Ask Dr. Stacy – How Can I Last Longer In Bed?

Dr Stacy Sexologist

Dr. Stacy is a clinical Sexologist and Certified Sex Coach who monthly answers questions posted by our adultsmart community blog readers.  If you have a question relating to sex that you want answered or further information on please do not hesitate to post your question here!  Please be aware that Dr. Stacy is extremely busy and will choose which questions to answer.  As we now receive more than 1.4 million unique views from readers each year some questions may not be answered.

Stephan

I don’t last  more than 2 minutes in bed.  How can I last longer?

 Premature or early ejaculation is when you are either letting it all out 1-2 minutes or less after the start of intercourse or that you ejaculate faster than you would like. What is normal?  How long are you supposed to last? These are commons questions and concerns that many men have.  Studies have shown that most men ejaculate 3-5 minutes after penetration. There are a couple of ways you can work at improving the ability to last longer.  One is the squeeze technique by Masters & Johnson.

When you are erect, squeeze the tip of the penis where the skin joins with the tip of the penis (frenulum). Use your thumb to squeeze the frenulum against your index finger. The squeeze should last about 10-15 seconds but make sure not to squeeze too hard where it becomes painful. For this technique to work, you need to be able to feel that you are approaching the point of no return, the point beyond which you can’t control ejaculation. When you are about to reach that point, you or your partner can squeeze and then start again.

The next technique is the stop-start method.  You can do this one alone if you want to practice without your partner but it is something that is also helpful to do with your partner once you can perfect it on your own.  Once you become stimulated, before you hit the point of no return, stop what you are doing, rest for 30-60 seconds and then start stimulating again but don’t allow yourself to get to that point of inevitability. Repeat this cycle 5-6 times before allowing yourself to ejaculate.  If you are by yourself, you can finish by masturbating or if with a partner you can have penetrative intercourse and allow yourself to finish.  There are a few ways you can masturbate to practice on your own by going from using a dry hand (being gentle), then a wet hand with some sort of lotion or lube and then work your way to intercourse.

These are a couple ideas to help with early ejaculation but you can also look up Kegel exercises online which help strengthen the muscles in the pelvis to be able to control the urge to ejaculate easier. There may be more to your situation if you have a partner that is not helpful, rushing you to finish or is not open sexually so if these ideas don’t work and you need some coaching to look deeper into your situation as to what is going on, please contact me at www.DrStacy.org

Premature ejaculation device competition 2
Image: Prolong Climax Control Training Program Pinterest Competition 2 – Click on image for details

 

Len

Are urethral sounds safe to use?

First thing to know…what exactly is a urethral sound? It is a device made to enter the urethra for medical purposes or for sexual play. They can be hard or soft and usually inserted halfway into the opening of the penis so they can be easily retrieved. Some items, such as catheters, can be put in deeper to penetrate the bladder so depending on what the person is looking for, there is something for both. There are two reasons someone may want to use a urethral sound. One is for physical benefits and one is for the physiological turn on.  The urethra has sensitive nerve endings inside which can be stimulated when the sound is used and if you go deep enough with the sound in the penis you may have the ability to do a prostate massage.

Urethral sounding does come with risks.  If using toys specifically for that purpose and used correctly it can be safe since they are designed specifically for the purpose of sexual play and to not hurt but if using something not made for sounding you risk infection, bleeding and pain.  Get something high quality, use a sterile lube and go slow.  If you don’t have patience you can cause damage so it is important that if you want to try urethral sounding that you take your time and get the right products.

Readers please comment on this segment or contact Dr. Stacy Direct and let her know that her professional advice segment is on that is valued by our adult community.

Facebook: drstacyfriedman

Twitter: @drstacyfriedman

LinkedIn: drstacy

Skype: creatingintimacycoach

Pinterest: drstacyfriedman

 

Would you like free professional advice from a Clinical Sexologist & Certified Sex Coach? Dr. Stacy Friedman may answer your question for FREE in a featured article on Adultsmart’s Blog! If you would like to send in a question please email askasexologist@gmail.com.

Dr. Stacy, My Husband Won’t Speak About Our Intimacy Issues!

Sexless marriage

This month Adultsmart’s clinical sexologist and certified sex coach Dr. Stacy Friedman has answered three questions which were anonymously sent in to askasexologist@gmail.com. Be sure to read them, who knows she may have answered one of yours!

Question

My relationship with my husband has gone cold.  There is little intimacy and our bedroom is all but dead.  Our kids are now older and our discussions regularly turn into arguments.  I have seen a counselor but when I suggested he see one or we see one together he says we don’t need too.  How do I get him to see that things are not that good and we need help?

Dr. Stacy Friedmans Answer

I am sorry to hear things are not so good on the home front and it’s unfortunate that you don’t seem to have a partner that understands the urgency of the situation.  I try to tell people that if you have a partner asking for help or to get help, it is usually a dire situation that can go downhill fast if not taken care of. If your partner isn’t willing to do anything for the marriage and you have expressed concern and desire to seek help, there isn’t much you can do other than work on personal growth and start weighing your options of what you want for your future, to stay and do nothing or go.  I would ask him why he doesn’t feel that you need to see a counselor, what scares him about going, what does he think is going to happen if  you go as well as what could be the worst and best scenario if he did decide to go.  If he still says he doesn’t want to go then try to have a conversation with him and ask him if he is happy with the way the relationship is and if he says no, see what his suggestions are to work on things.  Maybe if he sees you are open to listening to him, he will make some suggestions that could be helpful.

What about getting away together for a weekend where it is just the two of you and you have an opportunity to connect and talk?  Are you having any intimacy or sex?  If not, ask him if he wants to improve that, see if he thinks that could be better.  If so, you need to try to work on things together to make it happen.  There are many people that don’t believe in therapy or counseling and for some people it doesn’t work because many times they have waited too long and there is no turning back. Sometimes it makes a huge impact and saves a marriage but also, people may be afraid that by going to therapy they may eventually have to make a decision on their future and it is scary so people would rather just ignore and not go.  Find out what his fears are and then find out what his future goals are and if he wants you to be a part of it, he needs to tend to your fears and goals to make the marriage work.

Question

I come from a large immediate and extended family but to my knowledge not one of them is LGBTQIA+ nor do any of them hang out or have friends that are gay or queer.  I am 21 and know in myself that I am homosexual but have not come out.  It is like a big, dirty secret that hangs over my head as I feel that my family will not accept me if I do come out.  A couple of times I have gone out by myself to some gay bar I know about but as soon as anyone approached me I felt revulsion about the whole gay thing and rushed home. It is overwhelming and sometimes I feel incredibly sad and frustrated. What should I do?

Coming out as gay
Image: Coming out

Dr. Stacy Friedman’s Answer

It is a completely normal to feel confusion, frustration and potential revulsion because it is something that is still taboo in society and can make you question who you are and what you believe.  Since you aren’t accepting of yourself, you see the disgust that others may see in your own eyes but that isn’t reality.  Loving someone for who they are is a beautiful thing once accepting that within yourself. In order to be comfortable coming out to others, you need to first be comfortable in yourself and the understanding that you are perfect the way you are and that there is nothing wrong with being gay.  You are attracted to whom you are attracted to and that is nothing that you can change.

What makes you think they wouldn’t be accepting of you?  Do they not believe in the LGBTQIA+ population? Have they said things offensive? Are you close to at least one of your parents that you can have a talk with? What about another trusted adult or maybe a therapist near you that can help? I do Skype calls for people that aren’t local and I would be happy to help you get the confidence you need to be who you are, as that is one of my specialties so let me know if you want to make an appointment.  In the meantime, surround yourself with others that are gay, support groups, maybe a local place that has resources.  That way you aren’t in an environment where it may be more “sexual” such as a club so you can get to the point of acceptance and self-love and then be able to move forward.  You need to have support and you shouldn’t have to lie to get it so maybe slowly breach the subject to your family by bringing up someone else in the media to gage what they think about the LGBTQIA+ population and go from there.  I am here of you wanted to make an appointment for extra support.  You shouldn’t have to go through this alone.

Would you like free professional advice from a Clinical Sexologist & Certified Sex Coach? Dr. Stacy Friedman may answer your question for FREE in a featured article on Adultsmart’s Blog! If you would like to send in a question please email askasexologist@gmail.com.

Dr. Stacy, Help Me! I’m A Sexless Cuckold Wanting Sex

Man in a chastity device

This month Adultsmart’s clinical sexologist and certified sex coach Dr. Stacy Friedman has answered three questions which were anonymously sent in to askasexologist@gmail.com. Be sure to read them, who knows she may have answered on of yours!

Question

So for the last few years, my wife and I have been in a cuckold relationship that started with my chastity fetish and she escalated it.  A year and a half ago, she decided that I would be sex free besides using my tongue.  I was upset at first but she convinced me it was for the best.  My problem now is that I don’t think I can handle never having sex with her again as I ache for it constantly.  My question is after all this time of being pussy free and her fucking whoever she wants, how can I talk her into letting me have sex again?

Dr. Stacy Friedman’s Answer

For those not aware, a cuckold relationship is one where a man encourages his wife to have sex with other men because it brings him pleasure. The husband’s “victim” role is definitely a major element of the kink. Communication is very important in any relationship, so if something bothers you about your sexual practice it would benefit you to bring it up in a conversation about your needs with your partner.  If she isn’t willing to listen or respect your concerns then you aren’t in a balanced relationship and someone will be settling or continue to feel unsatisfied. When in a cuckold relationship, the person who is the cuckold (meaning you) can feel pleasure by being humiliated and submissive but only if both parties consent to this agreement.  This fetish fantasy doesn’t work when the cuckold is being humiliated against their will and their own needs are not being met.  If your marriage will continue to work without resentment or frustration, your concerns need to be discussed and a compromise found.  If you still want to be in a cuckold relationship then discussing some changes that can help both of you be satisfied can be imperative or unfortunately your marriage may not end well.

Question

I cannot satisfy my wife, as my penis is too small.  I have tried penis pumps but the result did not last.  I tried stretcher too but it was painful and nothing was different after a month.  Is there a way to get a bigger penis?

Dr. Stacy Friedman’s Answer

Unfortunately, you have the size that you were born with unless you try a few things such as what you have mentioned.  The penis pump is not meant to have a lasting effect, it just offers enough help for the time you are being intimate.  If the stretcher is painful then obviously you shouldn’t continue to use it but even if you do use it, you probably won’t get much larger than another inch or so.  Most women appreciate the girth more than the length so it is more filling in their vaginal canal.  You can use a cock ring on your penis which can help keep the blood blow in which can help with some thickness.  Make sure to use lube prior to putting the ring on so you don’t pull your skin.  Also, it isn’t all about the size that makes a woman happy or pleased.  You can learn different techniques that will help increase her satisfaction such as working on oral, using your fingers more by touching in a soft and slow way.  While you are having intercourse you can also help with pleasure by using a toy to stimulate the clit at the same time so it isn’t as focused on the penis size.  There are some adult products such as penis sleeves that are made with silicone or jelly material that can increase some length or girth during intercourse so maybe try some of those.  Make sure to try and communicate with your partner as to what they like and need to feel satisfied and you may be surprised that it doesn’t have as much to do with a larger penis but the way you take your time and focus on foreplay and allowing your partner to enjoy the connection and touch between the two of you.

Cock ring with a remote control
Image: NU Sensuelle Remote Control Rechargeable Cock Ring

Question

During oral sex, can sperm be swallowed?

Dr. Stacy Friedman’s Answer

Yes, it is safe to swallow sperm (also called semen). The choice to spit or swallow is a very personal one and there is nothing wrong with either answer. Before you do decide to swallow semen, you should make sure your partner is safe from any sexually transmitted infections so you aren’t taking the chance to transmit any infection to yourself. Semen is mostly water and also contains some amino acids, protein, zinc, calcium, sugars such as glucose and fructose as well as Vitamin C and a few other nutrients. The different diet that someone has will determine the taste or lack of taste that it can have.  The more fruits and vegetables you have, the better or more mild the semen will taste, such as pineapple or fruit juices. Some studies have even shown that semen, when entered through the vagina into the bloodstream is actually considered an anti-depressant so swallow away if you want to feel happier! I don’t know how true that really is but it doesn’t hurt to try.

If you would like to ask Dr. Stacy Friedman anything about sexual lifestyle, health and wellness, be sure to send in your question to askasexologist@gmail.com and she may answer one of your questions in a full length article that will be published anonymously on Adultsmart’s blog.

Would you like free professional advice from a Clinical Sexologist & Certified Sex Coach? Dr. Stacy Friedman may answer your question for FREE in a featured article on Adultsmart’s Blog! If you would like to send in a question please email askasexologist@gmail.com.

Dr. Stacy, I Have Sexual Fantasies About My Wife Cheating!

Cuckold cheating fetish

This week Dr. Stacy Friedman a clinical sexologist and certified sex coach has partnered up with Adultsmart to answer two anonymous questions which were emailed in to askasexologist@gmail.com.

Question

I’m a married man and married my first love.  We broke up 7 months ago when I went away. We have grown children now and a great life but during our time apart she was with others. I found out years ago but she won’t talk about it at all.  I’ve masturbated about it for years and went from jealousy to anger to now one of the only ways I get erect.  She doesn’t know that I feel this way but knows some and says she doesn’t remember any of the details from years ago and doesn’t trust that I won’t be mad if she says more now.  I know I was to blame for my reaction years ago but how do I get her to open up more and incorporate it into our lives now?

Dr. Stacy Friedman’s Answer

It is very common for men to get turned on thinking of their wife having sex with another man.  Not all men want to explore it in real life but if it is something that turns you on, then you may want to find out why and what about that thought is hot for you. You need to ask yourself some questions such as, what about her being with others is a turn on? What do you hope to get out of incorporating it into your life? Also, how much do you want her to open up about the experience?  Do you want her to be involved with other men while you watch, while you join, or just talk dirty about it?

Maybe she doesn’t want to be with others now that your marriage is at the stage it’s at so she prefers to not discuss it. Bringing someone into the relationship, especially into a long-term marriage can be tricky.  It isn’t something to take lightly and there needs to be a lot of trust, communication and boundaries set.  You need to know that you are always taking a risk. It can be done successfully if there is open communication but the fact that she doesn’t want to discuss it now may mean that it isn’t something that she is interested in.

At the end, if she doesn’t want to incorporate more into your relationship then you need to use your own personal thoughts and keep fantasizing about it.  If you want to try and get erect in other ways, spice up your current situation by having sex in different positions, different places, roleplaying, adding toys, discussing your fantasies together or anything that brings something new to your relationship.  This will hopefully allow you to express your desires and find other ways to be stimulated and erect so it isn’t all about you fantasizing about her with other men. Good luck!

Question

My partner and I have been together for about 15 years now.  After we had hit the 10 year mark our bedroom antics started to get a little dull and I wasn’t really enjoying sex with him as much and would often not orgasm.  We started experimenting with sex toys and that livened things up however it has got to the stage that I do not orgasm having sex with him unless I use a toy to stimulate my clitoris at the same time.  He has asked me a couple of times to have straight sex without any aids but it just doesn’t do it for me and he seems to get that.  I still love him and have not entertained the thought of going elsewhere.  Is there something wrong with me? Why do I not get off on just straight sex anymore?

Womens orgasm difficulty
Image: Couple Kissing

Dr. Stacy Friedman’s Answer

First of all, there is absolutely nothing wrong with you!  Statistics show that at least 75% of women can NOT have an orgasm through intercourse without some form of clitoral stimulation so the fact that you are able to achieve an orgasm with toys on your clitoris is a very common way for women to enjoy.

As you get older, your body changes, desires change as does the way you feel towards your partner.  You may not get stimulated the same ways you did earlier in the relationship and you may need to try different things in order to keep your desire up.   The fact that you started experimenting when you realized things were getting dull is a testament to your ability to communicate about sex and how you are feeling with your partner so it is very important to continue to do so in order to keep things working for you and your husband.

I don’t know if you have had children over the last 5-10 years but if so, that can also change the position of your uterus and potentially the G-spot inside which can affect how you orgasm while having intercourse.  Just because someone needs extra stimulation with a toy in order to have an orgasm doesn’t mean their partner is doing something wrong, if anything, it can take the pressure off of him to not have to worry about performance and focus on the pleasure of his wife enjoying sex even if toys are involved.  As long as you are spending time having foreplay and not just going right to intercourse with your toys, your husband can still feel like he is connecting with you on an emotional and physical level to be able to enjoy each other.

Would you like free professional advice from a Clinical Sexologist & Certified Sex Coach? Dr. Stacy Friedman may answer your question for FREE in a featured article on Adultsmart’s Blog! If you would like to send in a question please email askasexologist@gmail.com.

Dr. Stacy, How Do I Pleasure Myself Without Sex Toys?

Woman asking questions about sexual wellness and health

This week Dr. Stacy Friedman a clinical sexologist and certified sex coach has partnered up with Adultsmart to answer two anonymous questions which were emailed in to askasexologist@gmail.com.

Question

I am a virgin but always so horny. I always need to pleasure myself but I am getting bored of the ways I can do it as I would love a get a little kinky however I am not able to purchase any sex toys as I don’t live alone!  Is this normal? Can you help me?

Woman orgasming
Image: Virgin

Dr. Stacy Friedman’s Answer

Seeing that I don’t know all of your details, age, history, etc, I can answer basically and say yes it is totally normal to have a high sex drive as people have all different drives and there isn’t one that is considered “normal”. Since you are a virgin, you may have some built up sexual urges that are wanting to come out so you may be more horny that some because of that.  Masturbation is a healthy, normal part of sexuality so there shouldn’t be any shame or concern if you are enjoying yourself unless it is to a point where it is affecting your work, relationships, and daily activities.

There are many ways to get kinky without women’s sex toys by using different positions to pleasure yourself.  Maybe get a small bottle of lube that you can put near your lotions so it is discreet. When you take a shower, use the showerhead and see if you can get a good feeling from that or lie in a tub and let the water from the faucet run between your legs.  There are also many small sex toys you can keep in your purse that are quiet and may even be disguised as a lipstick or a blush brush so if they were found, nobody would think twice.  There are discreet pillows that can hold and hide sex toys or even lock boxes made specifically for toys to keep in a closet or drawer that nobody can open.  You can also look at some videos on your phone of some light porn if you think of things that may turn you on to give you some more ideas or to use your imagination for next time.  Hope this helps and you see that even though you don’t live alone, there are plenty of ways to pleasure yourself without any large toys to be found!

Question

With the news that has been making headlines recently about the sexual assault allegations with Harvey Weinstein, Kevin Spacey, Kesha Vs Dr Luke and the #Metoo campaign, I have found it hard to ignore memories of the bad experiences I had to face in my past. How do I manage the flachbacks I have been experiencing? What steps am I meant to take to begin coping with the sexual assault I have experienced?

#metoo sexual assault campaign
Image: Metoo Campaign

Dr. Stacy Friedman’s Answer

I am so sorry you have had to deal with any type of sexual harassment or assault as most of us women (and some men), myself included, have been through some kind of situation that sparks anxiety, frustration, and just bad feelings regarding a sexual action that was brought against us.  Being that I am a sexologist, not a sex therapist, I would highly suggest if you are having flashbacks and have never gotten any one on one therapy for the sexual assault that you have experienced, that you find a person near you that specializes in sexual trauma or abuse that maybe does EMDR to talk to.  My suggestion in the meantime until you find someone, is to do some yoga or breathing exercises that can keep you relaxed and find yourself a happy place in real life or in your mind that you can go to where it is safe and calm so you can be there while you breathe.  Know whatever happened was not your fault and you find a way to get to your inner strength, take a kickboxing class, karate class or something that makes you feel strong and do your best to move forward.  I hope you get the support you need and stay strong.

Would you like free professional advice from a Clinical Sexologist & Certified Sex Coach? Dr. Stacy Friedman may answer your question for FREE in a featured article on Adultsmart’s Blog! If you would like to send in a question please email askasexologist@gmail.com.