When Intelligent Women Attract The Wrong Men

Empath with compassion

I am an empath,

empath

ˈɛmpaθ/

noun

(chiefly in science fiction) a person with the paranormal ability to perceive the mental or emotional state of another individual.

And I am extremely good at attracting narcissists.

narcissist

ˈnɑːsɪsɪst/

noun

noun: narcissist; plural noun: narcissists

a person who has an excessive interest in or admiration of themselves.

“narcissists who think the world revolves around them”

Narcissistic quote
Image: Someecards Narcissistic Quote

When we are in the thick of a relationship we tend to wear rose coloured glasses as so to speak, and a lot of the time we don’t realise we are with a narcissist until the end when it’s already too late. Contrary to popular belief weak women do not attract narcissists, an empath will; an empath is a healer as such, they have the ability to sense and absorb other people’s pain and take it as their own. If an empath does not know how to protect themselves and set boundaries, they will very easily and quickly bond with a narcissist in order to fix any damage or pain they have felt in their life. This dynamic will confuse an empath and most likely weaken their views as if they do not have complete understanding of their own or others peoples agendas and capabilities; they won’t realise that not everyone is like them. The saying “put yourself in someone else’s shoes” isn’t hard for an empath at all because that’s what they do; they take the experiences, feelings, thoughts and emotions from others and feel those themselves. They forget that other people have a very different agenda, and not everyone has sincere values like them.

It is imperative that a narcissist is manipulative; they need to be in a position whereby they can rise above others and be in control. Whereas an empath is in a position to love, heal and care; there is no balance and it is extremely unlikely there ever will be no matter how much you try. A narcissist will become more powerful the more love and care an empath gives.

This type of connection is difficult to see and we feel as though we are trapped and trying to decipher some code or riddle in order to understand – but in fact it’s not that hard. Detangling ourselves from the web that the narcissist has created can be emotionally exhausting and can be very difficult to actually see what is happening and we often try to lay blame, on ourselves, on them, on us, the people around us, the circumstances, the timing of the relationship and the truth.

Red flags are never visible, and we are in an almost “drunk” state or like we are wearing rose coloured glasses; but when we are ready to actually see the truth it all becomes a lot clearer.

An emotional exchange takes place when a narcissist takes control of an empath, a narcissist is seeking admiration and validation, they have a constant need for their ego to be stroked and in return they will provide whatever the other person is lacking. This is only on the surface though, and always comes with conditions that their needs always need to be a priority, regardless of the effects it has on anyone else.

At the start it feels like a fairy-tale, as though your once upon a time has truly started and you have finally met your prince charming; but when clarity finally hits you realise it was all just a dream, you feel shell-shocked and bewildered. You scramble to understand what drew you to that person and how you got sucked in (again). You become puzzled and look back onto tiny clues trying hard to work out what kind of insanity caused you to miss all the signs as to why you didn’t walk away at the start.

Unfortunately trying to talk to and understand why a narcissist treated you the way they did is almost impossible, they refuse to show anyone there hand due to the fear of being exposed, and removing their mythical mask of deceit and power.

Angry and raging narcissist
Image: Raging Narcissist

Studies On Narcissists About Marital Satisfaction And Sexual Performance

McNulty and Widman did a study on marital satisfaction and they confirmed all of the observations about narcissists — both the negatives about communication and intimacy and the positives pertaining to sexual skill. In the sexual domain, the narcissistic traits that are activated are entitlement, exploitation, and an inflated sense of skill. On a physical level what is also interesting is that sexually narcissists are very mixed, empathy is a huge part of sex for a good sexual experience and passionate connection. Narcissist tend to be sexually aggressive and have little to no open communication, there is also a tendency for infidelity. Narcissists have a seductive power and use emotional confusion to mask the selfishness they have, narcissist like sex, and they are very focused on how good they are. Their traits of entitlement flow into their sexual life as well and because they tend to be so focused on themselves they have no empathy for their partner or consequences for their infidelity only for their sexual gain.

A second study by these authors, uncovered that it was sexual narcissism, not general narcissism, which predicted infidelity. It’s been estimated that 25 percent of married men and 20 percent of married women cheat, so obviously all cheaters aren’t narcissists. McNulty and Widman found that a sense of sexual entitlement, pride in sexual skills, and a lack of sexual empathy for the partner were connected to infidelity.

Learn From The Relationship With A Narcissist

The best way to learn is from the relationship so we do not repeat it again, we should try not to focus on the narcissist but ourselves. We need to focus on what attracted us to the relationship in the first place so we can take accountability for our own role. The signs aren’t clear when you are in the thick of the relationship you can only look back and see the signs after and realise where you went wrong and how it built up over time.

What we have to remember is that we chose to enter into this relationships it wasn’t forced upon us, narcissists are cleaver and manipulative and we fed into that, all we can do is learn from our mistakes and move on; hopefully to grow stronger and smarter.

The Co-dependent Relationship

When we meet a narcissist we tend to project our needs and wants onto them without realising, it is mutually beneficial at the start because what we want the narcissist delivers and in return the narcissist has control. This is called co-dependency; where we place our happiness, hopes and dreams in to the hands of a narcissist and then they are free to control your feelings to do as they please. What we find is that because a narcissist is selfish they mix their wants and needs into the mix and unfortunately they clash. There is a constant balancing act where when things are rocky the narcissist will bring out their charm again until all is forgiven and back on track then the vicious cycle begins again. This is until either you bring out your inner strength and realise what is going on or the narcissist drains all they can drain and renders us useless and moves on.

How Empaths Can Become Stronger

If we focus on ourselves, and provide ourselves with enough love, self-worth, independence and happiness we will hopefully stop looking for others to provide those emotions for us. This will mean that we will not be looking for someone else to keep us fulfilled and alive, and hopefully they will only give us a quick sense of nourishment before we realise their true nature. When we are hungry we will accept less and are weak and then weakened further if we are strong we will see the signs and move on.

Stay strong.

Morgan x

Author: Morgan is a consultant from Oh Zone Adult Lifestyle Centres