Ask A Sexologist – Dr. Stacy!

Ask Advice

As always we are honored that Dr. Stacy, Clinical Sexologist has kindly contributed her professional services for our adultsmart blog readers.  Below she has answered questions from Christian from Bankstown Sydney and Ruth from Richmond New South Wales.

Read more of Dr Stacy’s advice!

Ruth:

My relationship with my husband has gone cold.  There is little intimacy and our bedroom is all but dead.  Our kids are now older and our discussions regularly turn into arguments.  I have seen a counselor but when I suggested he see one or we see one together he says we don’t need too.  How do I get him to see that things are not that good and we need help?

 

I am sorry to hear things are not so good on the home front and it’s unfortunate that you don’t seem to have a partner that understands the urgency of the situation.  I try to tell people that if you have a partner asking for help or to get help, it is usually a dire situation that can go downhill fast if not taken care of. If your partner isn’t willing to do anything for the marriage and you have expressed concern and desire to seek help, there isn’t much you can do other than work on personal growth and start weighing your options of what you want for your future, to stay and do nothing or go.  I would ask him why he doesn’t feel that you need to see a counselor, what scares him about going, what does he think is going to happen if  you go as well as what could be the worst and best scenario if he did decide to go.  If he still says he doesn’t want to go then try to have a conversation with him and ask him if he is happy with the way the relationship is and if he says no, see what his suggestions are to work on things.  Maybe if he sees you are open to listening to him, he will make some suggestions that could be helpful.

What about getting away together for a weekend where it is just the two of you and you have an opportunity to connect and talk?  Are you having any intimacy?  Sex?  If not, ask him if he wants to improve that, see if he thinks that could be better.  If so, you need to try to work on things together to make it happen.  There are many people that don’t believe in therapy or counseling and for some people it doesn’t work because many times they have waited too long and there is no turning back. Sometimes it makes a huge impact and saves a marriage but also, people may be afraid that by going to therapy they may eventually have to make a decision on their future and it is scary so people would rather just ignore and not go.  Find out what his fears are and then find out what his future goals are and if he wants you to be a part of it, he needs to tend to your fears and goals to make the marriage work.

 

Working Relationships
Romantic Getaway

 

Christian:

I come from a large immediate and extended family but to my knowledge not one of them is LGBTQ nor do any of them hang out or have friends that are gay or queer.  I am 21 and know in myself that I am homosexual but have not come out.  It is like a big, dirty secret that hangs over my head as I feel that my family will not accept me if I do come out.  A couple of times I have gone out by myself to some gay bar I know about but as soon as anyone approached me I felt revulsion about the whole gay thing and rushed home. It is overwhelming and sometimes I feel incredibly sad and frustrated. What should I do?

 

It is a completely normal to feel confusion, frustration and potential revulsion because it is something that is still taboo in society and can make you question who you are and what you believe.  Since you aren’t accepting of yourself, you see the disgust that others may see in your own eyes but that isn’t reality.  Loving someone for who they are is a beautiful thing once accepting that within yourself. In order to be comfortable coming out to others you need to first be comfortable in yourself and the understanding that you are perfect the way you are and that there is nothing wrong with being gay.  You are attracted to whom you are attracted to and that is nothing that you can change.

 

What makes you think they wouldn’t be accepting of you?  Do they not believe in the LGBT population? Have they said things offensive? Are you close to at least one of your parents that you can have a talk with? What about another trusted adult or maybe a therapist near you that can help? I do Skype calls for people that aren’t local and I would be happy to help you get the confidence you need to be who you are, as that is one of my specialties so let me know if you want to make an appointment.  In the meantime, surround yourself with others that are gay, support groups, maybe a local place that has resources.  That way you aren’t in an environment where it may be more “sexual” such as a club so you can get to the point of acceptance and self love and then be able to move forward.  You need to have support and you shouldn’t have to lie to get it so maybe slowly breach the subject to your family by bringing up someone else in the media to gauge what they think about the LGBT population and go from there.  I am here of you wanted to make an appointment for extra support.  You shouldn’t have to go through this alone.

Gay Issues
Gay Loneliness

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7 Amazing Sex Secrets The Experts Reveal!

Man in Control of Woman

Most men, if not all, are always keen on discovering sex secrets so as to better pleasure their partners in bed. As men, we are always  under some sort of pressure regarding our sexual prowess in bed. Even if the moment was as romantic as a Hollywood screenplay, we will still have our doubts. It is in our nature as men to be confused about what great/good sex is and if at all we have ever experienced it. However, the main question is what is great sex?

Look in the eyes of the Be-holder, OR Be-hander:

Dr. Patti Britton, a clinical sexologist and the author of the book, ‘The Art of Sex Coaching’ and a clinical sexologist, perceives great sex as being in the eyes of the  beholder or rather, the be-hander. He proceeds to say that, to some men, great sex lies in the ability to make your partner orgasm multiple times. While to others, it is the  ability to last three minutes before climaxing. However, he states that, to be a great lover to your partner, you should be willing to do only one thing, express yourself. We will look at several sex secrets that will help you better pleasure, not only yourself, but also your partner.

Amazing Sex Toy Tips From The Experts

Express your Needs and Emotions:

This is the most important of all sex secrets. You should start by telling her what makes you tick. This may not be easy, but you should shoot for gaining trust from each other. Since trust can only work both ways, you should also know all about her fantasies. According to Joy Davidson, a psychologist, sexologist and the author of the book, ‘Fearless sex’, claims that, knowing what arouses both you and your partner sexually, will make your relationship much more erotic and explosive.  These are valuable sex secrets exposed.

Sex Life:

When men talk, they usually exaggerate their abilities. You will usually hear your friends say how long they can last in bed. You should realize that what your friends always say may not always be the truth. Unlike women, men usually paint distorted pictures of their sex lives to each other and hide their insecurities. This will lead you into thinking that your friend is having a much more active or rather, a wilder sex life as compared to yours. In Davidson’s perception, you will feel like the ‘pleasure ship’ just sailed and left you behind. Michael Castleman, the author of ‘Great Sex: A Man’s Guide to the Secret Principles of Total Body Sex’ revealed sex secrets like the average number of times that people in committed relationships have sex is approximately once in every 10 days.

Be Realistic: 

The Real World is Different from the World of Pornography: Not everything that you do in the bedroom came from porn and not all sex secrets allowed. However, most of it does. The problem comes from the assertion that you should be as good as the porn stars. Castleman sex secrets explained that, most men feel that they are physically less endowed after watching porn. To him, this should not be the reality because porn stars are selected basing on size, this means that, the people you see in the porn films are on the extreme end of the scale. Porn will also create the assumption that your partner will always be primed, the same moves work on everyone or that great sex secrets will always end with orgasm. These may not always work in the real world. Porn, however, has its positives. For example, it may make you desire to explore greater sexual fantasies. Castleman claims that, porn is not bad as long as you keep it in mind that it is different from the real world.

Try not Focusing on your Weakness, but Rather on the Moment:

Stress or anxiety will always impede your sexual performance. When you minimize these issues, you will better pleasure your partner. According to Dr. Patti Britton, if you focus more on your pleasurable sensations (FOPS), you will surely experience a better sexual encounter with these loving sex secrets. She claims that, techniques such as, synchronized breathing, eye gazing and massage, will help you better experience the moment. She also believes that great sex is in the moment and not in the future, you should stop focusing on issues such as, how fast you are going to come: you should just enjoy the moment.

Concentrate more on your Partner and not on Size Issues:

Though size matters to some people, it should not be your center of concern:

Davidson believes that, if you concentrate on the idea of the perfect fit, it will be more helpful. Being compatible with your lover is quite important. For example, some women prefer men who have modest sizes as opposed to the extreme end. It usually is a matter of preference and talking about it will save both of you a lot of time. However, this is not always the main point of concern. Focusing on issues such as foreplay may lead you into an entirely different world of pleasure giving and receiving.

Schedule your Sex Activities:

Michael Castleman claims that this will help your sex life grow as you treat them as our sex secrets. Contrary to popular belief, scheduling your sexual activities will actually make your sex life more relaxing. Developing sensual rituals, making romantic gestures at each other prior to your encounter, taking a shower together or massaging each other will certainly give your sex life a better appeal. According to Castleman, scheduling sex will also reduce the desire differences that any of you may have at one particular time. You will greatly reduce the ‘I am not in the mood’ comments. Castleman claims that when couples in a relationship schedule their sex activities, they usually tend to enjoy it.

As discussed above, no conventional sex tips will make you ‘last longer’ or make your partner produce multiple orgasms, not unless you decide to go for the not very advisable unconventional methods. Many sex experts believe that, the greatest sex in the world can only be experienced when you decide to overcome your fears and anxieties and enjoy the moment. There are, however, some sex secrets that will surely make your sex life and your partner’s more pleasurable as these sex secrets have been discussed.

9 Tips For Long Term Relationships!

Happy Couple

‘We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect perfectly’ writes Sam Keen.

Before I finally said ‘I do to my beautiful wife, I dated a lot of women. It took me many years to realize that to better my relationship isn’t a romantic series which we all like to watch in the Television. I know you are asking yourself, What has kept you going in this relationship? To get the answer, continue reading this article and you will understand how I have managed to better my relationship the entire time I have been married.

What is important, being right or being happy?

My wife used to load the dishwasher the wrong way, squeeze the toothpaste tube in the center and do other things the wrong way. We used to argue over these small issues for quite a long time. Even there was a time I thought we would break up. That when I asked myself, What can I do to better my relationship? The first thing I did was to accept that we all have our difference. Then I realized that accepting these differences was the key to a happy relationship. I stopped micromanaging my partner by proving that I knew how to do things the right way, and accepted that there is not a wrong or right way of doing things, there is different ways. It doesn’t matter how tasks are done in the house, of important is that they have been done.

Communication is the key

It seems simple; you speak, he or she listen; and vice versa. I came to realize that it is more complex than it looks. Communication was the root of my relationship problems. Our gender differences, different personalities and contrasting way of thinking used to make the communication inside our relationship difficult. I learned to communicate effectively with my partner and this has lead to a happy and successful relationship as well as better night sleep for both of us. The biggest mistake I was making in my relationship was to deny my partner an environment where she could express her thoughts and feeling freely. My partner started to express herself freely when she realized that I wasn’t going to criticize her if she expressed herself.

Spontaneity

It is important to be spontaneous and romantic.  We ensure that once a week we do something for us, for our relationship, to bring us closer together.  Every Sunday night we ensure our plates are clean by 7pm and then have a romantic spa bath together.  With a nice glass of Chardonnay and have some down time to ourselves where all pretense is gone.  Sometimes we add pheromone spray and burn candles to add to the atmosphere.  These spa nights leave us closer and allow us some much needed and deserved intimacy that better my relationship.

Trust! We all need it

For my relationship to be solid, I came to realize that it is important to assume that my wife tells me what I need to know and do what she says that she is doing. The same should apply to her thus making this feeling to be 100% mutual. This is what trust means in our relationship. Trust is not all about fidelity, it is trusting that my partner will respect me, be honest with me and not hurt me. I have been able to better my relationship through learning how to handle conflict and anger better and not fight. We are able to tell each other the truth because we know how to handle the situation as two adults in a happy marriage.

 

Couple Moving House

Sharing unconditionally

Sharing is quite hard than it sounds. Most people aren’t good at sharing. We used to fight with my partner quite often for ownership of things and never used to let it go that easily. We used to give up the ownership of things when we were sure that they were going to benefit us in return. I came to realize that what we did with my partner was not sharing in fact, but trading. After we realized that someone had to give up something in order for us to be happy in our relationship, we haven’t fought for a very long time. I had to give up my home town and relocate to other town just for my partner. In addition, I give my wife an unconditional surprise once per week without expecting her to return the favor. It makes us feel good.

I used to assume that I knew my partner well; the truth was that I knew very little. I used to use my life skills, and make judgments and perceptions about her which I would generalize to  be the reality. I used to project my interpretation about her behavior through perception which was very wrong as I used to miss very important detail. To better my relationship, I learned how to resist my natural tendency to interpret my partner’s behavior and decided to be talking to her when I want to know what is going on. Asking as opposed to assuming has resulted to a more peaceful relationship as we are able to find out what we are truly feeling.

Our goals and dreams

I have come to realize that for us to have a successful relationship we need to nurture our individual goals, dreams and support our partner’s too. Nurturing means accepting the independence of my partner and even encouraging her. I have learned to be more independent and not depend on her 24/7 as this would mean to control her every move. In addition, I have learned to ask my partner what her dreams, goals and aspiration are, so that I can assist her to achieve them.

Handling the fights

It often said that most couples argue and fight over finance and sex a lot. But this is not really true. As I found out, we used to argue about sex and finance a lot while in fact it wasn’t about these two issues. There were more underlying issues such as control, trust and jealousy which we used to suffer from. Money and sex were very obvious because they were the currency of control in our relationship. We have learned to fight fairly in our relationship through calling time outs when things get out of control, not fighting and arguing in front of people and of important trying to solve the issue as opposed to trying to find out who is better than the other. We have abandoned the strategy of winning the fight at all cost and now work toward productive resolution which we can both accept.

Making Up Afterwards

It goes hand in hand that none of us like to fight, however one of the upsides of fight is the making up afterwards.  As mentioned above on of the bargaining currencies in a relationship is sex and make up sex always seems better, more passionate and intimate than sex when everything is going fine.  Whether it is because you are willing your frustrations out during the act because you still have anger or feel you have been wronger or trying to reinforce that you are still loved after knowing you have done the wrong thing or been a jerk, there is no denying make up sex is more intense.  By no stretch of the imagination am I suggesting you have a fight to hopefully have great make up sex afterwards but there is a silver lining in every cloud.

The importance of forgiveness cannot be underestimated.

So in conclusion the best ways to better my relationship are free but I still take the time out to buy my spouse some sexy lingerie for occasions to reinforce my love to her and also to help her feel sexy and desired.  We have now been happy for more than 20 years and I cannot see myself living without her.

 

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