Reconnecting With Your Lover – 7 Experts Share Advice!

Experts Advice

Claudia Six, PhD, Clinical Sexologist & Relationship Coach, www.drsix.net and author of Erotic Integrity.

Claudia Six Phd
Photo: Claudia Six

When sex fades in a relationship, happens less and less frequently to not at all, there’s a very good reason why. When things get gummed up in bed, there’s always a way that it makes perfect sense. You can try tricks and toys, but you also need to open your mouth, and talk – to each other, not your best friend.

Talk about what sex represents for you (connection, release, a way to get to sleep, a spiritual event…). It’s ok if you have different answers – you’re different people.

Ask each other what you haven’t been saying, the stuff you’ve been afraid to tell your partner because you didn’t want to hurt their feelings. This is the time to be candid. Having difficult conversations actually has the most potential to boost intimacy and eroticism in a relationship.

Cassie Wolfe, PhD, Licensed Clinical Social Worker & Sex Therapist

Cassie Wolfe Phd And Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Photo: Cassie Wolfe

Communicate. Communicate. Communicate.  Your needs are important and valued.  It is common for life, work, stress, anxiety, having children, differing work schedules, etc. to get in the way.  Make having a connection with your partner/s/ a priority, even if that means actually scheduling a specific time on your calendar.  It’s also normal to have variation in one’s sex drive.  Just remember that some partners experience responsive arousal – meaning they get more excited in the midst of foreplay (which reminds me – FOREPLAY!! Stop rushing and don’t forget FOREPLAY), while some can be more spontaneous.  Focus on the quality over quantity.

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Michelle Roberton

Tantric Counselor
Michelle Roberton
Body Love
Love Activist

Sexual Trauma and Intimacy Expert

Often in our fast pace world we can loose connection with ourselves and our own bodies, let alone our Lovers. Stuck in our heads and goals, our body looses it’s mojo and so too do our relationships.  I feel there are three major keys that firstly support us to be more connected to our self and then those same three keys support us to reconnect with our lover.  We cannot give what we have not got, so it is essential I feel, to connect firstly to self so our connection with our lover has substance and authenticity behind it.

These three keys are:

The breath … immersing into the rhythm of your own breath, not changing it.  Just feeling the rise and fall of your own breath.  If we can intimately know our own breath, we can then intimately breathe with another.  This brings us into the our body, slows us down and brings the second key ; Presence ~ being here and now with our lover and full in our body.   And finally the third key, as we breath we open, we surrender and we become more aware of our senses… the smell of our lover, the touch of their skin, the sound of their breath … the taste of them on our lips.
Simple keys I know … breathe, presence and the senses.  But who ever said sex has to be a performing art or complicated?

Darren Michaels  Flipside

       
Erotic Literature
Erotic Author
2010 IPPY Award Winning Author
Featured guest/contributor on:
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Playboy Radio                Foxnews.com
Match.com                     Galtime.com
Women’s Health   
As the old saying goes “Familiarity breeds contempt”; human beings needs variety and novelty, it is our nature.  When you fall into a routine with someone, these things go away.  One of the best thing about having an intimate partner it just that…intimate knowledge of one another.  You both are already past the awkward beginning stage of a relationship where you are trying to figure out each other’s boundaries.  This is likely well established by now.  Use it to your advantage.  
 
Plan a nice dinner and an adult conversation about this topic.  Men are too ego-fragile to try something for fear of getting shot down, and many women are far more sexually adventurous than their partner will ever know, but don’t outwardly express this.  If you are going to do adult things, you need to have adult conversations as well.
Find out what has been done before and enjoyed, find out what has never done but always wanted to.  Be adults and have the conversation in advance, this will set the stage for a rekindling,and hopefully infusing some new adventure into the mix as well!

Amory Jane

Comedian
Sex Educator
Comedian, variety host, podcaster, producer…

I think touch is extremely important and many people are touch-deprived and out in the world feeling lonely. I don’t think technology is the enemy though – I think it can be used for good to help connect people. However, I do believe that intimacy is something tons of people struggle with, and always being on our phones and computers can make it even harder to be present when we’re face to face. I would advise people to make time every week where they tuck away technology and turn in toward each other. Focus on open and vulnerable communication or interesting intellectual conversations. If you don’t know what to discuss, search online beforehand and print off or write down prompts, and then really listen to each other. I also highly encourage non-sexual touch while talking, like holding hands or cuddling. If you’re with someone where sex is an option and you’re feeling connected in that way, sensually exploring each other’s bodies (without a goal of orgasm) can be wonderful for building and maintaining intimacy.

Walker Thornton

Self Care Consultant
Author And Sex Educator

Public speaker, relationship consultant and author

It’s an experience I’ve had just enough to know it is our most desired way of experiencing sexual intimacy. My best sexual experiences are those where I connect with my partner and we’re both aware of our mutual desire for pleasure. A dance has to have 2 active partners—it’s a give and take. Sex is no different. We learn by listening or sensing another’s body, we adjust accordingly and we flow together. There are plenty of men out there, of all ages, who consider sex as “sticking it in” and getting off. They don’t understand the importance of mutuality, nor do they understand the power of two people equally engaged and actively participating.

Dr. Stacy Friedman

Certified Sex Coach
Clinical Sexologist

Sexpert, Sex Coach, Intimacy Consultant

Want to reconnect sexually with your lover? Get out of your routine and try something different! Many times finding ways to reconnect can be something as easy as bringing in some variety. Have a night filled with learning your partners body, something that I like to call “Exploration Nights”! Our bodies are filled with erogenous zones that are never touched, kissed, licked or loved.  Your body is not just lips, breasts, and genitals as it starts from the head and ends at the toes. Take advantage of slowly touching, massaging, and appreciating the little nooks and crannies that your partner has.  The crease of the elbow, the bend of the knee, the inner arm or the curves of the ankle…these can stimulate nerves and sensations that you never knew you had.  Focus on the idea of feeling pleasure verse the idea of performance where you can enjoy the actual act of connection and intimacy rather than having the experience be all about the ins and outs of intercourse. What exactly does that mean? Being intimate is about being vulnerable and being in the moment.  Take the time to see how your lover reacts to your touch, how they move, the softness of their skin and talk about what you enjoyed the best. When you take the opportunity to just spend time enjoying each other and building the connection, it makes all the difference in your relationship and your sexual connection.  You feel more in tune to your partner, how they feel and react to your touch as well as different things that they may enjoy, now that you took the time to explore. To read more about how to truly build your intimacy on your “Exploration Night”, download your free digital copy of my new Amazon best selling book, “Confessions & Lessons of a Sexpert”, found on www.DrStacyBook.com or for a paperback and Kindle version, you can find it on Amazon.

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Sexpert is our resident full time sex blogger. Having successfully owned and managed a number of blogs relating to women’s lifestyle, she easily blended into her role as chief blogger of the Adultsmart Blog. She is in a long term relationship with her boyfriend. She also runs Good Girl Guide, a sexual lifestyle blog.

Ask Dr. Stacy Friedman – What Is A Chastity Device?

dr. stacy friedman

Every month Dr. Stacy Friedman acclaimed clinical sexologist and certified sex coach answers questions posed by adultsmart readers.  With the ever-growing popularity of forced chastity in relationships this month she has chosen to answer two questions, with the one all encompassing answer.

Brett

Is it becoming more common for women requiring their male to wear chastity devices? Are there studies about males being kept locked in chastity or women requiring it?

 

Maria

Is it safe for a penis to be in the cage for 7 days? How do I start with his orgasm denial? Weekly denial or less?

Chastity Gear
Chastity Devices

I have been receiving quite a few questions regarding chastity devices and cages so I decided to but these two questions together.  Chastity devices or cages for the penis are gaining popularity more so in the kink or BDSM communities. They wear these devices as part of role playing, dom/sub relationships or to intensify their sexual experiences. I do have to say that there aren’t too many studies regarding this subject so it isn’t always easy to find or learn information about it.  It is something that both partners have to agree and that is right for the couple involved.

 

As far as safety of keeping the penis in a cage for 7 days, I highly suggest you start slow and at a minimum and build up to the length of time you are looking for.  Men may have 4-5 erections during the night and you need to be careful the cage isn’t restricted the blood flow or too tight so you don’t cause any nerve damage or discourage blood flow because the skin is getting pinched or the vessels are restricted.  From what I have heard from urologists, it isn’t often that people come to them complaining of problems due to these devices so either people keep quiet or there aren’t many problems that arise from using them.

 

According to Dr. King, a urologist, it is cautioned against any long-term or continuous use of such a device, anything more than four to six hours, if it places any significant compression on the tissue directly. Dr. King states, “Overnight use may still be problematic. Nocturnal/spontaneous erections are hypothesized to exist to encourage blood flow and stretching of the vascular and erectile tissue to keep it healthy and prevent atrophy. Like any other tendon, ligament, or muscle in the body—use it or lose it. I can’t see how preventing these spontaneous nocturnal erections can be healthy. But I can’t prove any long-term damage.”

 

I recommend taking things slow, then build it up to make sure you are safe, experiment and don’t fear this form of foreplay as many find it very intense and stimulating.

 Doctor Stacy’s Contacts –

Facebook: drstacyfriedman

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Skype: creatingintimacycoach

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As always we look forward to next months answers.  Keep your questions rolling in – unfortunately due to the Doctors hectic work schedule she is only answering a question each month at the moment, so if your is not answered immediately and have patience, it may be in the future…

Rick is the owner of the Adultsmart, an online sex toy shop that stocks over 13,000 products. He has been involved in the adult lifestyle industry for more than 25 years. Rick is an active sex blogger who provides a wealth of information and experience. He is an advocate of equality for gender and sexuality.

Every Body Is Beautiful: My Journey To Self-Love

This article feels quite edgy to write. I’ve toyed with it for some time but have felt fear around coming across as superficial as it’s speaking into the change in my physical appearance. I’ve avoided it for some time because if there’s one thing that triggers me it’s those before and after photos showing body transformations after committing to some “amazing diet”- as if one photo could possibly summarise the person you have become! With that in mind, I know deep inside me that I have a lot of gold to share from my experience hence why I am putting this out in the open.

My weight loss comes up in conversation from time to time, especially from people who met me when I was at my heaviest. “What did you do?” is the most common question I get asked and I think with this people expect me to rattle off a list of diets/cleanses/detoxes that led to my 15kg weight loss. Though there were numerous factors and influences that led to my weight change, my simple answer is that I just stopped caring about what the scales read and began caring about the things in life that truly mattered.

The truth is, food was never the issue. I could have committed to the best diet in the world (is there such a thing?) and I still wouldn’t have shifted the heaviness I carried on my body – believe me I tried!! That’s because weight was my protection, weight kept me safe from the world. My body highlighted my inability to feel my feelings. It was a reflection of the hatred that I showered myself with every day, the unworthiness I believed I deserved to live with.

The excess weight I held on my body was also my saviour in a way. I had hurt myself for so long in so many ways and my drastic weight gain was the final shift that got my attention to this fact. Our bodies are wise beyond measure and sure know how to get our attention to the things we’re not acknowledging. My body was speaking very loudly telling me that some big things needed to change in my life, in particular the things in my life related to my relationships, love, sexuality and spirituality. It took me some time but I eventually listened.

What happened prior to losing weight took a great deal of courage on my behalf.

  • I spent time learning about boundaries, learning how to communicate my yes and my no. For a young woman that was a passive people pleaser, the fact that I had found agency over my own body was a revelation. Having clear, healthy boundaries creates a foundation of safety and stability in your body. With this, that protective weight is no longer needed.
  • I explored the hidden and neglected areas of myself that were hiding behind my weight. My weight disguised some scary parts of myself that I didn’t want to see. Like a courageous warrior, I decided to finally face those parts of myself that I didn’t like. It was scary and painful but I am so grateful I looked.
  • I found my sexiness and my sensuality. As it turns out, they had nothing to do with how I looked and everything to do with how I felt. There is so much truth in “sexy at any size.” Sexiness is not how you look, it’s how you feel about yourself. The sexiest women I know are embodied, self-loving and incredibly sensual with no agenda to be something for anybody else. They are all of this for themselves and that exudes out of them in such a beautiful way.
  • I learnt how to be in my body, how to feel again, how to express my emotions. My weight came about from all those times I had numbed out and disassociated from my body so there was a great deal to feel. I learnt how to healthily express my feelings without needing to binge eat to avoid them.
  • I found a deep and profound love for myself that wasn’t built on conditions or a need to look a certain way. The need to love yourself is thrown around way too often but I think it’s for a very good reason. The true self-love I found for myself was appreciating every single part of who I was – the good, the bad and the ugly – because it makes me who I am and that is divine. Bursting with this love for myself, I was then finally able to let other people love me for who I was.

After this life changing inner transformation (which is constantly ongoing), the weight dropped off effortlessly in no time. No restrictions or diet, no stepping on scales and torturing myself with exercise I hated. Just a whole heap of self-love, self-respect and coming to believe my worthiness to live a beautiful, pleasurable life full of joy and connection.

I see so many people who struggle with their weight, believing it to be the one thing in their life that causes all their suffering. I wish I could wake these people up to the fact that their body is speaking to them and they need to learn its language before any shifts will occur. Sure, you can deprive and starve yourself to the point of weight loss but believe me when I say that final result is not what you’re really seeking. Having a slim body does not “fix” your life. It doesn’t help you to avoid uncomfortable feelings or pain – that shit is universal and cannot be avoided! Your weight does not determine how loveable you are or how worthy you are as a human being. There are many reasons why people lose weight like a bad break-up but keep some of the reasons that I listed above in mind next time you are planning on going on a diet for weight-loss.

Quote on body size acceptance
Image: Body size acceptance

Author: Stephanie Curtis, Sexologist

Meet the newest member to our team of experts. Stephanie Curtis is a sexologist with a huge capacity to care. Involved in spirituality and tantra her articles are professional, articulate and interesting. Enjoy Steph’s writings at the adultsmart sexual wellness and health blog.

Inner Personal Thoughts Of A Sexologist

Studying sexology

What the hell made you want to become a sexologist?! I get asked this regularly and it’s a very difficult question to answer simply. As a young women with hopes and dreams for my future, I could never have imagined that I would choose this path. It has been an interesting and fulfilling journey so far, with numerous factors leading to my choice to become somewhat of a “sexpert”.

A sexologist and sexpert
Image: Sexpert

In my former life before becoming a sexologist, I worked as a mental health nurse. Despite sounding vastly different, there are skills I learnt in this job that I will carry with me in my career as a sexologist, in fact skills that are transferable in every area of my life! I entered the mental health field as a new graduate with big desires to help others. People fascinate me and to offer my compassion and kindness to others in times of need felt like the right thing to do. Being a mental health nurse exposed me to an often isolated and somewhat condemned part of humanity, working with so many people who were in the midst of deep crisis. People who were so distressed they felt killing themselves was the only acceptable option. People who were so detached from their bodies and “reality” that they could not function in our world. People from all walks of life, at the extreme ends of a spectrum that we all fall on in one way or another.

Sexologist who talks about sexual problems
Image: Sexologist’s client

Initially, I felt privileged to be in a position where I could be a healing part of these people’s lives. I knew that so many others could not “handle” being around people in acute states of mental crisis so a part of me (ego probably) was proud of myself for stepping into this work. I would hear it all the time that it takes a certain kind of person to work in the mental health field and after experiencing it I know this to be absolutely true. Working in an environment with people in acute stages of mental illness causes you to be in hypervigilant state as a safety precaution. You are constantly watching over your back, on high alert in order to keep clients, staff and yourself safe from harm. This is not something that can be switched off just by walking out the door at the end of the day. We have this idea to “leave it at work” and forget about it when we go home however work is our life is it not? I found an attempt to separate the two led to more harm than good and realised that I wasn’t living authentically or in integrity working in this job.

My dreams for something different kept getting louder and louder. I realised that caring for others should not come at the expense of our own wellbeing or be driven by desires to help others for a sense of external validation. I believe to truly be in service in this world is to do the things that make us feel alive, following our desires towards what lights us up and gets us excited. For me, that had always been sex. Human sexuality has always fascinated me in so many ways. I have always been curious to understand why sex is such a massive part of our lives and not just used purely for procreation. Why are people sexually attracted to one person over another? Why is there an increase in people buying BDSM, kinks and fetish products? How can we be having more fulfilling sex in our lives? And why is there such shame and stigma around something so pleasurable and beautiful? These questions and a host more constantly had me intrigued so working in a field where I could explore sexuality was completely aligned with my passion and values.

Sexologist fixing sexual relationships
Image: Sexologist couples therapy

As well as my passion for learning about sex, I had found myself to be someone who people felt comfortable talking about their intimate lives with. I recall a moment years ago where a woman I knew shared with me a deeply personal story about her sex life with her husband, something she had never shared with anyone else before. Feeling the trust she felt in me to open up this way, I knew that I had something special to offer others. It warms my heart and makes me feel so grateful to be alive when I can create a space for people to feel confident and comfortable with their sexuality. I feel excited and full of joy knowing that the connection I have with my sexuality invites others to feel beautifully connected to their own. It truly is a gift knowing that I can play a part in creating a much needed sex-positive shift in our society, no matter how big or small that part may be. Sexual health has been a far too neglected area of our lives so to do this work is so important. I am new on my career path but hope that the topics I post about and the people who welcome my support in sessions benefit from what I have to offer. It feels like the beginning of an extremely fulfilling and enlivening career path, stay tuned for what’s to come…

Author: Stephanie Curtis, Sexologist

Meet the newest member to our team of experts. Stephanie Curtis is a sexologist with a huge capacity to care. Involved in spirituality and tantra her articles are professional, articulate and interesting. Enjoy Steph’s writings at the adultsmart sexual wellness and health blog.

Ask Dr. Stacy – How Can I Last Longer In Bed?

Dr Stacy Sexologist

Dr. Stacy is a clinical Sexologist and Certified Sex Coach who monthly answers questions posted by our adultsmart community blog readers.  If you have a question relating to sex that you want answered or further information on please do not hesitate to post your question here!  Please be aware that Dr. Stacy is extremely busy and will choose which questions to answer.  As we now receive more than 1.4 million unique views from readers each year some questions may not be answered.

Stephan

I don’t last  more than 2 minutes in bed.  How can I last longer?

 Premature or early ejaculation is when you are either letting it all out 1-2 minutes or less after the start of intercourse or that you ejaculate faster than you would like. What is normal?  How long are you supposed to last? These are commons questions and concerns that many men have.  Studies have shown that most men ejaculate 3-5 minutes after penetration. There are a couple of ways you can work at improving the ability to last longer.  One is the squeeze technique by Masters & Johnson.

When you are erect, squeeze the tip of the penis where the skin joins with the tip of the penis (frenulum). Use your thumb to squeeze the frenulum against your index finger. The squeeze should last about 10-15 seconds but make sure not to squeeze too hard where it becomes painful. For this technique to work, you need to be able to feel that you are approaching the point of no return, the point beyond which you can’t control ejaculation. When you are about to reach that point, you or your partner can squeeze and then start again.

The next technique is the stop-start method.  You can do this one alone if you want to practice without your partner but it is something that is also helpful to do with your partner once you can perfect it on your own.  Once you become stimulated, before you hit the point of no return, stop what you are doing, rest for 30-60 seconds and then start stimulating again but don’t allow yourself to get to that point of inevitability. Repeat this cycle 5-6 times before allowing yourself to ejaculate.  If you are by yourself, you can finish by masturbating or if with a partner you can have penetrative intercourse and allow yourself to finish.  There are a few ways you can masturbate to practice on your own by going from using a dry hand (being gentle), then a wet hand with some sort of lotion or lube and then work your way to intercourse.

These are a couple ideas to help with early ejaculation but you can also look up Kegel exercises online which help strengthen the muscles in the pelvis to be able to control the urge to ejaculate easier. There may be more to your situation if you have a partner that is not helpful, rushing you to finish or is not open sexually so if these ideas don’t work and you need some coaching to look deeper into your situation as to what is going on, please contact me at www.DrStacy.org

Premature ejaculation device competition 2
Image: Prolong Climax Control Training Program Pinterest Competition 2 – Click on image for details

 

Len

Are urethral sounds safe to use?

First thing to know…what exactly is a urethral sound? It is a device made to enter the urethra for medical purposes or for sexual play. They can be hard or soft and usually inserted halfway into the opening of the penis so they can be easily retrieved. Some items, such as catheters, can be put in deeper to penetrate the bladder so depending on what the person is looking for, there is something for both. There are two reasons someone may want to use a urethral sound. One is for physical benefits and one is for the physiological turn on.  The urethra has sensitive nerve endings inside which can be stimulated when the sound is used and if you go deep enough with the sound in the penis you may have the ability to do a prostate massage.

Urethral sounding does come with risks.  If using toys specifically for that purpose and used correctly it can be safe since they are designed specifically for the purpose of sexual play and to not hurt but if using something not made for sounding you risk infection, bleeding and pain.  Get something high quality, use a sterile lube and go slow.  If you don’t have patience you can cause damage so it is important that if you want to try urethral sounding that you take your time and get the right products.

Readers please comment on this segment or contact Dr. Stacy Direct and let her know that her professional advice segment is on that is valued by our adult community.

Facebook: drstacyfriedman

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Skype: creatingintimacycoach

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Would you like free professional advice from a Clinical Sexologist & Certified Sex Coach? Dr. Stacy Friedman may answer your question for FREE in a featured article on Adultsmart’s Blog! If you would like to send in a question please email askasexologist@gmail.com.