Fetishes vs Fantasies.

fetishes and fantasies

Words are occasionally my favorite tool to use both in the bedroom and out. But today we aren’t talking about dirty talk, though we could. No today dear readers, we are talking semantics and comparing two of my favourite words and words that are often confused, confuddled and mixed up in many scenes, scenarios and interchanges between people when discussing kinks.

 

Fetish vs Fantasy.

 

Fetishes

 

A fetish can best be described as a strong desire or need for something be it an object or a person, an act or kink. There are those who can argue that a fetish could be categorized as an uncontrollable desire, the very opposite a phobia, in which a person has an uncontrollable fear, sometimes even irrational. Fetishes can sometimes be categorised as lust worthy, uncontrollable desires, perhaps even irrational to the rational part of a person’s mentality. But it still gives them sexual or pleasureable gratification.

 

Fetishes can be primal in nature and in some aspects some people have felt much shame in them. Finding safe and welcoming communities where they can find acceptance as well as safe spaces to safely explore, discuss and explore these fetishes is becoming more mainstream and is a joy to see as our society opens up and #breaksthestigma. Fetishes can be many and varied. To date there are over 239 fetishes but here are 12 of some of the most common sexual ones you may have come across

 

  1. Role-Playing – or dress ups. Just because we’re adults doesn’t mean we can’t play make believe sometimes. It can be fun to slip into a different person from time to time, try on a fun costume and pretend to be a different character.

 

  1. Anal sex – this one is a little bit of a grey area, some people enjoy anal sex as a sexul act while others visualise it as a fetish. As long as everyone is consensually enjoying it, who are we to label labels?

 

  1. Lingerie – being aroused by a certain type of lingerie is definitely a fetish and more common than people give it credit. Stockings. Lace. satin. Latex. These pieces of adorning lingerie can be wholeheartedly turn ons for people.

 

  1. Impact Play- spanking, flogging, paddling and other forms of consensual striking.

 

  1. Foot Fetish – the worship of feet through acts such as kissing, massage, smelling, licking, touching or just watching.

 

  1. Bondage – Being tied up or restrained. Bondage can range from very mild to very intense and is usually found in BDSM but has also been known to be one of the first things to try when spicing up things in the bedroom. Restaurants can be made from cuffs, rope, a tie, cable ties,…..many things.

 

  1. Group sex – threesomes and foursomes are the most common but group sex also extends to orgies involving multiple people and gang-bangs including one person of one gender and mutliples of the other gender.

 

  1. Sensory play- When we think sensory play we often immediately think of hot and cold, ice and fire, or in this case wax play. Sensation play also includes blindfolds, feathers and for the more experienced, electrostim play.

 

  1. Dirty Talk – I say Dirty talk but well, it’s not really more things like humiliation and degradation, being called names, talking down and dirty.

 

  1. Orgasm control – or denial. This is edging into BDSM and is a subsection of submission and dominance, bringing the submissive to the brink of orgasm and forced to stop. And doing so repeatedly. or , withholding sex or orgasms over a period of time as a form of teasing.

 

  1. Voyuerism and exhibitionism- watching people having sex, or having sex out in public ith the risk of being caught having sex is very common. WHo among us has not had sex in a car or sneakily in the cinema?

 

  1. Pornography – Watching, looking at pornographic material, before or during sexual intercourse or play

 

So

 

Fantasies.

 

I will admit. Fantasies and Fetishes are not all that different. But the difference is a big one. Fantasies are our respective, imagined scenarios that get us all hot and heavy. They are the screenplay in our minds that we make up, that may involve various fetishes, or wants or desires, but they do not necessarily control us.

 

AND

 

This is the big one

 

We may not want to play them out in real life.

 

Fetishes drive us. We want them. Some people need them.

 

Fantasies are exactly that. They are imaginary.

 

Staging a scene in real life to mirror your fantasy, while nice, will be hard, especially if it is a fantasy you have lived and re-lived in your imagination for years. You have built it up with such exquisite and erotic detail that that is a hard act to nail in real life to the exactness of the fantasy. The fetishes, sure thing, those can be met. But the fantasy is a construct of the amalgamation of the fetishes and how you have controlled them in your imaginatorium.

 

Another example is a real life example of a couple who divulged their fantasies that they masturbated to, to one another, and the husband thought it would be nice to organise his wife’s fantasy, not realising, that while she fantasised about it, when faced with it she had zero interest in fulfilling it with him.

 

I think an important takeaway is that fantasies are amazing, and that everyone should have them, talk about them if you’re open enough and confident to do so, but make it clear when you do, if your fantasy is something you want to try, or something personal you enjoy having a good solo session to when you’re alone.

 

At Your Service

Tiffany

Caringbah Oh Zone Sales Assistant, Educator and Linguist

Words from The Chaste Cyclist!

I’d like to thank you for going through these questions and letting us in to your world of chastity. You started a blog in 2015 called thechastecyclist. We’ve read through your ups and downs, your kink lifestyle, the events of your family and kids, your sex life and various goings on in your life over the previous three years. We’d like to thank you for the chance to ask you a series of questions.

Thank you for reading. I truly appreciate everyone who takes time out of their day to read my ramblings.

Chaste Cyclist Blog

In your first post in 2015 – you say that you started this blog as your exploration into the world of chastity. Why a blog, and not a diary? What drove you to putting this online for others to read?

I was talking to another person who writes a blog, The Drew Duality about his life and it included chastity. I also had read through Denying Thumper, another guy talking about and living a life of chastity. Both of their blogs were of such an interest and coupled with my love to write, I decided to give it a go. I honestly didn’t care if anyone ever read a single post. I considered this blog my personal diary.

You had had an interest in male chastity for many years – what was so interesting about it for you and when did you start taking note of it?

Honestly, it started in the late 1980’s. I have always been interested in BDSM and Female Domination. As a college sophomore I started reading those Penthouse “stories” magazines. One edition had a story about two women seducing a man at a bar, taking him home, then tying him up and doing what they wanted to him all night. I chased BDSM and FemDom ever since. It spoke to me. Fast forward to the early 2000’s. One day while cruising the web I stumbled across the Men in Pain website and saw my first photo/video of a guy with metal locked on his cock. I was hooked from there. The entire idea of someone taking control of my cock and controlling my orgasms quickly became a passion…dare I say…an addiction.

You mentioned that you didn’t always take chastity seriously, and you likened it to a game. What made you change your outlook towards chastity and start to take it seriously?

Initially, it was a game. The first time I convinced my Wife to try it and ordered our first cheap device it truly was a game that neither one of us enjoyed playing. The device was ill fitted. It pinched and grabbed at every movement. Truth be told, I didn’t last more than 18 hours before throwing in the towel. My Wife could not have been more pleased. She just wasn’t kinky at all and didn’t understand. After that initial experience, and I have written about this extensively, I started drifting mentally away from my Wife. I resorted to masturbation for my true sexual pleasure and that feeling took over my side of the relationship. After our 25th anniversary, I realized I was missing something and started searching for an answer. Chastity was that answer.

I have to ask this question as when we’re talking about kinks – not everyone is receptive. You say that it was difficult in getting your wife (MrsL) to take chastity as a serious kind of activity. What do you think changed, have you spoken about that and what was her initial hesitation in chastity?

MrsL was raised a devout Catholic and truly believed I was having an affair…well I was…only with myself and online porn. To this day, she still has a hard time with kink but it isn’t as bad as it once was. Her initial reaction to chastity, before I confessed my masturbation issue, was one of truly not understanding. However, after our anniversary trip I took the time to find some “non kinky” e-books for her to read and once she read them we discussed the concept of chastity more seriously.

What advice do you have for people looking to introduce chastity or kink into their lives?

Do your research. Determine if it is just a kink you want to explore or if you want it to be a regular part of your life. There is an adjustment.

What’s your go to comfort food?

Nice, I like how you throw this in here to bring some levity. My go to comfort food has to be…vanilla ice cream! Imagine that, I am a kinky being but my comfort food is vanilla ice cream!

In one of your posts in early October – you talk about whether or not to keep the blog going. What effort and determination is required when running a blog, and what does it take out of you – for those looking to start their own blog?

Even though I initially didn’t care if anyone read my blog, I quickly realized I had regular readers. With regular readers comes an expectation of new/fresh content. In October, I realized I wasn’t holding up my end of the bargain with new/fresh content. I was feeling guilty. I quickly got over that feeling. If your starting a blog, make sure you know why you are starting a blog. Decide if you are writing for you or for your readers. If the answer is the latter, then take steps to keep your blog updated daily. If it is the former, write when, where, and what you want to write.

You and MrsL use a journal to talk about things; kink lifestyle, what’s going on – This seems like a fantastic idea as it let’s couples work through things at their own pace. Where did this idea come from and how have you both found it useful?

It came from another blog I read with the only difference is this couple uses their blog to talk about “stuff”. We only use it for our kinky stuff.

Orgasm Denial

You’ve spoken recently about changing the type of chastity that you and Mrs L engage in, and i’d love to explore that. What does the difference between enforced chastity and devotional chastity mean to you – and what was the decision making process in that?

Enforced chastity is exactly what it says…enforced. When MrsL finally told me that she was in charge of when and how long I wore her Steelheart, I realized I truly had gotten what I had been wishing for all those years. Alas, I travel on airplanes and the plastic Bon4 device and the “custom” EvotionWearables device (3D printed surgical nylon) device caused issues…all chronicled on the blog. One of the many websites I visited and introduced to MrsL was Devotional Sex. We both read through it, individually, had a journal, and face to face conversation about the entire concept. Absent spending the money needed, and we are still planning on doing this someday, on a custom TITANIUM device that is airplane travel safe we agreed that we would live the Devotional Sex lifestyle in between stints in the Steelheart. For me, it personifies my renewed commitment to MrsL.

She is still 100% in charge of IF, WHEN, and HOW I receive an orgasm. In exchange, I still focus all of my sexual energy on her! I will admit that the feeling isn’t the same. There is something about the absolutely instant POSITIVE feedback received when locked in chastity that is electric. When you cock wants to get hard and that desire is blocked by some type of device that energy is looped back through your body. With Devotional Sex, the feedback loop is more subtle but it does build with time. For example, within an hour or two of being locked in the Steelheart, the slightest touch from MrsL sends chills coursing through my body. However, when we are practicing Devotional Sex it sometimes takes days. When I am on a known extended travel break for work the Steelheart is more present. Other times, like now, Devotional Sex is more prevalent. Of course, either way has its advantages and disadvantages for MrsL. She is very coy about which way she prefers but I think it is having unfettered access to tease me.