2021 Sexual Needs

Living in 2021

2020 has been an absolute mess, this whole year is one to put in the bin, 2021 could not come soon enough for majority of the population. Weddings cancelled, no festivals, a whole pandemic, people missing funerals, births, important milestones that should have been celebrated have been put on the back burner. Well, it’s coming to the end of the year and I think we should all have one date, a date with the most important person in your life… You.

It’s been tough and you need to treat yourself for getting through it like the absolute trooper that you are, self-care has never been more important. Honestly celebrate you however you do it, but this is my step by step guide to taking yourself on a date.

Step One:
Order your favourite take out (or cook your favourite comfort food), I don’t care if you’re on a diet, you have earned this. In a year where a lot of huge things have been taken from us, you deserve this little thing as a congratulations for getting through it. Eat that, eat dessert, have seconds and thirds and fourths, whatever fills the void that 2020 has made in all of us.

Step Two:
Run yourself a bath, get some bubbles going, light some candles, play some music (in my case I usually pop on my favourite show), and just relax. I really cannot recommend Wildfire Black more, it’s such an amazing 4 in 1 oil, but a pump or two in the bath will leave you feeling amazing inside and out! Now what you do in the bath is totally up to you, you can start the big celebrations in here if you like, nothing better than masturbating in the bath sometimes. I like to take the time to wash everything super slow and just take my time taking care of myself. It really is the little things and taking the time to go over every part of your body slowly while cleaning is so relaxing, this is definitely one of the things we skip over with the day to day happening.

Step 3:
Do your skin care! Moisturise everything! All the lotions and serums and whatever!! It doesn’t matter if it’s a 12 step routine or a 2 step, do whatever makes you feel comfortable and nourish from the outside in. COVID has really made some people forget that taking care of yourself and simply existing is so important, especially to help you de-stress from everything going on. Fuck it, put on a facemask and keep watching your shows, or listening to music, just find your zen in this time, use it to really remind yourself that you’re doing great and this year hasn’t gotten the best of you.

Step 4:
Do something you love, have a dance, bake some cookies, read a bit, go on a google deep dive, SIT ON TIKTOK FOR AN HOUR. It doesn’t matter what you do here, as long as it makes you happy you’re doing it right, self care is about making the heart happy and full. I should probably take my own advice and do some reading, I bought Midnight Sun as soon as it came out and I’m still only 15 pages in… Anyway!

Step 5:
My favourite step, of course. Masturbate!! I cannot write about de-stressing from a horrific year without including masturbation, it’s the good vibe hot spot. Again, dim the lights (or don’t 😉), light some candles, or use an oil burner you can go to the Wildfire Black again for this one as it can be used as an aroma and it includes aphrodisiacs so if the bath didn’t get you in the mood that definitely will. Get your favourite sex toy out, dress up if you want. And do you (pun intended). Nothing releases happy hormones quite like a bit of one on one time with yourself! And then tuck yourself into bed, you’ll have the best sleep of your life, trust me!

 

This is obviously just my advice and how I would do it, but the point is you don’t have to follow this, just be sure to take some time to do the things that you like, that help you feel the best you can.

2020 has been rough for everyone, it really has, and we all deserve a night dedicated to ourselves. Whether that’s from you to you, with a partner, going to a gym class, working on your car, or as I said taking care of yourself and taking care of your sexual needs.

Just be sure to make it so that at least one day this year was all about you, and end it on a good note, let’s go into 2021 taking care of ourselves and existing happily in the world, and let’s hopefully leave COVID in 2020 where it belongs.

What Does a Hookup Mean and How Do You Go About It?

online dating

In recent years, online dating has changed how people view sex and even how it is enjoyed. Casual dating has become very popular, and now it has evolved into hookups particularly among college students and young people alike.

However, many still do not know exactly what a hookup is and how they can go about it. The insights below will help you understand what a hookup is and how you should enjoy having one.

What Does a Hookup Mean?

Having a hookup is considered ambiguous by many young people. Some think it is casual sex, while others say that it has a deeper meaning than that. Well, a hookup is defined as having casual sex with someone you are not dating. It is usually a one-time sexual encounter, and the adventure is not limited to what you do. It could be any type of sex with a person you prefer.

How Do You Go About Having a Hookup?

According to many young adults and through studies conducted by universities and colleges across the world, there are many ways to hook up successfully. You can consider the following ways.

  •       Hookup apps and websites – As mentioned in the beginning, the internet has changed the way people date and communicate. Today, there are many apps and websites that help young adults to hook up and have sex with people they like. With a hookup app or website, you can see people who are interested in hookups around you, chat, and make arrangements to meet later at a place of your choice. It is highly recommended that you take the necessary precautions such as using legit apps and websites.
  •       Parties – Quite a number of hookups among young adults happen at parties. They like to have house parties where they invite friends, schoolmates, workmates, and even random acquaintances on social media. Such parties have a lot of alcohol and sometimes marijuana. From here, people can have hookups with partners they meet and get along with. In such a case, one should protect themselves.
  •       Clubs – unlike organized parties, clubs have all sorts of people. But you can still have a hookup with people you meet and share a drink with. These are more common over the weekend when people have time to drink, chat, and enjoy exclusive hookups. Hooking up in a club is riskier since you probably meet total strangers who might invite you to their place. So, you should be quick to identify red flags and make a smart decision.

Why Hookups Are Popular in Schools

According to research, most college and university students have reported having a hookup at least once during their time in school. Many claim that it is adventurous and fun. But researchers have a different view; they think that young adults are curious to try new and wild things especially when they have used alcohol or marijuana. Also, peer pressure plays a big role.

Top Benefits of Hookups

Apart from peer pressure and being curious about adventure, college students and young adults prefer hookups since they have many advantages as compared to traditional relationships.

  •       No commitment – Well, many students are not ready for any commitments even though they want to experiment on sexual matters. That is why they prefer hookups which gives them instant partners to adventure in sex whenever they want. For hookup, you just need to attend a party and pick a partner or hookup with models from an online dating app.
  •       It is full of fun – The young people, especially those in school consider fun and adventure as a good thing. In such a case, hookups are full of fun and adventure as you explore sex with new people at parties or random dating sites and apps. What makes it even better is that you get to choose who you want to hook up with depending on what you want to experience in bed.
  •       No relationship challenges – Serious relationships might be full of challenges that are overwhelming. Sometimes it is financial disagreements, lack of support for your goals, or any other. But with hookups, there are no strings attached between the two of you, which means, no relationship stress at all. That is actually why hookups are becoming popular by the day.
  •       You can have multiple partners – Hookups are part of casual sex relationships where one can as many partners as they want. If you are sexually active, you can hook up with a person of your choice any day without limitation. Once you have a good time with someone, you can hook up with another almost immediately (if you like).

Even with all these benefits of hookups, this kind of relationship can have its downside unless you take precautions. Experts say that it can be addictive to young people and this can affect them in maintaining a serious relationship later in life. So, have a limitation on how you do it.

Final Word

By now, you have more than enough insights on what a hookup is and how to go about one. You know where it all starts and even what to do to be safe. Just so you know, hookups are becoming more common by the day, but it is up to you to decide whether you will participate or not.

Ask Oz – I Can’t Orgasm!

relationship advice

Oz answers your sexual health and relationship questions.

 

Hi Oz, I’ve been with my boyfriend for seven years, since we were sixteen. He was my first and only, but I’m struggling to orgasm during sex. I do have a contraceptive implant, which my boyfriend wants me to get rid of, does that affect things? The little cheap bullet I have is no longer doing it for me either. It’s also been tricky to hold it in place during missionary. Then not long after I bring out the bullet, my boyfriend comes and it’s all over. What do you suggest I try? – DD

 

Hi DD, thanks for your email.

There’s a lot here for me to answer, but I’ll see if I can get through all this. First of all, I’m getting the feeling you two only ever do missionary position, and having gotten together quite young, and perhaps are each others only so far, this is the most common position. However, it certainly isn’t the best, especially for women.

The Cowgirl position could be of great help for you, as you get to control the pace and depth of penetration. In this position, you both get to still maintain eye contact, while also enjoying seeing each other’s bodies. This position will also make it significantly easier to apply a toy to your clit, which I’m assuming is what gets you off, since your bullet used to do that.

In missionary, with your bodies together, it sounds like the vibrations of your bullet are exciting your boyfriend and getting him to come sooner. Perhaps a toy like a Womanizer might be better suited to you, as it is a clit ‘sucking’ toy that doesn’t actually vibrate, this may hopefully level the playing field by being possibly the best external toy for a woman, and not adding extra stimulation to your boyfriend.

Alternatively, there are a few things your partner can do to slow down. Using a desentizing delay gel or spray would be the most obvious way to go. Trying something like Over Time by Wicked would be my suggestion. Once he has rubbed this white cream onto his penis, after a few minutes the cream will turn translucent, which means that firstly it has absorbed into his skin and desensitized him, but it also means that the cream won’t be transferred onto you.

It’s also good to understand that sex most definitely isn’t defined by penetration. Foreplay is a fantastic way to raise excitement, and typically an easier way for women to orgasm than during penetrative sex.

Edit: DD emailed me back in regards to this part of my reply and explained that she has previously orgasmed before intercourse, but then doesn’t feel like having penetrative sex.

All very normal, however I’d like to once again ask you to challenge your ideas of sex. Your initial email clearly puts forward that as soon as your boyfriend comes, that’s the end of the line. What if I told you that what is good for the gander is also good for the goose? Inequality is rampant in the bedroom, and if you orgasm during foreplay and don’t want to continue, that is fine. After all, that is entirely what your email was about, that only one partner has been reaching orgasm.

But you don’t have to just listen to my advice. I think esteemed sexologist Chantelle Otten summed it up perfectly in this other article: “Sex is an expansive term. If you want to learn how to have sex, you need to ditch the rule that sex is about penetration or orgasm. Successful sex is about variation, pleasure and sensation. People have sex in different ways depending on their capabilities and goals. I.e. Sex for heterosexual couples is different than same-sex couples. Sex for people with physical disabilities is different for those who don’t have a disability. But it is still sex! Take expectations and dated education, put them in the bin, and make your own rules about having fun and achieving intimacy.”

 

Friends With Benefits – Where Does That Lead?

friends to have sex with
OMG! I think that pregnancy has turned my brain to mush… It’s taken me 12 billion years to write 800 words. LOL. Just some musings about my relationships with men who are now more like my brothers than the FWBs that they started off as.

From Lusty Friends with Benefits to Luncheon Partners


I don’t really understand where that proverbial line in the sand was drawn and why I have never realised when I had crossed it. It’s a strange thing when lust becomes friendship. I’m not saying that it’s a bad thing. It’s actually probably better for my mental health that way.


This seems to happen in my life quite a bit… I’m still not sure why though. No, really! A friends with benefits from a million years ago is now like my brother. I’m planning drinks and dinner for next year with a Tinder hook-up from earlier this year. And I still have sessions of inappropriate banter with a bootie call that I met on Plenty of Fish 6 years ago.


Yeah, everyone who sees Adam and I together just assume that we are a couple. We finish each other’s sentences, poke fun at each other and even travel together. But this friendship that I have with Adam started as good old friends with benefits.

ex friends with benefits
Lunch partners


When you live in Darwin, you discover that the world is a small place and that Darwin is even smaller. Everyone knows everyone else. I met Adam through 3 different friends who all said that he had a ‘difficult personality’. Challenge accepted! That was until my friend decided that she’d call dibs on pursuing him. Honestly, I wasn’t confident enough in myself to butt in an challenge her.


Turns out that I didn’t have to. He wasn’t interested in her at all and he and I would drunk chat for hours about nothing in particular. We fell into a comfortable FWB arrangement that lasted for 12 months until we both ended up in relationships with other people. When those relationships ended we went back to our kebab date nights and movie watching minus the sex.


10 years on, I am closer to him in a brother/sister kind of way than I am with my actual siblings. We both laughed until we cried recently while on holidays. One of his friends asked him why we weren’t having sex while we were travelling and both of us automatically looked at each other, shuddered a little and burst out laughing because we both look at it as sleeping with a sibling.


Since our Tinder initiated hook up in January of this year with Mr K, a Zurich based Dom, we have remained in contact. I didn’t really think that, after Mr K left the country, we would have much more contact until he returned to visit his brother next year. But it seems that we have settled in to a really lovely friendship. The ease of real-time connectivity these days is great for interacting with friends who happen to be on the other side of the planet.


We’re already planning where we’re going to catch up for dinner and drinks next year. Because it will be relatively soon after my little boy is born, I had mentioned that to him that I may not be ready to play again. His response surprised me… ‘Just want to see you. Playing is 100% your choice’.


He also checks in with me every few weeks to see how my little baby is growing and to make sure that I’m still doing well. It all seems very civilised. It’s hard for me to trust people who are new to my life. How can this man, whom I have only interacted with a handful of times, make me feel so secure and comfortable? Much like my friend Adam, I feel as though I have known him for years!


Last and very not least is Jimmy. There’s something to be said for old fashioned country boys. Here is a man who has been messed about by entitled women and just the world in general. After many years, we have kept in contact and now have a great platonic relationship.


Even going so far as him introducing me to his new dates and bitching to me when things take a downward turn. He’s also super protective of me, but not in a jealous way. Offering to proverbially ‘teach them a lesson’ when I have had relationships end.


I love all of my protective male friends. Although, I do think that when I start new relationships, they inevitably end up feeling jealous of the bond that I have with my male friends and I end up comparing how I interact with my friends v’s a partner.


I keep thinking, is this what happens when you make friends with old fashioned gentlemen, or is just the lack of sexual expectation? Kind of a been there, done that, now it’s in the too hard basket. Maybe it’s that I feel like the permanency of a lasting relationship is hindered by overwhelming sexual attraction. Scared that once that has waned, the want to stay goes with it. Whatever the case may be I’m glad to have men like this in my life.