6 Tricks For When Your Man Cannot Get Hard

Erectile dysfunction

As a sexologist, I get an in-depth insight into one of the most intimate areas of people’s lives. It really is an honour to have people open up to me about their sexuality, this being something I do not take lightly. I understand sex to still be such a taboo in many people’s lives hence understand how vulnerable it can be to share one’s experiences.

Recently, I had a conversation with a man who had entered a new relationship and was unable to “get it up.” Seeing this person so filled with stress and anxiety about his perceived inability to perform got me thinking about the role us women play when the men in our lives are overcome with anxiety and pressure to perform.

Much of the stress and anxiety that men feel when they cannot get an erection comes from outdated beliefs that to be a man means to do everything he can to please and pleasure a woman with an erect penis. It saddens me knowing that so many men do not come to understand this as a false belief which does more harm than good. Women play such an important part in this process for men with the following some of the tools and approaches I recommend to support men through what can be a challenging time in their lives:

Allow him to express his emotions

When a man places an expectation on himself to get an erection and doesn’t, he can often be overwhelmed with a great deal of shame, frustration, anger and embarrassment. Allow him the space to express his emotions in a safe container so that rather than stewing in these toxic feelings he is given an outlet to get them out of his system. This could mean bashing a pillow, shaking, yelling (though not at you) or whatever else he does when he is feeling emotionally overwhelmed (e.g. going for a run or swim). Emotions can cause a host of problems if left unexpressed so encouraging him to express can mean the difference between staying stagnant and moving forward.

Man unhappy about erectile dysfunction
Image: Man expressing emotions

Encourage him to communicate

Men are rarely encouraged to speak about their feelings and the things that are troubling them. Let your man know that it is safe to talk about what is going on for him. Be present with him when he shares with you his thoughts and feelings on what is going on for him. It is crucial he knows that he can trust you with something so vulnerable for him.

Offer him a space to receive without any expectations of what is to happen

Offering your man a chance to receive can be a really beautiful way of him experiencing pleasure that isn’t dependant on him having an erection. A penis massage or oral sex can feel exquisite even with a non-erect penis and can be a chance for him to really drop into his body, away from his mind that is incessantly pressuring him to perform. Let him know before that an erection or orgasm is not the key of the experience and that you simply want him to receive with nowhere to get to and nothing to do but enjoy the experience.

Connect with him in an intimate way

Taking time to be intimate and sensual with your man is still really important regardless of whether he has an erection. This could mean giving and receiving a massage, cuddling, kissing or engaging in oral sex. Just because a man doesn’t have an erection, doesn’t mean he still doesn’t find you attractive or want to be sexual with you. This brings me to my next point…

Refrain from personalising the “problem”

Asking “Don’t you find me attractive anymore?” is valid however it can place enormous pressure on your man to console you when he is already in a vulnerable position. Some women can get quite upset when their man does not get an erection when engaging intimately with them and its perfectly fine to feel this way but just remember that how sexy, attractive or desirable you are should never be dependent on another person. Take care of yourself and when you feel like you are not asking from a triggered place, it can be great to ask if there is anything you can do for your man. Just ensure that if you do, do so from a place of genuine care and not for validation of your worth.

Invest in your own pleasure

As great as sex with your man can be, if he has difficulties getting an erection it can be a great opportunity to really dive into your own pleasure solo. Here are some ways to invest in your own pleasure:

These are the little things that can make all the difference between feeling victimised by your partner’s inability to get an erection and being empowered by taking your pleasure into your own hands.

Being supportive, loving and compassionate with your man if and when he faces challenges with getting an erection is such a beautiful way to approach what can be an incredibly challenging time for him.

Author: Stephanie Curtis, Sexologist

3 Major Events That Cause Loss of Libido!

Two People Sitting Looking Away From Each Other
It’s a shame we live in a society where no one likes to talk about sex. When it comes to talking about sex and male sexuality there’s an enormous amount of pressure when it comes to notions and discourses surrounding male performance, libido, penis size and the ability to induce orgasms in others. That’s not to say that there’s not pressures on female sexuality, but that male sexuality is something not spoken of often. It is little wonder then that few doctors like to talk about sex and sexuality especially in regards to illnesses such as cancer and depression.

 Three Major events that cause loss of libido are:

  • Sexual Depression
  • Prostate Surgery
  • Chemotherapy

What I often find in working in the sex industry is that we fill this need especially as stores move towards a sex positive attitude. Indeed our Oh Zone Penrith store regularly provides vacuum pumps to local urologists for post prostate surgery treatment. Depression and prostate cancer can lead to a dramatic decrease in sexual libido which can cause friction in the bedroom between partners. On top of that, many of the medications and treatments used to help with these two issues can actually further decrease sexual libido; chemotherapy and anti-depressants have, in most men, been a major contributing factor to reducing sex drive even further.

Aside from discussing it with your doctor and switching medications one of the most important things is to ensure that you are maintaining intimacy within the relationship. One can hardly be expected to go through such an event without the emotional support of their partner, and maintaining that relationship is essential. The inability to provide sex can cause many emotional problems and reducing the stress on both of you will assist in rebuilding that sex drive.  Whether this is through continual communication or whether it is through touching, cuddling and exercising together – it’s primarily about maintaining that intimacy. During these times, it does not even have to be about sexual intimacy, many men going through prostate surgery reported that simply spending time with their partner through regular date nights with no external interruptions (leave the phones at home) increased their levels of happiness.

Man Looking Down with Hand on Head

Prostate surgery is another serious issue that affects bedroom life – what many doctors don’t discuss is the potential to have a short-term or long term inability to have erections. I’ll go through some of the treatments and ideas surrounding this in a later post. This post is about supporting each other through the rough times.

Those undergoing chemotherapy sometimes report a decrease in sexual libido and this can lead to a vicious cycle of disappointment when it comes to sex. Depression develops, and the idea that being a man ties in with getting an erection can cause serious emotional trauma and dysfunction between couples. Sex after prostate cancer, is not going to be the same as it once was – that is an unfortunate reality. But that does not stop you from having fun together and still maintaining intimacy  even after

Sexual Depression and Prostate Surgery.

Nothing aggravates dejection’s sexual reactions like falling for myths about people’s sexual lifestyles. Sometimes the movies, tv dramas and romantic comedies tell of fanciful stories about sex that indent up the weight and make it difficult to perform. Here’s a rude awakening about sex:

Everyone you know is not having amazing sex constantly.

What’s more, a genuine sexual coexistence doesn’t mean you need to have a climax each and every time you have intercourse. If you are unable to orgasm each time your have sex, it may be best to take your time enjoying the sexual process rather than focusing on the outcome. Sometimes the outcome is not always possible, so if you change your personal perspective, you can be happier in the long run. At long last, recollect that for a great many people, sadness is brief and can be dealt with.

It is also noted that to achieve a level of  mental and physical health general practitioners recommended 20 to 30 minuted level of cardiovascular exercise 3 times a week to make sure your body is being kept active. Actually, practice can support both your passionate well being and your sex drive. Practice gets your blood moving, discharges a portion of chemicals that help to support the body, you will always improve your physical shape which will help your self-esteem.



Erection Problems Caused By Prostate Problems!

Erectile Dysfunction

Erectile dysfunction is just but one of the many problems that men are bound to face at a particular point in their life. It comes as a result of many things including stress, illness and other factors. Prostate cancer is one of those other factors. Although it is a rare to have the gland removed, I decided to have mine cut out to prevent the spread of the cancer. My wife and I were thrilled when the doctor declared me cancer-free after the operation. Wasn’t I a happy person? Little did I know that this excitement was not going to last  long unfortunately.

Soon after I had my prostate removed, that is when a host of erection problems paid me a visit all from that prostate gland. I think with the cancer leaving, I had to forget about having any natural erections again. My erections could not last any more than a couple of minutes. It was such a terrible time in my life although my wife understood my problem and stood by me. She tried to cheer me up every now and then. She would tell me to forget about it. She got me some pills from some shop that I have never heard of. The pills did help somewhat with the erection problem. But there came other problems- after the operation it appeared to have effected making me have premature ejaculation/leakage. I had a really hard time holding it in. I was embarrassed about the erection problems, you can only begin to imagine how I felt with this new problem. Two months without sex and I felt that I could not take it anymore. That is when I went hunting for ways to handle erection problems and premature ejaculation.

Honestly, I did not expect to find anything of substance on the internet but I was to be shocked when I did a quick search on Google. There were so many methods of solving the erectile issues I was suffering from. I started out with the pills. They did help out with the erections but I hated the fact that I needed some medication to stimulate me. I wanted my erections to be natural. So I went back to the Google and that is when I came across the a Vacuum Pumping System that by the hype seemed to work.  So I ordered it online to try it out.

After trying it out I found that it worked and I would encourage any man who has erectile problems to look for a professional Vacuum Pumping System – not one of those cheap Chinese knock offs. When you get this device you can always be sure that you will never go wrong. It is a really powerful tool that provides more than just solving erectile dysfunction.   After further researching it I now know that the vacuum pump method of solving erectile problems has become extremely popular for men with erectile dysfunction due to prostate removal. Many doctors recommend it – I just wish mine had earlier.

Curing Erection Problems

At first I was hesitant to use this pump. It looked menacing and I feared using it on my penis. However, I considered the fact that my wife was almost giving up on our sex life and I had to make up my mind. Remember I had tried out the pills?   So this was my only other option. It is a really great tool, easy to use and produces great results. Using together with a penis ring or any other band, you can maintain a healthy erection without having to alter the body’s blood composition with pills. How the penis pump works

There are so many different types of penis pumps and each works a little differently but basically, there is the cylinder that you will fit over the penis and then there is the pump that will create a suctioning vacuum force.   What happens is that the as you pump a partial vacuum will be created around the penis and thus blood will be drawn into the penis. This of course translates into an engorged penis. As you increase the vacuum, there will be an increased different between your blood’s pressure and the pump pressure. Thus, you should use it moderately.

I had to learn to fight my greed to have a larger penis. When too much pressure is applied instead of a harder penis, you can damage the blood vessels. To be on the safe side I therefore recommend that you use a really high quality Penis Pump. One that guarantees results. A pump like that is perfect and great because not only well it be comfortable but it is also very safe for use. On top of that, these pumps can also be used to enlarge the breasts, nipples, clitoris and even testicles if you wish to incorporate it with other sexual play. There are different cylinders that are used to achieve this.

The pump however has one drawback in that it is not a permanent cure for erection problems because if you do not pump for a long time, the penis will simply revert to its normal size. This is why the penis/cock rings are used. The penis ring will prevent the blood from flowing back into the body after pumping. However you do not need to worry, it is not like the blood will flow back instantly. It will take several hours before the penis returns to its usual size and as you use it more frequently the results last longer sometimes up to days.

A bigger penis is always better when it comes to satisfying your partner. Luckily the penis pump is a two in one tool. Not only did it give me that superb erection I was looking for, but I have noted a significant increase in the size of my penis. I have been using the pump for about six months now and the increase in the size of my member is notable. I did some research and what I discovered is amazing. Honestly I had no idea that the penis is made up of muscles like any other muscles in the body. What would happen if you started going to the gym to exercise your biceps? The same thing happens to the penis. When you pump, the muscles increase in size and volume and thus are able to accommodate a larger volume of blood.

There are so many other ways of increasing the size of the penis and handling erection problems but I personally prefer the penis pump as it is natural and surgery option I did not really care for and was very expensive. Together with the penis ring I have struck the metaphorical two birds with one stone. The pump gives me that erection I need. The ring will prevent the penis from losing blood whilst controlling the semen. This allows me to last much longer without ejaculating and when it get to that, my orgasms can only be defined as body-shuddering. They are powerful and I love it. I am able to satisfy my wife and I also have my confidence back. I do not use the pills anymore and I do not have to go for surgery to get my blood flowing. Penis pump in my opinion is the way to go.


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