What I’m about to tell you is going to blow your mind. It’s going to redefine your understanding of sex and pleasure and it’s going to completely change your bedroom routine. I had a mind-blowing orgasm. And my orgasm was that fucking good that I’m absolutely compelled to tell you about it.
Working in the sex industry both in a retail porn store, as a sexual consultant, and as a sex education teacher to young gay men – I’ve heard it all. But one thing that keeps coming up is just how much importance we place on our cocks and the idea of penetrative sexual activity. When you’re young, horny and driven by hormones you have an insatiable need to stick your dick in whatever kind of hole you can find, or have your hole filled with whatever hard thing you can get your ass cheeks on. Your body, your mind, and your dick (or hole) demand that sexual release. And why should you think anything else? Both pornography and popular culture are continually driven to two points – the moment when there is penetration and the moment of ejaculation. Penetration seemingly always provides him/her with a climax within minutes, and from there we wait for his money shot. Real sex doesn’t work like that, and when it doesn’t, many young people feel that they’re not good enough in bed, that they’re doing something wrong or that there’s something wrong with them. So often this begins a cycle of sexual performance issues and other concerns.
We need to change that. Sex isn’t about putting pressure on ourselves, or sexual partners. It’s about pleasure, enjoyment and fun. Mutual pleasure, mutual enjoyment and mutual fun (unless you’re going solo in which case be as selfish as you need to be!!) But what if we took the focus away from the cock and subsequently away from penetration, what if we focused on the body? What if we slowed the whole twelve and a half minutes of furious thrusting (with alternating sensuality and gentleness) to an afternoon of sexual enjoyment and pleasure? Yes, there’s a place for quickie sex, and it’s a fantastic way to while away a few minutes in the car when you’ve turned up early, but let’s hold that thought and picture the following.
His hands tied to the bedpost, his ankles connected to a spreader bar. He’s wearing a blindfold and he can’t see you. He can hear you, he can smell you – but he just can’t see you as you approach with your bdsm crop. This – is sensory play. The idea that the ENTIRE body is a play toy for your amusement. A tickle here, a soft tongue there, a toy somewhere else. Bringing him to close to climax but never quite allowing for that release. Sensory play breaks the routine of foreplay kissing, oral sex, hand job, sticking it in, moaning and then climaxing. Sensory play has the potential to turn routine sex into something exciting and unexpected. Put simply, sensory play is about the involvement of the body’s five senses; smell, touch, hear, see and taste.
One of the most sensual aspects of sensory play involves sight. We all like sex in the dark. It’s kind of comforting (they can’t see whatever flaws that you might think that you have), and it generally fits into our routines well. However, there’s another thing about sex in the dark that we don’t often consider. Due to the lack of light, our body has to make sense of what’s happening through the other senses. It automatically increases the sense of touch, taste, smell, and hearing to make up for the loss of sight and by knowing this you can take full advantage of the body’s responses. Sensory play can be as simple as using a blindfold, or it can be as complex as wearing a blindfold,having them tied up and using a variety of toys (Waternberg wheels, ice, body wands, forks, spoons, feathers, a dressing gown belt, a leather belt, a shoelace – the total bdsm package) to provide stimulation from the tips of their ears, to the bottom of their feet.
So how do you do sensory play? Sensory play can be as much or as little as you want it to be. Sight play is often the easiest sense to play with because it only involves a blindfold. But consider how various scenes and situations can place emphasis, or highlight the body’s other senses. For sight play, you can use things around the house such as the utensils mentioned above that you can get from the kitchen. Or you can use a variety of implements and tools that create a range of sensations from pleasurable to painful. Once they’re blindfolded, once they’re restrained, they are yours to do with what you will (with consent!).
In this way, by taking the pressure of intercourse, and focusing on the body together you’re not only increasing the level of intimacy between the people involved (can be more than two), but you’re also allowing the body to use its senses to heighten the level of enjoyment and pleasure. Combine this with some edging play and a couple of sensual hours and I guarantee that you’ll be soon experiencing an orgasm like you never have before. So think about this, think about allowing your entire body to be used as a play toy – and simply relax and let go. Focus on the next touch, where it’s going to come from, what it’s going to be. And you’ll quickly discover just how in the moment your body, and mind, can be. I don’t need to go in the specific details of what you can and can’t do – that’s entirely up to your own imaginations. But what I will tell you, ladies and gentlemen is that by following some of these little points is you’ll be well on your way to having the best damn orgasm that you can remember.
Stephen is a cis-gendered gay male who spends far too much time with his two cats and eating tim tams. A self-identified sex-positive advocate he cares deeply about gender equality, disabilities, sexual education and social issues. Opinionated and bold he isn’t afraid to speak his mind and say what others won’t. With a yearning for knowledge and experience in all things relating to sex, he is a prolific writer that has developed the content for a myriad of informative Sexual Health and Wellness websites.
Stephen’s articles and writings tends to focus on social issues, sexual education, queer issues and all things fetish and absurd. He comes qualified with the completion of a double Bachelor degree in Social Sciences and literature, and a Masters in Education.
Most men, if not all, are always keen on discovering sex secrets so as to better pleasure their partners in bed. As men, we are always under some sort of pressure regarding our sexual prowess in bed. Even if the moment was as romantic as a Hollywood screenplay, we will still have our doubts. It is in our nature as men to be confused about what great/good sex is and if at all we have ever experienced it. However, the main question is what is great sex?
Look in the eyes of the Be-holder, OR Be-hander:
Dr. Patti Britton, a clinical sexologist and the author of the book, ‘The Art of Sex Coaching’ and a clinical sexologist, perceives great sex as being in the eyes of the beholder or rather, the be-hander. He proceeds to say that, to some men, great sex lies in the ability to make your partner orgasm multiple times. While to others, it is the ability to last three minutes before climaxing. However, he states that, to be a great lover to your partner, you should be willing to do only one thing, express yourself. We will look at several sex secrets that will help you better pleasure, not only yourself, but also your partner.
Express your Needs and Emotions:
This is the most important of all sex secrets. You should start by telling her what makes you tick. This may not be easy, but you should shoot for gaining trust from each other. Since trust can only work both ways, you should also know all about her fantasies. According to Joy Davidson, a psychologist, sexologist and the author of the book, ‘Fearless sex’, claims that, knowing what arouses both you and your partner sexually, will make your relationship much more erotic and explosive. These are valuable sex secrets exposed.
When men talk, they usually exaggerate their abilities. You will usually hear your friends say how long they can last in bed. You should realize that what your friends always say may not always be the truth. Unlike women, men usually paint distorted pictures of their sex lives to each other and hide their insecurities. This will lead you into thinking that your friend is having a much more active or rather, a wilder sex life as compared to yours. In Davidson’s perception, you will feel like the ‘pleasure ship’ just sailed and left you behind. Michael Castleman, the author of ‘Great Sex: A Man’s Guide to the Secret Principles of Total Body Sex’ revealed sex secrets like the average number of times that people in committed relationships have sex is approximately once in every 10 days.
The Real World is Different from the World of Pornography: Not everything that you do in the bedroom came from porn and not all sex secrets allowed. However, most of it does. The problem comes from the assertion that you should be as good as the porn stars. Castleman sex secrets explained that, most men feel that they are physically less endowed after watching porn. To him, this should not be the reality because porn stars are selected basing on size, this means that, the people you see in the porn films are on the extreme end of the scale. Porn will also create the assumption that your partner will always be primed, the same moves work on everyone or that great sex secrets will always end with orgasm. These may not always work in the real world. Porn, however, has its positives. For example, it may make you desire to explore greater sexual fantasies. Castleman claims that, porn is not bad as long as you keep it in mind that it is different from the real world.
Try not Focusing on your Weakness, but Rather on the Moment:
Stress or anxiety will always impede your sexual performance. When you minimize these issues, you will better pleasure your partner. According to Dr. Patti Britton, if you focus more on your pleasurable sensations (FOPS), you will surely experience a better sexual encounter with these loving sex secrets. She claims that, techniques such as, synchronized breathing, eye gazing and massage, will help you better experience the moment. She also believes that great sex is in the moment and not in the future, you should stop focusing on issues such as, how fast you are going to come: you should just enjoy the moment.
Concentrate more on your Partner and not on Size Issues:
Though size matters to some people, it should not be your center of concern:
Davidson believes that, if you concentrate on the idea of the perfect fit, it will be more helpful. Being compatible with your lover is quite important. For example, some women prefer men who have modest sizes as opposed to the extreme end. It usually is a matter of preference and talking about it will save both of you a lot of time. However, this is not always the main point of concern. Focusing on issues such as foreplay may lead you into an entirely different world of pleasure giving and receiving.
Schedule your Sex Activities:
Michael Castleman claims that this will help your sex life grow as you treat them as our sex secrets. Contrary to popular belief, scheduling your sexual activities will actually make your sex life more relaxing. Developing sensual rituals, making romantic gestures at each other prior to your encounter, taking a shower together or massaging each other will certainly give your sex life a better appeal. According to Castleman, scheduling sex will also reduce the desire differences that any of you may have at one particular time. You will greatly reduce the ‘I am not in the mood’ comments. Castleman claims that when couples in a relationship schedule their sex activities, they usually tend to enjoy it.
As discussed above, no conventional sex tips will make you ‘last longer’ or make your partner produce multiple orgasms, not unless you decide to go for the not very advisable unconventional methods. Many sex experts believe that, the greatest sex in the world can only be experienced when you decide to overcome your fears and anxieties and enjoy the moment. There are, however, some sex secrets that will surely make your sex life and your partner’s more pleasurable as these sex secrets have been discussed.