The Gay Sex Talk Everyone Needs To Hear

Education for LGBT

I know a bit about sex these days, but that’s primarily because I work within the sex Industry. I do talks with queer youth, I’ve worked in adult stores, and a lot of my academic research and writings centred on gender studies, sex and sexuality and the social sciences before I continued on with my teaching degree. One thing that keeps popping up though is the sex talk. The sex talk is something that a lot of people take for granted – at some stage, many parents sit down with their kids and they fumble their way through the birds and the bees story.

Let’s strip that back for a moment – how on earth does a heterosexual parent have the sex talk with their LGBTQ+ kids?

A mother would have no clue what sex is like for men, let alone gay men, so how would a parent communicate this idea of sex with their queer children? Consider this – a queer child might already feel isolated and alone as a result of their heteronormative family unit and peers, so where are they going to turn to for the information that they so desperately need? Queer children, when it comes to sexual education, are often left to fend for themselves, instead turning to LGBT friendly pornography, peers, and youth support networks for their information – and that’s assuming that they have access to these networks, and are willing to access these networks without fear of being persecuted or outed.

LGBT sex education
Image: Inclusive Sex Ed

We know that the mechanics of sex are completely different for LGBTQ people in so many ways, same sex intimate encounters aren’t for the purpose of reproduction. It’s about the experience and enjoyment of pleasure, not to mention the release of all that sexual frustration. With this in mind, queer youth are so unprepared for their first sexual encounter. I remember my own first sexual encounter with another man, and it was and still is one of the most awkward encounters of my life. I barely knew what I was doing, and I was so damn nervous that it was an absolute struggle keeping it up. I merely repeated exactly what he did to me, and what I’d seen in porn.

Going up to my mother and asking how I give a blowjob was completely and utterly out of the question. Asking my mother about how to have anal sex was a thought so incomprehensible that I don’t think that it ever crossed my mind. Thankfully, I’d received enough of a sexual education that I knew condoms were vital, and I vaguely knew how STIs could be contracted, but how to deal with the pain of having a cock shoved up my ass, or how to make sure that my partner was feeling good as I thrusted back and forth like a rabbit concerned only with the feelings that it was giving me? Not a fucking clue.

We can’t deny that out heterosexual counterparts do receive some of their sexual education from their families. We’ve all heard that story of that friend who received sex tips from their grandmother on how to make sure that their man is happy. Sure, this kind of stuff is often outdated, and focuses on how to keep him interested (as if your personality, and charisma just isn’t enough) but there are some families that talk about sex, and sex tips afterall sex education is very important.

The queer sex talk is just as important as the sex talk with your kids

It’s not just about ensuring that they have the information, but from a parent’s perspective it’s about ensuring that your child doesn’t feel alone and that they’re getting supportive information. So, before you take a proactive and sex positive approach and go running off to your child to talk about all the different kinds of sex in the world that there is, take a step back, and breathe. You don’t need to know tips on how to give a blow job, or cunnlingus pointers, but you do need to know how to keep your child safe, and that’s separate to the idea that they may not even have come out yet.

Firstly, they may or may not be even gay/lesbian/queer. It’s important not to overthink what’s considered to be the ‘early signs’ of a child’s development. So, your son likes to walk around in heels and your daughter wants to be a truck driver? Not only are these incredibly stereotypical, but we need to let kids be kids and for that, a parent needs to wait until the child is comfortable enough to bring it up on their own terms. You can absolutely make sure that your language is inclusive, and that there does exist queer relationships and different kinds of families, but your child needs to work through their feelings, and begin to understand them before they can start talking about them and that’s where supportive words about LGBTQ people and causes can go a long way towards inclusivity, and ensuring that they’re brought up in a supportive environment. Regardless of whether they’re queer or not, it’s a great habit to be in.

So what do you do if your child does come out as queer?

Firstly, support them, let them know that they’re still amazing people and that they’re loved. Secondly, get the help and resources that you need by reaching out for support if you need it yourself. These two steps are very important especially when there are many challenges when people come out as queer.

As for the mechanics? Just don’t do it.

All you’ll need to do is to take out the baby making process for your sex talk, discuss safer sex and protection in a gender inclusive way and point them in the right direction.

Author: Stephen is a consultant from Oh Zone Adult Lifestyle Centres

Stephen is a cis-gendered gay male who spends far too much time with his two cats and eating tim tams. A self-identified sex-positive advocate he cares deeply about gender equality, disabilities, sexual education and social issues. Opinionated and bold he isn’t afraid to speak his mind and say what others won’t. With a yearning for knowledge and experience in all things relating to sex, he is a prolific writer that has developed the content for a myriad of informative Sexual Health and Wellness websites.

Stephen’s articles and writings tends to focus on social issues, sexual education, queer issues and all things fetish and absurd. He comes qualified with the completion of a double Bachelor degree in Social Sciences and literature, and a Masters in Education.

Dr. Stacy, My Husband Won’t Speak About Our Intimacy Issues!

Sexless marriage

This month Adultsmart’s clinical sexologist and certified sex coach Dr. Stacy Friedman has answered three questions which were anonymously sent in to askasexologist@gmail.com. Be sure to read them, who knows she may have answered one of yours!

Question

My relationship with my husband has gone cold.  There is little intimacy and our bedroom is all but dead.  Our kids are now older and our discussions regularly turn into arguments.  I have seen a counselor but when I suggested he see one or we see one together he says we don’t need too.  How do I get him to see that things are not that good and we need help?

Dr. Stacy Friedmans Answer

I am sorry to hear things are not so good on the home front and it’s unfortunate that you don’t seem to have a partner that understands the urgency of the situation.  I try to tell people that if you have a partner asking for help or to get help, it is usually a dire situation that can go downhill fast if not taken care of. If your partner isn’t willing to do anything for the marriage and you have expressed concern and desire to seek help, there isn’t much you can do other than work on personal growth and start weighing your options of what you want for your future, to stay and do nothing or go.  I would ask him why he doesn’t feel that you need to see a counselor, what scares him about going, what does he think is going to happen if  you go as well as what could be the worst and best scenario if he did decide to go.  If he still says he doesn’t want to go then try to have a conversation with him and ask him if he is happy with the way the relationship is and if he says no, see what his suggestions are to work on things.  Maybe if he sees you are open to listening to him, he will make some suggestions that could be helpful.

What about getting away together for a weekend where it is just the two of you and you have an opportunity to connect and talk?  Are you having any intimacy or sex?  If not, ask him if he wants to improve that, see if he thinks that could be better.  If so, you need to try to work on things together to make it happen.  There are many people that don’t believe in therapy or counseling and for some people it doesn’t work because many times they have waited too long and there is no turning back. Sometimes it makes a huge impact and saves a marriage but also, people may be afraid that by going to therapy they may eventually have to make a decision on their future and it is scary so people would rather just ignore and not go.  Find out what his fears are and then find out what his future goals are and if he wants you to be a part of it, he needs to tend to your fears and goals to make the marriage work.

Question

I come from a large immediate and extended family but to my knowledge not one of them is LGBTQIA+ nor do any of them hang out or have friends that are gay or queer.  I am 21 and know in myself that I am homosexual but have not come out.  It is like a big, dirty secret that hangs over my head as I feel that my family will not accept me if I do come out.  A couple of times I have gone out by myself to some gay bar I know about but as soon as anyone approached me I felt revulsion about the whole gay thing and rushed home. It is overwhelming and sometimes I feel incredibly sad and frustrated. What should I do?

Coming out as gay
Image: Coming out

Dr. Stacy Friedman’s Answer

It is a completely normal to feel confusion, frustration and potential revulsion because it is something that is still taboo in society and can make you question who you are and what you believe.  Since you aren’t accepting of yourself, you see the disgust that others may see in your own eyes but that isn’t reality.  Loving someone for who they are is a beautiful thing once accepting that within yourself. In order to be comfortable coming out to others, you need to first be comfortable in yourself and the understanding that you are perfect the way you are and that there is nothing wrong with being gay.  You are attracted to whom you are attracted to and that is nothing that you can change.

What makes you think they wouldn’t be accepting of you?  Do they not believe in the LGBTQIA+ population? Have they said things offensive? Are you close to at least one of your parents that you can have a talk with? What about another trusted adult or maybe a therapist near you that can help? I do Skype calls for people that aren’t local and I would be happy to help you get the confidence you need to be who you are, as that is one of my specialties so let me know if you want to make an appointment.  In the meantime, surround yourself with others that are gay, support groups, maybe a local place that has resources.  That way you aren’t in an environment where it may be more “sexual” such as a club so you can get to the point of acceptance and self-love and then be able to move forward.  You need to have support and you shouldn’t have to lie to get it so maybe slowly breach the subject to your family by bringing up someone else in the media to gage what they think about the LGBTQIA+ population and go from there.  I am here of you wanted to make an appointment for extra support.  You shouldn’t have to go through this alone.

Would you like free professional advice from a Clinical Sexologist & Certified Sex Coach? Dr. Stacy Friedman may answer your question for FREE in a featured article on Adultsmart’s Blog! If you would like to send in a question please email askasexologist@gmail.com.

Bisexual’s Bi-curious Facts And Figures

Woman on Woman, Men on Men

In this article, we are going to talk about the question “what is bisexuality?”.

What is a bisexual?

A bisexual is a man or woman who is sexually attracted to both sexes. There are varying degrees of bisexuality. People can find out they are bisexual at different stages in their life.

Is bisexuality common?

Bisexuality is extremely common nowadays. You will find many bisexual people around you without even knowing it. In the United States of America, 9 million Americans (3.5%) identify as lesbian, gay or as sexually promiscuous. Around 19 million Americans (8.2%) have reported that they have participated in same-sex sexual conduct and about 25.6 million Americans (11%) have some same-sex sexual fascination. There are additionally about 700,000 transgender people in the US.

Bisexual information
Image: Bisexuality

In Australia, 11 in 100 people are diverse in their sexual identity or gender identity.

 

LBGT statistics
Image: Australian LGBTI Facts and Figures

Is it wrong to have sexual desires for both sexes?

It is not wrong to have these desires or engage in bisexual behaviour. It is actually very normal and many people do – even people who consider themselves to be straight. It is not a crime! You have the full right to enjoy your life in any way you like as long as it is not at the expense of others! Some people suppress their sexuality due to what they have been taught through their families, friends, religion and society.

Why do people explore their bisexuality?

Many people will explore their bisexuality to find out their true sexual identity. It is better than living in the closet. Bisexuality can add an excellent spark in your sexual lifestyle. If you consider yourself as a bisexual, you can explore your bisexuality in a number of ways.

Many people are not aware of their bisexuality

Sexual thoughts can be confusing especially if you don’t have a lot of sexual experience. Many people have secret desires to experiment and experience intimacy with people of the same sex. Some people view themselves as a straight person who can get turned on by the same-sex. Some straight people even watch gay porn, bisexual porn and lesbian porn. Many people fantasize about having a threesome and some actually do it. Threesomes are considered to be a bisexual fantasy even if both the lovers you are with are of the opposite sex.

It is not like homosexuality, where you slowly discover that you’re attracted to the same sex but it can be even more confusing. Bisexuals do not get a clear cut definition of who they like and don’t like, rather they experience a blurred landscape whereby they discover that they have feelings for both sexes and they struggle to identify with this. Some people do not know whether they are bisexual or not.

Is there a test to identify a person’s sexuality?

The Kinsey Scale rates people from 0 to 6. A rating of 0 means that a person is exclusively heterosexual and a rating of 6 means that a person is exclusively homosexual. People are also able to rate in-between these numbers. The Kinsey Scale determined that sexuality is not only situational but there is no standard sexuality. The Kinsey Scale is also known as the Heterosexual–Homosexual Rating Scale.

Some bisexuals conceal their sexual identity

Most bisexual people do not want to bring attention to their sexual identity. In fact, they tend to conceal their sexual identity and make friends in general social circles. This often presents enormous pressure when a bi person gets to know a person more intimately as they then have a dilemma as to whether to tell their new friend their sexual identity. If two bi people live together with each other then they can better understand each other and they also can support each other whether they are in a relationship together or not. But bisexuals often try to hide their true selves, they often fail to find the perfect partner for them as a bisexual person.  It is really difficult to find the perfect bisexual partner when often they do not know whether a person is bisexual or not. Normally people say that to find the perfect partner is very difficult but finding a bisexual partner is even harder than that.

It is important to keep in mind that there can be many issues when someone comes out with their sexuality which is one of the reasons some people do not talk about their sexual preferences. One of the other reasons is that most of the time a person’s sexual identity does not come up in day to day conversation. Although times have changed with the raising of awareness of different sexual identities and the legalisation of same-sex marriage almost all around the world!

Bisexual Pink Purple Blue Flag
Image: Bisexual Flag

How to meetup and date other bisexuals?

A quick and very useful way to find and make bisexual friends and lovers is to use adult dating websites and applications. Once you meet up, you both have the opportunity remain friends, become lovers or move on and find someone completely different. When trying to find a dating match you should be patient and meet up when the timing is right. Love who you are and your sexuality, share your love with the person who you choose is your best match. If they see you trying, they may try just as much as you do.

Bisexuals and long term relationships

Some people are afraid that if they had a relationship with a bisexual that there would be relationship problems. People are often scared that a bisexual may leave them for a person of the same or opposite sex as there is more people that they can choose to date. Some people are scared that may never be able to fully satisfy a bisexual. Some people also struggle to understand that someone can be attracted to multiple types of people. There are many myths about bisexuals.

The truth is, many people get through life, believing that the person that they have married is the love of their life, but they inevitably realise that there is something missing within their lives. Some people act on this, either in the form of threesomes or with an extramarital affair, and others will simply ignore this and move on.

Many bisexuals can have a monogamous relationship with just one long term partner even though they have an inclination to be with a person of the opposite sex to their partner. If you are married or in a committed relationship and you are planning on exploring your sexuality, it is recommended that you honestly communicate with your partner your sexual needs.

If you intend to build a serious relationship with a bisexual person then you will need to accept the idea that your partner may find people of both sexes attractive. Remember, a leopard cannot change it’s spots no more than a bisexual can change their sexual desires. Take your relationship slowly, be as open and honest when you’re dating. If you create a foundation of honesty and trust, you can build a healthy relationship.

Bisexuals and sex toys

There is now a large range of sex toys for bisexuals including strapless strap-ons, strap-on dildos and harnesses.

Are there any bisexual celebrities?

There are a lot of celebrities and YouTube stars who are bisexual including Drew Barrymore, Angelina Jolie, Amy Winehouse, Lindsay Lohan, Shane Dawson, Lady Gaga and Marlon Brandon just to name a few who come to mind! Below I have included a video of the YouTube star “Shane Dawson” who has over 16.4 million subscribers on his YouTube channel.

Why do people love bisexuals?

Many people love bisexual people as they are conscious of their sexuality and needs within a relationship.

Richard runs the marketing and social profiles of adultsmart and adultsmart blog. He has been in the industry just over 10 years and enjoys his role both in an administrative capacity as well keeping abreast of issues relating to sexual health and lifestyles.

Bi & Married Dilemma Of A Woman At Mardis Gras!

Mardi Gras

Happy Mardi Gras everyone! I love this time of year, everyone is gearing up in their rainbow kit and is ready to take to the streets loud and proud like it should be. Mardi Gras is one of the many things that makes me so proud to be Australian. I am so thankful for the work of the 78’ers and the groups and activists that came before and after them, because of these people our LGBTQIA+ sisters, brothers and non-binary family enjoy a level of equality that seemed unattainable 20 years ago (that isn’t to say the work is done *cough* Trans rights *cough*). We are celebrating the achievements of this marginalised community, showing up in support of them and finally at long last celebrating that we now have marriage equality!

LGBTQIA+ marriage equality passed
Image: Marriage Equality

Is this for me? A married bi girl’s interesting relationship with Mardi Gras!

However for a bi girl who is in a relationship with a man (whom I also married) Mardi Gras can be a conflicting time for me. While I love Mardi Gras soooo much (seriously we need to start decorating our houses for Mardi Gras the way we do for Christmas) it is hard to see it as a celebration that I can be completely involved in. I feel this way because I have been told repeatedly to my face that I am, “not really queer” and while that pisses me right off, I also totally get where that perception comes from. As a white, straight seeming woman, I have not experienced the same level of discrimination and hard ship that some members of my LGBTQIA+ family have. I have never received an odd look or worse for holding my husband’s hand down the street; no one has ever threatened violence towards me because of my outwardly perceived sexuality or any of the other awful bullshit that is thrown unfairly towards the community.  I have had a charmed queer experience by comparison, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t had a queer experience. My queer experience may have been quieter than some others but it was profound and extremely important to me and the person I am still becoming.

So here is my problem, I am queer; I know this in my heart and my pants. But I also see people’s points to the contrary as well, I haven’t experienced the hardships that other members of the LGBTQIA+ community has; and because of this I understand how this may to some jade my “queer status.”

But this year, with Mardi Gras around the corner it got me thinking does a queer person have to go through a degree of torment to be considered properly queer or are we now getting to a point in our society (White Anglo-Saxon society, I acknowledge that this isn’t the case for many people both in and outside of Australia) where a queer person doesn’t have to have battle scars to be accepted. Isn’t that what the 78’ers were marching for in the first place?  Wide spread societal acceptance? I think so. I love hearing about young people now who didn’t have to “come out” to their parents, they just brought home the person they liked and were accepted for it, I love hearing about how queerness is now becoming part of normalness.

That doesn’t mean for a damn second I want us to lose our identity as a community, I want us to expand the idea of what the queer experience is. So that means for out, loud and wonderful queens, acceptance.  The button down corporate girl who isn’t all about her sexuality, acceptance. A non-binary person just existing, acceptance.

This is in no way a critique of the LGBTQIA+ community (in fact, the only people to tell me I wasn’t queer were straight people) it is rather a catch cry for wider society to expand its idea and definition of queerness so queer people can be whoever the hell they want. At last.

Happy Mardi Gras 😊  If you are looking for help or support, check out the LGBTQIA+ services available in your local community.

Author: Jamie is a consultant from Oh Zone Adult Lifestyle Centres

Jennifer works marketing at Adultsmart an online sex toy shop. She has a non-judgemental approach to sex, sex toys and sexuality. Her favorite saying is if it feels good and right and is not illegal then why not!

Staying Clear – Safe Sex Isn’t Quick Sex

Gay sex

You see him at the club. He sees you. You smile. He smiles. And then he comes on over to you. You dance. You drink. Your hands are all over each other – feeling, devouring each other’s bodies. Staring into each other’s eyes. Lips. Kissing. Tongues flickering. You can both feel the lust rising between you – the heat between your legs as you want him. And he wants you. He reaches towards your pants and feels you – you know what he wants as he smirks and you lean in closer, your lips brushing against his ears as your alcohol filled breath makes the hands on his neck stand up and he leans forward hungrily. You open your mouth, closer . . .

“I’ve had my sexual health test recently. What about you?”

It’s a question that we don’t ask often enough and it’s more prevalent than ever. The introduction of PrEP has arguably lulled the gay community into a false sense of security and it’s certainly something that we need to shore up. PrEP is an acronym that stands for pre-exposure prophylaxis. It’s an antiretroviral drug that an individual would take daily to protect from, and prevent HIV infection. However, whilst Individuals on PrEP might be protected from the dangers of HIV, it certainly doesn’t make them immune to other sexually transmitted illnesses such as gonorrhoea, chlamydia, herpes and genital warts, and a range of other easily transmitted illnesses.

PrEP pill
Image: PrEP

One would easily be mistaken in the idea that the older generations would see less sexually transmitted diseases – however, statistics have indicated a worrying trend indicating sexually transmitted illnesses in the 50-70 category has risen by more than a third in the past decade. So what do the gay community and the older sexually active community have in common?

Many people in this category are under the false belief that they don’t need to use condoms anymore and it’s a recent concern that’s coming up within the queer community with the approval of PrEP on the PBS scheme. There is a concern among some parts of the medical community that argue that PrEP should not be replacing condoms. Yes, it dramatically minimises the risk of HIV, but all the other STI’s shouldn’t be forgotten either.

A French study in 2016 that went alongside the PrEP study found that individuals who knew they were on PrEP (not a placebo) had a significant decrease of condom use by up to 20% of the levels of condom use they had before being on PrEP.  A South African academic study published in 2017 on female sex workers indicated reductions in condom use on people using PrEP. The article noted that efforts to promote condom use among female sex workers on PrEP would be critical in raising the effectiveness of a decrease in STI and HIV transmissions. Closer to home, an Australian study in 2017 noted a 23% decrease in HIV infection rates during the PrEP trial, but a marked increase in STI’s. Gonorrhoea is particularly troubling as drug-resistant strains are starting to pop up around the world – though it has not yet been reported within Australian shores. This research indicates that it is critical to check your sexual partner’s health before engaging in sex.

It’s often considered a boner-killing conversation, but sexual health should come before all sexual desires and whilst it has this loathsome reputation of being a heat killer – it doesn’t have to be. I write this with the knowledge of a true story around a young questioning male who decided to engage in sexual relations with an older man. This was his first male-to-male sexual encounter and he heartbreakingly contracted HIV as a result. This young male – exploring his sexuality – had now contracted an illness that was going to be with him for the rest of his life as a result of having unprotected sex. I’m not here to argue the morality of this case or advocate for mandatory safe sex, and whilst I acknowledge that this isn’t a common situation – it demonstrates how the decisions of multiple people have led to such an event and it highlights the importance of checking in with your sexual partner. One could argue that neither of them knew, one could also argue that they should have worn protection – but as you’d know reading this, in the heat of the moment these questions come second to the driving factor of sexual arousal and desire.

Safe sex isn’t quick sex. It’s not about lust, it’s not about the heat of the moment.  You shouldn’t be asking the question in the club whilst you’re dancing, and you certainly shouldn’t be asking in the toilet when you’re on your knees with his dick in your mouth – so when is a good time?

Ideally, you shouldn’t have the conversation when you’re aroused. Though I recognise the difficulty for some people in this especially when it comes to situational sex that arises through partying, clubbing and other events. It can simply be a quick statement and question of ‘I’ve had my last sexual health check recently – when was yours?’ If they can’t remember, or won’t disclose, then you might want to reconsider your chosen playmate for the night and it might just be time to head home. In such situational sex circumstances, it would be best to ALWAYS wear a condom.

In an ideal situation, you’d want to be having the conversation once you realise that there’s an attraction. Where you can both sit down without interruptions and ask a similarly phrased question. You need to remember that talking about one’s sexual health involves the disclosure of their last sexual health check, whether they’ve had an STI and whether they’ve been treated for it – it doesn’t involve sexual partner history or any form of judgement on previous choices made. There’s no right A-B-C to having the conversation – but keeping it free from accusations and judgement will certainly make it go a lot easier – remembering that it’s about ensuring each other’s safety, and not a personal inquisition. If you have concerns, politely and gently, bring them up or suggest that you go and get checked together. I assure you, knowing that you’re both sexually clear will allow you to have stress-free check and will eliminate the need to awkwardly visit the doctor later on for questions or an urgent check for that night where you just didn’t put it on.

Author: Stephen Smith – BA Of Social Sciences, M.Ed

Stephen is a cis-gendered gay male who spends far too much time with his two cats and eating tim tams. A self-identified sex-positive advocate he cares deeply about gender equality, disabilities, sexual education and social issues. Opinionated and bold he isn’t afraid to speak his mind and say what others won’t. With a yearning for knowledge and experience in all things relating to sex, he is a prolific writer that has developed the content for a myriad of informative Sexual Health and Wellness websites.

Stephen’s articles and writings tends to focus on social issues, sexual education, queer issues and all things fetish and absurd. He comes qualified with the completion of a double Bachelor degree in Social Sciences and literature, and a Masters in Education.