, you have a better chance to enjoy an orgasm if you manually stimulate yourself or use a toy during intercourse to help bring you where you want to go!  A silver bullet is a great starting toy, since it’s easy to use and lots of fun!
  6. Position, position, position! Play around with different positions, amounts of pressure and motions to learn what works best for you. Prop yourself up with a pillow under your hips and move with your partner in a slightly circular, grinding motion.  This will help put some pressure and friction on the clit, which stimulates the nerves just at the right spot. Playing around with different movements, speeds and techniques can be the ticket to better orgasms and most importantly, take the time to enjoy sex for pleasure and not performance.  That will also help determine your potential for orgasmic bliss!

An important take away is that you are responsible for your pleasure and orgasm. Your partner can help for sure, but it is the woman’s responsibility to know herself and her needs so she can be open to allowing her mind and body to enjoy what the journey has to offer.  The closer connected you are to your partner and the more warmed up you get ahead of time, the more likely you will have success in allowing your body to enjoy an orgasm to its fullest potential!

Would you like free professional advice from a Clinical Sexologist & Certified Sex Coach? Dr. Stacy Friedman may answer your question for FREE in a featured article on Adultsmart’s Blog! If you would like to send in a question please email askasexologist@gmail.com.