Changing The Face Of Pornography

Woman in porn

I want to change the definition of porn and here is why;

I have recently watched the Netflix show Big Mouth (I definitely recommend it) and in one of the episodes a steamy book is circulated around the characters and one of them, Jay is very confused by this “wait a minute, you’re telling me all these girls are walking around reading porn!” And this, along with the recent Fifty Shades release, a few recent documentaries had me thinking, what do we as a society really classify as porn and is it changing?

What Is Porn And How Is It Changing?

Most people know the old adage when it comes to the porn vs art debate of “knowing porn when I see it” but with a society that is increasingly permeated by hypersexualised imagery, easily accessible sex videos etc is that something we can really say anymore?  We adults may “know porn when we see it” but do the kids?  They unlike us have grown up constantly able to easily access this content and are somewhat desensitised to it, so when they are grown ups will they know porn when they see it?

The point I am getting to is that maybe we need to start, as a society, begin to have a conversation around porn, its place and definition. Not to limit or sensor but to tackle the issues that are arising out of porn’s increased sales, accessibility, use and participation.

Talking to my little brother who is now 15 it becomes very clear that this conversation is far overdue. Last time I was home I made him sit down with me and have a talk. He knows what I do for work and because of that he feels that I am the best person to talk to (I’m not sure about best but if he is talking I’m happy) and what started out with questions and clarifying terms has begun to evolve into a discussion around porn and how it should be viewed.

Porn And How It Is Viewed

Many kids first contact with porn is way before their parents believe it is (kids as young as 7 or 8 have reported regularly accessing pornography via the internet) and because these young minds are entering this very confronting world with little to no guidance they begin to form their opinions on sex based on what they see on the screen. My little brother did.  He believed that if the size of his penis wasn’t close to that of the guys on the screen, girls wouldn’t like him. And the penis size question was just the start.

We then began talk about how the act of sex is nothing like it is depicted on the screen. I came to him with his analogy, porn is like an action movie. In real life most days you will walk down the street with little to no car chases, explosions etc it’s the same with porn. When you have sex it will be much less over the top and more real. This seemed to help something click with how he viewed porn and I hope this has moved him to a place where he can enjoy porn but see it for what it really is, a fantasy.

The problem is not every family has a loud mouth older sister who works in a sex shop and is constantly thinking about these issues and that can make it harder. Couple this with the fact that porn seems to becoming part of the societal norm and we have the makings for a perfect storm of confused horned up kids that need guidance.

The First Step Is To Define What Porn Is

For me the first step is about defining what porn is and I think for so many people my definition will make them uncomfortable. I think we should define porn as any content (image, book, video and advertisement) that aims to arouse. Now, before we continue I know this will include images and content that is currently not considered porn and I want that. But do not misunderstand me I’m not asking for these things to be gotten rid of or kept for adult eyes only rather I would like people to engage in a conversation with their children around the meaning of these images, their repercussions and effects so when they do come to sex videos and imagery (what is considered porn now) that will have some context into how they can approach this content. I want to remove the stigma and whispers from the word “porn” and use it as a correct term for sexualised images.

Sexy woman in lingerie
Image: Sexualised Imagery

I also believe that this re-definition of porn would force a lot of people to reconsider the images and content they engage with and hopefully bring a level of awareness to sex’s real presence in our daily lives. This increased discussion could mean that the types of conversations I have with my brother can be a regular occurrence in houses with teenagers, it could mean that people who have worked in porn experience less stigma later in life, we as a society could see a change of our attitudes towards sex that have us being more open and more honest.

The reality is my wanting to change the definition of porn and consider more things under this term doesn’t change a thing, sex and porn will still be there, so will advertising using sex to sell but at least if we give it a name hopefully channels of discussion will open up and our young people won’t feel lost by the often confusing and unspoken rules we are all meant to learn but no one is teaching.

Author: Jamie is a consultant from Oh Zone Adult Lifestyle Centre

Jennifer works marketing at Adultsmart an online sex toy shop. She has a non-judgemental approach to sex, sex toys and sexuality. Her favorite saying is if it feels good and right and is not illegal then why not!

RISE Above And Rescue Sex Ed

Sexual health education

Today I am going to discuss something I feel incredibly passionate about, something that I feel is important for all people to have awareness around and that is sexuality and relationship education for young people. It is no secret that there exists a huge lack in the sex and relationship education that is provided to children and teenagers today, with the school system offering the bare minimum of a sex education program for what should be a priority.

How Big Is The Sexual Health Education Problem?

The fact that rates of several sexually transmitted infections have markedly increased over time, as well as the unacceptable rates of sexual violence and assault happening all over the world should be enough to draw attention to the fact that the education that young people are currently receiving is not good enough. These are some of the negative repercussions of a lack of positive sex and relationship education and the extent runs so much deeper than rates and statistics of STI’s and sexual assault. Relationships play such an important role in our overall health and happiness in our lives so knowing how to do them well can mean all the difference between a good and great life.

Most children and teenagers receive education related to sexuality and relationships from parents and school teachers, with the information they gain from this dependant on where they go to school and what their parent’s attitude towards sex is. Now, it is all well and good to leave this education in the hands of parents and school teachers to deliver however when they are not equipped to do so, the consequences of poor sex education can be troublesome.

Talking to parents can be a great way to learn about sex for children and teenagers if their parents have positive views of sex, which unfortunately is not always the case. If parents have negative views and attitudes towards sexuality attached to a history of negative unresolved experiences with sex and relationships, then they are not in the greatest position to impact their children in a positive way. I am not yet a parent but one thing I have come to notice is that the children who grow up with positive views of sex and sexuality have been exposed to parents who are confident and empowered in their own sexuality.

A study completed in 2010 by the Australian Research Centre in Sex, Health and Society showed that many school teachers offering sex education in their classes (usually PD/H/PE teachers) felt ill equipped to offer such information to their students, with the majority having no or minimal training in sex education. So despite their best intentions, school teachers can often lack the necessary skills to educate young people on sex and relationships.

Many young people growing up today are exposed to pornography early on in their sexual development (sadly before sexual development for some) and this can have some negative repercussions to what they come to believe about sex throughout their lives.

Pornography displays an unrealistic portrayal of sex, with the clips easily accessible on the internet intended to entertain rather than educate. When young people are exposed to pornography without the awareness of its true intent (i.e. entertainment) they come to believe that the way that sex occurs in porn is the only way. Considering that a large proportion of pornography depicts violence against women, this spells disaster. The actors in porn are having sex in a way that excites the viewer and not in a way that is necessarily pleasurable for them. Pornography does not make for appropriate sex education. Teachers and parents often lack the skills and qualities to teach it effectively so what needs to be done?

Relationship, Intimacy And Sexuality Education Program

A greater emphasis on young people learning about relationships and sex is necessary if we are to see better outcomes for young people. For this reason, I, along with my partner Nic Tovey, have decided to create an educational program specifically for young people to learn skills that will equip them with the confidence to navigate the world of relationships, intimacy and sexuality in a healthy and empowered way. Focusing on and then expanding on the relationship with oneself, this program will teach young people embodied tools and skills that will empower them to make healthy decisions when it comes to sex and relationships.

Relationship, Intimacy and Sexuality Education program
Image: Rise Program

We are running a forum in Sydney, Australia on March 15th to ascertain the desires and feelings of parents and their teenage children when it comes to sexuality and relationship education. We want our Relationship, Intimacy and Sexuality Education (RISE) program to be informed by the very young people we will be teaching and this opportunity gives parents a say on what they feel is important for their children to learn. The event is open to parents of teenagers and teenagers 12-16 years of age. Event details can be found on Facebook’s RISE forum event page and on Adultsmart’s RISE forum event page. I look forward to seeing as many of you there as possible.

It’s all well and good to notice that changes in sex and relationship education is necessary but if we do not take action, we will see no progression in the way that young people are learning about relationships and sex. There is no better time for change then right now!!

Author: Stephanie Curtis – Sexologist, BA Nursing

Meet the newest member to our team of experts. Stephanie Curtis is a sexologist with a huge capacity to care. Involved in spirituality and tantra her articles are professional, articulate and interesting. Enjoy Steph’s writings at the adultsmart sexual wellness and health blog.

Dr. Stacy, Help Me! I’m A Sexless Cuckold Wanting Sex

Man in a chastity device

This month Adultsmart’s clinical sexologist and certified sex coach Dr. Stacy Friedman has answered three questions which were anonymously sent in to Be sure to read them, who knows she may have answered on of yours!


So for the last few years, my wife and I have been in a cuckold relationship that started with my chastity fetish and she escalated it.  A year and a half ago, she decided that I would be sex free besides using my tongue.  I was upset at first but she convinced me it was for the best.  My problem now is that I don’t think I can handle never having sex with her again as I ache for it constantly.  My question is after all this time of being pussy free and her fucking whoever she wants, how can I talk her into letting me have sex again?

Dr. Stacy Friedman’s Answer

For those not aware, a cuckold relationship is one where a man encourages his wife to have sex with other men because it brings him pleasure. The husband’s “victim” role is definitely a major element of the kink. Communication is very important in any relationship, so if something bothers you about your sexual practice it would benefit you to bring it up in a conversation about your needs with your partner.  If she isn’t willing to listen or respect your concerns then you aren’t in a balanced relationship and someone will be settling or continue to feel unsatisfied. When in a cuckold relationship, the person who is the cuckold (meaning you) can feel pleasure by being humiliated and submissive but only if both parties consent to this agreement.  This fetish fantasy doesn’t work when the cuckold is being humiliated against their will and their own needs are not being met.  If your marriage will continue to work without resentment or frustration, your concerns need to be discussed and a compromise found.  If you still want to be in a cuckold relationship then discussing some changes that can help both of you be satisfied can be imperative or unfortunately your marriage may not end well.


I cannot satisfy my wife, as my penis is too small.  I have tried penis pumps but the result did not last.  I tried stretcher too but it was painful and nothing was different after a month.  Is there a way to get a bigger penis?

Dr. Stacy Friedman’s Answer

Unfortunately, you have the size that you were born with unless you try a few things such as what you have mentioned.  The penis pump is not meant to have a lasting effect, it just offers enough help for the time you are being intimate.  If the stretcher is painful then obviously you shouldn’t continue to use it but even if you do use it, you probably won’t get much larger than another inch or so.  Most women appreciate the girth more than the length so it is more filling in their vaginal canal.  You can use a cock ring on your penis which can help keep the blood blow in which can help with some thickness.  Make sure to use lube prior to putting the ring on so you don’t pull your skin.  Also, it isn’t all about the size that makes a woman happy or pleased.  You can learn different techniques that will help increase her satisfaction such as working on oral, using your fingers more by touching in a soft and slow way.  While you are having intercourse you can also help with pleasure by using a toy to stimulate the clit at the same time so it isn’t as focused on the penis size.  There are some adult products such as penis sleeves that are made with silicone or jelly material that can increase some length or girth during intercourse so maybe try some of those.  Make sure to try and communicate with your partner as to what they like and need to feel satisfied and you may be surprised that it doesn’t have as much to do with a larger penis but the way you take your time and focus on foreplay and allowing your partner to enjoy the connection and touch between the two of you.

Cock ring with a remote control
Image: NU Sensuelle Remote Control Rechargeable Cock Ring


During oral sex, can sperm be swallowed?

Dr. Stacy Friedman’s Answer

Yes, it is safe to swallow sperm (also called semen). The choice to spit or swallow is a very personal one and there is nothing wrong with either answer. Before you do decide to swallow semen, you should make sure your partner is safe from any sexually transmitted infections so you aren’t taking the chance to transmit any infection to yourself. Semen is mostly water and also contains some amino acids, protein, zinc, calcium, sugars such as glucose and fructose as well as Vitamin C and a few other nutrients. The different diet that someone has will determine the taste or lack of taste that it can have.  The more fruits and vegetables you have, the better or more mild the semen will taste, such as pineapple or fruit juices. Some studies have even shown that semen, when entered through the vagina into the bloodstream is actually considered an anti-depressant so swallow away if you want to feel happier! I don’t know how true that really is but it doesn’t hurt to try.

If you would like to ask Dr. Stacy Friedman anything about sexual lifestyle, health and wellness, be sure to send in your question to and she may answer one of your questions in a full length article that will be published anonymously on Adultsmart’s blog.

Would you like free professional advice from a Clinical Sexologist & Certified Sex Coach? Dr. Stacy Friedman may answer your question for FREE in a featured article on Adultsmart’s Blog! If you would like to send in a question please email

1 Way To Start Sexual Healing Today

Couple dealing with sexual issues

We have physiotherapists to help us get our body back into shape after an injury. We have psychologists and counsellors to talk about any worries and concerns in our lives. We go to the doctor if something in our bodies is troubling us, with a great deal of attention placed on our physical health, mental health and well being. Our sexual health can be an area that is too often neglected, with sexual healing being a recently more open field focusing on the sexual health and well being of all individuals.

Why would someone see a sex therapist/sexual healer?

Our sexuality can be an area of our lives where much of our trauma, wounding and unhealthy patterns lurk in the shadows. These can come up in destructive ways that can but do not necessarily have to do with sex itself. We could be feeling stagnant in our creativity or suffering with body shame or we just keep on attracting “damaged” people to be in a relationship with.  A sexual healer is someone who can facilitate and support us through a process of healing our negative conditioning, sexual wounds and traumas so that we can live a more fulfilling life.

Man reigniting passion
Image: Rose

Who needs to see a sexual healer?

Just to be clear, no one NEEDS to see any kind of healer, however, if you feel like some of the worries or issues in your life relate to sex, relationships or love, you can greatly benefit from this kind of therapeutic work. People who have a history of sexual abuse or trauma commonly seek out this kind of support due to the nature of their trauma, people who are having unfulfilling, abusive or unhealthy relationships may be drawn to work through their issues with a sex therapist and people who are desiring more pleasure and satisfaction in their sex lives can also benefit greatly from this work. Those suffering from any kind of sexual dysfunction such as low libido, premature ejaculation, erectile dysfunction, vaginismus, and dyspareunia as well as low body confidence or self-esteem can gain a great deal of assistance from a sexual healer or therapist.

What can happen in a session?

No two people are the same so no two sessions will be. Sexual healing sessions are tailor made to each individuals unique needs. They can involve counselling & therapy, working on establishing healthy boundaries & communication skills and bodywork (i.e. massage and touch). With a professional sexual healer or therapist, nothing will ever happen in a session that is not within your boundaries. I stress the importance of professional as it is vital to find someone who is competent and renowned for having integrity. This brings me to the next question…

Sexual healing massage
Image: Massage

How do I know who to go to?

Sexuality is such an intimate area of our lives, with care and attention necessary in order to find the person right for you. There are male and female therapists out there who offer some incredible services in Sydney and across Australia. Women who have sexual trauma involving men are sometimes reluctant to, yet can benefit greatly from working with a male practitioner. To have a safe representation of a man as you heal can be profoundly healing. The same applies for men who may have a traumatic history with women working with female practitioners. It may be a challenge to go into such intimate work with someone of the opposite gender yet it can be very powerful. What is important is you find someone who is trustworthy, respectful and competent. Read testimonials, do your research and ask around. This can be work that is extremely intimidating to start so be kind to yourself and understand it can take some time before you feel ready to dive in. The Sydney Tantric Massage website for those in the area is a great resource for professional practitioners, as well as the Association of Certified Sexological Bodyworkers Website (For Australia and worldwide practitioners). A good practitioner will answer any queries you may have prior to organizing a session – ask as many questions as you feel so that it is clear what it is that will be happening in the session.

Sexually strong woman
Image: Woman pumping her muscles

The right to healthy expression of our sexuality is our birthright as human beings, with many in the world subjected to sexual abuse, discrimination, and suppression. From my experience, diving into healing my sexual traumas and reshifting my conditioning in regards to sex has changed every area of my life. My relationships have become deeper and more fulfilling, my body confidence has skyrocketed and in general, I feel more joy & pleasure throughout my days. I wholeheartedly believe that our sexual health deserves our care and attention just like any part of ourselves.  Once we bring our sexual shadows into the light, we can show up in the world as a freer and more authentic version of ourselves.

Author: Stephanie Curtis – BA. Nursing., Grad. Dip. Sexology

Meet the newest member to our team of experts. Stephanie Curtis is a sexologist with a huge capacity to care. Involved in spirituality and tantra her articles are professional, articulate and interesting. Enjoy Steph’s writings at the adultsmart sexual wellness and health blog.

Dr. Stacy, I Have Sexual Fantasies About My Wife Cheating!

Cuckold cheating fetish

This week Dr. Stacy Friedman a clinical sexologist and certified sex coach has partnered up with Adultsmart to answer two anonymous questions which were emailed in to


I’m a married man and married my first love.  We broke up 7 months ago when I went away. We have grown children now and a great life but during our time apart she was with others. I found out years ago but she won’t talk about it at all.  I’ve masturbated about it for years and went from jealousy to anger to now one of the only ways I get erect.  She doesn’t know that I feel this way but knows some and says she doesn’t remember any of the details from years ago and doesn’t trust that I won’t be mad if she says more now.  I know I was to blame for my reaction years ago but how do I get her to open up more and incorporate it into our lives now?

Dr. Stacy Friedman’s Answer

It is very common for men to get turned on thinking of their wife having sex with another man.  Not all men want to explore it in real life but if it is something that turns you on, then you may want to find out why and what about that thought is hot for you. You need to ask yourself some questions such as, what about her being with others is a turn on? What do you hope to get out of incorporating it into your life? Also, how much do you want her to open up about the experience?  Do you want her to be involved with other men while you watch, while you join, or just talk dirty about it?

Maybe she doesn’t want to be with others now that your marriage is at the stage it’s at so she prefers to not discuss it. Bringing someone into the relationship, especially into a long-term marriage can be tricky.  It isn’t something to take lightly and there needs to be a lot of trust, communication and boundaries set.  You need to know that you are always taking a risk. It can be done successfully if there is open communication but the fact that she doesn’t want to discuss it now may mean that it isn’t something that she is interested in.

At the end, if she doesn’t want to incorporate more into your relationship then you need to use your own personal thoughts and keep fantasizing about it.  If you want to try and get erect in other ways, spice up your current situation by having sex in different positions, different places, roleplaying, adding toys, discussing your fantasies together or anything that brings something new to your relationship.  This will hopefully allow you to express your desires and find other ways to be stimulated and erect so it isn’t all about you fantasizing about her with other men. Good luck!


My partner and I have been together for about 15 years now.  After we had hit the 10 year mark our bedroom antics started to get a little dull and I wasn’t really enjoying sex with him as much and would often not orgasm.  We started experimenting with sex toys and that livened things up however it has got to the stage that I do not orgasm having sex with him unless I use a toy to stimulate my clitoris at the same time.  He has asked me a couple of times to have straight sex without any aids but it just doesn’t do it for me and he seems to get that.  I still love him and have not entertained the thought of going elsewhere.  Is there something wrong with me? Why do I not get off on just straight sex anymore?

Womens orgasm difficulty
Image: Couple Kissing

Dr. Stacy Friedman’s Answer

First of all, there is absolutely nothing wrong with you!  Statistics show that at least 75% of women can NOT have an orgasm through intercourse without some form of clitoral stimulation so the fact that you are able to achieve an orgasm with toys on your clitoris is a very common way for women to enjoy.

As you get older, your body changes, desires change as does the way you feel towards your partner.  You may not get stimulated the same ways you did earlier in the relationship and you may need to try different things in order to keep your desire up.   The fact that you started experimenting when you realized things were getting dull is a testament to your ability to communicate about sex and how you are feeling with your partner so it is very important to continue to do so in order to keep things working for you and your husband.

I don’t know if you have had children over the last 5-10 years but if so, that can also change the position of your uterus and potentially the G-spot inside which can affect how you orgasm while having intercourse.  Just because someone needs extra stimulation with a toy in order to have an orgasm doesn’t mean their partner is doing something wrong, if anything, it can take the pressure off of him to not have to worry about performance and focus on the pleasure of his wife enjoying sex even if toys are involved.  As long as you are spending time having foreplay and not just going right to intercourse with your toys, your husband can still feel like he is connecting with you on an emotional and physical level to be able to enjoy each other.

Would you like free professional advice from a Clinical Sexologist & Certified Sex Coach? Dr. Stacy Friedman may answer your question for FREE in a featured article on Adultsmart’s Blog! If you would like to send in a question please email