Ask Oz – Isolate or Dominate!!

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Hi Oz, I really hope you can help me. I’ve got a very problematic immune system, so as soon as Covid-19 went around, I’ve been forced into total social isolation. Thankfully I could continue working from home on my computer, but there are some things I just can’t do while in isolation.
Because no matter how good my vibrator collection is, no sex toy is ever going to choke me out, tell me what to do, or tie me down. Which is exactly the kind of thing I need to truly get off. What can I do? Please help! – Angela

 

Hi Angela, thanks for your email. I think I might be able to suggest a few things to get you through this time.

First up, the same goes for distance dom/sub relationships/encounters as it does for in-person ones: only do it with someone you trust. Lay out boundaries and safe words. Establish an open communication before the event, get familiar with each other, and certainly try a few video chats together before you get together for a long distance session. Most of the next things I’m about to suggest require the use of app-based control technology, and I would recommend trying these things before that initial playdate, to iron out any kinks (no pun intended).

Next up, it’s time to get some products that could be really useful to be dominated from anywhere in the world. Pick up a set of under-mattress restraints. Edge Extreme Under The Bed Restraints is a great kit that can be extended to fit even under a king sized bed, and comes with six metal loops to attach your favourite sets of binds to. Pornhub’s 8 Point Underbed Kit comes with its own set of cuffs for ankles and wrists, and given the anchor points for these may be even sturdier than the Edge ones.

To go along with your under bed restraints, look at finding some app controllable padlocks, like those offered by Noke. Again, definitely practise ahead of time with these, let your dom lock and unlock them when you’re not wearing them. These are probably the most important thing to make sure they work before using.

For toys, I’d recommend most things offered by Kiiroo. The Pearl 2 and the Fuse are two great classic style vibrators (the Pearl 2 is a g-spot toy, the Fuse is a rabbit style for dual stimulation). Both of these can be controlled remotely through an app, where you connect to the toy via bluetooth and then connect with your partner through the Kiiroo app. But what makes the Kiiroo toys really stand out from other app-controlled toys, is the interactivity on offer.

If playing solo, for example, you can load up interactive content from somewhere like Pornhub and the toy will respond to what is taking place on the screen. Pair this with some VR goggles, and you’re having the closest thing to sexual interaction as one can in a time of social isolation.

However if your partner (in this instance, I’m using a man as an example) has a Kiiroo Onyx 2, he can interact with your toy completely. The Onyx 2 is an amazing rechargeable stroker that offers a great sexual simulation. The inner workers that give the sensation of stroking react to your paired Kiiroo toy, be it Pearl 2 or Fuse, so as your toy enters you, his stroking will match the speed and rhythm you are using. And from the keypad on the Onyx 2, he can change the vibration levels and settings of your toy.

In saying all this, while I think any one of those could really assist with keeping things interactive, in your circumstances I would suggest using the OhMiBod Esca 2. The Esca 2 is also powered by Kiiroo’s technology, so enjoys all the same interactivity as the other toys. But the Esca 2 is a strong little egg that would be far more effective for you to use, considering you may be tied up and unable to hold a vibbrator in place. There is a little tail on the Esca 2 which has a few purposes. Firstly, it allows for easy extraction, and secondly it is also where the signal to link to your phone is based, allowing for a stronger signal than if this sensor was located on the internal part. The tail also has a little light on it which will flicker when it’s in use (this setting can be turned off), so your partner knows that what they’re doing on the app is actually happening to the toy. Being an internal toy, also gives him a greater view of your vulva.

These toys and cuffs and locks mentioned above could be the closest thing you could get to being properly dominated while in social isolation. If you give them a go, feel free to drop me a line back and tell how it all went, so to better assist any others that may be after the same kind of thing. Beyond these things, there could be a world of other possible options out there, since whole houses can now be app controlled in terms of powering on and off. It just depends on how creative you really want to get.

Have fun, play safe, stay safe and visit an Oh Zone Store Soon.

Ask Oz – I Can’t Orgasm!

relationship advice

Oz answers your sexual health and relationship questions.

 

Hi Oz, I’ve been with my boyfriend for seven years, since we were sixteen. He was my first and only, but I’m struggling to orgasm during sex. I do have a contraceptive implant, which my boyfriend wants me to get rid of, does that affect things? The little cheap bullet I have is no longer doing it for me either. It’s also been tricky to hold it in place during missionary. Then not long after I bring out the bullet, my boyfriend comes and it’s all over. What do you suggest I try? – DD

 

Hi DD, thanks for your email.

There’s a lot here for me to answer, but I’ll see if I can get through all this. First of all, I’m getting the feeling you two only ever do missionary position, and having gotten together quite young, and perhaps are each others only so far, this is the most common position. However, it certainly isn’t the best, especially for women.

The Cowgirl position could be of great help for you, as you get to control the pace and depth of penetration. In this position, you both get to still maintain eye contact, while also enjoying seeing each other’s bodies. This position will also make it significantly easier to apply a toy to your clit, which I’m assuming is what gets you off, since your bullet used to do that.

In missionary, with your bodies together, it sounds like the vibrations of your bullet are exciting your boyfriend and getting him to come sooner. Perhaps a toy like a Womanizer might be better suited to you, as it is a clit ‘sucking’ toy that doesn’t actually vibrate, this may hopefully level the playing field by being possibly the best external toy for a woman, and not adding extra stimulation to your boyfriend.

Alternatively, there are a few things your partner can do to slow down. Using a desentizing delay gel or spray would be the most obvious way to go. Trying something like Over Time by Wicked would be my suggestion. Once he has rubbed this white cream onto his penis, after a few minutes the cream will turn translucent, which means that firstly it has absorbed into his skin and desensitized him, but it also means that the cream won’t be transferred onto you.

It’s also good to understand that sex most definitely isn’t defined by penetration. Foreplay is a fantastic way to raise excitement, and typically an easier way for women to orgasm than during penetrative sex.

Edit: DD emailed me back in regards to this part of my reply and explained that she has previously orgasmed before intercourse, but then doesn’t feel like having penetrative sex.

All very normal, however I’d like to once again ask you to challenge your ideas of sex. Your initial email clearly puts forward that as soon as your boyfriend comes, that’s the end of the line. What if I told you that what is good for the gander is also good for the goose? Inequality is rampant in the bedroom, and if you orgasm during foreplay and don’t want to continue, that is fine. After all, that is entirely what your email was about, that only one partner has been reaching orgasm.

But you don’t have to just listen to my advice. I think esteemed sexologist Chantelle Otten summed it up perfectly in this other article: “Sex is an expansive term. If you want to learn how to have sex, you need to ditch the rule that sex is about penetration or orgasm. Successful sex is about variation, pleasure and sensation. People have sex in different ways depending on their capabilities and goals. I.e. Sex for heterosexual couples is different than same-sex couples. Sex for people with physical disabilities is different for those who don’t have a disability. But it is still sex! Take expectations and dated education, put them in the bin, and make your own rules about having fun and achieving intimacy.”

 

Her Omissions About Her Past and Her Actions Together Lead Me to Believe I am not her type of Sexual Mate

Ask Dr Stacy
I know this is my problem because I know that my wife does love me however when I bring up to her that she has really destroyed my sexual confidence due to her not telling me certain things and finding them out later.  Sorry to be cryptic. There are a few specifics that I will share.
When my wife (then 21 / 22) and I (27) first started dating we dated for a couple of months. She had gotten out of her basically only long term relationship a year before this. I don’t know what happened but the best I can piece together he cheated frequently. It’ seems nearly everyone knows but me. Anyhow, during that time she made it clear no sex. It sucked but I respected her wishes. She comes from a very Christian family. We had some fun but then around the 2 month mark she stopped calling and returning calls.
Like I said it was fun but I wasn’t quite in love with her. Fast forward a few months and she reaches out to me wanting to go out again. Again like i said she was fun so I agreed. Well things progress much quicker know and we have sex a few weeks later and actually engaged a few months after that. Things are still going well however some cracks develop. Turns out her ex bf is a very, very tall black guy. I’m  from a northern state in America and grew up around blacks my whole life. No issues at all with her dating a black guy. No while I have no problem with her dating a black guy her family sorta does. And by “sorta” they do. She defies them and he takes her virginity. So the good Christian girl is having premarital sex with someone her parents do not necessarily like too much. The funny thing is that she believes her parents and family damn near walk on water. They are good people but have some skeletons in their closet that she conveniently over looks.
Sorry a bit off track. So one day she tells me her ex is a lot bigger than me. I’m a very average 6”. She doesn’t tell me how much bigger. Ok. Yeah that hurt but they guys 6’11”. I hope he’s bigger. It was just the way she said it. While I’m sure it’s true she just said it as if she was telling me it was sunny outside. Then we are fooling around one day and I ask if she’s ever given a blowjob. Long story short YES. A lot of them to her ex. But she tells me we have to save something for after we are married. For the next few months we are going out with her friends and she’s drinking g and talking a really big sex game. Like she’s Uber experienced. I talk to her about 1) it doesn’t make me feel exactly comfortable her talking like this in front of everyone when she’s certainly not delivering to me that kind of sex and passion. We argue, fight and she tells me to get over it.
It’s not a big deal. Then the proverbial kick the the nuts. When we dated for a couple of months and had zero sexual activity beyond kissing and then she breaks up with me. Well what did she do during those few months? She went out to bars and had one night stands. And what was her go to sex act because of her Christian up bringing she sucked their dicks. And the first one was less than 10 days after she broke up with me. Things haven’t really gotten better. For a time they did but it’s been several years of up and downs and frankly we would both agree not what we expected.
I should say she is also I guess I’d say controlling. Not in a domineering way but more in a “I’m never wrong and even when  I am I will figure out a way to spin it so I’m right” way. So anytime we argue about this she always has a way of making it my fault or my issue and I need to “get over it”.
I do love her and want to have a happy house and family but it’s hard. I know many psychologists say your past is your past and your SO has no right to know about it. I do not agree with that because her either not telling me or her omission of certain facts that have come out (how they couldn’t, she shares way too much information and has a close group of friends and family) have really destroyed me. Killed my confidence and made me feel like I am not sexually good enough. She has many traits I admire greatly. She is very loyal to her family. Like knife you if you say something bad about them. She is very intelligent (3 BS and 1 Masters of Science) and she has the ability to rationalize anything that might not be acceptable to someone it affects. She’s quite caring but the order is her, her family, friends and then me. Seriously.
I honestly feel like I was lied to and used. I am certain she didn’t do anything intentionally to hurt me but she has. The worst part is when I tell her she tells me it’s my problem or get over it or some of my favorites, you’d better get yourself together and mg all time favorite “Man Up”. I almost left her that day.
Confused, hurt, sad and unhappy. Don’t know that I’ll ever know what love feels like.
Steve
Hi Steve,
Looking at what you have described to me – and without speaking with your partner – the person you are with could be suffering from either borderline personality disorder or strong traits of narcissism.  The good new for you is that being aware of these you can research these disorders and understand where she is coming from.
Understanding may give you the tools to change your relationship boundaries to those that are more acceptable to you or realize that it is beyond repair and equip you to move on.
Domineering partners may be exceptional if you are interested in having a dom/sub relationship or want to be a cuckold – but to do so happily you have to be prepared to relinquish all control to another.
Hope this helps!!

Ask A Sexologist – Dr. Stacy!

Ask Advice

As always we are honored that Dr. Stacy, Clinical Sexologist has kindly contributed her professional services for our adultsmart blog readers.  Below she has answered questions from Christian from Bankstown Sydney and Ruth from Richmond New South Wales.

Read more of Dr Stacy’s advice!

Ruth:

My relationship with my husband has gone cold.  There is little intimacy and our bedroom is all but dead.  Our kids are now older and our discussions regularly turn into arguments.  I have seen a counselor but when I suggested he see one or we see one together he says we don’t need too.  How do I get him to see that things are not that good and we need help?

 

I am sorry to hear things are not so good on the home front and it’s unfortunate that you don’t seem to have a partner that understands the urgency of the situation.  I try to tell people that if you have a partner asking for help or to get help, it is usually a dire situation that can go downhill fast if not taken care of. If your partner isn’t willing to do anything for the marriage and you have expressed concern and desire to seek help, there isn’t much you can do other than work on personal growth and start weighing your options of what you want for your future, to stay and do nothing or go.  I would ask him why he doesn’t feel that you need to see a counselor, what scares him about going, what does he think is going to happen if  you go as well as what could be the worst and best scenario if he did decide to go.  If he still says he doesn’t want to go then try to have a conversation with him and ask him if he is happy with the way the relationship is and if he says no, see what his suggestions are to work on things.  Maybe if he sees you are open to listening to him, he will make some suggestions that could be helpful.

What about getting away together for a weekend where it is just the two of you and you have an opportunity to connect and talk?  Are you having any intimacy?  Sex?  If not, ask him if he wants to improve that, see if he thinks that could be better.  If so, you need to try to work on things together to make it happen.  There are many people that don’t believe in therapy or counseling and for some people it doesn’t work because many times they have waited too long and there is no turning back. Sometimes it makes a huge impact and saves a marriage but also, people may be afraid that by going to therapy they may eventually have to make a decision on their future and it is scary so people would rather just ignore and not go.  Find out what his fears are and then find out what his future goals are and if he wants you to be a part of it, he needs to tend to your fears and goals to make the marriage work.

 

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Christian:

I come from a large immediate and extended family but to my knowledge not one of them is LGBTQ nor do any of them hang out or have friends that are gay or queer.  I am 21 and know in myself that I am homosexual but have not come out.  It is like a big, dirty secret that hangs over my head as I feel that my family will not accept me if I do come out.  A couple of times I have gone out by myself to some gay bar I know about but as soon as anyone approached me I felt revulsion about the whole gay thing and rushed home. It is overwhelming and sometimes I feel incredibly sad and frustrated. What should I do?

 

It is a completely normal to feel confusion, frustration and potential revulsion because it is something that is still taboo in society and can make you question who you are and what you believe.  Since you aren’t accepting of yourself, you see the disgust that others may see in your own eyes but that isn’t reality.  Loving someone for who they are is a beautiful thing once accepting that within yourself. In order to be comfortable coming out to others you need to first be comfortable in yourself and the understanding that you are perfect the way you are and that there is nothing wrong with being gay.  You are attracted to whom you are attracted to and that is nothing that you can change.

 

What makes you think they wouldn’t be accepting of you?  Do they not believe in the LGBT population? Have they said things offensive? Are you close to at least one of your parents that you can have a talk with? What about another trusted adult or maybe a therapist near you that can help? I do Skype calls for people that aren’t local and I would be happy to help you get the confidence you need to be who you are, as that is one of my specialties so let me know if you want to make an appointment.  In the meantime, surround yourself with others that are gay, support groups, maybe a local place that has resources.  That way you aren’t in an environment where it may be more “sexual” such as a club so you can get to the point of acceptance and self love and then be able to move forward.  You need to have support and you shouldn’t have to lie to get it so maybe slowly breach the subject to your family by bringing up someone else in the media to gauge what they think about the LGBT population and go from there.  I am here of you wanted to make an appointment for extra support.  You shouldn’t have to go through this alone.

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Ask Dr. Stacy – How Can I Last Longer In Bed?

Dr Stacy Sexologist

Dr. Stacy is a clinical Sexologist and Certified Sex Coach who monthly answers questions posted by our adultsmart community blog readers.  If you have a question relating to sex that you want answered or further information on please do not hesitate to post your question here!  Please be aware that Dr. Stacy is extremely busy and will choose which questions to answer.  As we now receive more than 1.4 million unique views from readers each year some questions may not be answered.

Stephan

I don’t last  more than 2 minutes in bed.  How can I last longer?

 Premature or early ejaculation is when you are either letting it all out 1-2 minutes or less after the start of intercourse or that you ejaculate faster than you would like. What is normal?  How long are you supposed to last? These are commons questions and concerns that many men have.  Studies have shown that most men ejaculate 3-5 minutes after penetration. There are a couple of ways you can work at improving the ability to last longer.  One is the squeeze technique by Masters & Johnson.

When you are erect, squeeze the tip of the penis where the skin joins with the tip of the penis (frenulum). Use your thumb to squeeze the frenulum against your index finger. The squeeze should last about 10-15 seconds but make sure not to squeeze too hard where it becomes painful. For this technique to work, you need to be able to feel that you are approaching the point of no return, the point beyond which you can’t control ejaculation. When you are about to reach that point, you or your partner can squeeze and then start again.

The next technique is the stop-start method.  You can do this one alone if you want to practice without your partner but it is something that is also helpful to do with your partner once you can perfect it on your own.  Once you become stimulated, before you hit the point of no return, stop what you are doing, rest for 30-60 seconds and then start stimulating again but don’t allow yourself to get to that point of inevitability. Repeat this cycle 5-6 times before allowing yourself to ejaculate.  If you are by yourself, you can finish by masturbating or if with a partner you can have penetrative intercourse and allow yourself to finish.  There are a few ways you can masturbate to practice on your own by going from using a dry hand (being gentle), then a wet hand with some sort of lotion or lube and then work your way to intercourse.

These are a couple ideas to help with early ejaculation but you can also look up Kegel exercises online which help strengthen the muscles in the pelvis to be able to control the urge to ejaculate easier. There may be more to your situation if you have a partner that is not helpful, rushing you to finish or is not open sexually so if these ideas don’t work and you need some coaching to look deeper into your situation as to what is going on, please contact me at www.DrStacy.org

Premature ejaculation device competition 2
Image: Prolong Climax Control Training Program Pinterest Competition 2 – Click on image for details

 

Len

Are urethral sounds safe to use?

First thing to know…what exactly is a urethral sound? It is a device made to enter the urethra for medical purposes or for sexual play. They can be hard or soft and usually inserted halfway into the opening of the penis so they can be easily retrieved. Some items, such as catheters, can be put in deeper to penetrate the bladder so depending on what the person is looking for, there is something for both. There are two reasons someone may want to use a urethral sound. One is for physical benefits and one is for the physiological turn on.  The urethra has sensitive nerve endings inside which can be stimulated when the sound is used and if you go deep enough with the sound in the penis you may have the ability to do a prostate massage.

Urethral sounding does come with risks.  If using toys specifically for that purpose and used correctly it can be safe since they are designed specifically for the purpose of sexual play and to not hurt but if using something not made for sounding you risk infection, bleeding and pain.  Get something high quality, use a sterile lube and go slow.  If you don’t have patience you can cause damage so it is important that if you want to try urethral sounding that you take your time and get the right products.

Readers please comment on this segment or contact Dr. Stacy Direct and let her know that her professional advice segment is on that is valued by our adult community.

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