14 Secrets Behind Why Guy’s Buy You Drinks

A guy buying drinks

Is it a thoughtful gesture or a golden ticket to his bed?

The age old question is:

“What does it mean when a guy buys you a drink in a bar?”

I have always wondered what the exact motive is other than the standard answer of “being a gentleman” because we all know most have a hidden agenda, there is however always an exception to the rule, but mostly just the rule.

Basically to put it bluntly any man who is offering to buy you a drink or actually is buying you a drink wants something. That something depends on the guy and the situation but by accepting that drink you are unofficially accepting the idea of entering into his request. Now that request could be a general conversation, or it could be that golden ticket to take you home.  Nothing in life is free, and expectations are always bought up in one way or another.

From working in a bar, and being in that “bar lifestyle” I have been witness to many amusing events as to reactions and end results of guys buying girls drinks.

And let me tell you there is no age limit on this…

From the information I have researched and also from what I have asked my male friends the agenda seems to be indirectly the same. Maybe this is because unlike men, women read deeply into things, and over think situations and it’s not always, as it seems.

Most guys first response when you ask is usually just for conversation or to be a nice guy, but is that just what you want to hear or what they actually want?

Being a female myself I have been witness too and experienced myself the magnitude in which guys offer to buy drinks for girls. I have never entered into this maybe because of all that I have witnessed or maybe because I wasn’t interested in what they were offering, who knows. What I do know is that I have in fact bought guys drinks if they promise to leave me alone for the rest of the night… it works mostly…

So here we get down to the nitty gritty, if one drink means one conversation what does two drinks mean? And so on? When you allow a guy to buy you a drink the polite thing to do is to let them speak to you and have a general conversation while drinking said drink. If you are “one of those girls” you will take the drink off the bar as soon as it’s placed and disappear like a ninja with drink in hand! You then spend the rest of the night ducking from the poor lost soul who purchased that drink for you.

Homer Simpson going into a bush
Image: Simpson Meme

If a man buys you a second drink, you are basically telling him you enjoy his company enough to stick around for another in-depth chat but when does this turn in to a golden ticket to his bed? This debate is never ending and I guess it depends on the person and how much “liquid courage” has been consumed from both parties prior to this investment.

Because men and women are made different there is some obvious differences in thoughts as to what buying a drink means. One blogger by the name of Big_Knows_Best surveyed 20 guys in a local bar and documented their responses, the responses are beyond hilarious.

From the start of the night to the end there is a major shift in responses for added humour she has also added in her own commentary.

Here are a few just for your enjoyment:


This was the most common answer at the beginning of the night. Cool, man. You’re a great guy or whatever. Boring. I’ll check back with you after a few more shots. Maybe he will use a pick-up line that will work!


Really? For just one drink? I guess this works on the girls whose drinks aren’t usually purchased for them. Best of luck in your safari for girls with low self-esteem, sir.

Conversation that will lead to sex

Now, we are getting somewhere.

“When you buy a shot, you’re trying to close the deal. If you buy a beer you’re just trying to extend the conversation”

A method. I like it

“One drink? Conversation. Two? Get a little personal. Three? I better be walking out the door with you”

Basic concept of investment and return. I see you. What about four?

“One drink, like 5 minutes of your time. Two drinks, front door. Three drinks, back door”

Well, that escalated quickly.

“For her to drink it”

*Eye roll* You’re useless.

“At least a dance floor make out and finger bang”

Oh yeah, at LEAST a public finger bang. I see how a $3 beverage warrants that.

“I’ll buy you a drink and show you!”

Clever, Casanova.

But seriously what does it mean! I have a few options for you:

  1. He thinks you can’t afford your own drink, so he wants to be nice! It’s an expensive world out there!
  2. He wants to show you he is a nice guy, and maybe strike up a conversation with you.
  3. He is letting you know he is interested!
  4. He thinks you’re stunning! And he is just showing you some appreciation.
  5. He is hoping you will go home with him to privately show off your sexy lingerie that’s underneath! Well hello mister sleazy!

Now apart from accepting the drink there is also another side to this!

What do you do when you don’t want the drink? Awkward!

Tv Show Drinking Meme
Image: Funny Drink Meme

This is a completely viable option; I found most guys don’t take “No thank you” as an option so I had to get a little creative. Buying that guy a drink instead and asking him to promise to leave you alone for the rest of the night usually works. Not because he took the bribe, but because you basically embarrassed him and his masculinity – you know these days you have just to keep them on their toes!

But no joke it’s easy! By saying no thank you, or something along the lines of “I have already had enough tonight, but thanks” or “I already have a drink, but thanks” work perfectly fine too.

On a safety note as a general rule you shouldn’t really accept drinks from strangers, basically from a young age we are taught to not take candy from a stranger… I feel the same rule applies!

Happy drinking!

Morgan x

Author: Morgan is a consultant from Oh Zone Adult Lifestyle Centres





Although relatively young Morgan has lived a life filled with experiences that have made her grow as a person. She has completed and is a product and interior designer who is a strong believer in equality between sexes and speaks out against violence. Working in the adult industry has allowed her to grow as a person and come out of her emotional and sexual shell.

I Turned Myself Into A Butt Naked Adult Baby

Grown up man whos an adult baby

Let me paint you a lovely little picture. A ginger man, in his mid 20’s. It’s a photograph posted on an Instagram page. He is completely naked. The image is cropped somewhere between the shaft and the pubic bone. No graphic nudity is displayed. Those pesky nipples are on display but they are male nipples so they are a-ok.

Is It Art… Or Is It Porn?

Nestled neatly in the crook of his arm, is a smaller version of himself. Still nude. Curled up like a baby. Suckling at his own breast, you can see his pert buttocks.

I created this composite photograph as a bit of a giggle to post on Mother’s Day one year. It was well received on social media, it was shared multiple times and was one of my most commented/liked images I had ever posted.

Adult baby
Image: JJ Maher

“You have been banned for 48 hours and your profile is under review. If at the end of the 48 hour period your profile still contains images that are not fitting with the guidelines of [social media website redacted] your account will be terminated. There will be no correspondence entered into.”

“How rude” I thought to myself. I worked damn hard on that image. I thought it was a bit of a joke. It didn’t contain anything the breached the guidelines of the website. It was on the edge but I made sure not to go over.

Alas, this particular image was simply too obscene. In the years of posting nearly naked women and men I had luckily never tripped into the domain of having images reported or taken down. I had finally found the line in the sand.

It cost me exactly $250.00 to find out that the law in Australia is barely comprehensible when it comes to the creation of pornographic material. I consulted with a lawyer only to be told we don’t really know.

It turns out, you need to submit every image/video/publication to the Australian Classifications board at your own expense. Wherupon it would be reviewed and rated. Australia does not have an X rating. An R18+ rating will greatly hinder your ability to legally display/advertise your work anywhere online.

Hence I have never sold, marketed, distributed any of my artistic works beyond private, 1 on 1 client basis where the individual in the photographs is the one purchasing them.

I have been creating art for a decade and I have never sold a single piece.

… well not in the traditional sense.

So does that mean what I do must be pornography?

I don’t depict graphic sexual acts, I rarely if ever see genitalia in my work, and even then it is never represented in a graphically detailed depiction. I have always used shadows and angles to protect my subject’s decency and yet I am gun shy to begin selling my work on a larger scale.


You see, the media particularly loves to tear photographers to pieces. Is there a new scam, a new scandal? Sure all the time, is the person a lecherous, filthy and perverted person who owns a camera? Yes?

Then they will be portrayed as a leading industry professional and as a representative of the field as a whole. Maybe I am just biased to noticing these articles in the media because I am in this industry but I have always had the “avoid the witch hunt” mentality.

So is it porn?

If you search the term “porn” on google. You will see definitely examples of porn. I myself was quite shocked when I found out last week that there was hardcore depictions of sexual acts freely available on the internet. It was definitely much further past the line than my own work but does that move the line or simply mean that there are extreme versions of everything freely available and adults can choose themselves where they draw the line?

I myself simply drew the line at penetration. If nothing goes into anything else, then it simply must not be porn.

(This was the best legal advice I could get.)

Ok, so is it Art?

I used the example image I discussed at the start because of a few key features. It is a work of digital composition utilising a high end DSLR camera, expensive studio lighting equipment and expensive editing software.

I used years of experience operating all of this equipment, along with knowledge of artistic styles – borrowing from Rembrandt for the light positioning to create an unusual image.

So, there was an artistic vision and an artistic execution, the piece was intended to invoke a response from its audience.

I had followed the rules in creating a work of art.

I had followed the rules and guidelines set by the medium I wished to distribute this work of art, freely to the common man.

I was judged harshly by the heavy hammer of justice.

So… Is it art, or is it porn?

I guess it’s both. Personally, I don’t think it’s either.

Author: JJ Maher is a consultant from Oh Zone Adult Lifestyle Centres

JJ Maher has been a professional photographer since 2008 covering all facets from shiny glamour to wedding photographs. As he progressed in his career he began to specialize in portraits of people with particular interest in adult erotica and those living outside of the norm in society. His magnificent portfolio speaks for itself and we welcome his insight and stories of his shoots, how he meets his subjects and the interesting tales he has to tell. Oh, and he is also right into music !

6 Thrilling Buck’s Party Ideas You Can Do At Home

Bucks Party at home

Okay, it’s the most important day of your life… Yes that’s right your bucks party! That’s why we have teamed up with the girls from Bad Bunny to deliver some awesome buck’s party ideas. Now these aren’t your typical ideas like paint balling or a pub crawl, no, these ideas are all about bringing the party to your crib! That’s right these are 6 awesome bucks party ideas you can do at home, enjoy.

Sumo Suits

This is the closest thing you will get to real WWE Smack Down… Sumo wrestling… well inflatable summo wrestling!! This is a great idea for any bucks party, especially those who don’t mind a bit of Rey Mysterio. There is 1 rule however and that is the Stag (man of honour) must sumo wrestle against every one of his boys at least once throughout the night. This not only gives you a chance to wale on the best man but also to prove once and for all who is truly the wrestling champion amongst you.

Sumo Suit at a bucks party
Image: Sumo Suit

Mechanical Bull

Saddle up cowboy because this is gonna be one hell of a ride… a bull ride that is…. well a mechanical bull ride? (You didn’t think we would recommend a real bull did you!) This spinning and twisting ride of terror is the perfect item for any soon to be married man at a bucks party. Test your strength and stamina, see who out of your mates is truly the Clint Eastwood of the gang. Use this bucking bull for hours of fun with drinking games. Of course, the main cowboy (the future groom) should get the first shot at taming this wild mechanical beast… especially when the settings are on super-fast.

Mechanical Bull at a bucks party
Image: Mechanical Bull

Jelly Wrestling

I love Aeroplane Jelly… Aeroplane Jelly for me… (Sorry for reminiscing) When looking for buck’s night ideas you can do at home look no further than jelly wrestling! This crowd favourite is always guaranteed to get you sticky all over. When organising the lady entertainment for your stag party you should ask for a performer (or 4) who will be willing to participate in the jelly wrestling events.

Luckily, our Bad Bunnies love jelly! We had a buck’s party where two strippers got into the jelly with the lucky buck and completely smashed him. It was one of the most brilliant things we have ever seen here at Bad Bunny. So if you are keen to get a little messy then Jelly Wrestling is the perfect idea to set up at your home bucks party, all you need is an inflatable pool and a Sh@#t tone of jelly… have fun.

Bubble Soccer

So your one mate thinks he is the Aussie Beckham… he thinks he should be playing for Manchester. Well bubble soccer is the perfect way to really see what he is made of… also it’s a ton of fun. Bubble Soccer is an awesome, action packed game for up to as many players as you want on each side. You’ll be bumping into each other at speed, most times the soccer ball will get completely ignored as you just try and crash into each other. Don’t worry for all your wusses out there playing bubble football is perfectly safe as you are fully in cased and protected… a bit like bubble boy.

Bubble Soccer ata bucks party
Image: Bubble Soccer

Axe Throwing

Are you ready to get your inner Viking on? Well there is only one true way to test your might and that’s by throwing rusty axes at blocks of wood. This is so simple to set up as it only requires a small axe and some blocks of wood. Place the targets a safe distance away. Let out a fierce scream like you’re auditioning for the role of Thor and let the fun begin. Now normally we would incorporate some kind of drinking game into any bucks activity (it is a buck’s night, what do you expect!) But in this case we thought we should maybe leave it, we don’t want any fingers going missing now do we? Instead we recommend keeping a points system and the one with the least at the end has to scull some sort of vile mix of drinks… whatever the punishment this game is a guaranteed good time.

Axe Throwing at a bucks party
Image: Axe Throwing

Naked Chief

If you are thinking of a nice meal to celebrate your buck’s night but don’t want to go to a restaurant then a topless or nude chief is exactly what you need. Basically it’s as simple as it sounds, you will have either a topless or nude chief cook up an amazing meal of your choice, plus you will get to see all the action as this sexy master chief prepares the meal, guaranteeing to have your mouths watering even before you are served the dish. Now this type of event also goes great with some topless waitresses to serve the food and drinks, giving you an experience that restaurants simply cannot.

We hope you have enjoyed our list of different buck’s party ideas that you can do from home. Keep a look out on our blog for more buck’s party related content. Be sure to also check out the bucks and bachelorette party items.

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One’s Art Is Another’s Porn

Woman kissing a male statue

Would you hang a painting of two people “making love” in your home? How about an image of two people “Fucking”? The first one sounded more like a possibility, didn’t it? A painting of “making love” sounded more artistic and appropriate to share with others.

How Do We Separate Art And Porn?

Is there a need to separate or a need to take a second look? I’ve heard it argued that depictions of intercourse describe what is pornographic, perhaps that’s a valid argument? On second thought… I had to think of all the art and artists that do depict intercourse (and there are a lot of them), some in a very graphic way others in a more conceptual way. Looking through history and modern art to me it’s very hard to see a line between what is pornographic and what is “art”. Whilst looking at the following works of art keep in mind that both art and pornographic material can be used to explore sexuality.

Katsushika Hokusai

Everyone knows or is familiar with Japanese artist Katsushika Hokusai, No? The name doesn’t sound familiar? He painted mostly in the early 1800’s, one of his pieces has been duplicated and redone in everything from wallpaper to car seat covers.

Famous japanese print of sea
Image: Katsushika Hokusai – Under The Wave Of Kanagawa

While this might be Katsushika more well-known piece in western culture, it is his Shunga works that give Katsushika his most notable fame. Shunga means Spring and Spring is a Japanese euphemism for Sex.

Asian people having sex
Image: Katsushika Hokusai – The Adonis Plant
An octopuss eating out a woman
Image: Katsushika Hokusai -The Dream of the Fishermans Wife

Jeff Koons

Jeff Koons is an American artist best known for his Banal object pieces. Famous for recreating balloon animals in large stainless steel sculptures. Also very well known for his pop culture subjects.

Golden sculpture of Micheal Jackson & Bubbles
Image: Jeff Koons – Micheal Jackson & Bubbles 1988

At one point in the 90s, while he was married to Italian Adult film star, Jeff put together a full art show surrounding their intimate acts. Images are blown up beyond life size. These giant portraits filled the gallery floor to ceiling. The series is called “Made in Heaven” 1991. Have a search for it if you’re into that 70’s porn magazine portraits. From the same series, Koons made enamel sculptures of these same intimate moments. Maybe it’s just me, but I think they could sit next to any Swarovski collection.

Scultpure of man having sex with a woman
Image: Jeff Koons – Dirty Jeff On Top
Scuplture of oral sex
Image: Jeff Koons – Jeff Eating IIona 1991

Andy Warhol

Everyone’s favourite Pop Artist Andy Warhol Is not a name synonymous with Erotica, at least to most of his fans. He was made famous by his POP art style and celebrity collaborations.  I think most memorable was his series with Marilyn Monroe in the late 60s. Another artist whose works have been replicated in every medium possible.

Pop art of Marilyn Monroe
Image: Andy Warhol – Monroe Series

Andy Warhol definitely had his foray into the erotica world. Especially later in his art careers when most of his subject matter went predominately in the homo erotic direction. Warhol’s “Pop” Art style certainly added an ambiguity to the explicit pieces he was creating.

Sexy feet erotic porn
Image: Andy Warhol – Torsos and Sex Parts Series 1977
A painting of a big dick
Image: Andy Warhol – Torsos And Sex Parts

All of these artists are known artists for their “non-erotic” works and yet even with their collections of erotic art, we don’t consider them as a Pornographic artist or even vulgar artist. They are noted for their contributions and individual takes on the human sexual form and the act of sex itself. Art is often blamed for being a product that romanticises the act of sex through the renaissance era particularly. Making it look so soft and delicate and of course depicting the man to be in charge.

There was a time that artists and their art were created to shock us and displace our minds. Art was there to force us to rethink our rational and expand the way to view everyday life and events. Today every 13 seconds new porn is uploaded to the internet. Today’s people are not shocked by the artwork, but rather the constant input of pornographic videos and moving images.

Just like sexual preferences, everyone has their own taste in what Art is. Perhaps before this blog post, you hadn’t considered Erotic art at all? I have only included the smallest references to erotic art and artists in this article but Oh Zones Adult Lifestyle Centres around Sydney have a number of great books with vast collections of Erotic Art. If you would like to look at more art, have a look at my tribute to my favourite male erotic art.

Author: KrizPatrick BA(Hon) Psychology- Human Sexuality

Patrick Kriz has a Bachelor Degree (Honours) in Psychology – Human Sexuality. Patrick is a wonderful man that has a wealth of knowledge and is happy to share this with those around him. He is articulate, educated and the provider or interesting and educational writings.

Having been a regular contributor to this blog for the past couple of months he has consented to add his profile to our ever expanding list of bloggers that provide us with the great content provided to you. We thank all our contributors and authors and a special thanks to Patrick whom we deem to be an expert on all things relating to sexual wellness and adult lifestyle with quality writings. Be sure to follow Patrick on Instagram.

Speak Out To Prevent Violence Against Women

Domestic Violence Support For Women

You are fearless, strong and unbeatable!

* Disclaimer – Please be advised that this article contains a personal account of Domestic Violence that may trigger some readers *

White Ribbon’s Definition Of Domestic Violence

Violence, abuse and intimidation between people who are or have been in an intimate relationship. The perpetrator uses violence to control and dominate the other person. This causes fear, physical harm and/or psychological harm. Domestic violence is a violation of human rights.

Domestic violence can include:

  • Emotional abuse.
  • Physical assault.
  • Sexual assault.
  • Verbal abuse.
  • Financial abuse.
  • Psychological abuse.
  • Isolating a woman from her friends and family.
  • Stopping a woman from practicing her religion.

Domestic Violence Can Be Experienced As

It isn’t always easy to see the signs of domestic violence, or an abusive relationship. There are so many ways in which they can be present, and are not always done in public, jealously, possessiveness, put downs, threats and violence are just a few ways in which domestic violence is shown.

Below is a list from white ribbon of ways in which a women can be experiencing domestic violence in her relationship:

  • Unfairly and regularly accuses her of flirting or being unfaithful.
  • Controls how she spends money.
  • Decides what she wears or eats.
  • Humiliates her in front of other people.
  • Monitors what she is doing, including reading her emails and text messages.
  • Discourages or prevents her from seeing friends and family.
  • Threatens to hurt her, the children or pets.
  • Physically assaults her (hitting, biting, slapping, kicking, pushing).
  • Yells at her.
  • Threatens to use a weapon against her.
  • Decides what she uses for birth control.
  • Forces her to have an abortion or to continue a pregnancy.
  • Constantly compares her with other people.
  • Constantly criticises her intelligence, mental health and appearance.
  • Prevents her from practicing her religion.
Domestic Violence counselling services
Image: 1800 Respect

My Personal Story

In light of White Ribbon Day I have decided to briefly explain my situation with domestic violence, specifically involving the topics of stalking, verbal, physical, emotional and sexual abuse. For the duration of this blog I will refer to my ex as Mister Y, (because I really do wonder why for a lot of reasons).

In a previous blog I explained my personal story about surviving sexual assault briefly from 2008, but in 2009 I met mister Y. I was young and had only turned 17 that year and it was just before the end of year 12. He seemed normal, I was hesitant because of what had happened the year before but I was also not looking for a relationship and I wasn’t confident at all. I had a lot of self-doubt, I felt worthless and not good enough in a lot of ways, so maybe because he was a little older (at this stage I assumed 22 was old which meant more mature- good joke!) and seemed to take an interest in me was possibly the reason why I was blind to a lot of things.

Any who the relationship started off fairly normal or so I thought, he would never compliment me but he would be slightly jealous when other guys would show me attention, I saw this as flattering at first. The first time we met he commented on what I wore with a little friendly put down, I thought he must have liked what I wore because aren’t we taught from a young age that when a boy likes you he puts you down? Clearly I didn’t see this as one of the signs because my already deflated self-worth and self-confidence was used to it. At the time I didn’t notice the fact that he was hiding our relationship when we started to date, probably because I was only 17 and wasn’t able to go into clubs with him. I would however pick him and his mates up, they were all amused at my age and the fact my car had “P” plates on it.

I guess the emotional and sexual abuse started before the physical, but it was only when I look back at it now that I understand it as sexual abuse. Back then I thought that when it’s your boyfriend it was ok – I was wrong. At the start he would make comments on my body, and if we drove past a girl he liked or walked past a girl he would say “she would look better in my car” or “I wish you looked like her” it made me seriously consider my body and image. We went to the gym together and I tried really hard to lose weight, I was 5”4 and a size 10 with a curvy figure. This is probably when I first started to starve myself or to purge my food, it didn’t help the fact that Mister Y would portion control my food as well.

Not long into the relationship he started to become physical, he would throw objects at me or slap/hit me on my arms and ribs, he would also spit at me. At the most littlest things as well, if his footy team lost, if I didn’t do something correctly, if he was angry at someone else or if the food I ate was crunchy – I would never eat crunchy foods as I was scared he would yell or would hit me. He would also tell me what I could or couldn’t wear, and send me home to change into the correct outfit for him.

It was often that he would yell at me at the gym for not being able to spot him while doing weights, if he was angry at not being able to lift the weight he wanted or just generally frustrated. I often would get told to walk home and sometimes he would hit me with one of the weights. I constantly was covered in bruises but all my bruises or marks were hidden under my clothing, he never hit me where it was obvious for someone to see.

He would push me out of the car while it was moving, throw my handbag out of the car, push me down his drive way which was on a hill, throw me into the gutter, stomp on my rib cage, kick me in the ribs, slam car doors onto me, shut the garage door on top of me, when I was at work (I worked in a pub) he would sit and hide in the poker machine room and watched me as I worked, and would send me threatening messages if I was speaking to a male for too long, he always accused me of cheating, monitored my phone calls, messages and social media accounts, he threatened to push me down the stairs if I ever fell pregnant, punch me in the stomach and so on – I think you get the point.

This was not a one off either this was on a weekly basis, what topped everything off and actually woke me up to his abuse, was one night while we were having dinner with his dad at the local pub. We had just gotten our meal and a bar tender came up to us, he had been bragging about flirting with her a few times that week and was going to get her number. For some reason she walked up to me in front of him and his dad, she gave me her number because she thought I’d be perfect for some promo work that she was involved in. I took the number and put it in my handbag, I didn’t think anything of this until we got back to his parents place.

That night just as we were getting into bed he started screaming at me for getting her number and not him, he chocked me out, pinned me up against the wall, I was screaming his mum was bashing on his door to let me out and his younger brother was crying. He tore my singlet off, ripped my bra threw me to the floor and started kicking me. I somehow got up, opened the door and ran out of his room all the way into the garage while basically naked. He followed me and locked the garage door so I couldn’t get out, I was crying because I didn’t know what to do. I knew I needed my handbag and phone and I kept asking him to let me get my things. He finally let me back upstairs but instead of letting me leave he kept apologising, he grabbed me and put me into bed. He held onto me and wouldn’t let go. I just did as I was told, I was petrified. At about 4am he finally fell asleep and let go of me. I got my things, I ran out of the house and ran home.

The next day when he found out I was gone he rang me non-stop until I answered. He was crying, I suggested we have a 2-week break. During the break we still saw each other but I finally got the strength to stand up to him consider leaving him. Although I was so incredibly scared I finally got the courage to leave him after a month. When it finally ended Mister Y spent a few days with his car parked out the front of my house refusing to leave. He screamed out to me, apologised, asked to marry me and eventually after my parents called the police he left – I changed my number, I stayed away from him and so did he. This was a two and a half year nightmare, and I could go into more depth but I think you all get the idea of how my day to day was in this relationship. It was a massive moment in my life and too this day I cannot understand why I was so scared to leave and why I didn’t leave. At the time all I thought was that if I leave he is going to hurt me more.

How to help people in a Domestic Violent situation
Image: Use STOP to help people who may be in a Domestic Violent situation

That was the moment my view on relationships and men had changed for the rest of my life. Learning to love again after an abusive relationship is huge, I highly recommend not jumping into a new relationship once you have ended your abusive one. It’s often difficult to learn to live with no one but trust me when I say it will help!

After an abusive relationship opening up to love is very difficult, you want to trust and you want to love again but you can’t help but worry about falling in love with that type of personality again. It is easy to fall back into that pattern but YOU are more than capable of breaking that habit!

9 Ways You Can Approach A New Relationship

I will list some ways in which psychiatrists and other mental health experts have explained ways in which you can approach your next relationship:

You have to understand why you were drawn to that person.

Being in a relationship that is toxic can leave you with emotional and physical scars.  You have probably stressed over why you stayed for as long as you did, but self-reflection is GOOD! Figuring out what drew you to that person in the first place will make you less susceptible to falling for a similar type of person again.

DO NOT beat yourself up for staying with that person.

You need to forgive yourself; you also need to look at the choices you made with honesty and compassion.

Make a list of things you want.

Write down on paper what you want and what you can’t accept in your next relationship. List the behaviours that you will never tolerate in any relationship and when you are comfortable in your new relationship get that list out. Share the list with your new partner and talk about each other’s boundaries and vulnerabilities.

Get in touch with your own needs.

You have just spent years of your life with someone who did not respect you, someone who belittled you and made your feel completely worthless. Before you even consider moving on to a new relationship you need to get in touch with yourself first! You need to work out what you really want in life, you will need to learn to love and appreciate yourself again.

Reconnect with your support system.

Chances are your ex took over your social life and pulled you away from friends and family in order to monopolise you. Now that you are single again its times to reconnect with those friends so that when eventually you do get in another relationship, you have those people in your life who will support and love you no matter what, as well as family and friends to depend on. Your friends and family will always see the things you are blind too and will speak up.

Believe that it is possible to trust and love again.

Do not believe that everyone is bad, do not let a pattern of bad relationships lead you to believe that you do not deserve to be happy and in love with a healthy relationship. You will find someone who is amazing and perfect for you, you will learn to trust again and you will learn to recognise those red flags.

Tell your new partner that you were abused in your previous relationship.

Having honest conversations about each other’s relationship history is key to building trust in any new relationship. Especially if you have been involved in an abusive one, you need to let your partner know that you are still healing and are a work in progress. Trust is extremely important at this point.

Trust your gut with new potential partners.

You may feel like you can’t trust your own gut feeling, but trust me you can. You are often made to feel like you are the one who is crazy, your feelings are warranted but you are not crazy! A healthy partner will be someone who is capable of empathy, who can handle your worries and will comfort you.

Speak up!

Make sure you speak up about any certain behaviour you are not comfortable with or are harmed by!

Quote said by a woman who survived domestic violence
Image: Quote Said By A Domestic Violence Survivor

I still to this day remember the exact moment I turned to my dad in the car and said:

“Dad, do you know what? I love myself again.”

That moment will stay with my family and me forever. That was just the start of my new journey and love for life again! Never lose hope and never lose your sparkle.

Author: Morgan is a consultant from Oh Zone Adult Lifestyle Centres

Although relatively young Morgan has lived a life filled with experiences that have made her grow as a person. She has completed and is a product and interior designer who is a strong believer in equality between sexes and speaks out against violence. Working in the adult industry has allowed her to grow as a person and come out of her emotional and sexual shell.

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