Dealing with an unusual sex drive

crazy sex

Now, I know there are other women out there who, like myself, who have no idea what they want or desire sexually. Sometimes its crazy and you can’t even look at your significant other without mentally undressing them and jumping their bones as soon as the opportunity arises. But also, at other times when the opportunity presents itself, its just shrugged off like meh. But then other times you might really want it but then you also kind of don’t at the same time. Well, I’m here to tell you, you’re not alone.

To some, yes this may sound crazy, but it can be really frustrating.

I have been dealing with these kinds of issues through my entire sexually active life. It’s almost like there’s a little gremlin in your head pushing all the wrong buttons at the most inconvenient of times. And this can sometimes really ruin the mood, especially if you have made all the moves to hint that you are up for it but then all of a sudden, it’s gone and your partner is left extremely confused.

I’ve had partners in the past who I had never confided in about these feelings as they where never willing to talk or communicate about much sexual stuff. To them it was “sex is sex”. So, let me tell you, COMMUNICATION IS KEY! If they don’t know how you feel or what you want, then you’ll never be satisfied or content with the sex you have with them and it may even be the other way around, how will you know what they want if they don’t communicate it with you.

When I first met my current partner, of course like any relationship at the start, every time you’re with them you want to go at it like rabbits but that doesn’t last forever and if you’re like me, that period is even shorter again. So naturally, we grew out of that stage, but we still went at it a fair amount, it never just stopped and for some reason that amazed me, especially because I was very rarely up for sex as it was. Surely enough we moved in together, my sex drive went back to its normal wacky self, but he naturally has a high sex drive. This is where the communication started where I had never had it before. All he wanted was to please me, that’s what got him off, he wanted to know exactly what I wanted, where I wanted it and how long I wanted it for! I was absolutely blown away (no pun intended).

I’d never experienced a man, so hell bent on pleasing me. At this point I somewhat started to open to him about what I wanted but was still too shy to completely lay out what I thought was wrong with me as I though it may affect our relationship and how he saw me.

Turns out I should have told him straight up, like I said communication is key 100%. We got further into our relationship and he would occasionally ask questions like “You don’t seem like you want it, what’s wrong?” or “Are you still into me?”. When these questions started becoming more frequent and concerning, it made me realise that not only was this affecting me, but he was slowly noticing more and more that something wasn’t quite right, and it was starting to affect him too. So, we sat down and spoke about it all and I mean ALL, there was emotions, tears and feelings being released like nothing else. He comforted me and made me feel okay with who I am and these feelings I had that made me feel not normal.

The fact that I had finally spoken to him and opened up about how I felt helped not only our sex life but also helped our relationship. He now knows that if I seem a bit off chances are, I’m not up for it and he will realise that rather than going just ahead with it.

 

  • COMMUNICATION!   Always remember that this should be your first thought. Like I said earlier, how will either of you know how you feel or what you want if you don’t discuss and understand each other.
  • I found that sex toys really helped me cope with what I was dealing with. For example, if I really didn’t feel like doing anything but he was raring to go. Pull out the toy and go to town! I enjoyed and was more than happy to help him because I knew he was enjoying it and I was still helping him. At other times I wouldn’t have felt like physically doing the deed but for some reason I felt comfortable using toys. Let me tell you, men are more than happy to watch that! You can still enjoy each other’s company in a different and possibly more personal way.
  • Watching porn together.  Now I know this one may be a bit of a grey area as some couples don’t agree on watching porn at all. But if you’re open to it and they want to get down and dirty but you’re just not sure, ask them to watch porn with you beforehand. You may find you where in the mood for it you just didn’t know yet.
  • Physical foreplay. If you know what turns you on and you know what might get you in the mood, hell even if you don’t know but you want to do the deed, try some foreplay, go with the flow, and see where it goes. Tell him where to go, guide him and tell him what feels good.
  • Being relaxed. Always be sure that you are comfortable and relaxed with your significant other and environment when getting freaky. At the end of the day, its your body. They may be your partner but if you’re not comfortable, NO MEANS NO and they need to respect that and vice versa.

Kaylah and Oh Zone Adult Store consultant.

Anorgasmia

female sexual health

Say it with me now.

An-or-gaz-mia

 

What is it? It is the inability to reach orgasm. Whether this is vaginally, clitorally, penally or at all. Anorgasmia.

 

Today we will be talking about female Anorgasmia because I have been talking more and more to ciswomen who not only feel the pressure to have an orgasm during intercourse but feel that there is something inherently wrong with them that they can’t or haven’t had an orgasm either at all, or during intercourse with their partner.

 

And it causes them considerable mental stress and significant emotional turmoil.

 

I am not yet an expert but I do have a lot of experience. I am well read in this and I have conversed with many people about this and through research both academic and of my own volition there is nothing wrong with not being able to achieve orgasm.

 

A study in both America and the UK showed that over 70% of women volunteered that they either had very infrequent orgasms or none at all. Out of those 70% many explained that occasionally they could achieve orgasm during penetrative intercourse if they stimulated their clitoras during play. Others reported that they waited and masturbated after penetrative intercourse was finished. Others reported that they “faked” an orgasm to cover up not being able to achieve one.

 

Upon further academic and article research I found that there is quite the stigma around cis women “faking” orgasms because they feel that they are expected to, or that they don’t want to disappoint their partner. As instagram @froeticsexology says “orgasms don’t define good sex” and highlights that we should be aiminf for pleasure instead of orgasms.

 

Anorgasmia can occur because of many factors and can be resolved, if it causes you concern or distress. Anorgasmia can stem from:

  • psychological reasons,

  • PTSD,

  • stress,

  • medication,

  • physicality or

  • barriers to stimulation

  • to name a few.

 

Different methods can be used and explored to resolve Anorgasmia. Your doctor may be able to assist with anorgasmia, other health professionals can also prove to be beneficial, such as a psychologist, or counsellor or even selecting and speaking to a Sexologist or Sex therapist. Sexologists are growin in number and awareness within our community, providing accredited information to our communication and helping in educating, breaking the stigma around sex and assisting us in feeling comfortable in discussing all things sex. Head over to https://societyaustraliansexologists.org.au/practitioner-directory/ to find an accredited sex therapist near you.

 

Another method which is highly effective with Anorgasmia is relaxation and self exploration. Solo.

 

These days there is much pressure on us, sexually and in everyday life. Both of these can sometimes be linked to anorgasmia.  Relaxation and getting in touch with your own body, in your own time, no pressure, no expectations can be a great way to connect and engage with your body and your feelings and your pleasure. Self exploration and masturbation is the next key. Take it slow. Explore your body, your skin, lips, nipples, clitoras, labia and vagina. Slowly. Use toys to help you explore the senses. Try vibrations and heat, rotations and thrusting.

 

Using insertables, try finding your g-spot. Release the notion that the vagina is full of nerves and hold in your mind that the pleasure of the vagina is pressure. The nerves are mainly felt through the clitoral root that wraps around the vagina, lending its sensation to the G spot. Use a g spot vibe or your fingers to curl against this spot half a finger length up into your vgainal entrance.

 

Some cis women may not orgasm from the G pot, remember this isn’t just about orgasm, its about pleasure. But let’s delve a little deeper. Some women need their A spot stimulated to climax.

 

The A spot is so aptly named for the anterior fornix which is located towards the rear of your vaginal cavity just before your cervix. The A spot focuses the most on pressure. So stimulating the spot with a broad head of a toy and rubbing or massaging this spot will focus the greatest amount of pleasure. Utilising a massage wand that  is able to be inserted will provide a large/broad head and powerful and concentrated point of vibration that will stimulate both the A-spot and the G-spot simultaneously.

 

If attempting to explore the A-spot and it is a tad uncomfortable it is very possible that you are not aroused enough and that you’re hitting the cervix or “bottoming out” take a breath. When cis-women are aroused the vaginal canal extends up into the abdomen, tucking the cervix out of harm’s way. The A-spot is on the tummy side of the cervix. The P-spot (aptly named for the Posterior Fornix- did you guess?) is on the opposite side of the cervical opening, towards the spine.

 

Both these spots can feel amazing to most women but they come with patience and exploration. Rubbing up against these spots will increase moisture and slickness within the canal, the blood rushing from arousal heightening these delicate pressure plates. Bending your legs upwards towards your stomach, or supporting your lower back with a pillow will bring this wondrous spot closer to the touch.

 

Again, and I cannot stress this enough, take this slow. If there is discomfort, stop. But don’t give up. This is why self exploration is so much fun, you try again and again, with no agenda, no time sensitivity. relax , breathe deep, add some more lubrication and stimulate your clitoras to bring more blood flow and arousal and try again.

 

Try different gels and oils to assist with arousal. “On Ultra” is a topical ciltoris oil utilising cinnamon, sweet almond and ginger to spur arousal and provide a tingling, vibration on the nerves found there. This assists in arousal, by stimulating blood flow, and inducing the production of a wetter canal. Try some and sit with the feel, become aware with the vibrations you feel and the warmth as it spreads to your Labia and throughout your pelvic area. Now try your insertables again. Being mindful throughout this process also proves in increasing attention, feeling and relaxation within the moment. All of these are essential to that good feeling and good place to help encourage an orgasm.

Using a bullet, a wand or a clitoral specific massager can be used to stimulate the nerves on the clitoral root. When the body is aroused, the clitoras will retract a little underneath the protective hood, to lessen the sensitive nerve endings. With your toy of choice, or your fingers, apply slight pressure and massage for pleasure. As the heat and feelings build, don’t be afraid and pull back, gently lean yourself into the feeling. Try and release the tension that you begin to feel throughout your body and surrender. As the pleasure mounts you may feel it give way. And what a feeling. Different different clitoral toys will depend on how sensitive you are, how steady handed you are, and how much power you would like to assist you. If you find yourself getting frustrated, that’s ok too. Take a break. Remember what we said about the pressure on ourselves? If you’re wondering when it will happen? Or why it’s taking so long? Chances are that you are willing yourself into a mindset where you will be unable to achieve an orgasm, and significantly affect the pleasure you are feeling within the moment.

 

Getting in touch with your own body and your own pleasure is empowering. It helps you to relax, it helps you to learn. And the more you learn overtime, the more you may feel more confident to invite a second player in to share in the secrets that you have found. Practice definitely helps to train your body to relax, surrender and invites a safe space for pleasure.

 

But most importantly, have fun. Delight in the surrender of your body and the touch. Focus on feeling good, and doing things that feel good. Don’t view the orgasm as the finish line. View self pleasuring or masturbating as the goal, and the orgasm, whether you have it or not, as a happy addition.

Anorgasmia is not something to feel shame about. It is a learning curve. And it is more common than we are led to believe. By talking about it, more people will be aware of it, its commonality, the reasons behind it, and how masturbation and self exploration can help.

 

At your service;

Tiffany

Oh Zone Sales assistant, educator and avid explorer.

Vaginal Dilator Exercises for Psychosexual Therapy

vaginismus dilators

Although these plastic sets are called “vaginal dilators” the name is not ideal, as nothing is being dilated (expanded) when you use them.

Often dilators are recommended for a combination of reasons. They can help retrain the soft tissues in and around the vagina to behave more normally. This may include improving scar tissue after childbirth/surgery/radiotherapy, or to help train the pelvic floor muscles to relax and lengthen as part of a structured program. Dilator use can also help to reduce vulval and vaginal hypersensitivity to touch.

Exercising the pelvic floor is essential to help to improve the strength, flexibility and control of the pelvic floor muscles. For penetration to be pain free, the pelvic floor muscles need to be able to relax fully and lengthen around something in the vagina. Dilators can help you to practice this.

Plastic dilators provide a pathway, allowing you to practice relaxing your pelvic floor muscles around something, increasing in size gradually, under your control.

If the smallest dilator is too big to slip into your vagina, you may need to start with something smaller, such as a cotton bud.

Dilators come in a set of various sizes. The smallest is the size of a slim finger, or a medium to large tampon. The largest is the size of a large erection. It is worth noting that an average erection is about the size of the 4th dilator in a set of 5. Dilators with a tapered end are often easier to use than those with a blunt end.

A plain lubricant is provided with most dilator sets. You will need to use lubricant for all these exercises. You can use any lubricant that you know suits you. Advice on lubricants that don’t contain many of the ingredients that irritate genital skin is available from your doctor, physiotherapist, nurse or psychosexual counsellor.

Sometimes they are available on prescription, or they are easy to order online or from your local chemist.  Dilators are available on prescription from your GP.

The exercises

It is best to practice little and often. 1 minute (building up to 5-10 minutes), 5-6 days per week is best.

Each step is likely to take weeks. The aim is to progress slowly and steadily, being comfortable with each step before moving on. If you go too fast and provoke lots of pain then you are likely to trigger muscle spasm, vaginal tightness and therefore more pain.

If you are unable to progress up the steps after weeks of trying, see your doctor, nurse, physiotherapist or psychosexual therapist. They may refer you on to someone for a more detailed examination and advice.

You will need to set aside some time each day to be relaxed and take your time with this process. Our minds and bodies are linked and if your muscles are to relax you need to feel relaxed and not rushed. How you think and feel about using dilators can affect your experience. Try to approach it with positive, optimistic attitude (even if this doesn’t come automatically). Last thing at night is not ideal,  as it is easy to put it off when you are tired at the very end of the day.

Please remember: the idea is to do what you can without causing pain. You may feel a little discomfort when first starting the exercises.

  • Start with the smallest
  • Prop yourself up semi-reclined on a bed/chair/sofa. Bending your hips and knees a little may
  • To prepare, you could try actively relaxing your pelvic floor muscles using your breathing (see our separate information leaflet – Pelvic Floor Exercises for Psychosexual Therapy).
  • A helpful first step can be to practice resting the tip of the smallest dilator at your vaginal entrance and using your breathing to keep your pelvic floor This will help you to overcome the reflex you may have developed, where your pelvic floor tenses up at the prospect of something entering your vagina.
  • When you think your pelvic floor is relaxed, take your time to gently slip the smallest dilator (covered in lubricant) into your vagina. Most vaginas slope up and backwards towards your tailbone. It may help to focus on your breathing, to reduce any physical and mental tension. The dilator doesn’t necessarily have to be fully
  • Leave the dilator in place for 1 to 10 minutes, keeping your pelvic floor You will be able to increase the length of time gradually with practice. If you stop noticing that the dilator is in there this is great– you are really relaxed! Repeat daily until comfortable.
  • When using the dilators, try not to get too caught up with thoughts or focused on emotions. Instead, bring your attention to your physical sensations as you use the dilators, or to the sensations of your breath in your body.
  • When ready, try the next size up from the one you are using. You may find it helpful to try 1 minute of the size that you are comfortable with before using the larger size immediately after. Continue in this way until it is possible to insert the larger size straight into your vagina.
  • Gradually increase the size of dilator you are using, remembering you should be comfortable with a given size for up to 10 minutes, feeling the muscles are fully relaxed around it, before you move on to the next.  If these exercises cause bleeding, or if you have difficult thoughts or feelings about using the dilators, which you feel are getting in the way, please discuss this with your doctor, physiotherapist, nurse or psychosexual counsellor.

Cleaning the dilators

Dilators should be washed in hot soapy water and rinsed thoroughly after each use. They do not need to be sterilized. They can be stored in the case provided.

Honeymoon Cystitis

urinary tract infection

Cystitis is a Urinary Tract Infection (UTI) that can last for a few days, with the most common symptoms including the constant urge to urinate and a burning sensation when peeing. There are numerous causes for Cystitis, including falling estrogen levels during menopause, using a birth control diaphragm, and even from changing tampons (if susceptible to UTIs, perhaps look at changing from tampons to menstrual cups).

However Honeymoon Cystitis is caused by sexual intercourse and almost only ever in women. This is for two reasons, firstly that a woman’s urethra is much shorter than a mans, and secondly because of the close proximity of the vaginal opening and anus to the urethral entrance.

Honeymoon Cystitis is typically caused when the bacteria E. Coli is spread to the urethral opening either from the anus or the vagina, from there it moves up into the bladder where the trouble starts. Despite originating from penetrative sex, Honeymoon Cystisis is not a STI. As such, and while safe sex is always recommended, condoms do not prevent Honeymoon Cystisis, and some studies even indicate a higher chance of getting a UTI with the use of condoms (perhaps try a non-latex condom if you have reactions to your current choice of protection).

Symptoms

Some of the typical symptoms of Honeymoon Cystitis are:

  • A strong and persistent desire to pass urine
  • A sensation of burning while passing urine
  • Passing a small quantity of urine frequently
  • Hematuria (presence of blood in your urine)
  • Foamy urine, sometimes with a strong smell
  • Low-grade fever
  • Feeling discomfort in the pelvis or lower abdominal region

While the spread of the E. Coli bacteria is the cause of this UTI, there are two completely different ideas as to what makes someone more susceptible. Some say it is the first time of penetrative sex after a long spell of abstinence. The other end of the spectrum says that it can happen after intensive or frequent penetrative sex.

Prevention

However both sides of this agree on ways to prevent Honeymoon Cystitis:

  • Urinate immediately after intercourse to ensure you eject any bacteria that could have entered the urethra
  • Drink plenty of water every day
  • Always wipe front to back to avoid bacterial spread
  • Using a good water based lubricant, even if there are no issues with vaginal dryness, will help provide a good glide and prevent micro tears, especially around the vulva and vaginal opening.

Treatment

It is recommended to see your GP should you experience any of those above symptoms, as some of these also overlap with symptoms of a few Sexually Transmitted Infections that only a blood test will be able to reveal. If it is Honeymoon Cystitis, your GP will probably suggest the following:

  • Prescribe a short course of antibiotics
  • Maintain fluids
  • Avoid alcohol
  • Avoid more penetrative sex
  • Cranberries (as in the actual fruit) may help with an active ingredient that prevents bacteria from sticking to the bladder wall. However, cranberry juice or capsules may not be potent enough for this to happen. In fact, despite popular belief, cranberry juice adds hippuric acid to urine, and Vitamin C in the form of ascorbic acid, and actually feeds the bacteria that cause UTIs.

 

On a final note, while you can indeed have penetrative sex while suffering Honeymoon Cystitis, as it isn’t an infection that can be passed on to the other partner, you will feel extra discomfort and even exacerbate the problem even further.

 

Why do Women Lose Libido Over Time in a Relationship

Aphrodisiac

Do women lose interest in sex as a relationship grows old? How do you ensure you rejuvenate your relationship over time? The early days of a relationship can seem great, but how do you keep on rekindling the flame over and over again?

It’s difficult but if you know how to ensure your libido levels remain high as a woman, it can help.

So, do women not have the same libido level always? If you go through research, women do lose interest in sex over time in a relationship. An open study conducted on 6,669 British females and 4,839 British males found both men and women to lose interest in sex. Overall, 34.2% of women lacked interest in sex, while for men, the number was only 15%.

Women are also more likely to lose their sexual appetite as a relationship gets old with time. Here are some highlights from the study that shows how women are prone to lose the sexual drive for relationships that are:

  • 1 and 5 years old – Women are 45% more likely to lose interest in sex
  • 5 and 15 years – Women have 137% more chances of losing sexual drive
  • Over 15 years old – Women are 131% more likely to lose interest in sex

It’s clear that women are more prone to lose interest in sex in a relationship more than men. But what actually makes them lose their passion? Let’s find out!

Why Women Lose Interest in Sex Over Time?

Research says both men and women may feel a dip in their sex drive beginning from the 30s. Women are more affected by men from these physical changes. But a woman in her 30s or 40s is still at her sexual peak and can lead a fulfilling sexual life.

That brings us to the point that losing interest in sex is not always due to low libido. According to the North American Menopause Society, a women’s sexual desire is dependent on many factors, and not always age and sex drive. Things live beliefs, values, expectations, and intimacy play a big part in keeping up the sexual vigor as a relationship gets old.

Issues like conflicts with partners, stress, and other things can also rob the passion out of sex. In short, women can lose the motivation to have sex over time in a relationship.

Now, we will see why and how women lose interest in sex as a relationship ages.

Subsiding Feelings About Your Partner

The feeling for each other is strong when a relationship starts. You are attracted to each other and feel like spending all day together. Sadly, this feeling doesn’t last for long. Women can start losing interest in sex within just a year of the relationship.

Jennifer Landa, MD, and an ob-gyn, says feelings about your partner can affect sexual desire. Over time, the bond between partners can fade, resulting in a loss of interest in sex.

To counter the problem, both partners should try to keep things exciting. Couples should also prioritize sex and keep aside time for sexual activities.

Conflicts in Relationship

According to Psychology Today, anger and resentment are two of the biggest factors that lower sexual drive. Couples are all for each other in the initial days of the relationship. But as time moves on, they tend to disagree more on different topics. As a result, conflicts arise in relationships and take a toll on the desire for each other.

Women are also prone to negative thinking patterns more than men, which could affect their sex drive. Thoughts like “You are mean or selfish,” or “You don’t give me any time” can make women hostile to their partners and make them lose interest in sex.

Lack of Communication

Communication can make or break a relationship. Communication is the key to happy marriages. Couples going through a rough patch can change their way of communication to make their marriage work.

When you first fall in love, you are talking to each other whenever you get the opportunity. But as the initial attraction fades, the frequency and openness of communication can take a downward curve. You disclose fewer things to one another and don’t bring up issues you should talk about.

Women are more likely to hold things down and feel disconnected due to a lack of communication. We suggest you talk to each other, be honest, and talk about things that are hampering your relationship and sex life. Open communication can also eliminate the negative habits women develop over time.

Internal Emotional Struggles

Women can lose interest in sex for several internal emotional struggles. Work pressure and stress can decrease sexual drive in women, according to Psychology Today. Women can also have negative body perceptions that creep up more frequently as a relationship gets old.

Depression, anxiety, and post-traumatic stress are also known to affect sexual desire in females.

These problems may be present in us even when a relationship begins. But as time passes and you get more comfortable with your partner, the demons begin to come out.

If you are struggling with internal emotions, share them with your partner. Else, confide in a close friend or go for therapy.

Final Thoughts

It’s common for women to lose interest in sex over time in a relationship more than men. Unless you have a medical condition of low libido, working on your relationship can bring your passion back. Develop open communication and ask your partner to talk without judging or prejudice. Both of you should also make efforts to spice up your relationship and prioritize sex.

Maybe you can try new locations or experiment with new positions to make things exciting once again. If you need a bit of help with arousal, try natural aphrodisiacs like Spanish Fly right before sex and enjoy ultimate satisfaction and increased sexual appetite.