Penis Envy In A Nutshell

Man with big penis

I have recently come to notice a pattern of mine that surfaces whenever male masturbators such as the Tenga Flip Zero with vibrations come into the Oh Zone Adult Lifestyle Centres. A rush of excitement followed by envy overcomes me as I remember the fact that I will never know what it is like to use one of these adult toys. I love being a woman and I would not change it for the world yet I do imagine (probably, way too often) what it would be like to have a penis. I have spoken to countless women who agree that they are envious of men due to the fact that they have what seems to be such amazing genitalia.

From talking and working with countless men, I have discovered that in some circumstances being a man in this day and age with a penis is not all it’s cracked up to be. Here are some of the difficulties that many men encounter when it comes to their bodies, sexuality and gender identities:

Penis size

I have never met a man who hasn’t at least one time in his life felt insecurities around the size of his penis. Pornography, which happens to be many young men’s initiation into sex, portrays an unrealistic expectation of the size of an average man’s penis. This, along with the constant influence in the media saying that to have a small penis means you cannot properly please a woman means that many men feel that they are not good enough in the size department. Penises come in such unique shapes and sizes that to compare any penis to the ones you see in porn really is quite wrong.

Erection cupcakes
Image: Penis cupcakes

Performance anxiety

Many men are taught to please women. They must kiss, lick and f**k their woman right or there is something wrong with them. Being a great lover is so much more than performance and by getting caught up in the idea that they have all these things they need to do to make a woman happy in the bedroom means they can actually miss out on the experience. Connection, presence and respect just some of the qualities of great love making happens when a man is embodied. It doesn’t happen when he is in his mind, worrying about his performance and in his mind thinking about what he needs to do to give her multiple orgasms. Besides, thinking that you’re the only reason for your woman’s pleasure is disempowering to her and big headed of you… just saying!

Inability to disguise their turn on

As a woman, I take great pride in the fact that I can walk around turned on with no evidence except for a cheeky smile and glowing face. Men on the other hand have to deal with the fact that they have something reminiscent of a tent pole reaching out of their pants when they are very aroused. This, along with the fact that it can “strike out” at any given moment means they have something to worry about that us women could never comprehend. I’m not saying that there is anything to be ashamed of if this was to happen to you gentlemen, I just mean that having a penis with sometimes a mind of his own can be extremely vulnerable and exposing.

I know I’ve mentioned a few points that may seem like having a penis is a burden however plenty of men appear to get so much pleasure and enjoyment out of their genitals so it would seem that the benefits certainly out way the difficulties!! You should definitely have a read of amazing facts about the penis that’ll blow your mind to get to know your body more!

Huge erection
Image: Big erection

So how does a woman get to experience the totality of what it feels like to have a penis?

The answer is you could never experience it fully but there are some ways you can come to understand what it’s like to have your genitals so exposed…enter the strap on!!

Woman inserting a dildo in a man's anus
Image: Man being pegged

I have recommended women try on a strap on sex toy at least once in their lives to feel what it’s like to have a cock bobbing out between their legs. It is such a bizarre feeling to have it all hanging out compared to female genitals which are neatly tucked away. When you wear a strap on, you can gain an understanding of why many men are so driven by sex… they have a constant reminder of it all day every day!

It may sound silly but I really feel women can gain a great deal of insight into what it is like to be a man by the simple act of wearing a strap on. To take it one step further, perhaps the special someone in your life would be happy for you to try it out for real… I’m sure you’ll come to agree that men make hip thrusting seem so much easier than it actually is!!! And feeling the power to penetrate that comes with having a “penis” truly is not something to take lightly. I believe more compassion for men can come when we really get what it feels like to have a penis even if it is made from silicone.

Men love being pegged
Image: Pegging a man

Author: Stephanie Curtis, Sexologist

Meet the newest member to our team of experts. Stephanie Curtis is a sexologist with a huge capacity to care. Involved in spirituality and tantra her articles are professional, articulate and interesting. Enjoy Steph’s writings at the adultsmart sexual wellness and health blog.

Four Foundational Life Keys For A Man Seeking Healthy, Enlightened Sex

Men exercising for sexual health

If you’re like many guys, you have experienced, at least to an extent, some sexual frustrations or hang ups that you’d like to get a handle on. And if you’re also like most guys, you have all of the above and aren’t even conscious of it.

Living the life of a sexually and spiritually healthy and fulfilled man is your birthright. However, it’s something that you have to cultivate.

To make sure that you’re not settling for sex that doesn’t serve the greater good for your life, you’ll need to apply four life changes that will help you out exponentially. Below we’ll dive into these four staples, so apply them and never look back!

Live Your Life Based On A Purpose And Mission

This might not seem like the sexiest topic on the surface, but it’s actually the glue that holds it all together.

Both spiritual experts and scientists assert that your sex life reveals who you are and is a microcosm of your internal life. In this sense, this part of your life requires you to get naked in both the literal, and figurative sense. It’s important to continuously work on yourself, because the hangups you have in your head will also manifest in the bedroom.

For instance, a person that is afraid to speak up and express their ideas may also feel stifled and shy during sex. Money problems, stress, shame and other blockages can also lead to hangups with sexual dysfunction.

So when you base your life on a higher purpose of living your dreams, becoming the strongest version of yourself and sharing that energy with the world, you’ll be sexually free and won’t have feelings of inadequacy and lack. David Deida, author of the bestseller “The Way of the Superior Man”, stresses a man living on his purpose, so that he can move past fear and into love, which he’ll then share with his sexual partner.

Spiritual journeys aside, science backs the importance of a healthy man to live his truth. Studies indicate that men who had heightened testosterone levels are less likely to lie, or if they do lie, get significantly less satisfaction or gratification out of it than men with lower testosterone levels. In a sense, not living your truth lowers your testosterone, which diminishes your virility and sexual energy.

When you’re on a mission to become the strongest you, it’s much easier to approach women with confidence and explore the depths of your sexuality in the bedroom, without fear and hangups getting in the way. Make sure that you know what you want out of life and that you carry yourself accordingly, and you’ve won half the battle of achieving a high quality sex life.

Get Your Ejaculation Under Control

This is another foundational key for taking control in your sex life. Studies show that some 30% of men deal with premature ejaculation. Dealing with this situation significantly reduces a man’s enjoyment with sex, since he either can’t last as long as he would like, or worries that he won’t.

There’s a certain level of punchline surrounding this issue throughout society, which can cause a man to feel shame, which is the emotional death knell for sexuality.

Because of this, it’s important that you solve ejaculation issues if you have them. There are many exercises you can practice, but also make sure to dive into the psychological and emotional contributing factors.

Ejaculation issues aside, consider practicing sacred sexuality by learning the ejaculation-free orgasm. By managing your ejaculation in this way, as practiced for ages in Eastern practices and religions, a man can achieve multiple orgams that are fuller and deeper.

This way, you can have sex for as long as you want, with a deeper and more meaningful connection.

Make Sure You’re Living With Peak Health And Physicality

If you really want to live your best sexual life, it’s important to pay close attention to your health and build. You need to maintain a certain level of muscle tone, so that your body continuously produces high levels of testosterone as you age.

There are many different trains of thought when it comes to health and nutrition, but a few basics can transform your life. Engage in any exercises that help you build muscle and strengthen your heart, four to five times per week. You’ll have more endurance, better erections and clearer functioning brain — all of which are key skills to have in your toolkit.

In terms of nutrition, make sure to eat lots of healthy fats, which contribute to the production of testosterone and heart health. Give yourself a cheat day, but make it a life goal to eat clean, so that your signal remains clear and so that you maintain your energy and passion.

Sexually and mentally happy man
Image: Happy and healthy man

Control Your Mind And Feelings

Finally, it’s important for you to continuously live in the moment and feel the depth of your emotions.

Skill and technique are great, but a man that can stay present with his lover, while feeling and giving emotion, will also be great in the sack. This sets a man that lives and embodies his sexual energy apart from a man that just pulls off a few cheap gimmicks that he doesn’t really believe in.

This is easier said than done, since our minds are built to wander, and society has kept men from their emotions for so long. When you quiet your mind and own your emotions, you’ll wield them both with power and discretion, rather than letting them run you.

You can master this by using meditation in your life. It teaches you to be still and feel the present moment, so that you can act with authenticity, rather than simply being triggered by past trauma and future anxiety.

It builds a healthy brain as well, which enhances your sexual creativity.

When you build your life around these four tips, it’s much easier to own your sexuality and live a peak life as a superior man.

Adultsmart welcomes Guest Bloggers to submit 800 word articles with original content about topics relating to sexual lifestyle, health and wellness. If you would like to participate, send an email to rick.xsales@gmail.com with your ideas or an article that you wish to submit. If you publish multiple articles on Adultsmart’s Blog you will become an Adultsmart Expert.

Edging 101: What To Do and How To Get Started

Man kissing his girlfriend

“When you are pulling against the restraints… when your back is arched and your hips are writhing… when your mouth is open in a silent scream of tortured rapture… you will know that my work has begun”. – Pleasure Torture

Edging or orgasm control can be achieved through masturbation or help from a partner. We have partnered up with Bait’D Designs BDSM, Sex, and Jewelry Blog to teach you how to get started edging for your first time.

What is Edging?

During sex, BDSM, and kinks, achieving orgasms is not the only thing that can bring you or your partner pleasure. Edging is a popular method that involves controlling orgasms by bringing you or your partner to the brink of orgasm, and then right before it happens, you back away. Then you repeat this process over and over again, building up your sexual energy until you or your partner finally allow you to achieve an orgasm. The sexual energy building up to an orgasm can be similar to the sexual energy you build from celibacy. You can repeat the edging process multiple times to intensify you or your partner’s orgasm. For men, this exercise can increase the volume of ejaculation and force of ejaculation. This can be effective especially for men who suffer from premature ejaculation. Other popular terms that can describe the act of edging are peaking, surfing, or riding the edge.

Edging For Women

Edging for women is a difficult process to master. You want to focus on getting her to approach an orgasm, but don’t let it actually happen. Some people find it beneficial for the women to alert their partner when they are getting close to an orgasm so that their partner knows when to back off. When men typically hear that their women is about to ‘cum’, their usual instinct is to go harder, but in the case of edging, this requires some discipline from both participants. It is important to remember that as you are edging a woman, the smallest change can make a huge impact. Sometimes change will make a women lose the build up to an orgasm, or it may bring her over the edge. Losing an orgasm will send her into the refractory period, and then you will have to start over to build up that orgasm again. Staying consistent is key and the lighter touch, the better. In fact, 70% of women who like edging say lighter touches help to reduce the pressure when climax is near. Everyone is different so what works for one women may not work for another.

If you are going in solo you will also need to have some discipline as well. Our natural instinct is to keep going when something feels good, so you will need to be able to slow down and prevent yourself from orgasm, especially since you know your body best.

There are a variety of methods you can use to perform edging on a woman, but the easiest would be with the external clit (or clitoris). You can perform edging on your lady partner by rubbing, licking, and other movements. For a more advanced way to edge a women, you can try G-spot stimulation. The G-spot orgasm is harder to control because you are dealing with the sensitivity of the vagina walls, as well as vulva stimulation. It is recommended that you start out with a vibrator or dildo instead to stay more consistent in this area if you are just starting to learn how to edge.

Dom overpowering woman
Image: Dom

Edging For Men

Benefits for edging men include increased testosterone levels, lasting longer during sex, and self-discipline. Edging for men also helps to minimize or overcome premature ejaculation when done properly and consistently. During the edging process you are training the brain to be comfortable achieving a high level of sexual pleasure without ejaculating. Much like edging for a women, edging a man also follows the same principles. The giver and receiver must be disciplined and not get over excited during this process.

Edging for a man can occur with a hand job, blow job, vibrating cock ring, or whatever tickles your fancy. Let your imagination explore the possibilities. It is recommended that edging is done without the use of porn for a more controlled environment.

For men, there is also a popular ballooning technique that is similar to the edging, but a lot of men who have done it feel it is better than edging. Ballooning begins by masturbating and gently rubbing the sensitive part of the penis until full erection is achieved. Continue to stimulate and then just before ejaculation, you slow down the stimulation. At this time, you should incorporate medium Kegels exercises as you inhale, and then release the Kegels as you exhale. You should increase the intensity of the Kegels upon every inhale, and repeat this process just like you are doing reps in the gym. During intercourse, this technique can also provide a stimulating effect for the women.

Edging As A Dominant

Edging is often used as a way for a dominant to take control of their submissive by using erotic denial as control. Some masters allow their slave to masturbate without orgasm. Masters will usually give their slaves tasks and will tell a slave how many times during the day they should take themselves to the edge of orgasm and stop. The slave learns that their orgasms are owned by their master and practices control and discipline. The master can also incorporate punishments when they orgasm. Beyond edging, orgasm control for a dominant or master can also mean not allowing your slave/submissive to stop cumming until they beg you to stop.

It’s always beneficial to spice up your sexual routine. Now you know the basics, so get out there and experience edging for yourself! Whether you are going in solo, edging your partner, or receiving, the benefits from edging will help enhance you and your partner’s sex life for the better.

Adultsmart welcomes Guest Bloggers to submit 800 word articles with original content about topics relating to sexual lifestyle, health and wellness. If you would like to participate, send an email to rick.xsales@gmail.com with your ideas or an article that you wish to submit. If you publish multiple articles on Adultsmart’s Blog you will become an Adultsmart Expert.

6 Tricks For When Your Man Cannot Get Hard

Erectile dysfunction

As a sexologist, I get an in-depth insight into one of the most intimate areas of people’s lives. It really is an honour to have people open up to me about their sexuality, this being something I do not take lightly. I understand sex to still be such a taboo in many people’s lives hence understand how vulnerable it can be to share one’s experiences.

Recently, I had a conversation with a man who had entered a new relationship and was unable to “get it up.” Seeing this person so filled with stress and anxiety about his perceived inability to perform got me thinking about the role us women play when the men in our lives are overcome with anxiety and pressure to perform.

Much of the stress and anxiety that men feel when they cannot get an erection comes from outdated beliefs that to be a man means to do everything he can to please and pleasure a woman with an erect penis. It saddens me knowing that so many men do not come to understand this as a false belief which does more harm than good. Women play such an important part in this process for men with the following some of the tools and approaches I recommend to support men through what can be a challenging time in their lives:

Allow him to express his emotions

When a man places an expectation on himself to get an erection and doesn’t, he can often be overwhelmed with a great deal of shame, frustration, anger and embarrassment. Allow him the space to express his emotions in a safe container so that rather than stewing in these toxic feelings he is given an outlet to get them out of his system. This could mean bashing a pillow, shaking, yelling (though not at you) or whatever else he does when he is feeling emotionally overwhelmed (e.g. going for a run or swim). Emotions can cause a host of problems if left unexpressed so encouraging him to express can mean the difference between staying stagnant and moving forward.

Man unhappy about erectile dysfunction
Image: Man expressing emotions

Encourage him to communicate

Men are rarely encouraged to speak about their feelings and the things that are troubling them. Let your man know that it is safe to talk about what is going on for him. Be present with him when he shares with you his thoughts and feelings on what is going on for him. It is crucial he knows that he can trust you with something so vulnerable for him.

Offer him a space to receive without any expectations of what is to happen

Offering your man a chance to receive can be a really beautiful way of him experiencing pleasure that isn’t dependant on him having an erection. A penis massage or oral sex can feel exquisite even with a non-erect penis and can be a chance for him to really drop into his body, away from his mind that is incessantly pressuring him to perform. Let him know before that an erection or orgasm is not the key of the experience and that you simply want him to receive with nowhere to get to and nothing to do but enjoy the experience.

Connect with him in an intimate way

Taking time to be intimate and sensual with your man is still really important regardless of whether he has an erection. This could mean giving and receiving a massage, cuddling, kissing or engaging in oral sex. Just because a man doesn’t have an erection, doesn’t mean he still doesn’t find you attractive or want to be sexual with you. This brings me to my next point…

Refrain from personalising the “problem”

Asking “Don’t you find me attractive anymore?” is valid however it can place enormous pressure on your man to console you when he is already in a vulnerable position. Some women can get quite upset when their man does not get an erection when engaging intimately with them and its perfectly fine to feel this way but just remember that how sexy, attractive or desirable you are should never be dependent on another person. Take care of yourself and when you feel like you are not asking from a triggered place, it can be great to ask if there is anything you can do for your man. Just ensure that if you do, do so from a place of genuine care and not for validation of your worth.

Invest in your own pleasure

As great as sex with your man can be, if he has difficulties getting an erection it can be a great opportunity to really dive into your own pleasure solo. Here are some ways to invest in your own pleasure:

These are the little things that can make all the difference between feeling victimised by your partner’s inability to get an erection and being empowered by taking your pleasure into your own hands.

Being supportive, loving and compassionate with your man if and when he faces challenges with getting an erection is such a beautiful way to approach what can be an incredibly challenging time for him.

Author: Stephanie Curtis, Sexologist

Meet the newest member to our team of experts. Stephanie Curtis is a sexologist with a huge capacity to care. Involved in spirituality and tantra her articles are professional, articulate and interesting. Enjoy Steph’s writings at the adultsmart sexual wellness and health blog.

Changing The Face Of Pornography

Woman in porn

I want to change the definition of porn and here is why;

I have recently watched the Netflix show Big Mouth (I definitely recommend it) and in one of the episodes a steamy book is circulated around the characters and one of them, Jay is very confused by this “wait a minute, you’re telling me all these girls are walking around reading porn!” And this, along with the recent Fifty Shades release, a few recent documentaries had me thinking, what do we as a society really classify as porn and is it changing?

What Is Porn And How Is It Changing?

Most people know the old adage when it comes to the porn vs art debate of “knowing porn when I see it” but with a society that is increasingly permeated by hypersexualised imagery, easily accessible sex videos etc is that something we can really say anymore?  We adults may “know porn when we see it” but do the kids?  They unlike us have grown up constantly able to easily access this content and are somewhat desensitised to it, so when they are grown ups will they know porn when they see it?

The point I am getting to is that maybe we need to start, as a society, begin to have a conversation around porn, its place and definition. Not to limit or sensor but to tackle the issues that are arising out of porn’s increased sales, accessibility, use and participation.

Talking to my little brother who is now 15 it becomes very clear that this conversation is far overdue. Last time I was home I made him sit down with me and have a talk. He knows what I do for work and because of that he feels that I am the best person to talk to (I’m not sure about best but if he is talking I’m happy) and what started out with questions and clarifying terms has begun to evolve into a discussion around porn and how it should be viewed.

Porn And How It Is Viewed

Many kids first contact with porn is way before their parents believe it is (kids as young as 7 or 8 have reported regularly accessing pornography via the internet) and because these young minds are entering this very confronting world with little to no guidance they begin to form their opinions on sex based on what they see on the screen. My little brother did.  He believed that if the size of his penis wasn’t close to that of the guys on the screen, girls wouldn’t like him. And the penis size question was just the start.

We then began talk about how the act of sex is nothing like it is depicted on the screen. I came to him with his analogy, porn is like an action movie. In real life most days you will walk down the street with little to no car chases, explosions etc it’s the same with porn. When you have sex it will be much less over the top and more real. This seemed to help something click with how he viewed porn and I hope this has moved him to a place where he can enjoy porn but see it for what it really is, a fantasy.

The problem is not every family has a loud mouth older sister who works in a sex shop and is constantly thinking about these issues and that can make it harder. Couple this with the fact that porn seems to becoming part of the societal norm and we have the makings for a perfect storm of confused horned up kids that need guidance.

The First Step Is To Define What Porn Is

For me the first step is about defining what porn is and I think for so many people my definition will make them uncomfortable. I think we should define porn as any content (image, book, video and advertisement) that aims to arouse. Now, before we continue I know this will include images and content that is currently not considered porn and I want that. But do not misunderstand me I’m not asking for these things to be gotten rid of or kept for adult eyes only rather I would like people to engage in a conversation with their children around the meaning of these images, their repercussions and effects so when they do come to sex videos and imagery (what is considered porn now) that will have some context into how they can approach this content. I want to remove the stigma and whispers from the word “porn” and use it as a correct term for sexualised images.

Sexy woman in lingerie
Image: Sexualised Imagery

I also believe that this re-definition of porn would force a lot of people to reconsider the images and content they engage with and hopefully bring a level of awareness to sex’s real presence in our daily lives. This increased discussion could mean that the types of conversations I have with my brother can be a regular occurrence in houses with teenagers, it could mean that people who have worked in porn experience less stigma later in life, we as a society could see a change of our attitudes towards sex that have us being more open and more honest.

The reality is my wanting to change the definition of porn and consider more things under this term doesn’t change a thing, sex and porn will still be there, so will advertising using sex to sell but at least if we give it a name hopefully channels of discussion will open up and our young people won’t feel lost by the often confusing and unspoken rules we are all meant to learn but no one is teaching.

Author: Jamie is a consultant from Oh Zone Adult Lifestyle Centre

Jennifer works marketing at Adultsmart an online sex toy shop. She has a non-judgemental approach to sex, sex toys and sexuality. Her favorite saying is if it feels good and right and is not illegal then why not!