Words from The Chaste Cyclist!

I’d like to thank you for going through these questions and letting us in to your world of chastity. You started a blog in 2015 called thechastecyclist. We’ve read through your ups and downs, your kink lifestyle, the events of your family and kids, your sex life and various goings on in your life over the previous three years. We’d like to thank you for the chance to ask you a series of questions.

Thank you for reading. I truly appreciate everyone who takes time out of their day to read my ramblings.

Chaste Cyclist Blog

In your first post in 2015 – you say that you started this blog as your exploration into the world of chastity. Why a blog, and not a diary? What drove you to putting this online for others to read?

I was talking to another person who writes a blog, The Drew Duality about his life and it included chastity. I also had read through Denying Thumper, another guy talking about and living a life of chastity. Both of their blogs were of such an interest and coupled with my love to write, I decided to give it a go. I honestly didn’t care if anyone ever read a single post. I considered this blog my personal diary.

You had had an interest in male chastity for many years – what was so interesting about it for you and when did you start taking note of it?

Honestly, it started in the late 1980’s. I have always been interested in BDSM and Female Domination. As a college sophomore I started reading those Penthouse “stories” magazines. One edition had a story about two women seducing a man at a bar, taking him home, then tying him up and doing what they wanted to him all night. I chased BDSM and FemDom ever since. It spoke to me. Fast forward to the early 2000’s. One day while cruising the web I stumbled across the Men in Pain website and saw my first photo/video of a guy with metal locked on his cock. I was hooked from there. The entire idea of someone taking control of my cock and controlling my orgasms quickly became a passion…dare I say…an addiction.

You mentioned that you didn’t always take chastity seriously, and you likened it to a game. What made you change your outlook towards chastity and start to take it seriously?

Initially, it was a game. The first time I convinced my Wife to try it and ordered our first cheap device it truly was a game that neither one of us enjoyed playing. The device was ill fitted. It pinched and grabbed at every movement. Truth be told, I didn’t last more than 18 hours before throwing in the towel. My Wife could not have been more pleased. She just wasn’t kinky at all and didn’t understand. After that initial experience, and I have written about this extensively, I started drifting mentally away from my Wife. I resorted to masturbation for my true sexual pleasure and that feeling took over my side of the relationship. After our 25th anniversary, I realized I was missing something and started searching for an answer. Chastity was that answer.

I have to ask this question as when we’re talking about kinks – not everyone is receptive. You say that it was difficult in getting your wife (MrsL) to take chastity as a serious kind of activity. What do you think changed, have you spoken about that and what was her initial hesitation in chastity?

MrsL was raised a devout Catholic and truly believed I was having an affair…well I was…only with myself and online porn. To this day, she still has a hard time with kink but it isn’t as bad as it once was. Her initial reaction to chastity, before I confessed my masturbation issue, was one of truly not understanding. However, after our anniversary trip I took the time to find some “non kinky” e-books for her to read and once she read them we discussed the concept of chastity more seriously.

What advice do you have for people looking to introduce chastity or kink into their lives?

Do your research. Determine if it is just a kink you want to explore or if you want it to be a regular part of your life. There is an adjustment.

What’s your go to comfort food?

Nice, I like how you throw this in here to bring some levity. My go to comfort food has to be…vanilla ice cream! Imagine that, I am a kinky being but my comfort food is vanilla ice cream!

In one of your posts in early October – you talk about whether or not to keep the blog going. What effort and determination is required when running a blog, and what does it take out of you – for those looking to start their own blog?

Even though I initially didn’t care if anyone read my blog, I quickly realized I had regular readers. With regular readers comes an expectation of new/fresh content. In October, I realized I wasn’t holding up my end of the bargain with new/fresh content. I was feeling guilty. I quickly got over that feeling. If your starting a blog, make sure you know why you are starting a blog. Decide if you are writing for you or for your readers. If the answer is the latter, then take steps to keep your blog updated daily. If it is the former, write when, where, and what you want to write.

You and MrsL use a journal to talk about things; kink lifestyle, what’s going on – This seems like a fantastic idea as it let’s couples work through things at their own pace. Where did this idea come from and how have you both found it useful?

It came from another blog I read with the only difference is this couple uses their blog to talk about “stuff”. We only use it for our kinky stuff.

Orgasm Denial

You’ve spoken recently about changing the type of chastity that you and Mrs L engage in, and i’d love to explore that. What does the difference between enforced chastity and devotional chastity mean to you – and what was the decision making process in that?

Enforced chastity is exactly what it says…enforced. When MrsL finally told me that she was in charge of when and how long I wore her Steelheart, I realized I truly had gotten what I had been wishing for all those years. Alas, I travel on airplanes and the plastic Bon4 device and the “custom” EvotionWearables device (3D printed surgical nylon) device caused issues…all chronicled on the blog. One of the many websites I visited and introduced to MrsL was Devotional Sex. We both read through it, individually, had a journal, and face to face conversation about the entire concept. Absent spending the money needed, and we are still planning on doing this someday, on a custom TITANIUM device that is airplane travel safe we agreed that we would live the Devotional Sex lifestyle in between stints in the Steelheart. For me, it personifies my renewed commitment to MrsL.

She is still 100% in charge of IF, WHEN, and HOW I receive an orgasm. In exchange, I still focus all of my sexual energy on her! I will admit that the feeling isn’t the same. There is something about the absolutely instant POSITIVE feedback received when locked in chastity that is electric. When you cock wants to get hard and that desire is blocked by some type of device that energy is looped back through your body. With Devotional Sex, the feedback loop is more subtle but it does build with time. For example, within an hour or two of being locked in the Steelheart, the slightest touch from MrsL sends chills coursing through my body. However, when we are practicing Devotional Sex it sometimes takes days. When I am on a known extended travel break for work the Steelheart is more present. Other times, like now, Devotional Sex is more prevalent. Of course, either way has its advantages and disadvantages for MrsL. She is very coy about which way she prefers but I think it is having unfettered access to tease me.

Kink and Couples Cuckold Play with Sir James

Today we’d like to continue our exploration of kink and fetish, and we’re proud to present Sir James from Fetish House in Melbourne. Without giving too much away he has been describes as massive, strong and rugged with piercing brown eyes. Sir James speciality interests include dominance, bondage, manhandling, heavy impact play and BDSM couples coaching.

Sir James At Fetish House

Hi Sir James, thanks for looking at this interview – I have to start at the beginning.

How did your kink journey start for you?

Well Stephen, for me I don’t know exactly what was my first kinky thought, or even that I consider myself kinky. I just love exploring sex and giving catharsis to those who also enjoy trying new sexual or intimate pleasures. If I had to pick a moment that kicked it all off I would say it was reading erotic literature as a teen, imagining what could be done with rope and handcuffs. Luckily for me the stories I read were quite inspired and included healthy consensual BDSM which lead me here.

You work at Fetish House in Melbourne (Australia). Melbourne is one of the few places around with several Kink and Fetish establishments – With Fetish House being on the Melbourne scene for a while now – what makes it different?

Fetish House has a ‘Learning First’ mentality, which I think comes through in the quality of our Service Providers. We have many years of experience to draw on, and many house slaves willing to be used as consenting teaching tools. That sort of atmosphere can only create excellence. I love knowing that if I want to improve my knowledge of needle play or extreme suspension I will be able to watch some masters at work, and if anyone wants to learn from my years of wrestling experience to improve their physical confidence and manhandling I will gladly take them under my wing.

 

Sir James preparing for an impact play scene
The Profile Photo of Sir James

Working at Fetish House – what goes into the preparation for a clients scene?

More often than not there is a short email exchange, to allow us to get a broad understanding of our clients desires and mentally prepare for what is to come. Often if a client wants ball busting, or extreme bondage there is a process of mental preparation where we have to find the right mind set to engage.

After that of course the rooms are cleaned and prepared, stocked with all the gear and more so there is no hesitation. Lastly comes an in person interview before the session, obviously we like to ensure everyone knows their safe words, the expected protocol, safety practices and hard limits and this talk is best done in person.

One of the things that you specialise in is couples coaching – in your experience what’s some of the common things that couples are most interested in when they come to you?

Often couples need to learn how to balance making a scene last so that a bottom can reach a heightened sexual, physical or mental arousal. This means the question couples really end up asking is “how do I take these few tools and sculpt a scene that lasts two hours but felt like ten minutes?” What I end up teaching them is how to build up anticipation, how to correctly bind someone so they can be in place for extended lengths of time, how to edge (delay orgasm), how to spank/paddle/cane for longer. Secretly that’s what every one wants to know.

As a fetish couples coach – what do people frequently get wrong when it comes to kink and fetish play, and how can they correct it?

Most Tops go to quickly for the end goal, they go too hard too early or they don’t tease enough. Inversely most Bottoms have preconceived ideas about what should happen, rather than enjoying themselves. Both of these can be fixed the same way which is to slow down, always taking an extra moment before speaking or acting. All BDSM practitioners either Tops or Bottoms should take their time and think twice before acting.

What’s your go to comfort food?

I personally love a good protein shake with berries at the end of the day. I engage very physically with my visitors and that coupled with my regular training can leave me very drained.

Fetish House is a place where you’ll sometimes work with other staff to create a session such as Cuckolding and Sissy Play Tag Team Scenes. For those that don’t know, what are these two styles of play and what do they mean to you?

These are very different sessions from my perspective. Cuckolding is more intimate, which makes it more thrilling for the client. That savage eye contact which a Mistress can make directed towards a cuckold as I’m entering her is what often will make their fantasy real. It’s important that when we as Bull and Mistress are talking to (or ignoring) the client it is with the express purpose of making sure they feel a certain way. For some it is happy that the Mistress is getting what she wants in the form of greater sexual pleasure, for others it’s the feeling of betrayal (in a controlled setting) which brings out a primal urge which can be very potent.

Sissy Play is more an emasculation. The taboo of being proven to be a lesser man, especially in front of a larger and stronger male, is a massive turn on for many men. Similar to how many clients enjoy being bound because it frees them, I feel ‘sissy boy’ play is similar because you can revel in being controlled by a personification of what you are leaving behind. This means when we talk or act around those clients it is more expressly about taking away pride and forcing them to do what they wont, or can’t, do by themselves.

These types of play often leave clients in a near hypnotic and hyper-sensual state, and the smiles I see on these types of people afterwards is wonderful.

Sir James Engaging with Kink and Rope Bondage
Sir James with Rope Bondage

What’s some of the elements of cuckolding that you enjoy?

Well obviously I enjoy being able to use my strength and power to bring pleasure to people. I enjoy being a person who you do not need to pretend or roleplay with, since often (at a clients request before a session) I will wrestle them into a submissive position and then bind them with rope or chains. This aspect of using my gifts of strength and size to make people feel even more engaged in their fantasy makes me feel very satisfied as a service provider.

On top of this I love seeing people happy. Being involved as a fetish provider is not about your own specific Fetish desires, but instead you have to be able to enjoy seeing others happy enjoying their specific taboo. Luckily for me that is my pleasure, and getting happy emails after every session talking about how much they love what I did to them just makes it all worthwhile.

What’s the most difficult thing when it comes to doing cuckholding scenes?

Watching everything is the hardest part. When you are a Dominant or a Top you must always be keenly aware of the entire room. The safety and the mental state of your bottom is your responsibility and obviously if you are engaged in sex with another provider you must keep yourself pleasuring them and keeping your bottom under observation. Luckily this is no problem for me with my experience, but for those at home I suggest always making sure you are cognisant of everything, which becomes easier over time.

For those interested in exploring cuckoldry – what are three tips they need to know?

1:Go slow, there is always time for going further in the future, and it never hurts to have more places to explore. This applies to all BDSM; from the size of your new buttplug to the difficulty of the rope binds you are using.

2:Talk about expectations and limits before and after. Unless your kink is being cruel and your partner is ok with that, then you should know what your partner finds arousing and what your mutual goals are. Do they want to watch? do they want to listen? do they want to be involved? If you don’t know you are missing out on opportunities.

3: Be safe. Always use protection, find a neutral place to play like a hotel, use fake names. Things rarely go wrong but it does not hurt to be safe, and it can make it more fun and exciting.

Sir James at Scarlet Blue

What’s the best bit about the work that you do that you just couldn’t give up?

The people and their reactions. I am the luckiest guy in the world because people who come to me want something, and I can give them exactly what they want. That is rare, and the grateful nature people have after we are done is perfect.

That said, I can’t lie, when people come to see me I tell them what I expect them to wear and how I expect them to act. This expectation means they put on a show for you. Seeing people in their best make up and clothes, then getting the strip them down and see them naked and aroused as they wait for your touch is the best feeling in the world.

 

Thanks Sir James, i’d like to thank you so much for your time and patience in helping us navigate through this.

 

VIP Interview With Ayzad – A Sex Scholar!

I’d like to thank you for agreeing to do this interview. As mentioned, I actually have come across your website a few times, and one of my favourite things are the posts of “Inexplicable moments in the history of sexuality”. Those keyhole posts are always so frustratingly good! I also love the subtle, yet important distinction between sex blogger, and sex explorer as well as the reasonings and research behind that. So let’s introduce you first as Ayzad, A Sex Scholar and sex explorer, owner, curator of ayzad.com where you explore unusual things about sex, sexuality, kink and fetish. You’ve written several books and articles. You hold workshops and lectures, and you also do personal coaching all from your base in Italy. There’s certainly enough there to keep you busy! Did i miss anything?

Thank you for your appreciation! The Inexplicable Moments series began as a joke when I found a few puzzling pictures online: I would have never expected it to grow so large, but it is now over six years strong and I keep stumbling on this sort of material on a weekly basis, so it might go on for a while yet. I love the wonderfully odd ways people have of distorting the very idea of sexuality… After the first laugh, those images make you really wonder about our fellow humans and ourselves, don’t you think?

About my strange job, you may have missed the training of kink-aware professionals among psychologists, sexologists and law enforcement, and organizing the largest BDSM party in Italy, called Sadistique.

 

I have to start with the basics. You were once a “traditional” journalist – how did you move into talking about sex and sexuality?

The short story is that around the year 2000 I was hit by a nasty combination of insolvent clients and a market crisis in the local publishing industry, so I took a sabbatical to nurse my business wounds and I ended up using the time to write BDSM – A Guide for Explorers of Extreme Eroticism, a book meant to collect what I had learned about erotic domination and submission games and pass it on to the kink community. To everyone’s surprise, it became a mainstream best-seller instead. Besides sparking a few interesting collaborations in the field of sexology, the result was receiving lots of letters and messages from people who thanked me for having opened their eyes onto the fact that their sexual preferences weren’t sick or “wrong”. Many readers recounted how my book saved their marriage, or pointed them to meet the partner of their dreams.

At that point I had to make a choice. Go back to a normally paid job of indoctrinating the masses into buying stuff and being scared and hateful for the fear du jour, or continue giving people the kind of information that could make them happy with their lives? The latter meant becoming financially insecure, but any decent human being would have had no doubt – and having a very understanding life partner with a serious corporate job to support both of us if I was unsuccessful made the jump definitely less scary. Almost twenty years later, the messages keep pouring in and I am still happy with that decision.

You’ve often stated that you began exploring BDSM at 18. How were your experiences when you were young in comparison to now? Has the community changed much in your opinion?

This is a great question that I actually ponder upon rather frequently myself. In many ways, the Nineties (and – ahem – the Eighties) were much darker times for kinksters. Information was rare and questionable; most people didn’t really know how to deal with their own kinks; finding play partners was a feat made even harder by the lack of digital tools to connect with each other; toys were impossibly expensive and often of very low quality… but having to overcome all of these obstacles also meant that the fewer people into unusual sexualities were also extremely committed to their play. In fact, I recall many of them recoiling when I used that word: to “old timers” BDSM (or ‘sadomasochism’, as it was known back then) was ‘work’ – a pretty serious endeavour you couldn’t treat as child’s play.

I feel that in these days the very idea of erotic power play has swung far off in the opposite direction. For all the good a better kink culture has done, people tend to treat BDSM like just another opportunity to fill their free time with, on par with Netflix or dining out. The raw emotion seems to be mostly gone, so much so that I long damned myself over this lack of transcendence. Also, always blessed be the Internet, but online dynamics frequently play a big role in shooting the community in its own foot.

So, besides the fact that on the brink of my fiftieth birthday I am young – or I do feel like that at the least – the matter is, as always, a mixed bag of good and bad. I hope that this wild swing between too much self-importance and too much mindless post-50 Shades fad will eventually settle on a nice middle ground. I am kinda seeing the early signs of that process now.

Sex is so open. There are a myriad of different experiences, genders, identities, interactions. Many people tend to use labels as a form of identification and identity – what are your thoughts on such labels? Especially when it comes to BDSM, Kink and diverse forms of sexual expression, do you feel that we’re approaching/using labels in the right way?

I’d say that labels – or better: strictly defined roles or approaches to sexuality – can be a useful starting point for newcomers to get their bearings around the immense map of pleasure. Knowing, for example, that someone else has already elaborated an attraction to the owner/pet dynamics into something structured that many people agree upon calling ‘pet play’, with all of its rituals and specialized knowledge, allows you to avoid a series of basic traps and dead ends if you harbor a similar inclination. The bad part of this compartimentalization of kink comes when you unwittingly forget your individuality and play into becoming assimilated into a certain pre-packaged view. After all, every one is different and evolving, which is why I am so keen on the notion of “sexual explorers”.

Also, I have now seen a few times the rise of true fads initiated by literal labels. The latest was probably when Fetlife added ‘primal’ among the possible profile descriptors, and so many people jumped on the bandwagon without even having a clear idea of what the word actually meant. A few years earlier the same happened with ‘brat’, and earlier still with the whole ‘daddy/little girl’ subculture. And don’t get me started on furries. I mean, trying new shoes on to see whether they fit you is fine and healthy; committing to a narrowly defined role just because all your online “friends” are doing that doesn’t sound too mature instead, does it? Oh, wait: I am playing into the role of the ancient wise curmudgeon…

With the diversity of sex, expressionism, and identity – what do you personally find to be the most fascinating in unusual sex?

This is easy. It’s the continuing quest for honesty and authenticity. Even just contemplating unusual sexualities opens your mind to boundless possibilities – and forces you in a nice way to deal with your own repressed facets, fears, desires and sense of identity. By hook or by crook, kink stimulates critical thinking and questioning yourself – which is a great path to growing up as a person.

Oh, and I also love how sex things are rarely about sex itself, so when you study them you end up learning lots of interesting facts about the world in general.

What’s something not many people know about you, that you’re willing to share with us today?

Er… that I am a collector of Japanese robot toys from the Eighties? That I am a member of Mensa? No, seriously: I can’t think of anything especially meaningful that you can’t read in my posts on ayzad.com already.

I live in Australia. With a smaller (and more centralised) population than what’s in the Americas, Europe and even Italy. It can be often difficult finding people with similar interests where you can get together for parties and events. You’re involved with Sadistique – what can you tell us about that?

Sadistique is a monthly BDSM party I have been organizing in Milano since 2005, and the spiritual sequel of an earlier endeavour called Revolution. As it happened, my kinky friends and I had been lamenting for a few years the lack of proper kinky events in Italy: we used to meet at such parties all over Europe, and it struck us as absurd that we had to travel abroad for that. So, since nobody else seemed to be willing to set up such a thing in our country, we did it ourselves. It started very small, had its ups and downs, and it finally established itself as a beloved institution for Italian kinksters.

Besides a cool steampunk-ish play space, every month it features a different workshop on various aspects of BDSM; a kinky art exhibition and a professional photo set. In addition to that we occasionally host interesting performances, book presentations or showcases of kink artisans. You should come over and see, should you happen in Milan!

On that question – there’s a dizzying array of fetishes, sexual interests, erotic interests ranging from standard to the unusual and even bordering on absurd – when one is having trouble finding connections for their kinks – what do you recommend they do for their contentment and satisfaction?

My frequent suggestion is to stop searching and making yourself findable instead. Do you recall the Kennedy quote about «Ask not what your country can do for you…»? Unusual sexualities suffer of the same misunderstanding: the kink community can actually do heaps for you, but you are supposed to serve it at the same time, even if just by participating in a constructive way. Most enthusiasts unfortunately behave like vampires who demand their particular needs to be satisfied without giving anything in exchange, whereas there are countless opportunities to contribute and make the scene better – and to shine while doing that, attracting lots of potential partners in the process.

You’re an Italian and you’ve travelled both physically and within your research. Do you think that the engagement of fetishes and fetishism depends on where we live? Does culture influence our carnal/erotic desires, or are we all just kinky and perverse beings?

I did detect a bit of geographic influence, but I believe it to be mostly a function of the different local cultures. An extreme example can be the Chinese interpretation of BDSM, but of course stereotypes and generalizations don’t help any serious analysis. The Internet is sorta flattening these differences, though.

One fun quirk remains true throughout the ages, though: whatever place and time you pick, you can be sure that locals were sure that in a different, faraway country, people were having so much more sex cultivating exotic, wonderful practices. Never underestimate the power of fulfillment fantasies!

What’s your go to comfort food?

You know that, in order to retain citizenship, we Italians are contractually obliged to talk about food at least six hours a day – so please sit comfortably and thank you for your question! No, seriously: I can be a bit of a foodie when the opportunity arises, but I am pretty forgiving on the subject. Which is a way of saying that I could list hundreds of answers, so I won’t go beyond a diplomatic «anything made with true love».

If you could change one thing about peoples engagement with sex – what would it be?

Oh. A tough one, indeed. I guess it would be erasing that lingering idea that sex is an unwieldy burden, and exchanging it with the concept of sex as a boundless opportunity for fun, pleasure and growth. That’s the principle beyond The Sexual Explorers Manifesto, isn’t it?

You do workshops, seminars and educational events. What’s one thing that comes up frequently that you wish didnt, or what’s something that isn’t brought up often enough at these events?

Education opportunities are privileged environments whose participants enter with a beautiful, unusually open mindset. The worst that I have experienced there is a tad of judgement against whatever doesn’t fit with one’s personal view of sexuality, especially in more mainstream milieus. I strive to transmit the concept of «your kink is not my kink but it’s ok», as they say, but it is not always easy – don’t forget that Italy is still a province of the Vatican, in many ways.

In that capacity, most of the true problems I have experienced so far came even before the events themselves. I am sorry that you’d have to suffer through its occasionally atrocious Google Translate rendition, but you may want to have a look at the laughable year-long ordeal I had to go through when the media and a couple of politicians attacked me… for having accepted an invitation to speak at a major university. The level of political manipulation was astounding – but it also was an exception, not the rule.

On the other hand, the one missing thing that really bugs me is the awareness about the dire need for a comprehensive education to sexuality as  part of the school curriculum, starting as early as possible. The decades-long case history of the Netherlands proves how such approach is extremely beneficial for the indviduals and society as a whole, and yet everyone seems to prefer #MeToo–like horrors to the (wholly imaginary) embarrassment of admitting that sexuality is part of life, and teaching the children about it. Mind you, this is not a matter of teaching how reproduction works, but to also address everything surrounding it with a special focus on respect, consent, diversity, sentiments and so on.

You do personal coaching. What’s involved in that for you and the client?

My own brand of personal coaching is about helping people to identify their issues related to unusual sexuality, and to plot a strategy together to solve and overcome them in the most efficient way. The key is often some information they are missing and which I have encountered in my three-decades long exploration of kink, so I am happy to put my experience at the service of the client. This is basically done through a series of face-to-face or Skype talks, so there is nothing saucy to it if that was what you meant. I would say personal coaching happens halfway between a talk between friends and a session with your therapist.

You’ve been doing this for over 15 years. What keeps you going and what’s the best part about the work that you do?

On the one hand I am fueled by my curiosity: I still keep learning new things every day, and this sort of intellectual stimulation is invaluable. I would lie if I didn’t admit that all this fun comes at a financial and social price, so of course there are times when I feel like I’d better get into something more grounded like selling bricks, for example. Those are usually the moments right before someone reaches out to thank me for how my work made their life better, though, and that makes every effort more than worthwhile.

Ayzad Sexual Scholar

Any final thoughts that you’d like to share?

I can only thank you for the opportunity to talk. This was fun and I hope your readers have enjoyed the interview too. You now know where to find me, so let’s keep in touch, shall we?

I can pore your brain all day long. Reading through interviews that you’ve done previously, and your books, and exhaustive amount of blog work on your website – it’s just absolutely fascinating. I’d like to thank you for the work that you do, for shining a spotlight on what many people find strange and odd and for the presentation of that work with humour, grace and precision. It’s been an absolutely pleasure asking you these questions and i just can’t wait to see what’s next.

Thank you again: it is a delight to interact with such a passionate fan, and – besides the usual weekly posts – I can tell you “next” is going to be a whole book about education to sexuality, but it is such a messy subject that writing proceeds way too slowly and it will take quite a long time yet.

VIP Interview With Mistress Couple – A Guide To Bondage!

The adultsmart community blog is honored to welcome Mistress Couple the Head Mistress of La Domaine Esemar the world’s oldest BDSM training facility.  Mistress couple is also the author of The Ultimate Guide Series and most recently released her book titled The Ultimate Guide to Bondage: Creating Intimacy Through The Art Of Restraint from Cleis Press.

Welcome Mistress Couple.  Let’s get straight into it – how did you first get involved in the BDSM scene?

When I was 24, I was involved in what I considered to be my first adult sexual relationship. My partner at the time was wonderful at communicating about his fantasies and boundaries, and our chemistry was the best I had experienced up until that point. For my 25th birthday, I got up the courage to ask him for an over-the-knee spanking — something that I had been fantasizing about for a long time. He agreed to the act, but after we got home from a lovely birthday dinner and I bent over his knee, he panicked. “I just can’t hit a woman,” he said. I was crushed!!! The next evening, I went out to a bar for a “Ladies’ Night” with some of my girlfriends. They all knew that we had this birthday spanking planned and asked how it went. When I told them that my partner was unable to follow through with it, many of them commiserated. At the end of the evening, my little sister’s best friend waited until everyone left, and walked me to my car. “You know,” she said, “if you’re serious about that spanking I know somewhere you can go.” That friend is now a world renowned dominatrix known as Mistress Blunt. At the time, she was secretly training at La Domaine Esemar. She brought me there for my first BDSM party, and by the end of the first night, I knew that La Domaine was to play a major part in my personal and sexual development.

You are now known as a world renowned Mistress – but that was not always the case.  You entered the scene as a slave.  How did you make the transition?

By my second day at La Domaine Esemar, I felt a deep connection and bond with Master R and Mistress Collette. I offered myself to them as a slave, and they accepted me. However, before they did, they told me that they saw that I had a great capacity for dominance and asked if I wanted to be a Mistress-in-Training. At the time, I was very naturally submissive and had a very hard time seeing myself as a Domme. It was because of the duality that they saw in me that they named me “Couple.” At the time, I was a professional ballroom dancer, and I was told that just as I learned the follower’s parts before the leader’s parts on the dance floor, I’d do the same in the dungeon. When ballroom dancers go into competition, we all wear numbers on our backs to identify us to the judges. My complete slave name was “Couple Number 69.” Through the course of exploring my submission, many misconceptions that I had about Dominance were dispelled (primarily that it was all about punishment or being mean). Eventually, I found myself attracted to a woman who was more submissive than I, and she was able to draw out my inner dominance. I soon realized that I was going to need a lot of help in growing into this role, and at that point I became a Mistress-in-Training at La Domaine.

Domme Couple

What is your definition of a slave and how they prepare for that role?

First of all, I think that it is imperative that people understand that a person should only be called “slave” if they choose the title or consent to it. In BDSM, a slave is someone who offers their autonomy to their Dominant. Each Dominant has different goals for their slaves, so preparation for the position varies depending on the couple. I require that all of my slaves strip naked upon entering my home, that they don’t wear perfume or deodorant that will cover up their natural scent, and that they practice a series of mantras and training positions so that they’re able to serve me efficiently. Many of them also have sexual assignments such as edging or chastity training.

How do you define your role as a Mistress?

I would define myself as a leader, healer, caregiver, and mentor. I like to call myself a shamanatrix , because I help my submissives to reach altered states of consciousness and learn about themselves through the exploration of BDSM. The most common comment that I get in response to people finding out that I am a dominatrix is “But you’re so nice!!!” I think that’s a common misconception that people have—that you cannot be nice and also be a good Dominant. Another common misconception is that Mistresses should always punish and never reward their slaves. People are always telling me that I’m too kind to my slaves. I think that’s ridiculous. If they were never rewarded for good behavior, why would they want to serve me? To me, without the appreciation, the rewards, and the positive reinforcement, BDSM just turns into abuse.

You are now the Head Mistress of the world famous La Domaine Esemar featured in press such as Cosmopolitan, Netfilx, The Huffington Post, People, and so many more.  An esteemed position – how did you manage to secure it?

I think that I was always meant for this position. Three years prior to becoming the Head Mistress of La Domaine, I had a premonition about it during a meditation session. At the time, I was still very submissive so I pushed it out of mind and dismissed it as merely a fantasy. I’m still not quite sure how the rest happened! Sometimes life takes you on unexpected adventures.

La Domaine Chateau

You are also a pretty good dancer and hold a degree in choreography.  Do you incorporate that in your role playing?

Oh yes! I absolutely love working dance into my training in as many ways as possible. Be it position training for submissives, a trampling tango CBT session, feminization or sissification ballet classes, learning to walk in heels, etc. My experience as a ballroom dance instructor has also proven to be incredibly useful in couples instruction or BDSM coaching sessions. It’s all about learning to communicate clearly and with ideal intent.

You have invented a ‘new form’ of dance called the ‘Tangle’.  What can you tell us about that?

Tangle is not exactly a new form of dance. It’s a class that teaches tango through the lense of power exchange and bondage. Early on in my professional ballroom dancing career, I noticed that the traditional gender roles for leaders and followers did not suit everyone. (Go figure!) This class gets rid of the gender binary and allows all folks who identify as Dominant to be leaders, and all folks who identify as submissive to be followers. Believe it or not, people learn to dance much more quickly when they’re in the role that they identify with! Some of the class activities involve learning non-verbal leading and following through leash training, practicing the tango rhythm by spanking each other, using blindfolds to establish trust, and binding the bodies together in order to reinforce connection. The class definitely makes a wonderful date night activity.

You have recently completed writing a book.  What inspired you undertake this task?

Honestly, a magical moment. I was on vacation in New Orleans, which is my spiritual/social second home. I was at breakfast with some friends and casually mentioned that perhaps now that I was 30 years old it was time for me to write a book. I didn’t think anything else of it, but at 3 PM that day, there was an email from Cleis Press in my inbox, asking if I would be interested in submitting a proposal for The Ultimate Guide to Bondage!I was flabbergasted. I saw it as a sign from the matriarchs of New Orleans, submitted my proposal,  and never looked back.

Available December 11, 2018

There are many BDSM and bondage guides and books available.  What sets yours apart from the rest?

This book really is the “Ultimate Guide.” In today’s BDSM community, there is a surplus of rope bondage and rope suspension images, instructors, workshops, etc. Unfortunately, what I have found is that knot tying can be incredibly intimidating to novice bondage practitioners. I’ve seen countless people have one frustrating experience with rope and decide that bondage isn’t for them. There are so many other forms of bondage, from mental bondage, which requires no equipment at all, to fashion bondage such as corsets and hobble skirts, mummification using bondage tape or even saran wrap… and many of them are covered in the book. I would say that only about 20% of the book is about rope bondage, the rest of the book contains information about safety, theory, the psychology behind why people are attracted to bondage activities, exploration of various types of bondage, and even some wonderful erotic essays that lend insight into participating in bondage activities.

Having looked through the book there were many pictures or images that really made it easy to follow.  Did you oversee the imagery?

I am so glad to hear that! Yes, I oversaw the imagery which was created by two of my very talented friends. Emily Dorr did the beautiful illustration, bringing some of the concepts of the book to life. I think that the first time I saw the images that she created was the first time that I thought “Wow—this is going to be a REAL book!” The photographs in the book were taken by my friend Kiki Vassilakis. That photoshoot might have been the most fun thing I have ever done! For 2 nights, we turned the La Domaine dungeon into a photo studio. I invited over about 25 of my friends, broke them up into teams, and assigned each team a few of the tutorials. We listened to music, ate great food, and created some amazing images! Creating these images together was incredibly inspiring, and having a variety of perspectives allowed us to think outside of the box and create some groundbreaking bondage images. After the photoshoot, I stopped calling The Ultimate Guide to Bondage “MY book,” and started calling it “a book that I created with the help of my community.” I am so grateful to all those who participated.

What are you most proud of in writing this guide?

Finishing it. This project was certainly the biggest undertaking of my life, and I was still running La Domaine Esemar, hosting, teaching, and sessioning while writing it! I am also very proud of some of the new ideas and perspectives on bondage that I presented. I hope that I’ve made some valuable contributions to the understanding and acceptance of bondage enthusiasts.

Is your book aimed at the newbies to give them insight into BDSM or the hardcore participants?

This book has a little something for everyone. The tutorials are simple enough for a beginner to complete, but unique enough that they might pique an expert practitioner’s interest (balloon encasement, predicament bondage, and even ice locks are covered). This book covers 10 different areas of bondage (Japanese Rope Bondage, Device Bondage, Objectification Bondage, Mental Bondage, Costume Bondage, Sensation Bondage, Sensory Deprivation, Fetish Bondage, Physically Stressful Bondage, and Self-Bondage). Even if someone is an expert in one or even a few of these areas, there are still a variety of new approaches and applications for them to explore.

What do you most enjoy about power play in BDSM role play?

To me, BDSM is not role play, it is my sexuality and an expression of my personality. The thing that I love most about power exchange is that by choosing to assume or relinquish control with a trusted partner, people can access the deepest, most secret and sacred parts of their sexualities. I have gotten to know myself much more than ever before through practicing BDSM.

When you get stressed or tired – what is the downtime activity that grounds you?

This depends on whether I want to be in a Dominant headspace or a submissive headspace while I am relaxing. If I want to be in a Dominant headspace, I cook. Cooking requires a lot of executive functions such as organization, problem solving, and multitasking, but it also gives me the opportunity to engage my senses. By smelling, tasting, feeling, seeing, and even listening to my food as it is cooking, I am honing the same skills that I use to read my submissives during a BDSM scene. I find it to be a relaxing, meditative, and incredibly sensual activity. If I am in a mood that precipitates a more submissive approach, I go out social dancing in the role of a follower. I just turn off my brain, and let the music and my dance partner guide my body around the room. It really is sweet surrender!

As well as offering [play] sessions at La Domaine, there are training sessions, too.  What does a training session incorporate?

Training sessions are for individuals, couples, and polycules up to 6 people. These sessions are instructional in nature and cover a variety of BDSM topics from relationship structuring to bondage to impact play, and beyond. They can be talk-based or technique-based.

There are many fetishes that fall under BDSM.  Are there any that you would not personally explore and what is your favorite?

There are plenty fetishes that I would not personally explore, but I’m not going to put them on blast because there is so much shame and stigma associated with fetishes and I do not want to contribute to that. As far as my favorite fetishes go, balloons, shoes, feathers, and leather are at the top of my list. To learn more about my balloon fetish, check out the erotic essay portion at the end of the book!

To purchase the Ultimate Guide to Bondage by Mistress Couple click on the book image above!!!

VIP Interview Tanya Simmonds – Erotic Author!

The adultsmart lifestyle community blog is proud to introduce Tanya Simmonds a renowned author of erotica, specializing in the FemDom genre. Tanya is a former criminal defence lawyer who in 2004 wrote her first erotic piece as a result of booking a male stripper. She went on to become a number one bestselling author on Amazon.

Welcome Tanya. So two occupations that are really polar opposites. First off what sparked your interest in criminal law? It was a brave decision to turn your back on a ‘stable’ and ‘lucrative’ career in law.

Put simply – I hated the job. It was originally driven by parental pressure, so I never really had the opportunity to discover my own identity. I was exposed to the most negative sides of life on a daily basis, and the environment thrived on rules and extremely narrow ideas about reality. It was stifling, but I was planning on my ‘jail break’ from day one. I lived very frugally, invested wisely, and after twenty-five years, I escaped with enough money to live off the interest, better than I even had. Freedom is priceless. Emoji

What was the catalyst for you to do this? You got right into it and wrote a novel a year. This would have required some dedication to your work. Where did you find the perseverance as writing can be exhausting and challenging?

I’d always had this dream of being a novelist, and now I had the time to pursue it. However, I needed a resume. I was completely unknown, and some time down the line, I learned that the easiest literary genre to get published was BDSM, specifically maledom. However, there was something about that which unsettled me. My experience had taught me that men dominating women was anything but a fantasy. Then I noticed the flipside of the coin – femdom. At face value, it was absurd and almost cartoon-like, and that made me feel more comfortable. The only problem was – I didn’t know anything about it.

Do you ever suffer from writer’s block?

Ironically, the reason I never suffered from writer’s block is because I didn’t know what I was doing (lol). After I posted my first erotic short story two years earlier, I was approached by members of the BDSM community who wanted me to write stories for them. They were more than happy to disclose their innermost fetish fantasies to me, and while it was all a bit jaw-dropping, they gave a template to work with. I also derived ideas from femdom artwork and imagery online. My task was to weave it into a story line with a common theme.

Your novels are quite unique in that they are BDSM FemDom dealing specifically with orgasm denial. I have read in your bio that this subject choice is somewhat inspired as a result of the masturbation prohibition of your partner at the hands of the Pentecostal cult. Can you tell us a bit more about this?

The more I looked into it, the more I became aware that this had to be the hook. Femdom is fantasy. Masturbation prohibition isn’t. With this concept on board, I felt more confident that I could inject elements of reality and believability into the narratives.

Masturbation prohibition can be found throughout history, up unto the present day, especially among certain religious communities and penal systems. From the church-ruled Middle Ages, to the governess culture of the Victorian era, to modern religious cults (especially Pentecostal, Mormon, and Jehovah’s Witness sects) and the US penal system; this demonstrably-lethal and sadistic monster is still alive and well in the 21st Century.

Tanya Simmonds Online

This seemed to be the theme of many of your books. What was it like to write erotica on a subject that you opposed?

Indeed, I am opposed to it. It’s an arbitrary form of torture that carries numerous identified health hazards, both mental and physical. It also demonstrates the most extreme examples of totalitarianism (the denial of an individual’s right to body and thought) for which there is no place in a supposedly-civilized democracy.

Whilst it is graphically illustrated in my novels, the personality types who enforce it are demonized with a wide variety of negative traits (hypocrisy, neurosis, sociopathy, and psychopathy.) The femdom enthusiast will lap up the scenes with eager passion, but between the lines, I am also having my say. One can’t destroy a monster without first showing it.

The following books of a series were written by you – The Paramount Rule – Book 1 The Gaol: The Paramount Rule – Book II Reformation: The Paramount Rule – Book III, Under the Paramount Rule: Tales of Oakpark Grange ending with the book ‘The Penitentiary’ Which was your favorite and why?

‘The Penitentiary’ is most definitely my favorite of the five novels. It was originally written and published in 2012, toward the end of my journey into BDSM literature. The first two, ‘The Paramount Rule – Book 1’ and ‘The Gaol: The Paramount Rule – Book II’ were very much ‘fan-driven’. By the time I got to ‘Reformation: The Paramount Rule – Book III’, I felt ready to put my own stamp on the series. Nothing like ‘Paramount Rule III’ exists anywhere else. The creativity is taken to the next level, along with numerous shock twists, and an array of diverse personality types that leads to the most controversial ending in femdom history.

With ‘The Penitentiary’, I was closer to writing the type of book I truly wanted to write than ever before. It’s very story-based, with elements you wouldn’t expect to find in a femdom novel. Set in the modern era, I used a more contemporary writing style than in the Paramount Rule series, and wrote it as an-almost mainstream novel. In addition to some extremely graphic sex scenes, it also includes strong character development, unremitting drama, action sequences, cliffhangers, and ends with two of the most jaw-dropping twists I ever wrote. It’s what I would describe as a ‘femdom thriller’, and plays out somewhat like a movie-of-the-week.

In many of your novels there is an integration of fact and fiction that has been twisted to fit the fictional femdom tyranny. Things like the penis guillotine, the nullifier, and incarcerated ban on masturbation. Did you do much research on these things?

Yes, I did, and it still horrifies me. Whilst I don’t know of any such thing as ‘penis guillotine’ to have actually existed, I did discover a few terrors that seemed to be heading in that direction. During the Victorian era, inner-spiked penis rings were fitted upon young boys to prevent night time erections. In places like Somalia today, young girls are routinely clitoradectomized by their own family members as a means of preventing sexual pleasure and ensuring chastity. Religious dogmas about sexual desire and masturbation continue to traumatize the young and impressionable in some sections of society. It has also led to documented teenage suicides. Fed on a diet of hellfire myths that make them terrified of their own sexuality, over which they have absolutely no control; it’s really not difficult to see how such tragedies can occur. And all in the name of totalitarian control.

The US penal system employs an anti-masturbation rule in most prisons today. The idea underpinning it is to prevent prisoners from ‘getting it out’ and masturbating in front of female officers as a means of intimidation. That’s fair enough. The problem is in the wording of the rule itself. It simply stipulates ‘masturbation’ and makes no reference to specific circumstance. A vindictive corrections officer can report an inmate if she catches him masturbating discreetly under the sheets with the lights out as a result of this lack of specification. This usually sends the inmate to solitary confinement for up to two months. When young, virile men are incarcerated with no access to any sexual outlet whatsoever, testosterone is going to be rife. This, in turn, will increase aggression and endanger the very lives of the officers who seek to enforce the regulation. In the UK and Europe, such a rule would be considered a serious human rights violation – as is solitary confinement. Both fall under directives which prohibit cruel and unusual punishment.

The paperback book business has taken a knock over the years with online and a couple of your publishers went bust. How has that impacted upon your career? It has been said recently that ‘The Penitentiary’ is going to be your last novel. Why?

After I wrote The Paramount Rule Trilogy, it was taken on by a publisher in the UK. Soon afterwards, they went bankrupt. It was then picked up by a publisher in the US, but they wanted me to re-edit the Trilogy into a series of stand-alones with no plot connection to one another. I reluctantly agreed, and after the release of the first one, I was head-hunted by several other publishers of erotica. These titles (The Paramount Rule, Prisoners of the Governess, Reformation, Reformation: Stronghold, Under the Paramount Rule, and The Penitentiary) were ultimately released through four publishers between the US and the UK. But, alas, it was not to last. The last publisher folded in early 2016, and the publishing rights returned to me.

In 2017, I decided to polish up my original, unpublished series, The Paramount Rule Trilogy, and release them myself. By November, 2017, I had self-published all five titles on Amazon and initiated a marketing campaign. That’s when I saw my publisher’s problems for myself. Virtually no book promotion companies will touch these titles. All of them stipulate ‘NO EROTICA’. In addition, Amazon suppresses them from public visibility so they are very difficult to discover by chance. Amazon have also recently started banning books of this nature outright. It’s only a matter of time before I receive an email from them, telling me my books have been removed from sale.

I have a plot in mind for ‘Penitentiary 2’ and I’ve had a few requests for it. But what could I possibly do with it? It would be an enormous amount of work, not to mention the expense of cover design and initial promotion (albeit with only four promotion companies that will touch them.) With so much against me, I cannot conceive of where I could go with it now.

What is next for Tanya Simmonds?

Other than being at a loose end, I do enjoy life. I travel a lot, so it’s a lot like a living vacation. Emoji

For anyone who might be interested, ‘The Paramount Rule – Book I’ is currently FREE on Amazon Kindle:

Paramount Rule Free