Dealing with an unusual sex drive

crazy sex

Now, I know there are other women out there who, like myself, who have no idea what they want or desire sexually. Sometimes its crazy and you can’t even look at your significant other without mentally undressing them and jumping their bones as soon as the opportunity arises. But also, at other times when the opportunity presents itself, its just shrugged off like meh. But then other times you might really want it but then you also kind of don’t at the same time. Well, I’m here to tell you, you’re not alone.

To some, yes this may sound crazy, but it can be really frustrating.

I have been dealing with these kinds of issues through my entire sexually active life. It’s almost like there’s a little gremlin in your head pushing all the wrong buttons at the most inconvenient of times. And this can sometimes really ruin the mood, especially if you have made all the moves to hint that you are up for it but then all of a sudden, it’s gone and your partner is left extremely confused.

I’ve had partners in the past who I had never confided in about these feelings as they where never willing to talk or communicate about much sexual stuff. To them it was “sex is sex”. So, let me tell you, COMMUNICATION IS KEY! If they don’t know how you feel or what you want, then you’ll never be satisfied or content with the sex you have with them and it may even be the other way around, how will you know what they want if they don’t communicate it with you.

When I first met my current partner, of course like any relationship at the start, every time you’re with them you want to go at it like rabbits but that doesn’t last forever and if you’re like me, that period is even shorter again. So naturally, we grew out of that stage, but we still went at it a fair amount, it never just stopped and for some reason that amazed me, especially because I was very rarely up for sex as it was. Surely enough we moved in together, my sex drive went back to its normal wacky self, but he naturally has a high sex drive. This is where the communication started where I had never had it before. All he wanted was to please me, that’s what got him off, he wanted to know exactly what I wanted, where I wanted it and how long I wanted it for! I was absolutely blown away (no pun intended).

I’d never experienced a man, so hell bent on pleasing me. At this point I somewhat started to open to him about what I wanted but was still too shy to completely lay out what I thought was wrong with me as I though it may affect our relationship and how he saw me.

Turns out I should have told him straight up, like I said communication is key 100%. We got further into our relationship and he would occasionally ask questions like “You don’t seem like you want it, what’s wrong?” or “Are you still into me?”. When these questions started becoming more frequent and concerning, it made me realise that not only was this affecting me, but he was slowly noticing more and more that something wasn’t quite right, and it was starting to affect him too. So, we sat down and spoke about it all and I mean ALL, there was emotions, tears and feelings being released like nothing else. He comforted me and made me feel okay with who I am and these feelings I had that made me feel not normal.

The fact that I had finally spoken to him and opened up about how I felt helped not only our sex life but also helped our relationship. He now knows that if I seem a bit off chances are, I’m not up for it and he will realise that rather than going just ahead with it.

 

  • COMMUNICATION!   Always remember that this should be your first thought. Like I said earlier, how will either of you know how you feel or what you want if you don’t discuss and understand each other.
  • I found that sex toys really helped me cope with what I was dealing with. For example, if I really didn’t feel like doing anything but he was raring to go. Pull out the toy and go to town! I enjoyed and was more than happy to help him because I knew he was enjoying it and I was still helping him. At other times I wouldn’t have felt like physically doing the deed but for some reason I felt comfortable using toys. Let me tell you, men are more than happy to watch that! You can still enjoy each other’s company in a different and possibly more personal way.
  • Watching porn together.  Now I know this one may be a bit of a grey area as some couples don’t agree on watching porn at all. But if you’re open to it and they want to get down and dirty but you’re just not sure, ask them to watch porn with you beforehand. You may find you where in the mood for it you just didn’t know yet.
  • Physical foreplay. If you know what turns you on and you know what might get you in the mood, hell even if you don’t know but you want to do the deed, try some foreplay, go with the flow, and see where it goes. Tell him where to go, guide him and tell him what feels good.
  • Being relaxed. Always be sure that you are comfortable and relaxed with your significant other and environment when getting freaky. At the end of the day, its your body. They may be your partner but if you’re not comfortable, NO MEANS NO and they need to respect that and vice versa.

Kaylah and Oh Zone Adult Store consultant.

Sex Toys That You Will Want For Christmas

Xmas sex

With Christmas just around the corner, you may be looking for some presents for your partner, whilst jewellery or the latest games console are good fall back presents, what if you want something to help with your intimacy?

In any case, sex toys are a sure fire way to bring a bit more fun or spice into your sex life, then sex toys are the way to go.

As a generation, we are much more open to talking about sex than every before, and sex shops are no longer called ‘private shops’ they are well known brands, with store fronts on most high streets.

However, sex toys remain something that many people are embarrassed about, so let’s go through some tips on buying the right sex toy for you and your partner.

 

Talk To Your Partner

The best thing you can do when thinking about adding sex toys into your life, is to have an open conversation with your partner about what you both like, and what you’d be open to.

This doesn’t have to be an in-depth, therapist type conversation, but it should be as open as you can be, with some discussion about what you both would like.

Sure, it can feel a little embarrassing, but the more you talk about it, the less embarrassed you will be, and you will find yourself enjoying sex even more – if that’s possible!

 

Solo Toys For Women

You may want to start looking at some solo toys to give to your partner, for the times that they are alone, and want to have some fun.

There are so many different types of toys out there that it can be a little confusing.

Some of the more well known toys are the rabbit type vibrators, which are penetration devices, with different vibration speeds and those well known rabbit ears for clitoral stimulation. These toys are the classic ones, and were probably the first sex toy to become fashionable and start people having more honest conversations about sex.

The massager wand type is another classic, beloved by many women around the world. This toy however, is not suited to everyone, as it can be a bit more on the forceful side, so choose the model with care.

There are so many newer types on the market now, including some which even claim to imitate oral sex, the Lelo Ora 3 review gives a good overview on this highly praised toy.

There are different types of clitoral stimulators available that work in different ways, such as the bullet types, some of which come in waterproof varieties.

 

Solo Toys For Men

If you are looking for a solo toy to give to that special man in your life, there are many options too for them.

The most well known solo male toy is probably the fleshlight. These toys have played their part in  making male sex toys less taboo, but they are falling out of fashion now, in their place are the far more discreet and just as pleasurable newer designs of mastrubation sleeves.

Cock rings are available in many different varieties. These can be used solo, to provide extra vibration, or when with a partner, as they are bound to enjoy the vibrations too!

Prostate massagers are also very popular these days, and many come with a remote control to allow you to fully enjoy a solo experience.

Butt plugs are another classic, and much safer than inserting a non-sex toy into this are – always use a flared base! Butt plugs have also expanded their varieties. The bog standard ones are still available of course – everyone loves a classic. But, newer vibrating designs are available, some with a remote control to make everything a lot easier.

 

Toys For Couples

Many of the toys we have already gone through can also be used with your chosen partner, or partners, but there are some toys that are specifically geared towards couples.

We have already discussed vibrating cock rings, that give pleasure to both parties.There are also some toys that can be used whilst giving or reciveing a oral sex, such as the BlowYo which is a silicone ring that covers the bottom portion of the penis, that makes oral sex feel much more, well, orgasmic.

The WeVibe, and it’s imitators, is a toy beloved by couples. One end rests against the clitoris, whilst the other inserts into the vagina providing G-spot stimulation, as well as vibrating against the penis shaft.

If you are away from your partner, there are even toys that can be controlled via an app, so that you can come together even when you’re apart.

Whichever toy you decide to go for, remember to be safe and enjoy yourself, and always discuss consent.

A Matter of Consent!

Consent for Sex

Sexual consent has been discussed widely in recent years. In fact it is important enough that it is one of the few new ideas to be added to curriculum in high school sex education classes beyond the old safe sex conversation. But how do we define consent, and how do we go about asking for it?

What is consent?

In the University of Michigan’s Code of Conduct, they succintly sum consent up as;

“Consent is a clear and unambiguous agreement, expressed outwardly through mutually understandable words or actions, to engage in a particular activity. Consent must be voluntarily given and cannot be obtained through coercion or force. A person who initiates a specific sexual activity is responsible for obtaining consent for that activity.”

As with lawful terms, their Code also continues to describe what isn’t consent. It isn’t consent if one refuses to acknowledge the ‘no’ said to them. It is not consent should a person be very drunk or high, regardless of their answer. Consenting to a sexual activity doesn’t automatically give consent to the same activity at a later date.

One of the most ignored ideals of giving consent is how someone dresses, or flirting with them, or even kissing them. None of these things are indications of consent. It doesn’t matter what they’re wearing, they can even be naked, but that isn’t consent to anything.

The age of giving sexual consent in Australia varies from state to state, and even then comes with a few caveats that can be read about in the earlier link. Essentially, the consenting age is 16 in all states and territories, except for SA and Tasmania where it is 17 years of age.

What isn’t consent?

Not saying ‘no’ doesn’t mean yes. If they seem unsure, or remain silent, or say ‘maybe’, this is not consent. It must be a clear and enthusiastic ‘yes’.

If someone accepts a ride, or a free drink, is also not consenting to anything beyond those things.

Consent to engage in one sexual activity is not consent to others. For example, consenting to anal play does not consent to anal penetration.

So consent needs to be provided every step of the way?

Absolutely. Even in a marriage, consent for sexual relations need to be given. If that sounds ridiculous to you, maybe understand that data from the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV) estimates that between 10-14% of married women experience marital rape.

How do I ask for consent?

There are so many different ways to ask for consent. Verbal communication is the most straight forward option, though longer relationships may have developed other shorthand ways of expressing consent.

Wouldn’t it feel weird, or kill the mood, stopping to ask for consent? No, in fact, asking can make things a whole lot smoother, and opens up a greater level of communication between partners. Asking someone ‘Can I kiss you?’ or saying ‘I’d really like to give you a kiss’ and their affirmative response is not going to squash any of that first kiss magic.

Just as if you’re together in bed fooling around, and perhaps you motion to take their top off, along with a little ‘Is this ok?’ won’t dampen the mood. It will help to relieve tension in fact, as your partner will know that you understand about consent, and about how they are feeling, and it’s also a cue to them that you’d like to move forward, because perhaps they were nervous to ask.

Beyond verbal consent, also pay attention to body language cues. If they’ve said yes to the current activity, but seem anxious or nervous, take a step back and ask ‘Is this too fast?’ Remember consent can be given at all stages, but it can also be taken back at any time. If someone changes their mind about consent, that’s perfectly fine and is to be acknowledged immediately.

If consent is refused, or revoked, it is not acceptable to ever try methods of persuasion to get them to change their mind. Consent given under persuasion or acts or physical or emotional threat, are never considered consent, especially in the eyes of the law.

How do I give consent?

Beyond saying ‘yes’ to being asked for consent, there are other ways to let your partner know that you’re ready to go further. Phrases like; ‘Don’t stop’, ‘Keep going’, ‘Faster/harder’, ‘Mm, just like that’, ‘Yes, but let’s keep it nice and slow’ are all great ways to express consent without breaking the mood.

However, it’s also good to have a clear idea of how far you’re comfortable to go before getting hot and heavy. Because let’s face it, sometimes our loins get the better of us and lead us to do things we may regret the next day.

As things develop, keep checking in with yourself. Do you feel comfortable? Do you feel safe? Are you ready for this, both physically and emotionally? Just because you really like them, are you sure they’re not just taking advantage of this and using you for sex?

In any relationship, whether it is long term or for the night, healthy communication is an essential part in making sure everyone feels safe and comfortable. We all have the right to have agency over our own bodies, and to ensure this is the case for both parties, we need to seek consent, and respect the answer, whichever the answer may be, and even if it changes throughout.

Education of Sexual Health for Young Gay Men!

Sexual Health Gay

I’ve spoken before on the failures of the current sexual health education system when it comes to the sexual education of young people. The current system is failing young people that identify as straight, let alone individuals that identify as any other sexual orientation or sexuality. The current system is flawed in that it assumes that the people digesting the content are straight. It assumes that they have sexual relations for biological purposes, and it doesn’t mention or acknowledge the idea of sex for pleasure. This quick guide is not meant to replace that information – but it’s created to facilitate the sexual education of young non-heterosexual men.

Consent

Consent is the most important thing to remember when it comes to being intimate and you should get consent before any type of sexual encounter with everyone involved. Yes, that includes group sex and making sure each individual that will be involved understands what’s about to happen. Consent is more than just yes, or no and it’s extremely important to understand that just because they didn’t say no, doesn’t mean consent was given.

STIs

An STI is a sexually transmitted infection that is passed on from one sexual partner to the other through sexual activity and sexual contact. If you’ve had/have an STI, you’re not dirty – contracting an STI is actually extremely common. The important thing is that you get tested regularly so that it may be treated. STI’s can be shared by:
Skin to skin contact
Vaginal Sex
Anal Sex
Oral Sex
Needles
Contact with body fluids such as blood and semen
While many STI’s have visible symptoms, there are a lot of STI’s that don’t have any symptoms and you may not even be aware that you are carrying it. As such, getting tested is a simple and extremely effective way to make sure that you are STI Free.
What kind of sex is there, and how can you do this safely?
STD
Sexually Transmitted Infections

Oral and Penetrative Sex

You should not engage, or have oral sex if you or your partner has cuts, bumps, or sores around their genitals or their mouth. This could be a sign of infection and can increase the risk of transmitting an STI. When it comes to penetrative sex – defined as the insertion of a body part or toy – inside someone’s vagina, anus, or hole it’s important to note that whilst all involved share some risk, typically, the greater risk applies to the person being inserted – known as the bottom. With the introduction of PrEP, a daily pill taken to prevent HIV there has been a marked increase of other STI’s including chlamydia. It’s important to consider the risk – Yes, PrEP will prevent you from contracting HIV, but it will not prevent the transmission of other STI’s and for a complete spectrum of protection a range of preventative measures can be considered which include the use of Prep and the use of a barrier such as a condom.

Male Condoms (Also outside condoms)

Many young men will be surprised to find that there are a range of diferent sized condoms. That’s certainly not something that they discuss at school. So many young men experience their first condom and they’ll find that it might simply fall off, or be so tight that they can’t feel anything. We have other guides here that will tell you how to correctly fit a condom, but suffice to say if it doesn’t fit right – rest assured that they will make a condom for you. On that note – only wear a single condom at a time, and change it with each sexual activity. If you’re wearing it from oral, to insertion and back to oral – you’ll be wanting to change the condom. You can even use condoms over toys! Say for example you’re both into bottoming and you have the perfect dildo – wrap the dildo shaft in a condom, and then before you use it in someone else, change the condom! Simple. It should be noted that in an ideal situation – you’ll want to be cleaning it as well, just in case.
An important thing to note – it doesn’t matter whether your straight, gay, bisexual (or any other sexuality) nor does it matter if you are male, female, transgender (or any other gender) – there is no sexuality or gender that places you more at risk for STI and other infections. It is the activities that you do, and how risky the sexual behaviour is. There is a very big difference betwen giving someone a handjob, to having regular sex with a monogamous sexual partner, to engaging with bareback sex in the park with recently met men. At the end of the day, you are in control of your body and you choose how much risk to place yourself in. The best preventative care that you can take is understanding your self and your body and to make sure that you and your sexual partners are getting tested. But how do you check in with your sexual partners current health status?
You’re hot, you’re horny and you’ve got a dick as hard as a rock – do you realy need to ask them about their tests? Ideally yes. It can be a quick check in before you meet up with them where you say along the lines of – i was tested two weeks and i came back negative for STI’s, when was your last check? If it’s a regular partner and you’d like to check in with them it can be a little trickier to bring up without making it awkward, but you could approach it like this. Hey, i noticed it’s been a while since i was tested – was wondering if you’d like to come down with me and get tested together? This enforces the idea that you are being responsible and allows them to reveal they were recently tested, or that they’d love to go get tested together.

Every person regardless of sexual identity or orientation deserves the best information that they can get and whilst this doesn’t cover everything it certainly gives you the tool set to begin practicing self-care and taking responsibility for your body.