So you have tried everything you can do to reignite that spark in your relationship. Individual counselling, couples therapy and everything between but it is done. Although one or both of you may still love each other you cannot live with each other. Now is the time to act before cohabitation sours the perspective and you grow to hate the sight of your now ex.
When there are kids involved, property, businesses this may seem difficult – especially as for most the family home is the most valuable asset that you both own. If you have kids here is the time to suck it up sweetheart and do what is best for the kids.
First and foremost do not argue or discuss controversial matters in front of the kids. If you seem like you are heading for an argument one or both of you have the will-power to walk away and raise the issue at a later time when it is just the two of you. Just because the two of you no longer want to live with each other it does not mean that you should impact or effect others negatively – especially your treasured children that will love you both and do not want to pick sides. They will probably hurt more than you in the separation and it will not take much for them to blame themselves for the break-up.
Affirm to them that they are not the problem and each of you love them equally.
So who moves out? Decades ago it was generally the man whilst the woman was left to be the primary caregiver for the children. Maintenance would be paid by the father who would get visitation rights and some portions of school holidays.
These days men want to be more a part of their children’s up-bringing, development and more and more co-parenting arrangements are made on a 50/50 basis. Statistically – as long as there is no abuse or history of it – these children will grow up to be more grounded without feeling torn between their loyalty to either parent.
So what do you do when you are in this situation? It is not for everybody and can only be done if both parents agree and there is no active animosity openly display. It is the concept of
bird nest custody
In bird’s nest custody the aim is to minimize the disruption in the effected children’s lives and is where the parents share equally the family home until it is sold or other arrangements are made. The ‘birds nest’ has to be accommodation that is close to the home and only if the custody agreement in this interim stage is agreed to be joint or pretty close to that.
This arrangement stops children being traumatized by leaving their home to ‘visit’ a parent and will also allow the children to grow accustomed to each parent living separate lives.
The accommodation either can be 2 cheap studio apartments local or a 2 bedroom apartment where each parent has their bedroom on the week it is not their turn to live in the home. This makes it more economically viable than the expense of renting and decking out a whole new home and having two full household expenses.
Most people are not thrilled to live in two different places so this is an interim set-up until the family home is sold or otherwise disposed of and other arrangements are set. If either party wish to start dating it may be difficult for a ‘birds nest’ arrangement to stay in place. For it to work both parents have to be committed and be able to co-operate well.
Once you have agreed that this is the best solution for the children you must set the schedule of week on and week off. The changeover should be whilst the kids are at school so there is no impact or distress. Bills should be shared equally unless one requires extra amenities for example premium cable, gym hire or other things the other person will not use. Agreements on housekeeping – what day the house (and birds nest) will be cleaned – what individual duties like cleaning the veranda, windows, shopping etc are allocated. Perhaps sharing the expense hiring a cleaner once a week the day before changeover is the most convenient and stress free option.
This is an interim arrangement so the house should be sold and division of proceeds of that sale agreed upon. Whilst working through this other divisions such as business, car, super etc can also be discussed and finalized by an attorney.
The apartment also should be discussed. Will both parties be okay sharing towels, dishes – the more detail the less chance there is that there will be an issue later down the track.
Most importantly both have to sit down and devise a parenting plan/agreement. This also will be an interim document that can then be made into orders at you Family Court. The parenting plan should detail –
Regular Visitation and Custody Schedule
Holiday and Vacation Schedule
Special Circumstance – especially important when one of the children has a health condition
Outline Who The Children Are Allowed To Stay With – taking into consideration first right of refusal
Changeover Guidelines – with nesting arrangement it is best during school but must take into consideration school holidays and special circumstances
Activities – Both what are acceptable activities and which parent will take them
Special Events – In a co-parenting agreement it would be assumed that both parents have the best interests of the children so both may attend
Communication – Times to call the parent whilst nesting. Also for one parent to inform the other about punishments or rewards.
Pick Up and Drop Offs – coordinating a schedule that both can follow on their week ons (and to assist in week offs)
Expenses – Such as clothing, sporting etc that are required for the children and how they will be shared
Lifestyle Choices – To include communication between parents for important decisions that will be made for the positive development of the children
House Rules – Agree on rules for the children. Curfews, supervision, consequences that both parents will adhere to
Putting all this down in writing and when agreed sign it. This can then be filed with the court and made into orders. The more information in the parenting plan the easier it will be to avoid future issues. Provision must be made for amendments to the plan, especially as circumstances will change.
It is a big decision and not a walk in the park but if the parents can work together fairly ‘bird nesting’ arrangements certainly are the best for the children.
A follow up from When Things Go Bad article….

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