Anorgasmia

female sexual health

Say it with me now.

An-or-gaz-mia

 

What is it? It is the inability to reach orgasm. Whether this is vaginally, clitorally, penally or at all. Anorgasmia.

 

Today we will be talking about female Anorgasmia because I have been talking more and more to ciswomen who not only feel the pressure to have an orgasm during intercourse but feel that there is something inherently wrong with them that they can’t or haven’t had an orgasm either at all, or during intercourse with their partner.

 

And it causes them considerable mental stress and significant emotional turmoil.

 

I am not yet an expert but I do have a lot of experience. I am well read in this and I have conversed with many people about this and through research both academic and of my own volition there is nothing wrong with not being able to achieve orgasm.

 

A study in both America and the UK showed that over 70% of women volunteered that they either had very infrequent orgasms or none at all. Out of those 70% many explained that occasionally they could achieve orgasm during penetrative intercourse if they stimulated their clitoras during play. Others reported that they waited and masturbated after penetrative intercourse was finished. Others reported that they “faked” an orgasm to cover up not being able to achieve one.

 

Upon further academic and article research I found that there is quite the stigma around cis women “faking” orgasms because they feel that they are expected to, or that they don’t want to disappoint their partner. As instagram @froeticsexology says “orgasms don’t define good sex” and highlights that we should be aiminf for pleasure instead of orgasms.

 

Anorgasmia can occur because of many factors and can be resolved, if it causes you concern or distress. Anorgasmia can stem from:

  • psychological reasons,

  • PTSD,

  • stress,

  • medication,

  • physicality or

  • barriers to stimulation

  • to name a few.

 

Different methods can be used and explored to resolve Anorgasmia. Your doctor may be able to assist with anorgasmia, other health professionals can also prove to be beneficial, such as a psychologist, or counsellor or even selecting and speaking to a Sexologist or Sex therapist. Sexologists are growin in number and awareness within our community, providing accredited information to our communication and helping in educating, breaking the stigma around sex and assisting us in feeling comfortable in discussing all things sex. Head over to https://societyaustraliansexologists.org.au/practitioner-directory/ to find an accredited sex therapist near you.

 

Another method which is highly effective with Anorgasmia is relaxation and self exploration. Solo.

 

These days there is much pressure on us, sexually and in everyday life. Both of these can sometimes be linked to anorgasmia.  Relaxation and getting in touch with your own body, in your own time, no pressure, no expectations can be a great way to connect and engage with your body and your feelings and your pleasure. Self exploration and masturbation is the next key. Take it slow. Explore your body, your skin, lips, nipples, clitoras, labia and vagina. Slowly. Use toys to help you explore the senses. Try vibrations and heat, rotations and thrusting.

 

Using insertables, try finding your g-spot. Release the notion that the vagina is full of nerves and hold in your mind that the pleasure of the vagina is pressure. The nerves are mainly felt through the clitoral root that wraps around the vagina, lending its sensation to the G spot. Use a g spot vibe or your fingers to curl against this spot half a finger length up into your vgainal entrance.

 

Some cis women may not orgasm from the G pot, remember this isn’t just about orgasm, its about pleasure. But let’s delve a little deeper. Some women need their A spot stimulated to climax.

 

The A spot is so aptly named for the anterior fornix which is located towards the rear of your vaginal cavity just before your cervix. The A spot focuses the most on pressure. So stimulating the spot with a broad head of a toy and rubbing or massaging this spot will focus the greatest amount of pleasure. Utilising a massage wand that  is able to be inserted will provide a large/broad head and powerful and concentrated point of vibration that will stimulate both the A-spot and the G-spot simultaneously.

 

If attempting to explore the A-spot and it is a tad uncomfortable it is very possible that you are not aroused enough and that you’re hitting the cervix or “bottoming out” take a breath. When cis-women are aroused the vaginal canal extends up into the abdomen, tucking the cervix out of harm’s way. The A-spot is on the tummy side of the cervix. The P-spot (aptly named for the Posterior Fornix- did you guess?) is on the opposite side of the cervical opening, towards the spine.

 

Both these spots can feel amazing to most women but they come with patience and exploration. Rubbing up against these spots will increase moisture and slickness within the canal, the blood rushing from arousal heightening these delicate pressure plates. Bending your legs upwards towards your stomach, or supporting your lower back with a pillow will bring this wondrous spot closer to the touch.

 

Again, and I cannot stress this enough, take this slow. If there is discomfort, stop. But don’t give up. This is why self exploration is so much fun, you try again and again, with no agenda, no time sensitivity. relax , breathe deep, add some more lubrication and stimulate your clitoras to bring more blood flow and arousal and try again.

 

Try different gels and oils to assist with arousal. “On Ultra” is a topical ciltoris oil utilising cinnamon, sweet almond and ginger to spur arousal and provide a tingling, vibration on the nerves found there. This assists in arousal, by stimulating blood flow, and inducing the production of a wetter canal. Try some and sit with the feel, become aware with the vibrations you feel and the warmth as it spreads to your Labia and throughout your pelvic area. Now try your insertables again. Being mindful throughout this process also proves in increasing attention, feeling and relaxation within the moment. All of these are essential to that good feeling and good place to help encourage an orgasm.

Using a bullet, a wand or a clitoral specific massager can be used to stimulate the nerves on the clitoral root. When the body is aroused, the clitoras will retract a little underneath the protective hood, to lessen the sensitive nerve endings. With your toy of choice, or your fingers, apply slight pressure and massage for pleasure. As the heat and feelings build, don’t be afraid and pull back, gently lean yourself into the feeling. Try and release the tension that you begin to feel throughout your body and surrender. As the pleasure mounts you may feel it give way. And what a feeling. Different different clitoral toys will depend on how sensitive you are, how steady handed you are, and how much power you would like to assist you. If you find yourself getting frustrated, that’s ok too. Take a break. Remember what we said about the pressure on ourselves? If you’re wondering when it will happen? Or why it’s taking so long? Chances are that you are willing yourself into a mindset where you will be unable to achieve an orgasm, and significantly affect the pleasure you are feeling within the moment.

 

Getting in touch with your own body and your own pleasure is empowering. It helps you to relax, it helps you to learn. And the more you learn overtime, the more you may feel more confident to invite a second player in to share in the secrets that you have found. Practice definitely helps to train your body to relax, surrender and invites a safe space for pleasure.

 

But most importantly, have fun. Delight in the surrender of your body and the touch. Focus on feeling good, and doing things that feel good. Don’t view the orgasm as the finish line. View self pleasuring or masturbating as the goal, and the orgasm, whether you have it or not, as a happy addition.

Anorgasmia is not something to feel shame about. It is a learning curve. And it is more common than we are led to believe. By talking about it, more people will be aware of it, its commonality, the reasons behind it, and how masturbation and self exploration can help.

 

At your service;

Tiffany

Oh Zone Sales assistant, educator and avid explorer.

Tips for a Pleasurable Quickie

Quickie Sex

Sometimes you want to do it so badly, but your tight schedules don’t permit it. Most times, you wouldn’t take no for an answer until you’ve gone under the sheets with your partner. Sex has evolved beyond the regular ‘bedroom’ thing. It is now an activity that is done anywhere, anytime, and anyhow. Sex creates that connection between you and your partner regardless of the time spent. Even if you are rushing out to work, a few seconds of intense pleasure can be achieved. How does this happen? Quickies, of course. 

Because of quickies’ nature, partners may ditch penetration and settle for fingering and oral sex, but it’s all for the same goal – pleasure, that is. Whatever form a quickie takes, you can make the best out of it as you’ll do in traditional sex. What do you want out of sex? Can you achieve it in a few minutes? Yes, you can. This article shares quick tips to help you achieve a pleasurable quickie. 

Here are tips to help you have a satisfying quickie:

Consider an appropriate location.

Where is the most appropriate location to have a quickie? Well, you can do it anywhere except for the bedroom. The whole idea of quickies means that both partners are in a hurry yet want to explore simultaneously. Your location ensures that you mix things up and add freaky moves to your pleasure. Well, a sex couch allows you to try as many sex styles as possible, even more than you think. Sex on a couch increases intense passion such that your partner deletes the thoughts of moving to the bedroom. Most of the sex couches available online are designed so that partners can explore as many positions as they want. 

Wear the right clothes

In planned sex, your partner takes their time to undress you because that’s where the intimacy starts. For quickies, things are different. Your partner doesn’t want to spend the whole day undressing you. Even if they love to see you wear those colorful panties they bought for you, it may not be necessary during a quickie. Why not wear a mini skirt without panties? Or wear a loose one? A g string is perfect too. Your dress ensures easy passage just in case there’s an urgent need to thrust in and out. Leave out the tight jeans – this isn’t sexy at all. Trust me, by the time your partner forcefully gets out the skinny jeans from your body; they’re already tired. It would be best if you didn’t risk that. 

Lube up

Since there’s no foreplay, the chances are that you may not get wet within a few seconds. If you want to go down pretty fast, you shouldn’t forget a lubricant. Most people have time to masturbate before a quickie, and that’s fine. If you didn’t plan for one and your partner asks for it, quickly get a lube to reduce friction and the pressure down there. And hey, you should have a pack of lube in your bag most of the time (if not all the time) because you may never know when you’ll be called upon. 

Know the best positions

There are some sex positions specially reserved for quickies. With these positions, two minutes feels like forever. However, don’t feel too pressured to try out all the styles at the same time. Simply do what works for you at the moment and wait for another opportunity to unleash your skills. If you haven’t thought of an appropriate position, consider the following styles: the hot seat, fast doggy, heir to the throne, face race, the elevator, sneak-a-peak, etc. And yes, you can decide to keep it 100% oral. 

 

While romance is an excellent choice, you shouldn’t beat back the idea of having a quickie occasionally. To improve your sex life, don’t fold your arms and wait for full-blown sex when you can have it in bits. What would an ideal quickie set up be for you? What’s the weirdest thing you’ve done during quick sex? Would you mind sharing with a friend?

Vaginal Dilator Exercises for Psychosexual Therapy

vaginismus dilators

Although these plastic sets are called “vaginal dilators” the name is not ideal, as nothing is being dilated (expanded) when you use them.

Often dilators are recommended for a combination of reasons. They can help retrain the soft tissues in and around the vagina to behave more normally. This may include improving scar tissue after childbirth/surgery/radiotherapy, or to help train the pelvic floor muscles to relax and lengthen as part of a structured program. Dilator use can also help to reduce vulval and vaginal hypersensitivity to touch.

Exercising the pelvic floor is essential to help to improve the strength, flexibility and control of the pelvic floor muscles. For penetration to be pain free, the pelvic floor muscles need to be able to relax fully and lengthen around something in the vagina. Dilators can help you to practice this.

Plastic dilators provide a pathway, allowing you to practice relaxing your pelvic floor muscles around something, increasing in size gradually, under your control.

If the smallest dilator is too big to slip into your vagina, you may need to start with something smaller, such as a cotton bud.

Dilators come in a set of various sizes. The smallest is the size of a slim finger, or a medium to large tampon. The largest is the size of a large erection. It is worth noting that an average erection is about the size of the 4th dilator in a set of 5. Dilators with a tapered end are often easier to use than those with a blunt end.

A plain lubricant is provided with most dilator sets. You will need to use lubricant for all these exercises. You can use any lubricant that you know suits you. Advice on lubricants that don’t contain many of the ingredients that irritate genital skin is available from your doctor, physiotherapist, nurse or psychosexual counsellor.

Sometimes they are available on prescription, or they are easy to order online or from your local chemist.  Dilators are available on prescription from your GP.

The exercises

It is best to practice little and often. 1 minute (building up to 5-10 minutes), 5-6 days per week is best.

Each step is likely to take weeks. The aim is to progress slowly and steadily, being comfortable with each step before moving on. If you go too fast and provoke lots of pain then you are likely to trigger muscle spasm, vaginal tightness and therefore more pain.

If you are unable to progress up the steps after weeks of trying, see your doctor, nurse, physiotherapist or psychosexual therapist. They may refer you on to someone for a more detailed examination and advice.

You will need to set aside some time each day to be relaxed and take your time with this process. Our minds and bodies are linked and if your muscles are to relax you need to feel relaxed and not rushed. How you think and feel about using dilators can affect your experience. Try to approach it with positive, optimistic attitude (even if this doesn’t come automatically). Last thing at night is not ideal,  as it is easy to put it off when you are tired at the very end of the day.

Please remember: the idea is to do what you can without causing pain. You may feel a little discomfort when first starting the exercises.

  • Start with the smallest
  • Prop yourself up semi-reclined on a bed/chair/sofa. Bending your hips and knees a little may
  • To prepare, you could try actively relaxing your pelvic floor muscles using your breathing (see our separate information leaflet – Pelvic Floor Exercises for Psychosexual Therapy).
  • A helpful first step can be to practice resting the tip of the smallest dilator at your vaginal entrance and using your breathing to keep your pelvic floor This will help you to overcome the reflex you may have developed, where your pelvic floor tenses up at the prospect of something entering your vagina.
  • When you think your pelvic floor is relaxed, take your time to gently slip the smallest dilator (covered in lubricant) into your vagina. Most vaginas slope up and backwards towards your tailbone. It may help to focus on your breathing, to reduce any physical and mental tension. The dilator doesn’t necessarily have to be fully
  • Leave the dilator in place for 1 to 10 minutes, keeping your pelvic floor You will be able to increase the length of time gradually with practice. If you stop noticing that the dilator is in there this is great– you are really relaxed! Repeat daily until comfortable.
  • When using the dilators, try not to get too caught up with thoughts or focused on emotions. Instead, bring your attention to your physical sensations as you use the dilators, or to the sensations of your breath in your body.
  • When ready, try the next size up from the one you are using. You may find it helpful to try 1 minute of the size that you are comfortable with before using the larger size immediately after. Continue in this way until it is possible to insert the larger size straight into your vagina.
  • Gradually increase the size of dilator you are using, remembering you should be comfortable with a given size for up to 10 minutes, feeling the muscles are fully relaxed around it, before you move on to the next.  If these exercises cause bleeding, or if you have difficult thoughts or feelings about using the dilators, which you feel are getting in the way, please discuss this with your doctor, physiotherapist, nurse or psychosexual counsellor.

Cleaning the dilators

Dilators should be washed in hot soapy water and rinsed thoroughly after each use. They do not need to be sterilized. They can be stored in the case provided.

How To Have Satisfying Sex

satisfied sex

For many people out there, there’s probably no activity more satisfying than to have sexual intercourse with their significant others or even someone they just met a while ago. In fact, we enjoy sex because our brains had been pre-programmed that way and even produce chemicals that encourage us to have lots of sexual activities, which leads to a more intense desire for carnal pleasures once you get your first taste of it. However, just like with any other activities, there will come a time when sex can no longer give you that initial amount of pleasure that it once gave you. At that point, you might even think that sex is not giving you enough satisfaction anymore, leading you to do it lesser than usual. Hence, in this article, we will be exploring why satisfying sex becomes rarer as well as some of the ways you can do to improve you and your partner’s sex drive.

Why do we tire of sex?

First of all, it is completely normal for your sex drive to tone down and wane as you grow older, which is also true for any biological functions within our body. Aging sucks and could even affect your performance as a male in the form of erectile dysfunction. Women, on the other hand, according to a national survey conducted on Britain, are more prone to losing interest with sex more than twice as likely as their male counterparts. However, there is no clear evidence that it is due to menopause and actually leans more towards emotional reasons.

It is also possible that you are not tired of sex as a whole but bored with your sexual partner instead due to their inability to realise your desires and fantasies which could be attributed to your porn-watching habits, making you display a behavior that is known as the Coolidge Effect. You might have also suffered a traumatic experience that had to do with sexual activities, leading to the activation of a defense mechanism preventing you from feeling the pleasure of having sex. Either which, you need to find the root cause or get help from a professional in order to know what your next actions should be.

How to have satisfying sex?

We have listed general tips that may help in your quest to have a satisfying sex life. However, these are just general ideas and should not be treated as a substitute for professional advice.

1. Aim for equity

As stated in the Equity Theory, relational partners should aim to have a fair distribution of resources. This not only applies to the workplace but to your sex life as well. If your partner starts to feel that you are the only one enjoying your sexual activities, inequity starts to happen and the more your partner feels the said inequity, the more they will lose interest in having sex with you or having sex as a whole. Hence, it is very important to be sensitive to you and your partner’s sexual needs. Once the both of you figure this one out and finally reached compromise, equity will be re-established and sex will become rewarding instead of demanding.

2. Strengthen your relationship

If your relationship with your partner is already shaky, to begin with, it is only natural that both of your desire for sex would be minimized a lot. That’s why both of you need to sit down and have a serious talk about whether you still want your relationship to continue or not. Talk about your grievances with each other and discuss what the two of you need to do in order to overcome them. Once you solidifying your shaky foundations, intimacy in the form of sexual activities will obviously follow.

3. Stop having unrealistic expectations

The fulfillment of expectations greatly correlates with your satisfaction but once it gets out of hand, you’ll end up no longer enjoying the things you used to enjoy, which brings us again to sex. Pornography is quite notorious in unconsciously altering your expectations, making the line between fantasy and reality blurry to a certain extent which often puts a heavy burden to your partner mentally since they might feel inadequate once they could not perform those acts you see in movies and pornographic material. Pornography could also distort your image of yourself when you compare your body parts to those of porn actors, leading to a lesser sex drive. If this is the case, it might be better to call a professional therapist to help you as compared to dealing with it yourself.

4. Just say what you both want

Unfortunately, we have yet to discover a way to directly communicate our thoughts to one another using telepathy. Hence, a direct approach in communication is oftentimes the most effective and that is to just ask your partner, in a way that will not offend them as well as stating what you want without sounding demanding. Once you and your partner reach an understanding of your wants and desires, you could make it into your goal once you start doing the deed. This will lead to an increase in the production of pleasure hormones in your brain since it will feel like it was rewarded, and the more you do what both of you like, the more you will have much more satisfying sex.

How I turned my sex life from vanilla to a caramel swirl with sprinkles

Caramel Sex

For the last 4 years of my life since I lost my virginity at 17, my sex life has been pretty average. I mean, I never really have had any wild stories, or crazy threesomes or orgies or really we just hit it off at the club and I ended up back at her house type of tails. It was always like, missionary, then cowgirl then most likely doggy. I never really explored with my ex girlfriend (we were together for 3 years from 18 – 21, she was my first and ended up cheating on me). When she broke up with me, I went into a downward spiral. I lost all my confidence, I was a 5’10, tubby guy who slouches his shoulders, heart broken and not really much sexual drive for life. I stopped trying to talk to girls after the first 5 I tried to talk to rejected me. I would masturbate about 2 times per day. I was a mess. Just existing through this vortex called life.

 

For some reason I was drawn to this adult store in Caringbah. I walked in because I was looking up masturbators and this young guy was there. He was pretty cool, looked very presentable, smelt good, had a bubbly smile, shoulders pulled back. He was confident in himself. For a second I thought I was ready to swing to the other side. We started talking and he was asking me questions if I’ve had a masturbator before, what I’m into and then all of a sudden we got onto the topic of my ex girlfriend and I literally blurted out all my life problems to him. He just sat there extremely attentive and listened, absorbed, gave me a response here or there but really just sat and absorbed and took in everything I was saying.

 

He said “What’s your name man?”,“Chris” I replied. “Chris, Nice to meet you. My name Sunny and I know it might freak you out because you’re in an adult store but I’m going to give you some practical advice that is going to change your life forever if you apply it.” I think this was my Great Gatsby moment. When he gets to travel around the world and gets called “old sport”. “I’ve been around the world, I’ve seen it all, been through it all and have had my fair share of experience with women. I’ve fucked, made love, and been fucked. I’ve had orgies and passionate love making sessions for 5 hours. I’ve had times where I cummed in 15 seconds. I’ve had times where I didn’t cum at all.” I was just in aw. I didn’t know what to say. “You seem like you could use my advice. What do you think?” “I definitely do” I shot back eagerly.  OK “I’m going to give you 10 tips about life, sex and women, that will change your life forever. Here they are”

 

  1. Firstly, stop the masturbation. The masturbation takes away your hunger to hunt. All the testosterone and hormones you are getting rid of when you ejaculate. You can use that and turn that into power and drive to hunt. Stop masturbating!

  2. Start exercising and weight training. Confidence within self gives confidence out to the world. Cleaning your body and ensuring that you feel the strength that your body truly has to offer will give you a total boost of confidence.

  3. Stop talking to women to just have sex with them. That isn’t what life is about. Focus on being you. Have fun. Enjoy your time out and watch them come to you. If you put on a fake confidence and try to speak to them, it won’t go so well.

  4. Sex is supposed to be fun. Don’t sit there and think that it’s just missionary the whole time. When you finally find a partner to have fun with, have exactly that… FUN! Communicate with her, ask her what she likes, what she doesn’t like, what she’d be interested in trying, what is a turn off. Tell her your answers to these questions also. Women love a man who can communicate openly.

  5. Pull your shoulders back to speak with and show assertiveness.

  6. Set some goals and be relentless about chasing them.

  7. Always look to work on yourself. Working on yourself is one of the greatest tasks and journey’s you will ever go on.

  8. When you do have a partner, sex toys are a must. Come in and see me and I will show you around what you have to do!

 

For some reason, my whole life seemed to change after I had my encounter with Sunny. I listened to everything that he said and applied it like it was gospel. 6 months later my body is the best it has ever looked, my shoulders are constantly pulled back. I’ve got goals so big that If I looked at them I would of thought I was crazy. I now have a stunning girlfriend who is fun, confident and knows my love language. Our sex life is insane. And yes I went back and saw Sunny for some toys. We bought a WeVibe Chorus and Womanizer Premium, all I have to say is wow. Who knew that a minor encounter could lead to major life re adjustment. Thank You Sunny.

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