Fetishes vs Fantasies.

fetishes and fantasies

Words are occasionally my favorite tool to use both in the bedroom and out. But today we aren’t talking about dirty talk, though we could. No today dear readers, we are talking semantics and comparing two of my favourite words and words that are often confused, confuddled and mixed up in many scenes, scenarios and interchanges between people when discussing kinks.

 

Fetish vs Fantasy.

 

Fetishes

 

A fetish can best be described as a strong desire or need for something be it an object or a person, an act or kink. There are those who can argue that a fetish could be categorized as an uncontrollable desire, the very opposite a phobia, in which a person has an uncontrollable fear, sometimes even irrational. Fetishes can sometimes be categorised as lust worthy, uncontrollable desires, perhaps even irrational to the rational part of a person’s mentality. But it still gives them sexual or pleasureable gratification.

 

Fetishes can be primal in nature and in some aspects some people have felt much shame in them. Finding safe and welcoming communities where they can find acceptance as well as safe spaces to safely explore, discuss and explore these fetishes is becoming more mainstream and is a joy to see as our society opens up and #breaksthestigma. Fetishes can be many and varied. To date there are over 239 fetishes but here are 12 of some of the most common sexual ones you may have come across

 

  1. Role-Playing – or dress ups. Just because we’re adults doesn’t mean we can’t play make believe sometimes. It can be fun to slip into a different person from time to time, try on a fun costume and pretend to be a different character.

 

  1. Anal sex – this one is a little bit of a grey area, some people enjoy anal sex as a sexul act while others visualise it as a fetish. As long as everyone is consensually enjoying it, who are we to label labels?

 

  1. Lingerie – being aroused by a certain type of lingerie is definitely a fetish and more common than people give it credit. Stockings. Lace. satin. Latex. These pieces of adorning lingerie can be wholeheartedly turn ons for people.

 

  1. Impact Play- spanking, flogging, paddling and other forms of consensual striking.

 

  1. Foot Fetish – the worship of feet through acts such as kissing, massage, smelling, licking, touching or just watching.

 

  1. Bondage – Being tied up or restrained. Bondage can range from very mild to very intense and is usually found in BDSM but has also been known to be one of the first things to try when spicing up things in the bedroom. Restaurants can be made from cuffs, rope, a tie, cable ties,…..many things.

 

  1. Group sex – threesomes and foursomes are the most common but group sex also extends to orgies involving multiple people and gang-bangs including one person of one gender and mutliples of the other gender.

 

  1. Sensory play- When we think sensory play we often immediately think of hot and cold, ice and fire, or in this case wax play. Sensation play also includes blindfolds, feathers and for the more experienced, electrostim play.

 

  1. Dirty Talk – I say Dirty talk but well, it’s not really more things like humiliation and degradation, being called names, talking down and dirty.

 

  1. Orgasm control – or denial. This is edging into BDSM and is a subsection of submission and dominance, bringing the submissive to the brink of orgasm and forced to stop. And doing so repeatedly. or , withholding sex or orgasms over a period of time as a form of teasing.

 

  1. Voyuerism and exhibitionism- watching people having sex, or having sex out in public ith the risk of being caught having sex is very common. WHo among us has not had sex in a car or sneakily in the cinema?

 

  1. Pornography – Watching, looking at pornographic material, before or during sexual intercourse or play

 

So

 

Fantasies.

 

I will admit. Fantasies and Fetishes are not all that different. But the difference is a big one. Fantasies are our respective, imagined scenarios that get us all hot and heavy. They are the screenplay in our minds that we make up, that may involve various fetishes, or wants or desires, but they do not necessarily control us.

 

AND

 

This is the big one

 

We may not want to play them out in real life.

 

Fetishes drive us. We want them. Some people need them.

 

Fantasies are exactly that. They are imaginary.

 

Staging a scene in real life to mirror your fantasy, while nice, will be hard, especially if it is a fantasy you have lived and re-lived in your imagination for years. You have built it up with such exquisite and erotic detail that that is a hard act to nail in real life to the exactness of the fantasy. The fetishes, sure thing, those can be met. But the fantasy is a construct of the amalgamation of the fetishes and how you have controlled them in your imaginatorium.

 

Another example is a real life example of a couple who divulged their fantasies that they masturbated to, to one another, and the husband thought it would be nice to organise his wife’s fantasy, not realising, that while she fantasised about it, when faced with it she had zero interest in fulfilling it with him.

 

I think an important takeaway is that fantasies are amazing, and that everyone should have them, talk about them if you’re open enough and confident to do so, but make it clear when you do, if your fantasy is something you want to try, or something personal you enjoy having a good solo session to when you’re alone.

 

At Your Service

Tiffany

Caringbah Oh Zone Sales Assistant, Educator and Linguist

Oral Sex Technique Guaranteed To Make a Woman Orgasm Every Time

erection guide

When I was a young adult first starting out having sex on a regular basis, I had no idea how to make a woman orgasm.

I had heard about the clitoris, but had no idea where it was located, or its importance for a woman’s orgasm. This lead to a pretty bad sex life, at least from a self-esteem perspective… and a couple of failed relationships.

However, after being fed up with the bad sex and results it was leading to in love life, I took the time to learn what was necessary to satisfy women in bed, orally and otherwise.

Among several other areas I needed to improve my sex life as a man, I purchased a pile of books specifically on the female orgasm — including oral sex books, books with penetrative techniques, Taoist sex methods and more.

One of the first ways I learned to make a woman orgasm was an oral sex technique which, while simple, was a godsend for me, and would be for other men if they struggle in the area as well.

Use This Oral Sex Technique To Bring Women To Orgasm On Demand

Bring your girlfriend / wife to orgasm on demand with this technique (well… with a few minutes of warming up and work), and you’ll have a happy partner every time. 

I learned several other techniques to make women orgasm since then — via penetration, orally or manually — but this is an excellent starting move to get down to ensure she’s at least had an orgasm during sex.

Get Her Warmed Up… So the Clit is Hot to the Touch Once You Touchdown

Make sure to circle all her erogenous zones without touching them directly during foreplay, for some time. Tease her, get her hot and begging for some direct stimulation. Lick around her nipples without touching them directly, same with her clit.

Then after a bit of teasing, stimulate the nipples directly, work your way down to her clitoris, and begin some stimulation to her clitoris with your tongue.

Forget Reciting the ABC’s With Your Tongue; That Doesn’t Work. Repeat The Same Stroke to Help Take Her Closer to Orgasm 

The tongue stroke that always works best for me is repeated long strokes from bottom of tongue, where the tongue is wider, stroke all the way up to the tip of the tongue, and then a light snap on the clit with the tongue. 

It doesn’t need to be any one precise motion, such as this, but something along these lines I’ve found works best for me. However, the bottom line — if you hear her moans, and she’s grabbing your head, hips rising off the bed, you know you’re hitting the right tongue stroke, so keep that up.

The whole idea of reciting the alphabet with your tongue must have started out of a joke, but I’ve seen it seriously advised in some places… there is no worse idea than this. Imagine a woman changing the type of stimulation she provides to your penis on each “stroke”. It will take you a lifetime to reach orgasm.

Once That Pelvis Begins Rising Off the Bed, You’re On The Right Track – Introduce The Killer Finger Motion

When you’re licking her correctly, after some time, she’ll begin raising her pelvis off the bed, and into your face. She may begin gyrating. You’re on the right track.

At this point in time, introduce two fingers — your index and middle fingers — into her vagina, while keeping up the oral stimulation on her clit. DO NOT change what you’ve been doing on her clit.

With these two fingers, you want to rub against her upper vaginal wall (her g-spot area) in a “come here” motion. Keep those two fingers “coming here”… and she’ll be “c*mming here” in no time.

Continue On and Soldier Through to Her Orgasm

Now, your neck muscles and tongue may begin to ache when first starting out giving cunnilingus, but keep it up. They’ll get used to it.

You want to keep the clitoral stimulation up, and the manual as well. Hit her hot spots from both sides like this. And if she raises her clit into your face/mouth, respond back. Control her, hold her… pin her back to the bed with your mouth for fun… and before you know it she’ll be reaching one of the most powerful orgasms she’s ever experienced, and thanking you for it.

Guaranteed Orgasms = Guaranteed Peace

This is not only a surefire method of ensuring her complete satisfaction, but an excellent solution if you suffer from premature ejaculation, as you’ll be able to get her to orgasm before you even begin penetrating, or shorten the amount of time you’ll need to penetrate once you do actually enter (something I used to my advantage in the early days of my sex life).

Just remember… even during penetration. Pay attention to the clit for better chances of her orgasm!

Bio / About the Author

David Carreras is a sex researcher, author and blogger who’s been writing about natural, mental and physical methods a man can use to improve his sexual abilities for over 10 years now. His techniques are compiled in Mr. Manpower’s Guide, and you can find his latest research and ideas on his blog. He teaches natural methods over medical solutions, as this will improve a man’s confidence knowing he’s not relying on an outside source.

Vaginal Dilator Exercises for Psychosexual Therapy

vaginismus dilators

Although these plastic sets are called “vaginal dilators” the name is not ideal, as nothing is being dilated (expanded) when you use them.

Often dilators are recommended for a combination of reasons. They can help retrain the soft tissues in and around the vagina to behave more normally. This may include improving scar tissue after childbirth/surgery/radiotherapy, or to help train the pelvic floor muscles to relax and lengthen as part of a structured program. Dilator use can also help to reduce vulval and vaginal hypersensitivity to touch.

Exercising the pelvic floor is essential to help to improve the strength, flexibility and control of the pelvic floor muscles. For penetration to be pain free, the pelvic floor muscles need to be able to relax fully and lengthen around something in the vagina. Dilators can help you to practice this.

Plastic dilators provide a pathway, allowing you to practice relaxing your pelvic floor muscles around something, increasing in size gradually, under your control.

If the smallest dilator is too big to slip into your vagina, you may need to start with something smaller, such as a cotton bud.

Dilators come in a set of various sizes. The smallest is the size of a slim finger, or a medium to large tampon. The largest is the size of a large erection. It is worth noting that an average erection is about the size of the 4th dilator in a set of 5. Dilators with a tapered end are often easier to use than those with a blunt end.

A plain lubricant is provided with most dilator sets. You will need to use lubricant for all these exercises. You can use any lubricant that you know suits you. Advice on lubricants that don’t contain many of the ingredients that irritate genital skin is available from your doctor, physiotherapist, nurse or psychosexual counsellor.

Sometimes they are available on prescription, or they are easy to order online or from your local chemist.  Dilators are available on prescription from your GP.

The exercises

It is best to practice little and often. 1 minute (building up to 5-10 minutes), 5-6 days per week is best.

Each step is likely to take weeks. The aim is to progress slowly and steadily, being comfortable with each step before moving on. If you go too fast and provoke lots of pain then you are likely to trigger muscle spasm, vaginal tightness and therefore more pain.

If you are unable to progress up the steps after weeks of trying, see your doctor, nurse, physiotherapist or psychosexual therapist. They may refer you on to someone for a more detailed examination and advice.

You will need to set aside some time each day to be relaxed and take your time with this process. Our minds and bodies are linked and if your muscles are to relax you need to feel relaxed and not rushed. How you think and feel about using dilators can affect your experience. Try to approach it with positive, optimistic attitude (even if this doesn’t come automatically). Last thing at night is not ideal,  as it is easy to put it off when you are tired at the very end of the day.

Please remember: the idea is to do what you can without causing pain. You may feel a little discomfort when first starting the exercises.

  • Start with the smallest
  • Prop yourself up semi-reclined on a bed/chair/sofa. Bending your hips and knees a little may
  • To prepare, you could try actively relaxing your pelvic floor muscles using your breathing (see our separate information leaflet – Pelvic Floor Exercises for Psychosexual Therapy).
  • A helpful first step can be to practice resting the tip of the smallest dilator at your vaginal entrance and using your breathing to keep your pelvic floor This will help you to overcome the reflex you may have developed, where your pelvic floor tenses up at the prospect of something entering your vagina.
  • When you think your pelvic floor is relaxed, take your time to gently slip the smallest dilator (covered in lubricant) into your vagina. Most vaginas slope up and backwards towards your tailbone. It may help to focus on your breathing, to reduce any physical and mental tension. The dilator doesn’t necessarily have to be fully
  • Leave the dilator in place for 1 to 10 minutes, keeping your pelvic floor You will be able to increase the length of time gradually with practice. If you stop noticing that the dilator is in there this is great– you are really relaxed! Repeat daily until comfortable.
  • When using the dilators, try not to get too caught up with thoughts or focused on emotions. Instead, bring your attention to your physical sensations as you use the dilators, or to the sensations of your breath in your body.
  • When ready, try the next size up from the one you are using. You may find it helpful to try 1 minute of the size that you are comfortable with before using the larger size immediately after. Continue in this way until it is possible to insert the larger size straight into your vagina.
  • Gradually increase the size of dilator you are using, remembering you should be comfortable with a given size for up to 10 minutes, feeling the muscles are fully relaxed around it, before you move on to the next.  If these exercises cause bleeding, or if you have difficult thoughts or feelings about using the dilators, which you feel are getting in the way, please discuss this with your doctor, physiotherapist, nurse or psychosexual counsellor.

Cleaning the dilators

Dilators should be washed in hot soapy water and rinsed thoroughly after each use. They do not need to be sterilized. They can be stored in the case provided.

Toe Sucking For Beginners

sucking toes

Would you like to have more fun with your partner? In that case, you should consider introducing toe sucking into your relationship. Yes, I know, it may sound “ick”. But, there is more to toe sucking than meets the eye. In fact, sucking your partner’s toes is often a deeply sensual experience when done in the right way.

Basic Facts About Toe Sucking

If you have never sucked your partner’s toes before, you should carry on reading. When it comes to toe sucking, there are one or two things you want to know before you get started.

Is Toe Sucking A Fetish?

Of course, there are those who would argue that two sucking is a fetish. For some sucking toes is a fetish. They get turned on by having their toes sucked or played with by someone else. There is a good reason why having your toes sucked or played with is such a turn on.

Our toes are packed with the most fantastic network of nerves. Did you know that our toes are as sensitive as our fingertips? When stimulated in the right way, the nerves in our toes send signals to the brain. As a result, feel-good neurotransmitters called endomorphins are activated. An endomorphin is a natural opioid that gives you a high.

This is probably how the pleasure of toe sucking was discovered in the first place.

Clean Feet And Toes

You should always inspect your partner’s toes before you suck them. If he or she has any warts or ulcers , you certainly should not suck their toes. Any virus or bacteria present is easily transferred into your mouth. In a worst case scenario, they can cause oral and throat infections.

If you don’t find any warts or ulcers on the toes, it is a good idea to clean the toes. Make it into a pleasurable experience by using a pleasant smelling wipe or scented cotton cloth. It can easily be made part of the experience.

Set Yourself Up For Some Good Toe Sucking

Before you start, make sure your partner is comfortable. Laying on a bed works for some while others prefer sitting in a chair. The foot quickly becomes heavy when you have to hold it. Consider resting it on a pillow or a foot rest.

Start by inspecting the toes and then clean the area. Perhaps you can turn the entire thing into a bit of a game. Pretend your a toe specialist and you need to treat the toes to make them feel better.

A Truly Sensual Toe Sucking Experience

To make the experience even more enjoyable, you should consider adding other fun things to your toe sucking experience. For instance, you could kiss the toes and lick them. However, the first thing you should do is to massage the toes.

Massaging the toes will stimulate blood flow and start to stimulate delicate nerve endings. That will cause the nervous system to trigger the release of endomorphins. As you carry on playing with the entire toe area, the nervous system will carry on stimulating the brain.

Kissing, massaging and licking are all fun ideas to add to your toe sucking session with your partner. Remember that the toes are delicate. It is best not to get too heavy handed with the toes.

Should You Bite The Toes?

The jury is out on this one. A little bit of a nibble may not hurt, but biting the toes is not such a good idea. It can break the skin and cause problems with your partner’s toes.

Believe it or not, toes bruise easily. This is not going to look nice.

Also, the skin around the nail can break. Should this happen, infections can enter the bloodstream. That could put a stop to your toe sucking pleasure for a while. Broken skin can lead to infections such as Athlete’s foot. That is the last thing you want when you plan to carry on enjoying your toe sucking sessions.

Don’t forget to ask your partner to return the favor. Once you have tried toe sucking, you will find that it is an activity that you can both enjoy. Add a little bit of role play, and you will soon be having a great time playing and sucking each other’s toes.

These Feet Were Made For Loving

Kinky Feet

Do you or your partner have a foot fetish? Having a foot fetish is more common than you may think. Most of us have fetishes that we would like to express. One of the most common fetishes is a foot fetish. There are numerous reasons why a man or a woman may have a fetish. Here are a few interesting facts about foot fetishes. Carry on reading to find out what is so special about feet.

Is It Okay To Have A Foot Fetish?

Yes, it is perfectly okay to have a foot fetish. It is perhaps the most common fetish. Playing with the feet is a concept that has been around for thousands of years. The ancient Romans did it, so why should we not do it?

Playing with the feet is an intense erotic experience for some. For others, it is just a pleasurable experience. Many of our most essential nerve path ways end in the feet. When stimulated in the right sort of way, our feet can bring us enormous pleasure.

That is not the only reason people get turned on by feet. Others simply like the look of feet. Eventually that can trigger a foot fetish.

A foot fetish is not something that is likely to go away. Once you have it, it will be with you for the rest of your life.

Does A Foot Fetish Always Involve Sex?

That is the funny thing about foot fetishes. They do not always lead to you having to act them out as part of a sexual scenario. Some men and women can control their foot fetishes. Regular pedicures may be enough for some while others may just need that little bit.

How Do You Tell Your Partner You Have A Foot Fetish?

That could be the tricky bit. Women are not normally turned off by foot fetishes unless they have a thing about not touching the feet. But, if a man’s foot fetish involves vaginal or anal sex, women may put the brakes on.

When you a serious about pursuing your foot fetish with your partner, it is a good idea to get her involved. You can introduce her by starting to massage her feet. Most women like it when a man massages their feet. Don’t forget that women often walk around in high heels all day. It is not unusual for a woman to come home with aching feet. Treat her to a foot massage and see where it takes you.

The other thing you can do, is to buy her some nice foot care cream. Peppermint based creams smell nice and is easy to apply. Start by massaging her feet and then gently suggest she massages your feet.

Is It Safe To Play With Feet?

That is a good question. Before you start playing with your partner’s feet, you should check them out. Make sure that he or she does not suffer from any foot problems.

Broken skin and redness in between the toes, may indicate the present of a fungal condition such as Athlete’s foot. Also check for warts and cuts.

Once you have established there are no problems, start by giving your partner’s feet a wash. Let them soak in a nice warm bowl or foot spa for about 10 minutes. Towel them dry and then proceed to apply foot cream. The experience can easily be turned into a role playing or foreplay session.

Fun Things To Do With Feet

Massaging is a great way to play with someone’s feet. When you do so, make sure that your massage the entire foot – not just the underneath of the foot. The upper part of the foot has many nerve endings that can do with stimulation.

However, there are many other ways in which to have fun with feet. Kissing and licking are two experiences many lovers of foot fetishes enjoy.

And how about sending up some good vibrations? Using a vibrator to stimulate the foot and ankle area is a great way to get someone going.

A foot fetish is not something you need to be ashamed of at all. Just make sure that you play safe and have fun doing so. Remember that couples that play together, are often the couples that end up staying together.