Deconstructing Sex Drive

sexual desire

What Your Libido Says About Your Health

Most of what we know about sex and sexual health we’ve learned from magazines and the internet. While some platforms are genuine and informative, others often try to push other agendas or sell a product. As such, it might lead to misinformation or misinterpretation.

Sexual compatibility is dependent on the sex drive of both partners

What Does Sex Drive Mean?

One of the most popular sex topics includes sex drive. Most people tend to live off from speculations and shallow online content. The best online dating sites often write blogs to address such issues, so please look them up. Here, we shall look into issues such as libido and age, its effect on our relationships, and when it should be a concern.

There are many factors that influence your libido, including mentally and physically

So, what does sex drive mean? Commonly referred to as libido, sex drive is a person’s desire or enthusiasm for sex or sexual activities. Those who often have sexual activities or urges are referred to as hypersexual. In contrast, those who lack sexual desire are hypo-sexual. More often than not, your sex drive is an indicator of your physical and mental functioning.

But is there an indicator for what sex drive is normal? How much is a lot, and how much is too little? Well, according to experts, the normal range is largely dependent on our partners. For instance, an individual might be hypoactive because they’re no longer attracted to their partners. According to some experts, the libido levels would only be an issue of concern if they affect your partner or yourself. For example, one couple might settle for once a month while another is okay with a weekly arrangement.

What Affects Your Sexual Desire?

First off, it’s crucial to note that libido is not fixated, and it is bound to change in certain circumstances. Most of the time, it’s easier to identify what causes a low sex drive or what affects your ‘normal’ libido. Some of the most common culprits include;

  •         The quality of your relationship/intimacy
  •         Fatigue levels
  •         Medication
  •         Abuse of drugs and alcohol
  •         State of mental health- stress, anxiety, depression
  •         Sexual abuse history
  •         Age
  •         Menopause/ pregnancy
  •         Poor sleeping habits
  •         Medical conditions such as diabetes and hypothyroidism

Is Sex Drive Good for Your Relationship?

Culture is a great influence on the dynamics of sex. It often dictates how early individuals experience sexual activities, openness on the topic, and the number of partners considered normal. 

The range for normal sex drive depends on how comfortable partners are with each other

Understanding how your culture affects your sex drive allows you to find partners more sexually compatible. As such, we can describe a ‘normal’ sex drive as something you’re both comfortable with.

The Impact of Time on Sex Drive

Just like most of our body functions tend to change with age, so will our sex drive. In women, physical changes associated with the aging process or menopause increase their self-consciousness, especially sex. Some women might experience decreasing libido if their bodies produce lower levels of sex hormones.

A drastic drop in libido is an indicator of pressing mental or physical unwellness more often than not. For instance, midlife crisis, big life changes, or emotional trauma tends to affect the sexual function of an individual.

It’s crucial to understand how sex drive changes through the years and how you can remedy the situation. Communication between partners is a great way of dealing with decreasing sex drive. There is often no need to seek professional help.

Conclusion

A decline in sexual interest can result from a web of factors, including biological, personal, psychological, interpersonal, and cultural. If you think it’s a reason for concern, please reach out to a professional. A clinical evaluation helps your doctor point out any underlying issues that might be eating away at your libido. Common treatment procedures include counseling, hormone therapy, and medication.

Do you have any queries or comments about sexual health and desire? Drop us a comment below. We would love to hear from you!

Author’s bio:  

Miranda Davis is a freelance writer in the relation and psychology area. Miranda is interested in such topics as building healthy relationships between people, love/sex compatibility, and how to find the right balance in life in general. She is currently doing specific research on the topic. Miranda loves cooking and long-distance walking.

Dealing with an unusual sex drive

crazy sex

Now, I know there are other women out there who, like myself, who have no idea what they want or desire sexually. Sometimes its crazy and you can’t even look at your significant other without mentally undressing them and jumping their bones as soon as the opportunity arises. But also, at other times when the opportunity presents itself, its just shrugged off like meh. But then other times you might really want it but then you also kind of don’t at the same time. Well, I’m here to tell you, you’re not alone.

To some, yes this may sound crazy, but it can be really frustrating.

I have been dealing with these kinds of issues through my entire sexually active life. It’s almost like there’s a little gremlin in your head pushing all the wrong buttons at the most inconvenient of times. And this can sometimes really ruin the mood, especially if you have made all the moves to hint that you are up for it but then all of a sudden, it’s gone and your partner is left extremely confused.

I’ve had partners in the past who I had never confided in about these feelings as they where never willing to talk or communicate about much sexual stuff. To them it was “sex is sex”. So, let me tell you, COMMUNICATION IS KEY! If they don’t know how you feel or what you want, then you’ll never be satisfied or content with the sex you have with them and it may even be the other way around, how will you know what they want if they don’t communicate it with you.

When I first met my current partner, of course like any relationship at the start, every time you’re with them you want to go at it like rabbits but that doesn’t last forever and if you’re like me, that period is even shorter again. So naturally, we grew out of that stage, but we still went at it a fair amount, it never just stopped and for some reason that amazed me, especially because I was very rarely up for sex as it was. Surely enough we moved in together, my sex drive went back to its normal wacky self, but he naturally has a high sex drive. This is where the communication started where I had never had it before. All he wanted was to please me, that’s what got him off, he wanted to know exactly what I wanted, where I wanted it and how long I wanted it for! I was absolutely blown away (no pun intended).

I’d never experienced a man, so hell bent on pleasing me. At this point I somewhat started to open to him about what I wanted but was still too shy to completely lay out what I thought was wrong with me as I though it may affect our relationship and how he saw me.

Turns out I should have told him straight up, like I said communication is key 100%. We got further into our relationship and he would occasionally ask questions like “You don’t seem like you want it, what’s wrong?” or “Are you still into me?”. When these questions started becoming more frequent and concerning, it made me realise that not only was this affecting me, but he was slowly noticing more and more that something wasn’t quite right, and it was starting to affect him too. So, we sat down and spoke about it all and I mean ALL, there was emotions, tears and feelings being released like nothing else. He comforted me and made me feel okay with who I am and these feelings I had that made me feel not normal.

The fact that I had finally spoken to him and opened up about how I felt helped not only our sex life but also helped our relationship. He now knows that if I seem a bit off chances are, I’m not up for it and he will realise that rather than going just ahead with it.

 

  • COMMUNICATION!   Always remember that this should be your first thought. Like I said earlier, how will either of you know how you feel or what you want if you don’t discuss and understand each other.
  • I found that sex toys really helped me cope with what I was dealing with. For example, if I really didn’t feel like doing anything but he was raring to go. Pull out the toy and go to town! I enjoyed and was more than happy to help him because I knew he was enjoying it and I was still helping him. At other times I wouldn’t have felt like physically doing the deed but for some reason I felt comfortable using toys. Let me tell you, men are more than happy to watch that! You can still enjoy each other’s company in a different and possibly more personal way.
  • Watching porn together.  Now I know this one may be a bit of a grey area as some couples don’t agree on watching porn at all. But if you’re open to it and they want to get down and dirty but you’re just not sure, ask them to watch porn with you beforehand. You may find you where in the mood for it you just didn’t know yet.
  • Physical foreplay. If you know what turns you on and you know what might get you in the mood, hell even if you don’t know but you want to do the deed, try some foreplay, go with the flow, and see where it goes. Tell him where to go, guide him and tell him what feels good.
  • Being relaxed. Always be sure that you are comfortable and relaxed with your significant other and environment when getting freaky. At the end of the day, its your body. They may be your partner but if you’re not comfortable, NO MEANS NO and they need to respect that and vice versa.

Kaylah and Oh Zone Adult Store consultant.

How To Have Satisfying Sex

satisfied sex

For many people out there, there’s probably no activity more satisfying than to have sexual intercourse with their significant others or even someone they just met a while ago. In fact, we enjoy sex because our brains had been pre-programmed that way and even produce chemicals that encourage us to have lots of sexual activities, which leads to a more intense desire for carnal pleasures once you get your first taste of it. However, just like with any other activities, there will come a time when sex can no longer give you that initial amount of pleasure that it once gave you. At that point, you might even think that sex is not giving you enough satisfaction anymore, leading you to do it lesser than usual. Hence, in this article, we will be exploring why satisfying sex becomes rarer as well as some of the ways you can do to improve you and your partner’s sex drive.

Why do we tire of sex?

First of all, it is completely normal for your sex drive to tone down and wane as you grow older, which is also true for any biological functions within our body. Aging sucks and could even affect your performance as a male in the form of erectile dysfunction. Women, on the other hand, according to a national survey conducted on Britain, are more prone to losing interest with sex more than twice as likely as their male counterparts. However, there is no clear evidence that it is due to menopause and actually leans more towards emotional reasons.

It is also possible that you are not tired of sex as a whole but bored with your sexual partner instead due to their inability to realise your desires and fantasies which could be attributed to your porn-watching habits, making you display a behavior that is known as the Coolidge Effect. You might have also suffered a traumatic experience that had to do with sexual activities, leading to the activation of a defense mechanism preventing you from feeling the pleasure of having sex. Either which, you need to find the root cause or get help from a professional in order to know what your next actions should be.

How to have satisfying sex?

We have listed general tips that may help in your quest to have a satisfying sex life. However, these are just general ideas and should not be treated as a substitute for professional advice.

1. Aim for equity

As stated in the Equity Theory, relational partners should aim to have a fair distribution of resources. This not only applies to the workplace but to your sex life as well. If your partner starts to feel that you are the only one enjoying your sexual activities, inequity starts to happen and the more your partner feels the said inequity, the more they will lose interest in having sex with you or having sex as a whole. Hence, it is very important to be sensitive to you and your partner’s sexual needs. Once the both of you figure this one out and finally reached compromise, equity will be re-established and sex will become rewarding instead of demanding.

2. Strengthen your relationship

If your relationship with your partner is already shaky, to begin with, it is only natural that both of your desire for sex would be minimized a lot. That’s why both of you need to sit down and have a serious talk about whether you still want your relationship to continue or not. Talk about your grievances with each other and discuss what the two of you need to do in order to overcome them. Once you solidifying your shaky foundations, intimacy in the form of sexual activities will obviously follow.

3. Stop having unrealistic expectations

The fulfillment of expectations greatly correlates with your satisfaction but once it gets out of hand, you’ll end up no longer enjoying the things you used to enjoy, which brings us again to sex. Pornography is quite notorious in unconsciously altering your expectations, making the line between fantasy and reality blurry to a certain extent which often puts a heavy burden to your partner mentally since they might feel inadequate once they could not perform those acts you see in movies and pornographic material. Pornography could also distort your image of yourself when you compare your body parts to those of porn actors, leading to a lesser sex drive. If this is the case, it might be better to call a professional therapist to help you as compared to dealing with it yourself.

4. Just say what you both want

Unfortunately, we have yet to discover a way to directly communicate our thoughts to one another using telepathy. Hence, a direct approach in communication is oftentimes the most effective and that is to just ask your partner, in a way that will not offend them as well as stating what you want without sounding demanding. Once you and your partner reach an understanding of your wants and desires, you could make it into your goal once you start doing the deed. This will lead to an increase in the production of pleasure hormones in your brain since it will feel like it was rewarded, and the more you do what both of you like, the more you will have much more satisfying sex.

Sex Is Fun!

Sex is fun!

It’s pleasurable, we do it with ourselves and others because we want to and we enjoy it. It feels good. But what happens when you’re not enjoying it? What happens when your sex drive seems to have taken a nose dive and something that you once enjoyed has become a bit of chore? With Valentines Day coming up, we’re going to go through a few reasons as to why you might not be enjoying sex and how you can navigate through them. I’m going to say navigate through them as opposed to fixing things, because the term fixing things implies that something is broken – when it comes to a lower sex drive, or when you’re not enjoying sex as much as you think you should be – there are actually a variety of reasons that can be present here and none of them imply brokenness. The truth of the matter is that your sex drive is determined by a variety of factors and it’s in a continual state of change depending on what is going on in your life and surroundings, as well as your physical and mental health. Regardless of whether your sexual dissatisfaction is long term, or short term its important to remember that your perfectly normal. With that in mind – lets go through some reasons as to why you might not be enjoying sex.

Note: This article contains information that may be triggering to those who have experienced sexual trauma or assault

You’re engaging, or being engaged in sexual activity before you’ve had time to become aroused.  Perhaps some sex secrets unveiled has turned you on.

Your mind and body may move at different speeds when it comes to becoming aroused, and the preparation of your mind and body is paramount to enjoyment. Foreplay is an activity that is designed to get the blood flowing throughout the body and in particular to the genitals. This blood flow increases arousal, and helps with lubrication, as well as the ability to climax during sexual activity. The issue here is something i’ve discussed in previous articles – many people equate the idea that sex equals intercourse. Foreplay is just as much sex and intimacy as intercourse, and it helps in taking the pressure off the idea that there’s only one outcome to sex – penetration/intercourse. Foreplay does not have to lead to this, and when you remember this, and acknowledge that, you may find yourself able to free your mind up and enjoy foreplay and the pleasure that that brings.

You’re not mentally or emotionally ready to have sex.

Sex and enjoyment is about context. If you’re stressed or anxious and a partner attempts to initiate sex – in most cases you will not be able to access the feelings of desire, and pleasure easily. For this reason it’s important to communicate how you’re feeling to your partner. Some people find sex and pleasure as a way of coping with stress, anxiety and moving past the day to day stresses of life, others might have trouble navigating through this.

Anxiety about your body or appearance.

Sex feels good but it is incredibly vulnerable. You’re naked, with a sexual partner, and during that moment your insecurities might rear their head. Anxiety about your body, appearance is the one of the biggest enemies to desire and pleasure. It’s difficult to believe that someone else will find pleasure in your body when you’re struggling. Again, this is about communication with your sexual partner. Identify those vulnerabilities and talk about them. If you feel that you can’t talk about them, then you may need to address them in other ways. Self-doubt is one of the biggest pleasure killers around.

Discomfort around previous sexual experiences.

Sex is an incredibly vulnerable moment. And when someone has broken that trust before, it can set in motion a chain reaction of feelings, and thoughts and can be quite triggering in some situations. Whether you’re navigating through previous trauma, or if you’re worried about your level of sexual experience in comparison to your partners – these thoughts and feelings will usually creep up before, during or even after sex – making enjoyment quite difficult. Communicating with your partner about your concerns, or seeking professional help when it comes to trauma or abuse is one way of moving a step forward.

You’re not comfortable around your partner

Sex involves a multitude of layers around intimacy. If you’re not able to be fully comfortable with your sexual partner, then chances are you’re going to have a hard time enjoying the experience. This may involve sitting down with your partner, and telling them what’s going on, or seeking professional help.

You have a shame, stigma or fear about your sexual needs, wants or kinks.

I mentioned a little earlier that sex doesn’t necessarily have to involve intercourse. Sex and sexuality exists on a wide, far reaching spectrum and every individual person has different needs, wants, kinks and even desires. Opening up to your sexual partner creates a certain vulnerability, and it can be intimidating – especially when it involves kink. Ultimately, the advice is pretty straight forward. If it’s about a need, kink or sexual want that you can’t live without – then you need to tell your partner or find someone that you can tell. Bottling up a safe, sane and consensual sexual need or kink is going to do you more harm than good because ultimately, you’ll continually find yourself being sexually dissatisfied causing both yourself, and your partner frustration and confusion. Honesty, openness and freedom is paramount to this one.

You’re on medication that profoundly impacts your sex drive.

Depression medication can kill your sex drive as well as a variety of over the counter medications. If you’re on prescription medication and experiencing a drop in your sex drive, it might be worth speaking to your medical professional about that. Especially when it comes to antidepressants, there are a range of different options that you may be able to use.

You have a medical condition that makes sex painful.

This can be quite common and can very quickly put a stop to the enjoyment of sex. There are a variety of medical conditions that can cause pain, dryness or even irritation after sexual intercourse. This might include skin conditions, autoimmune disorders, excess nerves, endometriosis and vaginismus. Men might also experience this with an overly curved dick, foreskin issues and anal fissures. This list is not exhaustive, and if you do not know why you are experiencing pain – see your doctor to find some answers. When you anticipate pain during or after intercourse, your body’s natural response will be to ignore arousal.

You may be trying to use positions that just don’t work for you

You might be experiencing pain or discomfort and this might not always be a medical condition. Sometimes, a position just might not work for you due to your partners size, or penile curvature. Dr Ingber, MD,  a Board-certified in Urology and Female Pelvic Medicine & Reconstructive Surgery at the Center for Specialized Women’s Health makes the following suggestion – If you’ve seen a medical professional and still don’t have a clear answer – then it might be wise to try different positions, lubricant, or even use toys to try and overcome the issue.

You’re not prioritizing sleeping, eating well or exercise.

There’s a connection between physical, mental, emotional, and sexual health. If you’re neglecting on of those pillars, you might find the others crumble a little bit. It’s important to take care of these pillars as trying to engage with sex when your body, brain or emotions aren’t quite aligned can be quite difficult and even stressful. Rest up before playing.

Drinking too little water

Fun Fact – dehydration can not only lower your libido, but it can actually make sex painful. Not drinking enough water can cause headaches, fatigue, and irritability which will absolutely hinder you getting in the mood. Lack of water can also create dry irritated skin which can potentially lead to pain during sex. There’s also studies out there which have linked dehydration to erectile dysfunction – so make sure to keep your water intake steady.

Stress

Stress is an absolute buzzkill. Worrying about finances, life, work, family, partners, car repairs and a multitude of other worries will kill your sex life. Mental energy plays an important role during the enjoyment of sex, and it can be easily distracted. If it’s paying attention to other things as opposed to your own body and pleasure, you’ll quickly find yourself not in the moment and definitely not enjoying yourself.

As you can see – there’s a variety of reasons that your libido might be low and some of these are the best sex secrets. It’s important to address medical concerns as quickly as possible, be open and honest with your partner and self about these issues. Acknowledgement, honesty and openness are the first steps to reclaiming your sex life, your own pleasure. Until next time. . .

9 Hot Ways To Spice Up Your Love Life

Couple having foreplay

If you have been married or dating for a while now, you probably would not describe your sex life as being what it used to be.  Chances are, it’s not quite as exciting and fulfilling as it used to be.  Though your sex life might have started out as hot as a habanero pepper you have likely ended up in the pepper range. However, the good news is you do not have to stay in this range.  You can add some heat, excitement, and fun to your love life.  “Dinner and a movie” is the classic date, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t get boring. Whether you’ve been dating your partner for weeks or for years, it’s important to make sure to spice up your relationship every once in a while.  Even if you’re just friends with benefits, you can look to one of the below suggestions to help keep things spicy.

Get Out of Your Comfort Zone

Always doing the same thing? Try something that you both have never done before, like scuba diving or even a painting class. It doesn’t have to be something scary like sky diving (although that’s a great option!) but anything out of your normal routine will be exciting and feel sexy.

Repeat The Past

Remember your first date? Of course you do, and you probably remember all of the feelings and emotions that went along with it. If you’re trying to keep things interesting, why not repeat that first date? It obviously worked at the time, so who knows how much you’ll enjoy it now.

Couple at the park
Image: Couple Eskimo kissing

Change Something

Most spouses fall into a habit of doing the same old thing all the time, for instance, having sex in the bedroom.  This is not good, repetition gives way to boredom, mix things up.  Every time you have sex, change something, perhaps the location.  You don’t have to go to a hotel, you can have sex in the dining room or on the floor!

Introduce New Sex Toys

If you’re stuck in the same routine in the bedroom you can get really bored and introducing something different like sex toys can really spice things up.  You don’t have to jump straight into whips and chains but start somewhere.  Buy a vibrator or a dildo and test it out.  Just have a play with it, make it fun.  Buy a fantasy costume like a nurse or French maid.  If it’s with someone you trust, why not try some fluffy hand cuffs and let the other person do whatever they want to you (within reason obviously).

Make Sex Fun With Public Play

Vibrating panties can be a great way to spice things up.  Vibrating panties allow you to have your partner control a vibrator that’s hidden in your panties either via a remote control or a phone app.  That way you could be in a park or anywhere public and your partner can give you an orgasm.  I wouldn’t jump straight into this though, test out some vibrators and dildos before you move on to something a little kinkier like vibrating panties.  To find out more about vibrating panties, check out Vibrating Panties – The ultimate guide.

Talk About It

This might be hard but it can bring you closer together to open up and talk about your sex life.  Poor communication has been the source of many problems in a marriage.  So don’t go bottling things up, let your partner know how you feel and what you think.  This will show them that you value the marriage as well as your sex life.  Also, listen to what they have to say. It is not good to assume what the other feels.

Channel Your Inner Artist

Feeling creative? Picking up a sketch book and some pencils makes for an inexpensive date, and you already have the best looking model at your disposal.  Taking turns posing for a sketch is exhilarating and will definitely open up the rest of the day to more fun.

Do Some Reading

Looking to keep the passion alive? There’s no harm in picking up some spicy books to inspire you and your partner.  From steamy romance novels to sultry how-to guides, there’s a whole world of reading out there for the two of you to enjoy.

Pretend To Be Strangers

Perfect for the couple who has been together for a while – pretending to not know each other. Dress up and arrive separately at a bar with pseudonyms and back stories already created. There, you “find” each other among the crowd and allow your alternate personalities to hit it off.

No matter which one of these date ideas you decide to try, spicing things up if you’ve been together a while is important.  With these simple tips, you can get the ball rolling.  Remember all these cannot be accomplished by only you, it requires your partners help as well, what you can do is take the initiative and as I said talk about it!