Self Help For Heart Break

Binge eating

Breaking up is not the end of the world. The sudden ending of a relationship can be heartbreaking and sometimes soul-destroying. It feels like we will never be able to love again, open up again or even that we are maybe not even worthy of being or feeling loved.

If it wasn’t bad enough that we have been dragged through the emotional ringer, we insist on prolonging our pain by going through all of the things that we could have done that could have saved the relationship. And sometimes we go as far as trying to convince the other person that we are worthy of their affection and attention.

But why? Everyone has different motivations, but it boils down to feeling like we are not a whole person without them. That we have pinned all of our hopes, dreams and happiness on the future that we have imagined with this person. Do we do this because that’s what we see on TV or in the movies? Women pining for the person that has walked out. With elaborate plans to win them back and getting their fairy-tale ending. Here’s the reality check. Life doesn’t work like it does in the movies. Your original expectations of becoming an independent person may be different from the results that are achieved.

But if you take a step back and remove the emotions from the situation, you’ll find that there are benefits, growth and opportunities that can come from a breakup. Here’s 5 crucial steps to get over a break up:

Learn to live without

This is your chance to learn to be a “me” not a “we”. I have friends who are always getting their hearts torn out then run straight into the arms of the next person who shows interest. It’s like a revolving door of rebound relationships. Not realising that the relationships aren’t working because they have no idea of who they are outside of trying to be the “perfect” partner.

You are worth more than what someone else thinks of you. Learn to love choosing what to watch on Netflix, cooking dinner for one (or having ALL the leftovers to eat), going out where and when you want, singing loudly in the shower, and more importantly pleasuring yourself.

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger

There’s never been a truer word said. Resilience is a life skill that’s not given enough opportunity to develop in my generation and the ones that have come after. It has left us to try and fumble our way through a world that can be extraordinarily cruel, as underequipped adults.

Take this heartbreak and use it as an opportunity to build your resilience to life’s crappy moments. Remember that the empathy that you develop can help you help others that end up in the same situation that you found yourself in.

I’m walking on sunshine

Probably not something that you’d be thinking about straight away, but you’ll find after a little while, you’ll learn to appreciate the light moments. Those giggle-snorting, wetting your pants hilarious moments when your friend tells a joke so bad that it’s funny or that moment when you step outside into the morning sunshine after days of rain.

It’s the light that will help you pull through the dark periods, like the ones at 2am when you’re lying in bed alone with you mind racing around in circles. Wondering what we could have done differently to change enough to fit whatever ideal that our ex may have had in their head.

Perfect

Hey, guess what?! Those trivial things don’t seem to matter so much anymore, do they? Having your heart trampled can help you find some perspective in life. Suddenly realising that not getting X-amount of likes on that Facebook post, having a full social calendar, or wearing makeup because someone made a comment about you looking tired without it.

No more having to spend all of your energy trying to be perfect for someone else. Freeing up mental energy, time and money so that you can do things that remind you that you are perfect, just the way that you are. Time to spend with people who build you up, not use your insecurities to tear you down.

Get back up again

Always wanted to buy that Groupon voucher for a boozy night of painting and vino? Planned that trip overseas, but the ex didn’t want to travel and made you feel guilty for wanting to go with friends instead? Found that beautiful little kitten at the shelter, but the ex only likes dogs? Gone out for dinner and wanted dessert, but the ex looked at you sideways and told you that you were looking a little fat, so you didn’t order it?

Guess what? You can do what you want to do now. Paint naked men, while drinking copious amounts of wine with friends at that art and wine class. Book that overseas trip to the place you wanted to go because you now don’t have to spend every last hour of your annual leave visiting his family interstate. Snuggle on the sofa with your fluffy kitty and order all of the diabetes-inducing sweets that you fancy.

Post-breakup is a time for self-care and self-discovery. Especially at the end of a long term relationship where you may not who you are without the other person. But, take a word from someone who has been there and experienced that, you will pull through and if you can learn to be whole without someone else, then when the time comes to venture into another relationship, you will be a stronger person who knows what you’re looking for and what you need to compliment your life and how you live it. If you are finding it extremely complicated, you may just need to break up with love addiction.

Breakup meme
Image: Men vs women after a breakup

Author: Mia is a consultant from Oh Zone Adult Lifestyle Centres

Self Discovering My Perfect Revenge Body

Lady who is half tiger

So recently after some soul searching, self searching and cleaning up my social life with a f*ckboy spring clean, I have turned to a tried and tested revenge body plan.

Rather conveniently it is also an up and coming new year! So let’s also call this a new year back to the real me! (A little change up of the cliché I know) but what’s a new year without a new year’s resolution!

This has been a work in progress, which also included a change of job that had nothing to do with money but had everything to do with my own personal journey, which landed me into the Oh Zone Adult Lifestyle Centre family; this has been my inspirational start! Sometimes throwing yourself into the deep end way out of your comfort zone is a good start to all the potential you have been holding back from!

So after this year from hell which started on the 12/01/2017 with a missed miscarriage, my house being violated and my partner being arrested mid-way through the year subsequently going to jail, and ending the year finding out a fair few lies that have been hidden over the years and some realisations I am very happy to say this year has come to an end!

“Don’t get mad. Don’t get even. Do better. Much better. Rise above. Become so engulfed in your own success that you forget that it ever happened.”

It’s all well and good to just go with the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else, but this isn’t my style.

I choose to be a lot more stubborn with my approach, rather than move on before I am ready I choose to work on myself first.

The Day My Self Confidence Reignited

It all started the day I decided to wear bright red lipstick, before this I would wear pale pinks, nothing too over the top. But like a firecracker it ignited this confidence that I had never experienced before, how could a different shade of lipstick make me feel good about myself? Now I go everywhere with my red lipstick, to the shops, on a run and just around the house etc. Truth is, it is because I finally did something for myself, I didn’t ask someone else his or her opinion I chose to do it myself! This is something that is very new for me; instead of pleasing other people and being told what to do I chose to do something for myself. For some people, it may even be shopping for the right lingerie.

The Physical And Mental Changes Are Both Important

This spiralled into a trip of self-discovery and a re-start on my life; I thought it was finally time to learn from my mistakes (my family and friends will be so proud).  I decided my revenge body just didn’t involve my physical body it involved my mind and my ways in which I approach situations as well, a total body and mind transformation! My aim isn’t just to cut body fat, I want to trim the negative vibes in my life, I want to cut off crappy friendships and remove f*ckboys with bad intentions. I only want the best for myself in life! I am going to continue taking care of myself, better than I ever have before, I want to be the best me I can possibly be and I want to be “that girl” who says:

“I refuse to let breakups destroy me”

I will no longer try and fix broken men, I have this sad habit of gravitating towards boys who need fixing in life.  This is not just about getting skinny (although working towards the body I want is also on the cards) it is about growing my confidence, being able to walk out into the world being comfortable in my own skin and feeling like the best person I can be.

I have always had issues with body confidence, but this new revenge body is all about embracing my body for what it is. It’s about being truly happy with myself and wiping out those soul destroying insecurities and being proud of me for who I am. I will be embracing my personality, the fact that I hardly get angry, I am carefree and gentle, and I always put others first but what I will change is who gets the privilege of seeing these parts of me. I will wear the clothes I want whether they are in fashion now or not, I will be me 100%.

There is a few ways I am changing not so much myself but my approach to situations while still being me. The most common mistake that lands me into hot water is my lack of self-esteem, instead of being proud of myself I think too little of myself and I settle for the less than ideal situations. There is a lack of faith in the abundance of the universe, my anxiety propels me into forcing things to happen rather than letting them take their natural course and dating doozies – results from my failure to accept the different ways men and women approach relationships and what is right for me.

Breaking an angel quote
Image: BMM Poetry Quote

There is this sexiness in an “I don’t give a f*ck attitude”, it oozes confidence and realness. When your heart broken and your world feels like it has crumbled into a million different pieces there is only up to look forward too.

This is the point at which we don’t hold back, we say what we feel and what we think, the realness of our thoughts comes out with little to no thought about the consequences.

Breakups bring out your most raw and authentic self, they remove the protective shell and it leaves you all exposed and sexy, the real you is on display.

Wild, reckless and real, not destructive but fearless and unstoppable, this is a woman that knows what it’s like to be hurt and has experienced hurt. This is the start of revenge body thinking, a way of life and confidence.

Morgan x

Author: Morgan is a consultant from Oh Zone Adult Lifestyle Centres

14 Surefire Ways Lingerie Will Make You Irresistible

Women in Stockings Luxury Mansion

It is not secret that both men and women love wearing lingerie! Using quality lingerie that fits your body type can make all the difference in your day. Here are 14 reasons why people absolutely love lingerie!

Sometimes It’s Not About Who Sees It

Many people have the expectation that people wear lingerie to impress their lover or for another’s pleasure. But did you know that for most people who wear lingerie often wear it just for themselves. Lingerie helps people feel sexy, attractive and desirable. Feeling this way is important for self-confidence and self-esteem so that people are able to have a positive view of their own body image. Looking and feeling great is a major part of people’s lives and can have a big impact on how a person’s day goes.

I like to call this “Lingerie Confidence”. Have you been the airport recently? Did you know that there is a Victoria’s Secret in both the Domestic and International Sydney Airports? This trend is continued in Melbourne, Perth, Brisbane, Gatwick (London), Heathrow, JFK Airport, Dubai, Paris, Auckland, Rome. . . it is thus clear how important a place lingerie can be in our lives

Wearing Lingerie Can Be Kept As A Secret

Some people are exceptionally timid and feel uncomfortable showing off lingerie to a lover as they may feel it is out of their comfort zone. Since lingerie is worn under a person’s clothing, it can be used whether you are at home, at work or at an important social function. No one else will know you are wearing it. This means you are wearing something incredibly sexy and it is your little secret.

Lingerie Can Be Worn To Impress A Lover

Wearing lingerie can be visually stimulating and sexually arousing for a lover to see.

Lingerie Can Help Improve Relationships

Subsequently, I feel that lingerie in a relationship is important and I’m not alone in this thought. Charles J.Orlando suggests that lingerie is excellent to spice up the bedroom for couples. It provides a sense of empowerment and confidence and it makes a delightful gift.

Women's lingerie
Image: Baci Angel See Through Lace

Lingerie Can Be Worn Everyday

Gone are the days of having to wear lingerie like boned corsets that make it hard to move or even breathe! Most lingerie is designed to be worn comfortably every day, you don’t just have to use it for a romantic date night.  So you can feel beautiful, gorgeous and sexy any day your please.

Suzie, self-described as a love strategist, writes in her article ‘Why Lingerie is important in a relationship’ that wearing lingerie shouldn’t be a special occasion thing. It should be an everyday thing. She writes that when she saved lingerie for special occasions in her marriage, due to the various issues that they’d have that special moment, wouldn’t materialize. After her marriage, she decided to wear the lingerie everyday as she had drawers full of unused pieces. She writes that she discovered new parts about herself, that she felt more confident, became more flirtatious and subsequently she began to project a new image and personality into the world.

Lingerie Can Purchased At Affordable Prices

People can find high quality and designer lingerie at affordable prices so you will be able to find something which suits your personal budget.

Lingerie Can Naturally Enhance A Person’s Body Figure

Lingerie can be worn to emphasize a person’s best assets. By highlighting their best assets you are bringing enormous confidence to the table. You’re saying, I love my ass, let’s show it off. For men, if he has the best ass, go for a jock strap. If he has a great cock, go for something sheer/netted in the front or get something, like Andrew Christian which favourably lifts and pushes. For women, if she has amazing breasts go for something plunging with an under wire. If she has long luscious legs go for high cut underwear or a low cut piece.

Lingerie Can Be Used To Hide A Person’s Flaws

In the same token, if a person is sensitive about a particular body part then they are able to buy something that accommodates for that. People need to be mindful as to how you will feel when you wear the product. For men, if he doesn’t like his dick, then something sheer isn’t going to give him confidence. For women, if she has scarring from a caesarean or feels that she has a big ass, then a two piece set with a thong isn’t going to work. For tummy scarring go a sheer loose fitting chemise, garter belt or a lace body stocking, if it’s only the scarring that they are concerned about and not tummy size.

Lingerie Can Be Worn To Express Your Personality

The design of the lingerie can be chosen based upon how a person’s wishes to see themselves. For example, if he or she wears something incredibly erotic, they may feel sexually empowered. If the person wears something cute they may feel playful. It can be used to fuel how you wish others to perceive you or it can be used as inspiration to change the way you choose to act.

Plus size lingerie
Buy Now | Lingerie And Costumes

Lingerie Is Available In Different Sizes

When you are shopping you can choose a size that fits your body. It is best practice to know the size you’re buying for before you even go shopping. Write down your measurements on a piece of paper so that you can remember them. If you are unable to measure your body, look through your clothing and read the sizing labels of items that properly fit you. For men, look at the jeans and underwear sizes. For women, look at the bra sizes and underwear sizes.

When you go shopping, you can compare the measurements with the product’s sizing guides or speak to a consultant to find out the appropriate size. If you need further help you can ask the consultant if you are able to open up the package to try on the lingerie or to compare it to your body.

You can even give your lover your measurements in case they ever wish to buy you lingerie as a gift, this is helpful so they don’t have to guess your size. The problem with a lover picking out the incorrect size is that if you go too small and you’ll make them think they’re fat, if you go to large, it may make it look like you think they’re fat. Sometimes people who are unaware of their sizes even resort to picking other people in the store and comparing their body sizes!

Plain and simple, get the right size.

Lingerie Can Be Purchased In Different Colours

When buying lingerie, you can take into consideration a person’s favourite colour and what colour will looks best. If they’re pale and white, yellow is probably not the best option.

You Can Buy Different Lingerie Options For Different Levels Of Confidence

Take note of what is currently in your wardrobe and what you are comfortable with. If you’re considering something a little risqué and out there, consider your confidence levels and whether you are going to trust what you’ve picked. When in doubt, get two; the out there option and the safe option.

Lingerie Can Be Bought To Make You Feel Better

My partner always knows when I’m not feeling well or life is getting me down, I go on a shopping spree and I buy new underwear. I buy everyday underwear, sexy underwear such as jock straps and cock socks to show off what I have. Some people buy jewellery or shoes, some people buy clothes, others buy food or new games or something to make us feel better.

Lingerie Can Be Bought As A Special Gift

Make your lover feel important and special by buying them some sexy clothing that they can wear. You don’t have to buy it for a special occasion you can buy it simply because you can. When your lover slips into a sexy piece of lingerie which makes them feel great they will be reminded of you!

Coming To Terms With Being Gay & Fat!

fat and sexy

I was about 15 years old when I finally admitted to myself that I was gay. It was a long time before I became comfortable with my sexuality and decided to pursue anything, and when I finally did, I realized that dating wasn’t really an easy thing to do. Not for me that is.

What It’s Like Being A Chubby Gay

You see, I have always been a bigger guy and it got worse after I left school. I realised that, while yes, the gay community waved the banner of pride and inclusivity, it wasn’t always something that they actually practiced. By the time I went into the dating scene it was a world of applications and I decided to get Grindr on my phone. I added all the criteria to my profile that it needed:

  • A photo of myself – done.
  • About me – done.
  • What I was looking for – done.
  • What I was into – done.

Then it came to my information section. I filled in my location and my height but I paused on my weight. I thought about it and I decided to leave that part out. I activated my profile and started to look through all the different profiles. I looked at all the cute guys and their interests. I decided to say howdy to a few of them.

“Hey, hey. How’s it going? 😊”

This was my usual greeting. I honestly was not sure how I should start a conversation. I’d never done this before.

I said hello to a few different guys, left it at that and went about my daily business. A few hours later I jumped back on and there were no responses. Okay, maybe they’re all just busy. I decided to explore the app and check out the features. I then came across the section where you could see which people that had viewed your profile and went into it. Every guy that I had messaged checked out my profile but they didn’t even bother to respond. It didn’t feel good, but I decided not to dwell on it and went about my own business. I jumped on a few times and got the same response, so I decided to not bother and deleted the app. I felt deflated and kept off it for ages after that.

I Found Alternative Gay Dating Applications

Then soon after, a few more other apps came out that were marketed towards a more diverse market and so I decided to give them a try. The two that I tried were ‘Scruff’ and ‘Growlr’. They claimed to be for the bear and alternative gay groups. These were a little better received and so I decided to keep these apps. At least a very few guys actually answered me when I messaged them.

I also came across two apps called ‘Grommr’ and ‘Bigger City’, they were marketed for the chubbier gay community. Perfect I thought. I created a profile and perused a few different profiles. There were actually smaller guys looking for chubby guys! This was perfect! Or so I thought. I chatted to a few guys and I even hit it off with a guy. Yay! We went on a few dates and got to know each other. Then, he confessed something to me.

He wanted to be with a guy and make him bigger.

My warning bells went off. I certainly didn’t enjoy being bigger and I always tried to lose weight. Was it something I was willing to do to be with someone? Was I willing to compromise myself and my values just to be with someone? I thought about what he had said and what I wanted, and then decided it wasn’t something I was willing to do, so I broke it off with him.

I then became curios about why he wanted something like that, and discovered the world of feeding and gaining.

“Feeder: Usually a male who likes to encourage weight gain in his partner through the consumption of food.”

That’s how Urban Dictionary describes it.

I read up how feeders would do things to make their partners bigger. Buy them extra food and tell them they deserved it. Say they were full and give their leftovers to their partner. This was not something I wanted to be part of, so I deleted my profiles and have never been back since. Since then I have met guys that have a preference for bigger guys, and that’s okay. Everyone has their different preferences, but I personally don’t want to be fetishized and have to question if the person I want to be with wants to be with me or just the fetish they are after.

What The Gay Dating App World Really Needs

There’s also Tinder! Which I know for most straight people it’s just a hook-up app. When two people hook up through Tinder it’s called a tinder-bang. But I feel for the gay community it’s more about going on actual dates and to meet people rather than it just being one of the many hook-up apps for gays. That’s how I feel it’s like. I have talked to genuine people on it, I even met a guy off it at the beginning of the year and we’ve actually become good friends. And no, not with benefits but we have become good friends.

gay dating
fat gay

I’ve also never been to a gay club before. I honestly don’t feel like I would fit in to that scene and feel like I would be eaten alive in that environment. I’m not small; I don’t have the right clothing or hairstyle. I just wouldn’t fit in at all.

But after going through so much self-discovery and not loving myself for a very long time, I have come to realise that you need to look after yourself first and foremost. As the great RuPaul would say:

“If you can’t love yourself, how in the hell are you going to love anyone else? Can I get an amen?”

And those words are very true! I honestly do believe that you need to learn love yourself before you let anyone in.

Since coming to this realisation, I have decided to have a different outlook on life and have even given the apps another go. I have redone my profile after re-evaluating what I want and I feel like with a more genuine profile that has a positive view, I have gotten a better reception. I still find it hard to be part of the gay community even though there are definitely a lot of loving people in it. I feel that if I work on myself as a person, I can be included to be a part of this community and meet new people.

But hey, I must be doing something right, because just today I got asked out on a date, so that must mean progress right? I sure hope so! I am getting dressed up in designer clothing just for the occasion.

Author: Brett is a consultant from Oh Zone Adult Lifestyle Centres