Dr. Stacy, How Do I Pleasure Myself Without Sex Toys?

Woman asking questions about sexual wellness and health

This week Dr. Stacy Friedman a clinical sexologist and certified sex coach has partnered up with Adultsmart to answer two anonymous questions which were emailed in to askasexologist@gmail.com.

Question

I am a virgin but always so horny. I always need to pleasure myself but I am getting bored of the ways I can do it as I would love a get a little kinky however I am not able to purchase any sex toys as I don’t live alone!  Is this normal? Can you help me?

Woman orgasming
Image: Virgin

Dr. Stacy Friedman’s Answer

Seeing that I don’t know all of your details, age, history, etc, I can answer basically and say yes it is totally normal to have a high sex drive as people have all different drives and there isn’t one that is considered “normal”. Since you are a virgin, you may have some built up sexual urges that are wanting to come out so you may be more horny that some because of that.  Masturbation is a healthy, normal part of sexuality so there shouldn’t be any shame or concern if you are enjoying yourself unless it is to a point where it is affecting your work, relationships, and daily activities.

There are many ways to get kinky without women’s sex toys by using different positions to pleasure yourself.  Maybe get a small bottle of lube that you can put near your lotions so it is discrete. When you take a shower, use the showerhead and see if you can get a good feeling from that or lie in a tub and let the water from the faucet run between your legs.  There are also many small sex toys you can keep in your purse that are quiet and may even be disguised as a lipstick or a blush brush so if they were found, nobody would think twice.  There are discrete pillows that can hold and hide sex toys or even lock boxes made specifically for toys to keep in a closet or drawer that nobody can open.  You can also look at some videos on your phone of some light porn if you think of things that may turn you on to give you some more ideas or to use your imagination for next time.  Hope this helps and you see that even though you don’t live alone, there are plenty of ways to pleasure yourself without any large toys to be found!

Question

With the news that has been making headlines recently about the sexual assault allegations with Harvey Weinstein, Kevin Spacey, Kesha Vs Dr Luke and the #Metoo campaign, I have found it hard to ignore memories of the bad experiences I had to face in my past. How do I manage the flachbacks I have been experiencing? What steps am I meant to take to begin coping with the sexual assault I have experienced?

#metoo sexual assault campaign
Image: Metoo Campaign

Dr. Stacy Friedman’s Answer

I am so sorry you have had to deal with any type of sexual harassment or assault as most of us women (and some men), myself included, have been through some kind of situation that sparks anxiety, frustration, and just bad feelings regarding a sexual action that was brought against us.  Being that I am a sexologist, not a sex therapist, I would highly suggest if you are having flashbacks and have never gotten any one on one therapy for the sexual assault that you have experienced, that you find a person near you that specializes in sexual trauma or abuse that maybe does EMDR to talk to.  My suggestion in the meantime until you find someone, is to do some yoga or breathing exercises that can keep you relaxed and find yourself a happy place in real life or in your mind that you can go to where it is safe and calm so you can be there while you breathe.  Know whatever happened was not your fault and you find a way to get to your inner strength, take a kickboxing class, karate class or something that makes you feel strong and do your best to move forward.  I hope you get the support you need and stay strong.

Would you like free professional advice from a Clinical Sexologist & Certified Sex Coach? Dr. Stacy Friedman may answer your question for FREE in a featured article on Adultsmart’s Blog! If you would like to send in a question please email askasexologist@gmail.com.

Orgasmic Childbirth, Is It Really Possible?

Orgasming during childbirth

When you think of child birth, chances are the words “orgasmic”, “pleasurable” and “blissful” do not come to mind. Hollywood has done a spectacular job of conditioning people to believe that childbirth is a crazy and traumatic experience for all women. Just think of what you have seen in the movies and television shows – The sweaty, screaming woman lashing out at her partner, hesitant and in pain wishing that the experience would just be over with… the woman being rushed into an emergency ward, thrown into a wheelchair by an anxious nurse and taken to a room where her legs are pried open with stirrups as she brings a child into the world accompanied with agonizing screams. If this has been your only exposure to child birth, you may be quite sceptical when I tell you that some women’s experiences of giving birth have been extremely pleasurable.

Woman hugging partner during childbirh
Image: Woman Hugging Partner

Debra Pascali-Bonaro the founder of the Orgasmic Birth movement and creator of the documentary describes Orgasmic Birth as the following:

“Orgasmic Birth can be the blissful waves in between contractions. One can enter this altered state and ride the waves of sensation, expanding into the pleasure and increasing sexual energy and the hormones consuming one’s being. Riding the wave creates a peaceful, total body sensation that lingers as energy is exchanged between you, your baby and your partner. Birthing in love is a state of filling your entire body and being with oxytocin, the love hormone, and surrendering to the power within.”

It sounds a little bit esoteric reading the description however after watching some interviews and doing some research, I discovered that a pleasurable birth is a very realistic and achievable experience for many women based on science. Orgasmic birth does not necessarily mean having an orgasm whilst giving birth (although this is a possibility for some women). The idea behind an orgasmic birth is to surrender to the body’s natural ability to give birth blissfully.

Newborn baby with mother
Image: Woman Kissing Baby

Western Society’s Views On Childbirth

For some time in western society, child birth has been viewed as a stressful medical emergency requiring specialised intervention from surgeons. I completely understand the need for medical intervention in certain situations where the mother or child are at risk of complications and I am incredibly grateful to live in a time where mother and infant mortality is preventable in the majority of cases. I do however see that many woman have been convinced that all instances of child birth are to be medicalised with this certainly not being the case. Women’s bodies are made to give birth, heck they’ve been doing it since the beginning of human existence!!

The Feelings Of Shame With Orgasmic Childbirth

Upon reading comments on many of the orgasmic videos I viewed, what struck me most was the divide between people’s opinions of this experience. Shame around sexual energy when giving birth was rampant, with some people mentioning paedophilia and how wrong it was to give birth whilst having an orgasm. I understand that a pleasurable birth goes against what many people have been taught is “normal” however isn’t sexual energy what conceives a child to begin with? Would it not be a beautiful experience for a child to be born into this world from a mother who is in joy and pleasure rather than pain and agony? There is nothing wrong or perverted about a woman in pleasure during childbirth. The idea that woman have no other option but to suffer throughout childbirth is false and out-dated. Experiencing pleasure is the birthright of every person on this planet so if pleasure during childbirth is a possibility, I believe all women must be made aware.

Newborn baby who had a water birth
Image: Water Birth

The Documented Experiences Of Orgasmic Childbirth

Although a rarely documented experience in peer-reviewed medical literature, there have been numerous reports of pleasurable experiences with birthing children. Orgasmic birth has occurred unexpectedly with some women, others have done months of preparation to get their body & mind in the space to have this experience. From what I have read and what I have come to know about women, trusting one’s intuition and bodily wisdom is the gateway to an ecstatic birth. Instead of been confined to a hospital bed lying on one’s back, some women need to allow their bodies to take over and guide them during childbirth – this could mean being in a range of different positions, making sounds, breathing and moving the body intuitively. Human beings are mammals and like all species of animals, we have an innate knowing of what needs to be done to birth a child. Coming back to trusting our body requires dedication and commitment however the repercussions of this during birth can be phenomenal.

The Orgasmic Birth Movement

What resonates most about the Orgasmic Birth movement for me is that the founders advocate for woman having a right to choose how they give birth rather than needing to follow the western status quo of childbirth needing to occur in a hospital bed. They do not judge women who choose to have caesarean’s or medicated births, they are simply opening people’s minds to the potential of other ways. It is important that women have this awareness and are encouraged to make an empowered decision based on their specific circumstances rather than being left to believe that there is only one way of having a child. After childbirth, you can use Kegel Exercisers to strengthen your pelvic floor muscles.

Author: Stephanie Curtis- BA Nursing

Meet the newest member to our team of experts. Stephanie Curtis is a sexologist with a huge capacity to care. Involved in spirituality and tantra her articles are professional, articulate and interesting. Enjoy Steph’s writings at the adultsmart sexual wellness and health blog.

Are You Struggling With Sex And Shame? Let’s Chat

The sex talk

Working in an adult store, I am grateful to have met people from all walks of life. From 18 year olds to 80 year olds, I have engaged in conversations with people who have a range of beliefs and values in regards to sexuality and sexual expression. Some people are really open to discussing all things sex related with me, others cannot even make eye contact with me the entire time they are in the store. I see many people who feel embarrassed simply by being in the store and despite my own comfortability with sex, I empathise with them because it hasn’t always been this way for me.

My Insights Of Sex And Shame Working In An Adult Store

Shame around sex is widespread in our society, with many misperceptions of what kind of people would visit an adult store. The most loathed question I get asked when people know I work in an adult store is “Do you get lots of weirdoes coming in?” It is funny that this is often asked by people who are coming into the store themselves! Often, I feel like asking “Does the fact that you’re in here make you a weirdo?” but I refrain as I do not wish to offend others. I see this question as a perfect opportunity to educate people and destigmatise the sex industry. A study completed by asexual expert Anthony F Bogaert in 2004 estimated that approximately 1% of the world’s population is asexual (i.e. has no desire for sex). This means that 99% of human beings in the world are in one way or another, sexual beings. I understand that many people have ideas about what kind of people would buy sex toys but the truth of the matter is, the desire for sex is not reserved for a small group of “weirdoes”- almost everyone likes sex and exploring its possibilities using sex toys is enjoyable for countless people!

How Crucial The Need To Normalise Sex Is

Working in this environment is not just about selling sex toys like many people would think. My role involves getting people to feel comfortable discussing a very intimate area of their lives so that I can help them in the most effective way possible. This can be challenging at times, especially when people are so engrained with the belief that sex is dirty or wrong. Having people open up to me about sex requires me to feel extremely comfortable with my own sexuality otherwise it is an awkward conversation for all involved. I feel that this is where some parents go wrong when talking to their kids about sex. They wonder why their children or teenagers cringe when they bring up the topic when they themselves are cringing inside when talking about it to them. Talking about sex to anyone in a personal or professional context requires a great level of comfort in your own sexuality.

Couple kissing in bed
Image: Couple Kissing

As well as customers coming in buying sex toys and sexual health products to assist them to have a pleasurable experience, I have many people coming into the Oh Zone Adult Lifestyle Centres who have been referred by doctors and specialists. Penis pumps and cock rings are often recommended to men post-prostate surgery, menopausal women who have issues lubricating naturally frequently require personal lubricant when having sex and women with weak pelvic floor muscles benefit from using Kegel exercisers which we sell in store (In my opinion, every single woman should be using them-just saying!!). This group of people can be the most terrified, with many of them never imagining the possibility of entering an adult store until their doctor recommended them to. I really love that I have an opportunity to demystify adult stores for them and often see them coming back curious to expand this new-found world.

Gender of staff is something I have found interesting to notice customer’s reactions to. I get many women coming into an Oh Zone Adult Lifestyle Centre telling me how relieved they are that there is a woman behind the counter. On the flip side, I have had some men express their discomfort talking to me about sex because of fear of saying something inappropriate because I am a woman. We are often taught to only discuss sex amongst people of the same gender which I believe is limiting the potential of amazing conversations with others. My male friends offer me a unique perspective of sex that comes from the fact that they are men and for that I am so grateful to be able to talk to them about it. All the men and women who work in the Oh Zone Adult Lifetsyle Centres are super friendly, non-judgemental and more than willing to assist anyone of any gender, age or sexual orientation in finding products that suit their unique needs. It can be a really confidence boosting experience talking frankly about sex with someone of the opposite gender when we have been discouraged from doing so in the past hence why I encourage you to push your comfort zone and try it one day.

Sex toy shopping and shame
Image: Shame And Sex

At times, I feel sad and disheartened that in this day and age sex is still a somewhat shameful aspect of the human experience. However, with so many beautiful, healing, pleasurable and exciting possibilities existing in our sex lives, I relish the fact that I get to work in an area that encourages freedom, acceptance and openness with our sexuality. For me, nothing compares to the feeling of seeing people light up when given the opportunity to be transparent about such an intimate part of their lives.

Author: Stephanie Curtis- BA Nursing

Meet the newest member to our team of experts. Stephanie Curtis is a sexologist with a huge capacity to care. Involved in spirituality and tantra her articles are professional, articulate and interesting. Enjoy Steph’s writings at the adultsmart sexual wellness and health blog.

Dr. Stacy, How Can I Achieve An Orgasm?

Woman with a happy sexual lifestyle

This week Dr. Stacy Friedman a clinical sexologist and certified sex coach has partnered up with Adultsmart to answer some of your deepest and most intimate anonymous questions from Reddit.

Question

I am a woman who is having difficulty achieving an orgasm.

When you talk to women like me what advice do you tell them?

Dr. Stacy Friedman’s Answer

When being intimate, the main focus of sex should be about enjoying the journey, focusing on the pleasure and not being concerned about the performance.   Of course, having an orgasm is definitely an important part too, especially for women, but it isn’t always easy for a woman to have an orgasm.   Not because the lack of trying, but some women may not understand what is needed to help themselves achieve the big-O.  Some women can orgasm through vaginal sex, while some can only have an orgasm through clitoral stimulation.  Believe it or not, about 75% of women must have clitoral stimulation to orgasm, so if you are concerned that you are only able to do it on your own or with your partners help orally or manually, you are not alone- actually, you are the majority.  So what can you do to help improve your chances of having an orgasm?

Sexually fulfilled woman
Joyful Woman On Her Bed
  1. First, make sure there are no medical conditions that are keeping you from having an orgasm such as conditions that may have sexual side effects, any nerve damage, or medications that you take, which may reduce sensitivity, such as antidepressants. If all that is good, then it may be something more in your mind, which is keeping you from feeling the pleasure.
  2. Masturbate! If you don’t know what you like or how your body reacts to stimulation, how can you expect your partner to know?  People enjoy different sensations and get turned on by varied types of touch.  It is up to you to know your body and to take the time to learn what touches feel good and what places on your body can be more sensitive.  Put on some soft music, turn down the lights, and go into bed or maybe even a bathtub and begin. Start slow; make sure you are able to relax someplace where you won’t be interrupted.  There are no rules on how or what to do, just as long as you do something that feels good.  You have to clear your mind and focus on the feelings you are producing and allow yourself to breathe. Which brings me to the third suggestion.
  3. Learning how to be in the moment, to enjoy the sensations and feelings you are experiencing is very important for women.  We are always thinking of laundry that needs to be done, errands that need to be run, kids that need to be taken care of and everything else under the sun.  Breathing slow, deep, purposeful breaths can put us more into a state of relaxation so we can focus. Women especially, need to be more mentally and physically in tune to themselves when trying to have an orgasm, so learning to relax and breathe is very important as it allows you to be present with yourself.
  4. Get in the mood. If you are with a partner, communicate with them and work together to prime each other up throughout the day.  Start with verbal communication, such as sexy words and thoughts, flirty texts and doing things that make you feel sexy!  Put some lingerie on underneath your clothes, do your make up, get a pedicure, read “50 Shades of Gray”, dab some clit stimulating cream between your legs through the day so you feel a slight throb as you think of what’s to come.  Creams that have L-Argenine are great for bringing blood flow to the surface, so look for creams that may include that ingredient.
  5. Don’t be afraid to help yourself while being intimate or having sex! If you have a free hand or a toy, use it!  Don’t be shy! Since the majority of women orgasm through clitoral stimulation, you have a better chance to enjoy an orgasm if you manually stimulate yourself or use a toy during intercourse to help bring you where you want to go!  A silver bullet is a great starting toy, since it’s easy to use and lots of fun!
  6. Position, position, position! Play around with different positions, amounts of pressure and motions to learn what works best for you. Prop yourself up with a pillow under your hips and move with your partner in a slightly circular, grinding motion.  This will help put some pressure and friction on the clit, which stimulates the nerves just at the right spot. Playing around with different movements, speeds and techniques can be the ticket to better orgasms and most importantly, take the time to enjoy sex for pleasure and not performance.  That will also help determine your potential for orgasmic bliss!

An important take away is that you are responsible for your pleasure and orgasm. Your partner can help for sure, but it is the woman’s responsibility to know herself and her needs so she can be open to allowing her mind and body to enjoy what the journey has to offer.  The closer connected you are to your partner and the more warmed up you get ahead of time, the more likely you will have success in allowing your body to enjoy an orgasm to its fullest potential!

Would you like free professional advice from a Clinical Sexologist & Certified Sex Coach? Dr. Stacy Friedman may answer your question for FREE in a featured article on Adultsmart’s Blog! If you would like to send in a question please email askasexologist@gmail.com.

10 Sexual Performance Boosting Yoga Positions

Yoga for improved sexual function

There has been much talk about the benefits of yoga and what it can bring to the table. Well, you need a pretty darn’ big table if you want to see all of the goods.

First of all, yoga is consisted of natural body movements. Some of them are harder to learn than others, and although some of them may not seem like they are natural for your body, they most certainly are. Once you get the hang of them, learn the basics and start practicing them consistently, other complex movements will come on their own.

Trust me when I say this, your body will be grateful for it! In a short period, you will most definitely feel some good changes. Whether it’s your posture, strength, flexibility, your body will start to change and with it, your mind. Let’s see exactly how big your table should be.

Benefits Of Yoga

Exercises For Erectile Dysfunction

Yoga has various types of movements and exercises that target specific body parts in many different ways. Therefore, yoga is proven to be effective in countering many diseases such as erectile dysfunction. A study from the Journal of Sexual Medicine found that yoga improves some factors in sexual performance including desire, intercourse satisfaction, performance, confidence, erection strength, ejaculatory control, orgasm, and partner synchronization.

Strength

Although it may not seem like it, yoga is actually a pretty good way to build strength. It won’t bring you the bulk look that guys from the gym have, but you can use it for a nice foundation. You can bring your body to the next level and use yoga as “warm-up” for heavy lifting or calisthenics. Mixing those two types is actually preferred.

Mental Strength

Maybe even the most important aspect of yoga, mental training. Nothing will teach you the techniques of staying calm and relaxed in stressful situations better than yoga. It is no secret that yoga has various breathing techniques that, mixed with different body postures, make a pretty effective combo in your mental training. Let’s face it; it’s pretty important and even necessary to know how to relax.

Body Posture

If you had a problem with your back, yoga would be the tool to get rid of it primarily because this ancient practice lengthens and stretches the spine, thus improving your balance and promoting proper alignment of vertebra, shoulders, neck, and the lower back area.

Arthritis

This one is in direct connection to the first point I have made, however, I had to separate them since arthritis, especially knee arthritis, is such a common problem nowadays. Yes, yoga has its ways around this problem also.

Better Sex Life

The very topic of this article and a pretty good method for solving this problem. Yoga improves sexual performance through stress reduction, i.e. making you more relaxed and willing to surrender to pleasure and satisfaction. Plus, with improved flexibility, both you and your partner will want to try out all sorts of positions.

I have only mentioned some of the benefits and look at the list right now; it already seems quite impressive. I will leave the rest of them for you to figure out.

Another pretty important advantage that yoga has over other “workout movements” is that it is cheaper and can be done anywhere. You don’t have to spend your money on the “best male enhancement supplements” that some of them like to call them, anymore. You can do yoga anywhere whether that’s at your home, park or gym. It would be good if you got into a course just so that you learn the movements from a professional, but there are other methods to learn yoga as well.

Alright, now that you have seen and “met” with yoga, we can move on to the main topic of this article, yoga exercises that will help you improve your sex life.

Yoga for couples sex
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Yoga Exercises For A Better Sex Life

Yoga does indeed help you with your sex life, but how exactly? It does seem odd when you think about it. We got used to the fact that dietary supplements like Virectin help us improve sexual prowess but it turns out yoga can be a great addition to your lifestyle for better sex and overall health. How can exercises help you with this? Well, I have thought the same way, but then I found answers.

You see, yoga can help you have a better sex life by making your body fit and strong, by improving your circulation and blood flow (which is extremely important because the very own reason why your penis gets erected is that of the blood that runs through it), and by increasing your sensations.

Here are the top ten candidates that could help you with this:

Half Plank

You have heard about the plank. A powerful exercise that targets your core muscles, shoulders and lower back. A half plank is just that half of the regular plank. Instead of going all the way down to your elbows, you should be in a position that is pretty similar to mid push-up position.

Holding your body in this position will strengthen up that core. You see, core muscles are your body’s stabilizers, therefore they are playing a key role in your sex life. With strong abs, you will move better, control your body better and look better.

The Cobra

The cobra is an excellent exercise for your lower back. It is quite similar to the half plank, but your hands should be lower and your body a little bit more narrow. This exercise will make you breathe heavily in no time, which is why it is a good way for improving your breathing techniques.

The Haka

You have heard about Haka. If you haven’t, you can check how New Zealand’s natives are doing it. It has originated from their tribe called Maori, and it has maintained as part of their tradition and national anthem to this day.

This position will put your lower body to the test. Your legs will definitely feel the most impact but guess what your body will release a significant testosterone boost after it.

High Lunges

Now this one is a power builder. You will build your core strength, explosiveness, and have a better range of motion in no time. The move itself isn’t that hard to learn and start doing, but it is extremely effective.

The Crow

Now, this is some new level, right here! The crow will test your limits and most certainly drain your soul out! This is a pretty hard, advance move that is as effective as it is hard. You want to control your body and lift it up with ease the crow is the way to go.

The Bridge

You can almost immediately figure out what this exercise is good for just from the looks of it. It will build your endurance and your leg strength which will most definitely help you in the sack.

Down Dog Knee To Nose

This is an exercise with a medium difficulty grade. It will work out that core and help your hips increase their range of motion. You will feel the gains from this one when you get to bed.

The Chair

The chair is pretty similar to the Haka pose. However, it targets your leg and lowers back muscles in a different way. You can build up your endurance with this one and have pretty strong legs at the same time.

The Corpse

You can figure out how this looks like just from the name. The corpse pose, also known as Savasana, will teach you how to relax your body, be at peace and feel calm while lying on the bed.

The Crescent Moon

And last but not least a standing side stretch also known as the Crescent Moon. A pretty important movement that will help to improve body circulation. This yoga position has you moving your body in a side to side movement. This exercise will activate your hips and improve your range of motion. The exercise is not hard to do at all so you can easily combine it with others or use it as a warm-up. Your call!

Final Thoughts

That would be all of them! Most of them, as you saw are pretty easy and fun to do. My advice to you would be to try every single one of these 10 exercises and make a workout plan that you will follow!

These exercises can be done every single day! If you try an exercise and fail, don’t shy away from the challenge. Keep exploring, do an easier variation of it, or simply do others from the list and then when you feel stronger, try the one that you couldn’t do. That’s what progress is all about.

Remember, a challenge is always good and failure is also good. You wouldn’t be able to learn if there weren’t for failures, so go straight on, face your fears and work you ass off!

Trust me, after a while of doing these exercises, your partner will be grateful and so will your body.

That’s about it. Now you know how to improve your sex life while also improving yourself, I don’t see what can stop you. You can even work out with your significant other. That would be an absolutely 100% win win situation as both of you will gain more endurance and strength, and feel better in bed at the same time!

Adultsmart welcomes Guest Bloggers to submit 800 word articles with original content about topics relating to sexual lifestyle, health and wellness. If you would like to participate, send an email to rick.xsales@gmail.com with your ideas or an article that you wish to submit. If you publish multiple articles on Adultsmart’s Blog you will become an Adultsmart Expert.

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