Ask Oz – I Can’t Orgasm!

relationship advice

Oz answers your sexual health and relationship questions.


Hi Oz, I’ve been with my boyfriend for seven years, since we were sixteen. He was my first and only, but I’m struggling to orgasm during sex. I do have a contraceptive implant, which my boyfriend wants me to get rid of, does that affect things? The little cheap bullet I have is no longer doing it for me either. It’s also been tricky to hold it in place during missionary. Then not long after I bring out the bullet, my boyfriend comes and it’s all over. What do you suggest I try? – DD


Hi DD, thanks for your email.

There’s a lot here for me to answer, but I’ll see if I can get through all this. First of all, I’m getting the feeling you two only ever do missionary position, and having gotten together quite young, and perhaps are each others only so far, this is the most common position. However, it certainly isn’t the best, especially for women.

The Cowgirl position could be of great help for you, as you get to control the pace and depth of penetration. In this position, you both get to still maintain eye contact, while also enjoying seeing each other’s bodies. This position will also make it significantly easier to apply a toy to your clit, which I’m assuming is what gets you off, since your bullet used to do that.

In missionary, with your bodies together, it sounds like the vibrations of your bullet are exciting your boyfriend and getting him to come sooner. Perhaps a toy like a Womanizer might be better suited to you, as it is a clit ‘sucking’ toy that doesn’t actually vibrate, this may hopefully level the playing field by being possibly the best external toy for a woman, and not adding extra stimulation to your boyfriend.

Alternatively, there are a few things your partner can do to slow down. Using a desentizing delay gel or spray would be the most obvious way to go. Trying something like Over Time by Wicked would be my suggestion. Once he has rubbed this white cream onto his penis, after a few minutes the cream will turn translucent, which means that firstly it has absorbed into his skin and desensitized him, but it also means that the cream won’t be transferred onto you.

It’s also good to understand that sex most definitely isn’t defined by penetration. Foreplay is a fantastic way to raise excitement, and typically an easier way for women to orgasm than during penetrative sex.

Edit: DD emailed me back in regards to this part of my reply and explained that she has previously orgasmed before intercourse, but then doesn’t feel like having penetrative sex.

All very normal, however I’d like to once again ask you to challenge your ideas of sex. Your initial email clearly puts forward that as soon as your boyfriend comes, that’s the end of the line. What if I told you that what is good for the gander is also good for the goose? Inequality is rampant in the bedroom, and if you orgasm during foreplay and don’t want to continue, that is fine. After all, that is entirely what your email was about, that only one partner has been reaching orgasm.

But you don’t have to just listen to my advice. I think esteemed sexologist Chantelle Otten summed it up perfectly in this other article: “Sex is an expansive term. If you want to learn how to have sex, you need to ditch the rule that sex is about penetration or orgasm. Successful sex is about variation, pleasure and sensation. People have sex in different ways depending on their capabilities and goals. I.e. Sex for heterosexual couples is different than same-sex couples. Sex for people with physical disabilities is different for those who don’t have a disability. But it is still sex! Take expectations and dated education, put them in the bin, and make your own rules about having fun and achieving intimacy.”


How to Satisfy Your Lover with Foreplay

Couple Kissing in Bed Photo

If you already love the foreplay experience, these tips will turn you into the ultimate lover in bed. Your lover will be screaming for more when she/he find’s out you really know how to give them more pleasure than they ever thought was possible. Listed below are 9 tips on How to Satisfy Your Lover with Foreplay:


Couple Kissing in Bed Photo
Photo: How to Satisfy Your Lover with Foreplay
  1. When you give your lover a blow job, place the vibrator externally against your cheek. He will be able to feel the humming and vibrations alongside the blow job. Due to the extra pleasurable stimulation, some men may cum quicker then usual.
  2. Take your lingerie off. Wrap your favourite bullet vibrator in your panties. Gently massage the vibrator on his testicles, underneath his testicles, on his nipples and along the shaft of his penis. He’ll love the silkiness or softness of your panties and the gentle massage of the bullet vibrator!
  3. Massage a small amount of lubricant onto his perineum (taint) and gently massage the perineum with the rumble of a vibrator, this will give him an external prostate massage. It is important to let him know what you will be doing. You can ask him if he likes it before continuing to use the vibrator on that area or if he would like to increase the speed of the vibrator. A prostate orgasm can provide him with a much stronger orgasm.
  4. Place a bullet vibrator in your hands and give him a therapeutic massage between his inner thighs. Continue to massage up to the trunk of his thighs and his rear. Additionally, you are able to buy a massage mitt which has a pocket to tuck in a bullet vibrator.
  5. When you are receiving oral, have your lover tease your clitoris with a vibrator. Then slip the Vibrator into your vagina. Using a smaller sized vibrator allow your partner, easy access to give you oral. The vibrator will efficiently help you achieve a built up and powerful orgasm.
  6. Wear a hands free vibrator like a We-Vibe or Eva by Dame. Give up complete control of the pleasure by giving him the controller to tease you with different vibrating modes. The built up tension from not being in control will make the sexual encounter intense.
  7. Blindfold your lover or place them in bondage gear. Make this sexual encounter about him achieving an orgasm. You can prolong the experience for up to half an hour to one hour if you would like to. Explore every part of his body with your hands, mouth and body. From time to time, place a vibrator on low and massage his hypersensitive areas. Avoid coming in contact with his manhood. Have fun seeing his manhood twitch with excitement, become extremely hard, relax and become hard again. The visual change in his penis will turn both of you on to the point he will really need to cum. Touch his erection and give it a light massage until he begs to cum. You can now make him cum or remove his bondage gear to see what he would like to do.
  8. Retrieve your favourite sex toy from your hiding place and give it to him. Let him know you want him to help you warm up with your favourite sex toy. Have him remove your clothes and underwear. Let me rest next for you and cradle your back or neck with one of is own arms. For this experience to be very intimate, make sure you are face to face and in a natural position to let him explore your body. Whilst he is holding you, he can use the sex toy in his other hand. Letting him use the sex toy on you, will make him feel like an important part of the experience. (Some men want to be in the “catchers” position which lets them be up close and personal with a complete visual view of your clitoris and the sex toy being used.). It’s a terrific way to feel very connected when you are using a sex toy with your companion.
  9. For women, a tiny vibrator on the clitoris is pretty much a guaranteed orgasm. Our BONUS Hint #9. When you are having intercourse, put a tiny bullet on your clitoris while you are on your backside back, or when you are making doggy love style, or working for you, you on top, invert cowgirl… you name it, it works. You get the benefit for a clitoral orgasm from penetration which rarely happens. He provides the bonus of knowing you’d have an orgasm, so he does not have to worry and have that dreaded question. And, when female climaxes, her vagina tightens down on the penis and really can improve his experience! It’s a WIN WIN!


About the Author: By Mutwiri6