Miss J Domme VIP Interview

Hi there Mistress J – i’d like to thank you in advance for your time in looking through these questions. FemDomme is something that a lot of people are curious about and these questions will allow people to see a little bit more of you, as well as help our readers work through their curiosity and explore a unique fetish.

I have to start at the beginning and ask – how did you get into domming? Was it a natural process, or was there an a-ha moment?

At first, I got into being a professional Dominatrix because I needed the money and thought it would be easy money. I soon found out that it’s not easy money at all and it takes a lot of hard work. I walked out of my job in a psychiatric hospital in New Jersey in 2011. I was tired of working in a system where I would do double shifts all the time and still had to decide whether to put food in my fridge or play the light bill. Don’t get me wrong it can be feast or famine as a professional Domme and sometimes you are making a lot of money and sometimes you aren’t making any money at all. That’s why I also prefer to have my eggs in other baskets rather than just the pro-Domme thing but even those other baskets have to do with BDSM. In August of 2012, I started putting ads up on backpage and craigslist. Craigslist was always a pain in the ass and I got the majority of people from backpage anyway. My first session was with a man who liked his balls kicked and who like to worship feet. I enjoyed what I got to do with him and I enjoyed the money for something I actually enjoyed. I never had any formal training but I had the right attitude, always practiced safety, always got consent and negotiated a scene, always communicated and established a level of trust. To me, those things have always been common sense but some do not have common sense. I have also been pretty dominant throughout my life so this came naturally to me and things I didn’t know about I researched.

How large is the BDSM community in Denver, Colorado?

  In my opinion the BDSM scene in Denver Colorado wasn’t like the east coast scene for me. I am from the Lehigh Valley Pennsylvania and always had an easier time on the east coast getting clients and having people to play with. Denver was a little slow for me and I don’t think I was ready to slow it down so in July I moved back to Pennsylvania. I do think the spanking community is huge in Denver but I don’t always fit in with the spanko community and I think it is because they see that I am really big into the BDSM scene and maybe that makes them nervous that I might not respect their limits. I did meet some great people at some of the spanking parties I attended in Denver and had the pleasure of meeting Michael Masterson (realspankings.com ) and got to watch him film some spanking videos at his studio in Denver. I did meet some excellent Dommes out there who are truly masters at what they do, Miss Victoria Marx and Domina Elle. I had a great time playing in their dungeon and got great vibes and great energy from them. I never worked out of their dungeon in a professional capacity but I did attend a party or two at their dungeon.

What’s one of your favorite things about taking control during erotic play?

Some of my favorite things about taking control in erotic scenes are of course the giving up control to me and the trust they put in me to do that. Basically, I get off on the power and trust and the connection I have with people while playing.

MIss J Lair

One of the things that i find most fascinating is that whilst you identify and play as a Domme – you are in a Ds relationship as a submissive to your Sir. How do you navigate through that difference in head space – between work and pleasure? Is there a difference at all?

When I moved to Denver it was to go live with my Sir who is a sadist. He and I communicated, negotiated, established trust, discussed limits many months before I moved out there but you never really know someone until you live with them. I actually wanted him to train me to become a heavy bottom but that didn’t happen. It didn’t happen because I realized he was full of shit and not a real dom. He was constantly yelling at me when I wasn’t in total agreement with him all of the time and he didn’t respect my limits many times. There were also a few times when he put his hands on me out of anger and the last time he did that I decided to move back to Pennsylvania. Believe me by that time I was very homesick for my lush green state and just needed to get away from him because I knew things were not ok. At first, we were in negotiation for him to move to Pennsylvania but I realized later why he didn’t want to, I have a heavy female influence out here kink wise and vanilla wise. Strong women who would have had my back when I told them about him. I also have men on my side out here who would have never let him get away with the abuse. So he basically pulled a cult move on me and got me away from everything I know and family and friends and what he wanted was to control me but I fought tooth and nail every day. I say that to say this, anyone thinking about getting into a D’s relationship needs to be careful because there are many who call themselves dominants but they are really domineering and it can turn into a very bad situation. The relationship I was supposed to have with him was supposed to be nurturing because that’s what a D’s relationship is supposed to be about and both of us getting what we really wanted and sex of course 😉 The professional Domming I do has nothing to do with sex though. Only when I am in a relationship with someone there might be sex involved but I definitely don’t get involved with clients sexually. It’s a total difference being in a D’s relationship compared to being a professional Dominatrix. I get pleasure from both but only one involves sex.

You state, ‘I am argumentative, bratty when I don’t get what I want, opinionated, headstrong, and independent and I have a problem following orders or any kind of chain of command’. How does your ‘sir’ handle that?

Yes I can be argumentative and bratty when I don’t get what I want but I am a Domme and used to getting what I want so that’s my excuse and I’m sticking to it 😉 I do not think my sir was a good dom mainly because I know what a good Domme is and refuse to listen or submit to anything less than that. He couldn’t handle me being opinionated, headstrong and independent even though he stressed those things that he wanted in a woman during all of our months of communication but I soon found out that it wasn’t really what he wanted, He wanted someone weak and timid who he could step on and push around and become totally dependent on him. He soon found out that he couldn’t do that to me and it really created a volatile situation.

Have your friends, family, partners been supportive of you being a professional Domme?

My friends and family, most of them know what I do and have been supportive. As far as partners go I don’t think a man will ever truly trust what I do because it’s in the back of their head that I am having sex with clients and not being truthful. Just my opinion though and let’s be clear, I DO NOT HAVE SEX WITH CLIENTS!

 Have there been any challenges and how did you overcome them?

There are challenges in doing what I do. Early on I was worried that I might not look the part of or have the right clothing and too worried about other Dommes who might have better clothing and equipment. I realized later that equipment and clothing have nothing to do with it and it’s about your attitude and how well you can improvise without all of that equipment, your knowledge of BDSM and leave someone happy that they came to see you.

When I first started out I was using a hotel in a not so nice area so it was hard to establish trust just because of that but I always appreciated those who put on their big boy panties and came to that hotel to play. Some of those guys are still with me to this day and we sometimes talk and laugh about that cruddy hotel they came to and how nervous they were just to walk into the hotel. Another challenge is that vanilla friends and family don’t understand that I don’t work a 9-5 job and yes I might have more free time but when I want to work then I want to work and it can be at odd hours. I also have to shut my phone down at certain times or it turns into a 24/7 job and nobody wants to work 24/7. Lots of men have no care in the world when they contact you even when times are clearly posted so sometimes you have to shut shit down. Then you have the time wasters who want to send incessant emails and texts and who just want to get off but will never book a session with you. So I have learned to give these guys very little wiggle room to manipulate me or my time. I have also become very adept at distinguishing the real from the fakes when they make contact with me.

Miss J Leg Fetish

You say on your website: “I am really into quite a bit of mind-fuckery.” – Could you explain what that entails?

I am into a bit of mind fuckery. I like tying someone up and pull out my throwing knives. Of course, I am not going to throw them but the look in their eyes and how their breathing changes are priceless. Or have them tied and show them knives and then blindfold them and run cold knives across their flesh. I also enjoy knowing someone’s’ limits such as not getting hit in the balls and then pretending I am going to hit them in the balls just to watch how they react and jump. FYI I always respect people’s limits. Another favorite is a roleplay session where they try to dominate me and take control and I turn the tables on them and show them how a Lady really takes control.

What makes a good submissive to you?

My favorite submissives are alpha subs. They aren’t subs you can just step all over. They are secure, independent, intelligent and not necessarily what people think about when they think about submissives. Nobody wants a weak submissive and I have a sneaking suspicion that those who want a weak submissive might be quite predatory in nature and not necessarily good Doms. Again that is just my opinion because of some of my experiences in this lifestyle. I love submissives who truly want Mistress to be happy and do what she wants even if it isn’t something that is not a particular interest of the submissive’s.  They will do what they have to for Mistress and believe me not all of them are built like that. I find the older gentlemen to be a bit more like that than younger men. I don’t enjoy bratty submissives at all. I won’t tolerate it because most are being bratty to get what they want and I won’t give them what they want for being bratty.

What makes a good dom to you?

A good Domme is one who respects limits, negotiates a scene, has consent, safe and sane, respects privacy and establishes a trust level.  A good Domme should be able to read people very well and have the ability to call a scene right before the submissive calls it. A good Dome doesn’t really want to hear a safeword called because they want to remain in control the whole time and if a sub calls it first you gave a little bit of control back to them. A good Domme isn’t abusive and respects someone’s limits.

What’s your go to comfort food?

I can’t say that I have favorite comfort food but I do really love peanut butter and bananas together.

What’s one of your favourite activities to do when youre domming?

Some of my favorite activities are needle play, ballbusting, heavy impact play, humiliation, nipple torture, CBT, spanking and paddling, and roleplay.

If i may – What’s your favourite activity to do when you’re subbing/bottoming?

Some of my favorite activities while I bottomed were nipple torture although I cannot handle clamps on my nipples, my leather strap being put to my inner thighs, hit on my back with my bamboo loopy, being spanked and I liked to be bit. Of course, I needed build up for all of this and my sir at the time didn’t try to build me up first. He expected me just to take things without a warmup.

I love the idea that you explicitly state that you’ll listen to your subs interests – a lot of Domme’s don’t necessarily worry about that. What sets you apart as a domme, and what can people that sign up for your tribute services expect?

I do listen to my subs. I like someone to give me information on things they have done and would like to try and their limits. This lifestyle is about communication and these are things I need to know to be able to negotiate a scene with someone and to play safely.

Miss J Fetlife Profile

What sets you apart from other Dommes?

 I don’t know what sets me apart from other Dommes except that I am real, I don’t bullshit and pretend to be something I am not. I think many Dommes have something to bring to the table even though their whole style might be different than mine. So with that being said just be real and the clientele you are supposed to have will gravitate to you and ones who aren’t pulled to you will hopefully find a Domme that is better suited for them. Anyone who comes and sees me can expect someone who loves what they, have a fun session, and that I will always respect their limits and privacy.

If there was one thing that you could change with how people view FemDom and domination – what would it be?

There are a few things I would like to change, how people FemDommes and domination. First of all, some think being a Femdomme means that you also hate men which isn’t true at all and as a matter of fact I love men. I also think some think we just pull people off the street and beat and torture them which is definitely not true. We run off rules in BDSM, basic elements to practice our art safely. People also don’t realize that these relationships are supposed to be nurturing, not just a bunch of yelling, torturing and giving orders. It’s a lot more than that. I wish more people would research BDSM and get rid of their misconceptions about BDSM. I would also appreciate if newbies would do some research into their own submission before contacting me because I believe it is their responsibility to themselves and to me to do so.

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