When we think about BDSM we have long thought of Dominance and submission but what is Defining a Switch. More recently we have thought of Christian Grey and Anastasia Steele whether we agree or disagree with E.L James’ portrayal of the kinky genre. Surveys have shown that worldwide over 90% of people have thought more than once about BDSM. But there is an aspect of the kinky rabbit hole that seems to go unnoticed, left in the dark or does not get as much attention, recognition or information.
More often than not, people will often label themselves as Dominant or Submissive. Not all of the time though, they are not 100% on that scale. Let me paint you a crude expression in the form of a picture.
Most people will fluctuate somewhere along this rudimentary scale. There will be Submissives who are more submissive than others, and Dominants who are more overtly dominantly foreboding. It comes down to the same way that no two personalities are going to be the same.
And then there are Switches. Switches are not those who cannot decide, so let us quash that myth right here and now. They are also not greedy and want to both. Another myth that we can dispel. Switches can be submissives and can also be dominants.
But, ultimately, switches like the power exchange, switches enjoy both taking power and humbling themselves to power. And each switch may look different depending on their own dynamic.
When a switch is in a relationship with a dominant, they may take on a role as a submissive. As that person’s submissive. But it does not make them submissive. It makes them that person’s submissive. Not one in general. When a switch is in a dynamic with a submissive, they will assume the role of the dominant and protector, but they will still identify as a switch, not as a dominant.
When a switch is in a dynamic with another switch, they can switch between the power dynamic, taking turns in asserting dominance whether sexually, day to day, financially or however. I once had a friend who explained being a switch sexually as a tug o war that you never knew the winner. Sometimes he would begin as the alpha, tying his partner up, taking the lead, and halfway through she would surprise him, and turn the tables, and she would take the reins, take control and put the moves on him and make him putty in her hand. I would love listening to his exploits, because it wasn’t that he let her. Never let her win, or let her take control. Sometimes, he would try to keep the upper hand, and sometimes he would win, pull the right moves that she would moan and fall under his spell of ecstasy, but not always. That was their dynamic, the power between them. He called it an art form, to perfectly execute a perfect power exchange halfway during play and sex.
Other switches will take turns being “in charge”, sometimes it may involve noone being in charge. During one of my many discussions amongst friends I had someone tell me it all sounded rather exhausting. As I am writing this, I guess that it does sound exhausting but in the heat of the moment, it is as much a part of my personality that it doesn’t require something that needs forethought or added mental strain to need exhaustion.
I don’t know if it was gender norms or stories or what that first allured me to the position of fantasising about being the submissive, about wanting to be the one who was dominated, who did what was asked of them. And I liked it, don’t get me wrong, but it didn’t take me long to work out that that wasn’t me. Not all the time. My mother had always told me I would never be happy taking orders from anybody, and in a way she was very very correct. Throughout my sexual awakening I realised I liked to push back, I liked to give as much I received. But just as I realised that I liked to push back and be in charge, I realised that I also like to humble myself, to be subservient to give up control and do as I was told. Other times of course, there were times I loved nothing more than being sassy, defiant and bratty or to go all out with a tug of war of my own and fight fire with fire with a worthy adversary.
Of course, some acts or limits a person may feel more or less switchy/dominant/submissive in. It is a scale. There are also people, who I would never dream of dominating, out of respect but also-they just don’t seem the type. I wouldn’t impose my own lifestyle on them. Consent is everything. You wouldn’t force someone to be submissive to you, or to dominate them when they are not into it.
How to talk to your partner about Switching
Communication is the key with any and all fantasies. Carve out some open and comfortable time to discuss your fantasies, do not bombard or surprise them out of the blue.
Reiterate how attracted and secure you are in your relationship.
Link it to something you have seen in a movie, or a book or porn if you are open about watching those together but ensure that you tailor it to you and your partner “I saw this scene and I was really turned on thinking about you doing this to me”
Explain why it turns you on. “I like the idea of being at your mercy, and you being at mine.” or “I want to try taking it in turns who tops.” or if you can, use the tug o war metaphor.
It could be starting out with who is literally on top during sex, or who picks the position. Use dirty talk, tell each other what you want to do, up the game by using real or verbal restraints, “If you move – I will stop.”
Switching and power exchanges can ebb and flow over time and are open to experimentation. It can be harder to grasp for men than for women as there is often the notion that men must take charge in the bedroom, but that is the glorious thing about sexual exploration, and about switching, or being a switch, it is enjoying both, experimenting with both and being open and present to both sides of the pleasure coin.
At your Service,
OhZone Sales Consultant, Educator and Dedicated Switch.
Tiffany is studying to be a future Sexologist with a current background in education and leadership. As a passionate writer; Tiffany is heavily interested and invested in all things kink, sex and pleasure. Tiffany has spent much of her life experimenting, learning, reading and seeking out as much information as she can from various sources to bring you great reads and tantalizing information.