I pledge allegiance to the SEX of the United States Of America

USA Sex Stories

Most people think that the best thing about university is a nice piece of paper that tells you that you are a grown up or the campus coffee. BULLSHIT! The best bit about University is two things.

1. All the hot and horny girls that want to explore and

2. the possibility of going and studying abroad. See, I thought that I was young and about to tackle all the pussy that university had to offer me.

Realistically… I was still a virgin who had watched Van Wilder far too much. I was 19 at the time and still dependent on my mum and dad. I didn’t have much experience with girls, in fact I had only kissed 1 girl in year 10 and even when I kissed her I embarrassed myself by pre-cumming. I was a certified woman repellent.

 

A year into University, I thought I’d step out of my comfort zone for 6 months and apply to study abroad. I choose Michigan State University because I would always watch highlights of their Football games on Instagram. 3 Months after applying, I was on a plane heading to Michigan. Lucky enough, my parents had saved up for me and I put most of my wage that I earnt from Mcdonalds into a savings account so I wouldn’t have to work over there. The university had sorted me out a dorm and I had a roommate. The whole flight for some reason I thought it was like sharing a cell in prison. I was hoping whoever I got didn’t make me their little bitch. Well… Lucky was not like that at all. His actually name was the Sam but the minute I walked into my dorm, he introduced himself as “Hey man, I’m Lucky! Welcome to Michigan”. I had to pinch myself to ensure that I wasn’t crushing on him. Lucky was tall, tanned, fit and had a smile that you could tell just had panties dropping on the regular. I knew straight away that this next 6 months is going to be one hell of a party.

 

I was right. Over the next 6 months I had slept with more girls that I could ever dream of. It was like Lucky had lifted a spell off me and turned me into a confident stud. He brought out all these good traits in me, I started to be way more funny and bubbly, I always held my head high instead of bowing it like I normally would, instead of being shy around girls, I flourished. In fact, If I didn’t have a girl around me, I would get extremely horny and go out to the library to accidentally bump into a girl whilst I was holding a copy of A Brief History Of Time by Stephen Hawking.

 

The first few weeks in my dorm, Lucky noticed that I would be really shy every time a girl would come in or when we were out at dorm parties. He pulled me aside and asked me if I had ever been with a girl before, I told him truthfully not. He was so cool about it.

He said “Man, I am going to get you fucking laid” and just like that he imparted all of his wisdom on me.

He used simple economics to make me understand women. See, chasing women is all about the Supply & Demand principle. The more attention you supply them, the less they will have demand for you. The less you supply them and focus on yourself, having fun when you’re out, the more they will be attracted to you (Demand). He also told me that confidence starts in your head and is then oooozed out through the way you talk, your posture and how you treat people.

It was these simple principles that helped me get laid for the first time. It was about 2 weeks after Lucky taught me all his game. This girl had been eyeing me out at a dorm party we were at. I was making everyone around me laugh, just having a good time. She entered the conversation but I played it cool, was polite but gave her little attention. She ended up pulling me into a bathroom and lets just say that was the best 3 minutes of thrusting ever. Hey! Michael Jordan didn’t have 40 point game on his NBA debut. She laughed and giggled. Turns out she loved my Australian accent, and so did her friend.

I know that because about 2 months after I lost my virginity to her, I ended up having an orgy with her, her friend and Lucky in our dorm.  It was almost like my first days working at an adult lifestyle center and actually living the erotic tales I had heard there.

 

 If you are reading this, do not hesitate to say yes to going and studying abroad, party, have fun and you just might get Lucky in a whole lot of different ways.

God Bless the United States of America.

While you are at it why don’t you check out some of these erotic stories from Malaysia?

Sex Diary: The Ex’s Nickname System Part 2

Woman with Sex Diary Photo

Following on from my previous sex diary entry about The Ex’s Nickname System, I’d like to share with you another quote from my book of choice at the moment describing interesting quirks of the animal sexual world:

“The male bison experiences an orgasm so violent that it lifts his hooves off the ground. Female bison, as you might imagine, have very strong backs. Say, you’ve been working out, haven’t you?”

This quip brought me immediately to another nickname, another memory and some more entries in the pages of our collective blackbook. Let’s continue.

Hardboiled Harry – Harry was a gentle giant that liked larger women. This worked extremely well for Harry because as the quip and his name may suggest, Harry liked to work out. I’m not talking about going to the gym to stay healthy and fit. I’m talking about the kind of person that must have their home away from home at the gym. Harry had muscle upon muscle upon muscle. He was as firm as firm can be and had the cutest little head up top of this extremely muscular body-builder physique. It was a good thing he found larger women attractive because as he said “I don’t want to crush someone”. When you’re as firm as a hardboiled egg and have an adorable egg-shaped head your nickname writes itself.

Hobbit – I would imagine for most people that this would be self-explanatory. Hobbits name only came about when Kissy rang me late one night in a panicked hushed whisper “There’s someone knocking at my doooooor!”. As I lived over the driveway I had a visual line of sight direct to her door. Peeking out the window, indeed there was someone standing at her front door but with the poor lighting I couldn’t make out much more than that. “Help!! I need to know who it is because they won’t stop knocking”. Being the faithful wingman I am, I proceeded to rush over to her unit in an attempt to get a closer look. As I trod up the stairs the first thing that came into sight were a pair of giant bare feet underneath very skinny legs, making the feet seem even larger. Not “Oh they’re large” giant but “Oh My God! How huge are those feet?!” giant. As I tried to remain inconspicuous I messaged Kissy simply saying “He has the biggest feet I’ve ever seen, just like a hobbit”. Her reply “Oh that’s Reece, I’ll go let him in”. Truly a momentous moment when a man can be identified simply by the size of his feet.

 

Hobbit in Green Grass Photo
Photo: Sex Diary: The Ex’s Nickname System Part 2 – Hobbit

 

Do Like Dat – After a particularly rowdy night involving schnapps and SingStar Karaoke on the PlayStation I bumped into Kissy’s new bedroom visitor out on the footpath as I was heading back home. Having already seen his online profile to give him the wingman seal of approval I recognised him right away. He seemed lost and being the helpful drunk I was, I promptly directed him to her front door “Go down the drive…” he started walking off to escape the all-knowing now yelling drunk “Turn left, like that”. Little did I realise the significance of what had just played out.

When asked about how he was the next morning, Kissy said that she’d heard the exchange outside and that his penis must have steered him in. He had a kink in his penis which made it bend strongly to the left. In Kissy’s words “It bent over so far that when I was giving him a blowjob I had to …” as she motioned tilting her head over to her right shoulder and actioning this weird jiggly motion “Do like that. It was the only way to manoeuvre without knocking myself out”.

It would be prudent to touch on here that some of the nicknames that stuck don’t make me proud, and in fact make me cringe a little. For one reason or another, they were usually created from trying to find the right descriptor as certain things were said over morning cups of coffee and pancakes. It could have been as simple as recounting something verbally to try and give the best visual description.

Triple Nipple – he was a lovely English man that enjoyed a good ale and had an endearing sweet nature.  Unfortunately his performance in the bedroom was very sub-par. Bless his soul, he tried. The fact he tried so hard and tried to pretend nothing was wrong made the situation worse for himself. There possibly couldn’t be anything more soul crushing for a man who is with a waiting woman only to find himself with a semi-erect penis. For Triple Nipple it was sadly more flaccid than erect and if only he’d been upfront about it I’d have been willing to have him round again. I pulled every trick from my arsenal that night. Diverting away with more foreplay involving other parts of the body, handing him a toy to use on me whilst assuring him these things happen, whipping out a new cock ring (every lady casual lover needs a stash of new cock rings!), suggesting we take a break, suggesting we try again another night. Triple Nipple persisted and made out like there was no problem. And persisted. And persisted. At one point he tried folding his flaccid penis with its baggy blanket condom attached, into my vagina and was successful enough with that manoeuvre that he blew his load almost instantly. And that was the end of that. Trying to describe to a girlfriend just how nubby and squishy and not exciting his penis was she asked with wide-eyes “Was it like he had a third nipple instead of a penis?”. Yes. Yes, that’s exactly what it felt like.

Get ready for another Sex Diary: The Ex’s Nickname System !

 

About the Author: Alicia is a consultant from Oh Zone Adult Lifestyle Centres

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Sex Diary: The Ex’s Nickname System

Woman Keeping a Secret Photo

Whilst browsing the eclectic collection of books available at Oh! Zone Caringbah I came across a book titled A Tiger in the Bedroom. Lessons form Mother Nature’s Sex Shop by Katherine Gould. Turning the book over, the first review yelled “Just when you think animal sex can’t get any weirder, turn the page and it does!”. Chuckling as I thumbed through the pages I landed on this particularly charming quip:

“Don’t be too obvious. When a male chimpanzee is feeling randy, he gazes at the object of his desire, then spreads his legs and flicks his erect penis with his finger, or waves his penis back and forth. Do not do this.”

This got me thinking of all the weird and wonderful sexual encounters I’ve either had myself or shared vicariously through the tales of friends. During the more randy years (my slutting days), I’ve shared with girlfriends what happened through a shorthand way of referring to many of our encounters by way of a nickname system. Now I realise this may cause some offence, but who has time to remember the finer details of real name and suburb of residence when differentiating between past and present lovers?!

Now, back to the penis waving chimpanzee.

Iguana – As I read that anecdote the first thing that came to mind was a lover whom my girlfriend and I fondly refer to as Iguana. Yes, we’re tunnel sisters and we’re not ashamed to admit it. Iguana earned the nickname through the drunken late night deliverance of an explanation as to what an Iguana’s penis was like, before I’d had the pleasure of experiencing it for myself – “It was just so … damned big. And he stood there all proud like. But it was kind of weird. Like really really fat and thick at the bottom like some kind of animal – a slug or something – no it was bigger than that” As she swigged another mouthful from her beer she finally had it – “It was like an Iguana”. I can’t say I could personally liken any shape of penis to a reptile aside from the obvious ‘snake’ but she’d made her mind up and the name stuck.

Colourful Iguana Photo
Photo: Diary Entry: The Ex’s Nickname System – Iguana

Iguana had a cone shaped penis which was extremely wide at the base. Some months later when Iguana paid a visit to my bedroom and I was excitedly removing his pants, I was astounded to discover what can only be described as reverse pubes. Iguana had thoughtfully decided to ‘trim’ his pubic hair. Except he’d shaved a perfect upside down triangle into his pubic area – a starkly white inverted triangle of naked skin amongst a thick sea of dark body hair. Combine the triangle shape of missing pubes with the angularity of his cone shaped penis and it was all a little too much for tipsy me. Poor Iguana was confused as to why his efforts to enhance his randiness and attract a desirable outcome had fallen flat. As I explained how strange it looked and that he should embrace his natural state of being I finished with “Do not do that”. So upon reading of the chimpanzee my mind landed quickly on this memory. Iguana has the proud position of being the first lover to be nicknamed in what became our shorthand lingo of keeping up with our various blackbooks.

The way we choose to give them shorthanded nicknames was derived from anything as simple as the suburb they were from, to a physical feature, to a behaviour or attitude or to how wonderful or awful they were sexually. Some of the stories behind the names are boring and simple, some are horrifying and others hilarious.

Eastwood – Eastwood’s real name was Dave but as there were a few more Daves in circulation we needed a quick way to tell him apart. Dave lived in Eastwood. We got bonus points for originality with this one.

IT Dave – IT Dave lived in Epping and worked in the IT industry. We tried calling him Epping for a while but continuously got him confused with Eastwood which is never a good look when trying to procure a sexy night and you make reference to the right move with the wrong guy!

Davidoff – Davidoff was another Dave who liked wearing Cool Water by Davidoff. He’d leave a lingering scent of the fragrance that was sometimes overpowering. As he happened to be another Dave this nickname made itself.

Cordial Boy – Cordial Boy was a lover that visited my girlfriend, Kissy (her nickname), one night. She had a penchant for much younger men. After having what she described as a “nothing special” moment in the bedroom Kissy asked Cordial Boy if he’d like a beverage as she plucked two ciders from the fridge. Now one can be forgiven for not necessarily liking cider, but she was not prepared for what came next. Cordial Boy refused the alcoholic beverage and pointed to the bottle of cordial on the bench and asked her to make him a tropical flavoured non-alcoholic bevvy. When they ventured into the local shopping strip for him to return home they decided to get something to eat. All Cordial Boy wanted was a Happy Meal from McDonalds. According to Kissy there was nothing man about him in the bedroom and he confirmed it with his choice of drink and meal.

This is but a taste of the many others that exist in our sexual adventures. Stay tuned for another Diary Entry: The Ex’s Nickname System!

About the Author: Alicia is a consultant from Oh Zone Adult Lifestyle Centres

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