Ask A Sexologist – Dr. Stacy!

Ask Advice

As always we are honored that Dr. Stacy, Clinical Sexologist has kindly contributed her professional services for our adultsmart blog readers.  Below she has answered questions from Christian from Bankstown Sydney and Ruth from Richmond New South Wales.

Read more of Dr Stacy’s advice!

Ruth:

My relationship with my husband has gone cold.  There is little intimacy and our bedroom is all but dead.  Our kids are now older and our discussions regularly turn into arguments.  I have seen a counselor but when I suggested he see one or we see one together he says we don’t need too.  How do I get him to see that things are not that good and we need help?

 

I am sorry to hear things are not so good on the home front and it’s unfortunate that you don’t seem to have a partner that understands the urgency of the situation.  I try to tell people that if you have a partner asking for help or to get help, it is usually a dire situation that can go downhill fast if not taken care of. If your partner isn’t willing to do anything for the marriage and you have expressed concern and desire to seek help, there isn’t much you can do other than work on personal growth and start weighing your options of what you want for your future, to stay and do nothing or go.  I would ask him why he doesn’t feel that you need to see a counselor, what scares him about going, what does he think is going to happen if  you go as well as what could be the worst and best scenario if he did decide to go.  If he still says he doesn’t want to go then try to have a conversation with him and ask him if he is happy with the way the relationship is and if he says no, see what his suggestions are to work on things.  Maybe if he sees you are open to listening to him, he will make some suggestions that could be helpful.

What about getting away together for a weekend where it is just the two of you and you have an opportunity to connect and talk?  Are you having any intimacy?  Sex?  If not, ask him if he wants to improve that, see if he thinks that could be better.  If so, you need to try to work on things together to make it happen.  There are many people that don’t believe in therapy or counseling and for some people it doesn’t work because many times they have waited too long and there is no turning back. Sometimes it makes a huge impact and saves a marriage but also, people may be afraid that by going to therapy they may eventually have to make a decision on their future and it is scary so people would rather just ignore and not go.  Find out what his fears are and then find out what his future goals are and if he wants you to be a part of it, he needs to tend to your fears and goals to make the marriage work.

 

Working Relationships
Romantic Getaway

 

Christian:

I come from a large immediate and extended family but to my knowledge not one of them is LGBTQ nor do any of them hang out or have friends that are gay or queer.  I am 21 and know in myself that I am homosexual but have not come out.  It is like a big, dirty secret that hangs over my head as I feel that my family will not accept me if I do come out.  A couple of times I have gone out by myself to some gay bar I know about but as soon as anyone approached me I felt revulsion about the whole gay thing and rushed home. It is overwhelming and sometimes I feel incredibly sad and frustrated. What should I do?

 

It is a completely normal to feel confusion, frustration and potential revulsion because it is something that is still taboo in society and can make you question who you are and what you believe.  Since you aren’t accepting of yourself, you see the disgust that others may see in your own eyes but that isn’t reality.  Loving someone for who they are is a beautiful thing once accepting that within yourself. In order to be comfortable coming out to others you need to first be comfortable in yourself and the understanding that you are perfect the way you are and that there is nothing wrong with being gay.  You are attracted to whom you are attracted to and that is nothing that you can change.

 

What makes you think they wouldn’t be accepting of you?  Do they not believe in the LGBT population? Have they said things offensive? Are you close to at least one of your parents that you can have a talk with? What about another trusted adult or maybe a therapist near you that can help? I do Skype calls for people that aren’t local and I would be happy to help you get the confidence you need to be who you are, as that is one of my specialties so let me know if you want to make an appointment.  In the meantime, surround yourself with others that are gay, support groups, maybe a local place that has resources.  That way you aren’t in an environment where it may be more “sexual” such as a club so you can get to the point of acceptance and self love and then be able to move forward.  You need to have support and you shouldn’t have to lie to get it so maybe slowly breach the subject to your family by bringing up someone else in the media to gauge what they think about the LGBT population and go from there.  I am here of you wanted to make an appointment for extra support.  You shouldn’t have to go through this alone.

Gay Issues
Gay Loneliness

Dr Stacy can be contacted by the following methods

Sex Coaching

Dr Stacy Instagram

Dr Stacy Twitter

Dr Stacy Facebook

Would you like free professional advice from a Clinical Sexologist & Certified Sex Coach? Dr. Stacy Friedman may answer your question for FREE in a featured article on Adultsmart’s Blog! If you would like to send in a question please email askasexologist@gmail.com.

Up Your Sex Game with Frequent Masturbation

Masturbating Man

Modern-day Australian men are masturbating more than ever before according to a survey conducted by popular online sex toy brand, Lovehoney. It was also established that as many as 21% of men masturbate with a sex toy at least once a week.  Being called a wanker is hardly the insult it used to be especially considering the numerous benefits regular masturbation has, especially as far as boosting your sex life is concerned. By becoming more familiar with the nitty-gritty details of wanking, you will not only be more inclined to polish your pole more regularly but you will also be privy to a whole host of interesting and exciting benefits.

Benefits of masturbation

If you have ever felt even remotely guilty about cranking your shank, don’t.  Frequent masturbation is far more beneficial than anyone has ever imagined. Not only is yanking on the old chain a great stress reliever but it has also been revealed by sex toy brand Tenga that men who masturbate weekly are 10% more confident in their own sexual abilities.  Research further found that men who masturbate more than twice a week are also as much as 12% happier with the intensity of their orgasms.  If these statistics don’t impress you, maybe the fact that no one can fall pregnant or contract a STD from masturbation will. You also don’t need to make awkward late-night trips to the pharmacy or department store for a packet of condoms if the only action you are getting is from your own hand.  Masturbation will always help you relax, make you sleep better and encourage you to be more experimental in the bedroom.

How much masturbation is too much?

If you see yourself as just a ‘regular guy’ chances are you have asked yourself more than once whether you masturbate too much. While pulling wire for 8 hours a day can leave you in severe physical discomfort and may also be severely frowned upon (and illegal) if engaged in publicly, there is no rulebook that determines how often you are allowed to masturbate. As long as your frequent spanking of the monkey does not affect your life adversely in any way, you should be good to go. If you do, however, start noticing that you are staying away from work and withdrawing from your family and friends because of your new-found hobby it is probably best that you put the lube and porn videos away and try to find a real-life sex partner instead.

How to make the most of your masturbation

Masturbation has evolved tremendously over the last few decades.  Long gone are the days where a quick early-morning session in your room or bathroom with a crumpled up Playboy magazine was the norm.  Today, thanks to a plethora of sex movies, books, toys and general loss of inhibitions, men are masturbating more often (and more vigorously) than ever before. Fleshlights, lubes, shower strokers and ball suckers are all the rage right now and can turn any mediocre wanking session into a mind-blowing, self-sexing session.  What you think about while masturbating can also contribute greatly to the overall intensity of your orgasm. According to an article published in Cosmopolitan magazine, 69% of Aussie blokes fantasize about their current partner. A whopping 58% of men also admitted to periodically thinking about an ex while masturbating. In third place, with 57% of men listing it as a wanking inspiration, is good old porn.

Masturbation Facts
Wanking Benefits

What to avoid during masturbation

It comes highly recommended that you refrain from engaging in any dubious masturbation practices that involve toothpaste, heat rub, superglue or freshly-baked apple pie as you will more than likely end up in the ER with very hard-to-explain injuries. It is generally also not a good idea to masturbate in public, at work and at home with other people in the same room. If you still live with your parents you should also avoid wanking on their marital bed as being caught in the act might cause you to be disowned, regardless of how old you are. If you are suddenly overcome with a bout of horneyniss while in an unsuitable domicile, you should try imagining yourself in a rather unfortunate sexual position with a very undesirable partner. Nothing kills the urge to orgasm quite as fast as picturing your best friend’s grandmother in full BDSM kit.

Whether you are a frequent wanker or an occasional one, chances are you could benefit from a few extra masturbating sessions a week. Next time you are online searching for some quality porn order a few sex toys while you add it, put your lube in the fridge and prepare yourself for more frequent self-sexing that will lower your blood pressure, improve your sleep and boost your sex game significantly.

Adultsmart welcomes Guest Bloggers to submit 800 word articles with original content about topics relating to sexual lifestyle, health and wellness. If you would like to participate, send an email to rick.xsales@gmail.com with your ideas or an article that you wish to submit. If you publish multiple articles on Adultsmart’s Blog you will become an Adultsmart Expert.

How To Use A Urethral Dilator!

Dillating the vagina

 USING A URETHRAL DILATOR

 

This week we have had a few customers asking about dilators, personally when I was first asked the question I was stunned and did not have a clue what she meant but luckily enough I was able to jump online and do a quick lookup and thought what a perfect chance to learn something new for my review this week 🙂

After a little bit of research I have came to a conclusion that there are many ways that a dilator can be used, here are just some of the main reasons I came across on why you might need to know this information for the future

 

 Curvical cancer – brachytherapy

One of the other reasons we use dilators for are after to maintain vaginal size in the long term after menopause or cancer treatments, dilators may help women remain size enough to be able to have pain free intercourse or examinations after menopause they are also helpful on that time of the month and when a patient needs to take anti-oestrogen hormone therapies for breast cancer they are also very commonly used to prevent scarring during graft versus host syndrome after a stem cell or bone marrow transplant.

 

 Some women are born without a vagina

Something I had no idea about was that some women are born without a vagina instead they have a small like dimple that is a dead end as they begin to become teenagers they have 2 options. One option is surgery another is to use a dilator, they begin to press the dilator into the vaginal opening for about half an hour twice a day, after a few weeks they\ can begin to deepen the vagina enough to be able to have sexual intercourse with a partner, however they need to keep regular dilation or sexual intercourse in able to maintain the vaginal canal. Sometimes they’re condition can involve abnormal low hormone levels in these cases they need to use oestrogen creams to improve the stretch of the vaginal area.

 Dilator vs vibrators 

There are some people that may claim that you would get a more positive result from using a vibrator of different sizes rather than using dilators, these people believe vibrators will cause sexual excitement creating more blood flow or even just to make the process more pleasurable, Some also tell women to find something shaped more like a penis for the realistic feeling with a few different sizes or even just something she desires. Excitement usually helps to bring more blood flow which allows more oxygen to the tiny blood vessels in the vaginal area witch may also help to keep the tissue healthy. Some educators worry that using vibrators without the other parts of the program will stop women from understanding their own anatomy, including full control of the pelvic floor muscles even most vibrators that have a ridiculous amount of adjustable tips of all different sizes to fit in the vagina do not have a wide commercial range of dilators witch may reduce the women’s freedom to customize her dilation

Inserting a dilators
Dilator Insertions

Vaginismus

commonly known as penetration anxiety but Also known as pelvic floor myalgia is when some women have an intense fear of something entering their vagina. Most therapists tend to think that its a phobia genuinely triggered when a partner tried to enter their finger or penis into the vaginal entrance. A great way to overcome this is to use dilation and it will give the women a greater control over what is going into her vagina

 

 Vaginal reconstruction

After a women has experienced surgery to rebuild her vagina due to a default at birth, healthier problem in later years or after cancer treatments she may be given as customised dilator to wear for some hours of the day and also while she sleeps. It helps the reconstructed vagina keep depth and to stay as wide as possible during healing time. They are more likely to be used if the vagina was created using skin grafts. They man not be needed for reconstructions built from intestines, skin or muscle flaps.

 

Easy Dilator Use

 

Starting with a comfortable size that you can slip into your vagina with little or no discomfort make sure you don’t forget to pack on the lubricant and repeat as needed 🙂

If you are lying on your back you need to remember that your vagina slants slightly downwards in this position and do not push the dilator in at a right angle motion

Make sure you know how to contract your muscles relax them as you are inserting the dilator and then tense once the dilator has been fully inserted

– If you are experiencing sexual pleasure from your dilator you can move it side to side to produce good feelings

– Try reading or watching television if you find it hard to keep the dilator in for a few minutes at a time

– It is possible to injure yourself with improper use of your dilator after you have experienced radio therapy, surgery or graft versus host disease, be sure to consult your medical team to correctly show you the use of your dilator, it has been known that pushing or moving the dilator too roughly against fragile or scarred areas may result in further damage

 

This material is intended for informational purposes only and is never to replace professional advice or diagnosis treatments that have been dealt with by professional educators

 

If you think this might be something that your missing in head down to your closest

OH!ZONE Adult Lifestyle Centre to pick up your new silicone dilator kit one of the friendly staff will be more than happy to point you towards your perfect product 🙂

Adultsmart welcomes Guest Bloggers to submit 800 word articles with original content about topics relating to sexual lifestyle, health and wellness. If you would like to participate, send an email to rick.xsales@gmail.com with your ideas or an article that you wish to submit. If you publish multiple articles on Adultsmart’s Blog you will become an Adultsmart Expert.

VIP Interview Amory Jane – Educator, Podcaster, Influencer

We are pleased to welcome Amory Jane as our VIP Interview of the week.  She wears a number of hats including sex educator, comedian, event producer/organizer, pod-caster and variety show host.  Just recently she has added a bundle of joy, Elliot, to her extremely busy life.  Thankfully she found the time to answer our questions and we hope that you enjoy reading her answers as much as we did!

In one of your recent podcasts you were mentioning not just the event that you were podcasting from, but several events that you’d planned to attend in the near future. How do you fit it all in and keep your positive outlook on life?

Most of my podcast episodes that are currently online were recorded before I was a parent or even pregnant, so it was much easier to find time for sex-positive events then! Since I am a full-time sex educator and entertainer though, hosting and attending events is a big and necessary part of my career. I am able to fit it all in partly by being good at organization and scheduling, but mostly through having a supportive community. They help me coordinate my larger events or pitch in to make them run more smoothly, volunteer as demo bottoms, or (nowadays) babysit so I can take naps or teach workshops. 

Adult Podcast
Amory Jane Podcast

What does Sex Positivity mean to you?

A sex-positive culture is one that empowers people to explore their own identities and desires with openness and self-acceptance. Sex positivity is about undoing/unlearning shame and is heavily focused on consent plus accurate and comprehensive sex education. Being sex-positive, to me, means celebrating pleasure and sexual diversity and seeing sex as something that can be healthy, bonding, spiritual, and enjoyable instead of as destructive or just for procreation. 

When you say sex positive household, what are some of the memories / experiences that you have of growing up that has helped define you as to who you are today?

In my home, “sex” was never a banned or dirty word and we were allowed to ask questions. There were always age-appropriate books to read about puberty and sexuality and we were not shamed about exploring our own bodies (just taught that it was a private solo activity). I was raised by a feminist single mother and my grandma, and they were both accepting and encouraging of me being a curious and geeky child who wanted to understand everything I could about humans. 

You mentioned that family counselling was emotionally taxing and draining which you attribute to your shift to sex education – what are some of the negatives and positives that you experience when you’re talking about sex positivity and sexual health?

Being an empathic person has some major pros and cons. It certainly made being a counselor difficult and draining. However, I got to have some really wonderful moments on the job answering questions my teenage clients had about sex and relationships, talking to families about consent and shame, and helping couples have breakthroughs. It made my path to becoming a sex educator very clear. Now that I’ve been in this career for over seven years, I am happy to say that most of my experiences have been really positive. Talking about sexual health and seeing how it can change lives is rewarding. The only negatives have come from narrow-minded people judging me and my work or from men assuming that since I’m a sex educator, it means I’m automatically interested in them/game for sex. The stereotyping that comes my way can get annoying, but the joy of helping others and changing society for the better makes it easier to handle. 

What’s your go to comfort food?

Crunchy peanut butter – on toast or just eaten off of a spoon. I also really love pickles and salt + vinegar potato chips. 

What’s one of the most common misconceptions regarding sex and gender do you experience from ordinary people within your line of work?

The biggest misconception I hear is probably just the idea that genitals = gender. This isn’t true, but it is something that plenty of people are confused about or have really strong opinions on for whatever reason. I also get a lot of people who assume that everyone with similar genitals (for example, everyone with a penis) all feel pleasure in the same way or from the same things, but that it false. People are different and there is no “one size fits all” approach to pleasure and sexuality. 

Oregan based sex blogger
Amory Sex Blogger

You have run hundreds of workshops in sexual health, what’s one experience with an attendee that’s stuck with you the most, and if there’s one thing you’d like them to walk away with after a workshop what would that be?

I once had someone tell me that I was their “vagina’s angel” because of what I taught them about lubricants, so that obviously stuck with me! They had been getting chronic yeast infections and having pain during sex until they switched to a different lube at my recommendation. After they started using a lube without any parabens, glycerin, or fragrance, everything improved.

In general, I just want my workshop attendees to walk away feeling more empowered, much less shame, and like they have a new skill or helpful bit of knowledge that could make their sex and/or love lives better. 

Sex is often thought to be shameful, embarrassing and hidden behind closed doors where no one talks about it. How do you make sex education fun and accessible?

Comedy and storytelling are two tools I use that I believe set me apart as a sex educator. Humor helps put people at ease and allows them to have fun and open their minds instead of being nervous and guarded with shame. As for the stories, being candid and transparent makes me vulnerable, which I think folks appreciate. My personal anecdotes double as being both entertaining in an educational way and helping people feel understood and less alone. 

What processes do you go through in your own sexual development and learning? It’s one thing to have researched sex education and become a leader in your field to the point where you can teach sex, sex education, but how do you keep growing and learning from that point?

I feel like I am always learning and developing because I am someone who tries to live boldly and constantly grow as a person. My identity has gone through some major shifts in the past few years, and along with that, so have my needs and desires. I have had to navigate many unexpected changes, which means I’ve done lots of experimenting with my relationships and sex life and have had to follow my own educational advice or seek out other educators in my field. I believe we are all works in progress (even “experts”), and should never stop trying to learn more and be better lovers, friends, and human beings.  

You have a podcast called – Sex on Brain with Amory Jane which is available on Itunes and Stitcher. Which episode means the most to you, and which was the most fun?

The episode that means the most to me is actually the one I have planned to record this week, which is about polyamory and parenthood. Specifically, my polycule and I talk about the changes we’ve experienced as individuals, within our partnerships, and as a community since I gave birth in June. We also discuss how polyamory has been a blessing when it comes to being new parents, and how it has been a challenge. 

The most fun I ever had recording an episode was the one called “Live from the Femme Sex Party.” You can probably guess why that is the case. 😉 

On your podcasts you often talk about people’s sex toys, as well as your own. As we’re approaching a more sex positive society – in what ways do you think sex toys could be improved and made more accessible?

I have seen the industry improve quite a bit from when I first started working at a sex toy boutique. More and more consumers care now about sex toy materials, which means more companies are making and carrying body-safe products that don’t contain phthalates. I think getting rid of harmful materials altogether is the next step toward improvement, as well as making toys that are based on actual customer and sex toy reviewer feedback. I also hope that people will continue to talk more about sex toys on blogs, and in television and movies, to finally get rid of any stigma that still remains. 

Amory Janc Activist
Interview Amory Jane

You mention intimacy and the importance of touch in your of your recent podcast episodes. Do you feel in such a tech-savvy world, where dating is often delegated to apps and online profiles, that we’re forgetting the importance of intimacy within relationships, and if so how would you advise people to reconnect with each other?

I think touch is extremely important and many people are touch-deprived and out in the world feeling lonely. I don’t think technology is the enemy though – I think it can be used for good to help connect people. However, I do believe that intimacy is something tons of people struggle with, and always being on our phones and computers can make it even harder to be present when we’re face to face. I would advise people to make time every week where they tuck away technology and turn in toward each other. Focus on open and vulnerable communication or interesting intellectual conversations. If you don’t know what to discuss, search online beforehand and print off or write down prompts, and then really listen to each other. I also highly encourage non-sexual touch while talking, like holding hands or cuddling. If you’re with someone where sex is an option and you’re feeling connected in that way, sensually exploring each other’s bodies (without a goal of orgasm) can be wonderful for building and maintaining intimacy. 

You’ve just celebrated the recent birth of your child, what kind of things are important to you as he’s growing up and understanding and learning about sex-positivity?

Consent is going to be taught and demonstrated from the beginning, self-exploration will be normalized instead of shamed, and questions will be answered honestly in age-appropriate ways (and we will make sure to always have good resources available if kiddo is feeling shy about coming to us directly). Sex-positivity and body-positivity will be modeled by everyone in the family, meaning we will not body-shame or slut-shame ourselves or others. We hope to create an environment that teaches empathy, boundaries, respect, and self-love. 

Stephen is a cis-gendered gay male who spends far too much time with his two cats and eating tim tams. A self-identified sex-positive advocate he cares deeply about gender equality, disabilities, sexual education and social issues. Opinionated and bold he isn’t afraid to speak his mind and say what others won’t. With a yearning for knowledge and experience in all things relating to sex, he is a prolific writer that has developed the content for a myriad of informative Sexual Health and Wellness websites.

Stephen’s articles and writings tends to focus on social issues, sexual education, queer issues and all things fetish and absurd. He comes qualified with the completion of a double Bachelor degree in Social Sciences and literature, and a Masters in Education.

Reconnecting With Your Lover – 7 Experts Share Advice!

Experts Advice

Claudia Six, PhD, Clinical Sexologist & Relationship Coach, www.drsix.net and author of Erotic Integrity.

Claudia Six Phd
Photo: Claudia Six

When sex fades in a relationship, happens less and less frequently to not at all, there’s a very good reason why. When things get gummed up in bed, there’s always a way that it makes perfect sense. You can try tricks and toys, but you also need to open your mouth, and talk – to each other, not your best friend.

Talk about what sex represents for you (connection, release, a way to get to sleep, a spiritual event…). It’s ok if you have different answers – you’re different people.

Ask each other what you haven’t been saying, the stuff you’ve been afraid to tell your partner because you didn’t want to hurt their feelings. This is the time to be candid. Having difficult conversations actually has the most potential to boost intimacy and eroticism in a relationship.

Cassie Wolfe, PhD, Licensed Clinical Social Worker & Sex Therapist

Cassie Wolfe Phd And Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Photo: Cassie Wolfe

Communicate. Communicate. Communicate.  Your needs are important and valued.  It is common for life, work, stress, anxiety, having children, differing work schedules, etc. to get in the way.  Make having a connection with your partner/s/ a priority, even if that means actually scheduling a specific time on your calendar.  It’s also normal to have variation in one’s sex drive.  Just remember that some partners experience responsive arousal – meaning they get more excited in the midst of foreplay (which reminds me – FOREPLAY!! Stop rushing and don’t forget FOREPLAY), while some can be more spontaneous.  Focus on the quality over quantity.

Cassie’s Facebook Page

Michelle Roberton

Tantric Counselor
Michelle Roberton
Body Love
Love Activist

Sexual Trauma and Intimacy Expert

Often in our fast pace world we can loose connection with ourselves and our own bodies, let alone our Lovers. Stuck in our heads and goals, our body looses it’s mojo and so too do our relationships.  I feel there are three major keys that firstly support us to be more connected to our self and then those same three keys support us to reconnect with our lover.  We cannot give what we have not got, so it is essential I feel, to connect firstly to self so our connection with our lover has substance and authenticity behind it.

These three keys are:

The breath … immersing into the rhythm of your own breath, not changing it.  Just feeling the rise and fall of your own breath.  If we can intimately know our own breath, we can then intimately breathe with another.  This brings us into the our body, slows us down and brings the second key ; Presence ~ being here and now with our lover and full in our body.   And finally the third key, as we breath we open, we surrender and we become more aware of our senses… the smell of our lover, the touch of their skin, the sound of their breath … the taste of them on our lips.
Simple keys I know … breathe, presence and the senses.  But who ever said sex has to be a performing art or complicated?

Darren Michaels  Flipside

       
Erotic Literature
Erotic Author
2010 IPPY Award Winning Author
Featured guest/contributor on:
Cosmo.com                    AskMen.com
Playboy Radio                Foxnews.com
Match.com                     Galtime.com
Women’s Health   
As the old saying goes “Familiarity breeds contempt”; human beings needs variety and novelty, it is our nature.  When you fall into a routine with someone, these things go away.  One of the best thing about having an intimate partner it just that…intimate knowledge of one another.  You both are already past the awkward beginning stage of a relationship where you are trying to figure out each other’s boundaries.  This is likely well established by now.  Use it to your advantage.  
 
Plan a nice dinner and an adult conversation about this topic.  Men are too ego-fragile to try something for fear of getting shot down, and many women are far more sexually adventurous than their partner will ever know, but don’t outwardly express this.  If you are going to do adult things, you need to have adult conversations as well.
Find out what has been done before and enjoyed, find out what has never done but always wanted to.  Be adults and have the conversation in advance, this will set the stage for a rekindling,and hopefully infusing some new adventure into the mix as well!

Amory Jane

Comedian
Sex Educator
Comedian, variety host, podcaster, producer…

I think touch is extremely important and many people are touch-deprived and out in the world feeling lonely. I don’t think technology is the enemy though – I think it can be used for good to help connect people. However, I do believe that intimacy is something tons of people struggle with, and always being on our phones and computers can make it even harder to be present when we’re face to face. I would advise people to make time every week where they tuck away technology and turn in toward each other. Focus on open and vulnerable communication or interesting intellectual conversations. If you don’t know what to discuss, search online beforehand and print off or write down prompts, and then really listen to each other. I also highly encourage non-sexual touch while talking, like holding hands or cuddling. If you’re with someone where sex is an option and you’re feeling connected in that way, sensually exploring each other’s bodies (without a goal of orgasm) can be wonderful for building and maintaining intimacy.

Walker Thornton

Self Care Consultant
Author And Sex Educator

Public speaker, relationship consultant and author

It’s an experience I’ve had just enough to know it is our most desired way of experiencing sexual intimacy. My best sexual experiences are those where I connect with my partner and we’re both aware of our mutual desire for pleasure. A dance has to have 2 active partners—it’s a give and take. Sex is no different. We learn by listening or sensing another’s body, we adjust accordingly and we flow together. There are plenty of men out there, of all ages, who consider sex as “sticking it in” and getting off. They don’t understand the importance of mutuality, nor do they understand the power of two people equally engaged and actively participating.

Dr. Stacy Friedman

Certified Sex Coach
Clinical Sexologist

Sexpert, Sex Coach, Intimacy Consultant

Want to reconnect sexually with your lover? Get out of your routine and try something different! Many times finding ways to reconnect can be something as easy as bringing in some variety. Have a night filled with learning your partners body, something that I like to call “Exploration Nights”! Our bodies are filled with erogenous zones that are never touched, kissed, licked or loved.  Your body is not just lips, breasts, and genitals as it starts from the head and ends at the toes. Take advantage of slowly touching, massaging, and appreciating the little nooks and crannies that your partner has.  The crease of the elbow, the bend of the knee, the inner arm or the curves of the ankle…these can stimulate nerves and sensations that you never knew you had.  Focus on the idea of feeling pleasure verse the idea of performance where you can enjoy the actual act of connection and intimacy rather than having the experience be all about the ins and outs of intercourse. What exactly does that mean? Being intimate is about being vulnerable and being in the moment.  Take the time to see how your lover reacts to your touch, how they move, the softness of their skin and talk about what you enjoyed the best. When you take the opportunity to just spend time enjoying each other and building the connection, it makes all the difference in your relationship and your sexual connection.  You feel more in tune to your partner, how they feel and react to your touch as well as different things that they may enjoy, now that you took the time to explore. To read more about how to truly build your intimacy on your “Exploration Night”, download your free digital copy of my new Amazon best selling book, “Confessions & Lessons of a Sexpert”, found on www.DrStacyBook.com or for a paperback and Kindle version, you can find it on Amazon.

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Sexpert is our resident full time sex blogger. Having successfully owned and managed a number of blogs relating to women’s lifestyle, she easily blended into her role as chief blogger of the Adultsmart Blog. She is in a long term relationship with her boyfriend. She also runs Good Girl Guide, a sexual lifestyle blog.