This is for parents who have children that have just come out!!

Coming Out Lesbian

Firstly let me just explain, I have a beautiful daughter who is a Lesbian, so do I understand some of what other parents or grandparents or relatives or friends go through in these situations when the children first come out? YES!! I understand the good, the bad and the ugly side to when your child first comes out.

 

I would like to say to the children that telling your parents in a text message is not a good idea as you are really not helping them understand or helping yourself. My daughter actually did this and I can honestly say I found this harder than her actually telling me to my face as I really thought we had a better relationship than that. So did I respond well to the text? NO I didn’t as I was so upset about the fact she sent it via a text that I was responding to that more than her telling  me she was a lesbian.

 

The Truth is we all react differently in these kind of situations but most of all I would rather my child be 100% happy with who they are and what they want out of life than them to suffer in silence or feel bad about who they are they should never feel there alone. As their parents we protect them all the way through their lives so why not do that now when they need us the most. You need to LISTEN to them and try to understand this is who they are. Nothing has changed, it’s a part of that beautiful child you loved before those words were spoken. Don’t risk losing them forever!!

 

I remember my reaction was just awful at first but when I drove to pick my daughter up from school and she got in the car, we both sat there crying for a bit then we went for a drive to chat about things as I had a lot of questions because I didn’t understand, I actually thought I had done something wrong. Had I raised her to despise men because I separated from her father when she was 6 years old? Had I been too hard on her? What was silly is I kept thinking I’d done something wrong in the way I raised her. See, this is one of the first thoughts a lot of parents have (the Don’ts List again). It’s actually not about Us!!!!

 

Listening to them and talking to them is the best way to understand. Hug them, let them know you are still their number 1 supporter. You would in any other situation so why not now. I’m the first to admit I struggled at times meeting the first girlfriend she had and then introducing her as my daughter’s girlfriend to family or friends.

My daughter would actually just look at me and say ‘It’s alright mum just say friend when introducing her’. But I didn’t want her to feel like I was struggling, she always did though. Now I don’t even have a second thought about it as she is a grown woman now and has worked hard to buy her home with her girlfriend.

 

There are times things became very difficult for my daughter as her biological father would never acknowledge she was a lesbian and would just ask on every holiday she had with him if she had a boyfriend yet. This was his way of believing if he didn’t talk about it then it wasn’t true. It took him about 8 years before he now acknowledges his daughter and her girlfriend and now he visits her and her girlfriend on a regular basis and has rebuilt his relationship with his daughter.

Then her stepfather was and still is the worst for not accepting her for who she is. They were once very close as he had raised her from the age of 7 and now they barely speak 2 words to each other. This was very difficult for the entire house as his beliefs were so one sided and after years of disagreeing with him and protection mode kicked in. It became, at times, very distressing for both the kids as I would protect my daughter from cruel comments and also try to explain to our son that this is not the way to behave or respond. But as his father was very verbal about this topic it made it hard for our son to understand what all the arguments where about as my son and daughter are 7 years apart in age but are very close siblings. This almost destroyed our family, but I was never going to let that happen. Today things are better, only my daughter will never feel the same about her stepfather again. So please guys remember stop and think about your responses and if you truly want to keep your child in your life (this sort of behaviour belongs on the don’ts List).

 

When you had concerns that some people out there will treat your child differently this is also true it does happen unfortunately. Quick little story on this. My daughter and I and her girlfriend and my entire family were out one night having fun, we had all just jumped on to the dance floor having a marvelous time, until in the corner of my eye I spotted a young drunk guy having words with my daughter’s girlfriend. Well it went a little crazy from there, this particular guy had said some pretty horrible things, so my daughter jumped in to stop him saying any more and the guy decided that if she was going to have a go he would respond by attempting to hit my daughter. Bad idea. I have then stepped in and I wasn’t going to take his pig headed nasty attitude with the girls or myself.  Well he decided trying to hit me was a good idea, which it was NOT, when I have an entire family with me. This had made me furious as I could not understand why this guy thought he had a right to criticize or even judge anyone but what it did show me is that this is just part of what my daughter and her friends had to put up with broke my heart to think people can be so nasty to my child!

This is where I say we as parents should always be there and support our children no matter what the situation is and remember people will judge and discriminate regardless so if we are there strength and support then they always have someone that will guide and give them the power to stay strong and be happy and most of all love them unconditionally. My children are my world and I know I could never turn my back on them.

I always try to remember the times I needed to talk or just needed my parents and yes I needed my own mum to talk to about all of this and because I was fortunate enough to have an absolutely amazing mum she helped me process things with her unconditional love and our entire family support my daughter in every way possible so don’t be afraid of what you don’t understand in that moment. Just Listen, hug, love, unconditionally.

I hope this helps any parents out there so you never have to face losing your children to lack of understanding. And I hope any young adult children struggling to tell their parents that this might help you as well.

 

From a loving parents point of view..   Lynn is a consultant at the Oh Zone Adult Stores and is more than happy to speak with other parents who may be experiencing the same issues.

Education of Sexual Health for Young Gay Men!

Sexual Health Gay

I’ve spoken before on the failures of the current sexual health education system when it comes to the sexual education of young people. The current system is failing young people that identify as straight, let alone individuals that identify as any other sexual orientation or sexuality. The current system is flawed in that it assumes that the people digesting the content are straight. It assumes that they have sexual relations for biological purposes, and it doesn’t mention or acknowledge the idea of sex for pleasure. This quick guide is not meant to replace that information – but it’s created to facilitate the sexual education of young non-heterosexual men.

Consent

Consent is the most important thing to remember when it comes to being intimate and you should get consent before any type of sexual encounter with everyone involved. Yes, that includes group sex and making sure each individual that will be involved understands what’s about to happen. Consent is more than just yes, or no and it’s extremely important to understand that just because they didn’t say no, doesn’t mean consent was given.

STIs

An STI is a sexually transmitted infection that is passed on from one sexual partner to the other through sexual activity and sexual contact. If you’ve had/have an STI, you’re not dirty – contracting an STI is actually extremely common. The important thing is that you get tested regularly so that it may be treated. STI’s can be shared by:
Skin to skin contact
Vaginal Sex
Anal Sex
Oral Sex
Needles
Contact with body fluids such as blood and semen
While many STI’s have visible symptoms, there are a lot of STI’s that don’t have any symptoms and you may not even be aware that you are carrying it. As such, getting tested is a simple and extremely effective way to make sure that you are STI Free.
What kind of sex is there, and how can you do this safely?
STD
Sexually Transmitted Infections

Oral and Penetrative Sex

You should not engage, or have oral sex if you or your partner has cuts, bumps, or sores around their genitals or their mouth. This could be a sign of infection and can increase the risk of transmitting an STI. When it comes to penetrative sex – defined as the insertion of a body part or toy – inside someone’s vagina, anus, or hole it’s important to note that whilst all involved share some risk, typically, the greater risk applies to the person being inserted – known as the bottom. With the introduction of PrEP, a daily pill taken to prevent HIV there has been a marked increase of other STI’s including chlamydia. It’s important to consider the risk – Yes, PrEP will prevent you from contracting HIV, but it will not prevent the transmission of other STI’s and for a complete spectrum of protection a range of preventative measures can be considered which include the use of Prep and the use of a barrier such as a condom.

Male Condoms (Also outside condoms)

Many young men will be surprised to find that there are a range of diferent sized condoms. That’s certainly not something that they discuss at school. So many young men experience their first condom and they’ll find that it might simply fall off, or be so tight that they can’t feel anything. We have other guides here that will tell you how to correctly fit a condom, but suffice to say if it doesn’t fit right – rest assured that they will make a condom for you. On that note – only wear a single condom at a time, and change it with each sexual activity. If you’re wearing it from oral, to insertion and back to oral – you’ll be wanting to change the condom. You can even use condoms over toys! Say for example you’re both into bottoming and you have the perfect dildo – wrap the dildo shaft in a condom, and then before you use it in someone else, change the condom! Simple. It should be noted that in an ideal situation – you’ll want to be cleaning it as well, just in case.
An important thing to note – it doesn’t matter whether your straight, gay, bisexual (or any other sexuality) nor does it matter if you are male, female, transgender (or any other gender) – there is no sexuality or gender that places you more at risk for STI and other infections. It is the activities that you do, and how risky the sexual behaviour is. There is a very big difference betwen giving someone a handjob, to having regular sex with a monogamous sexual partner, to engaging with bareback sex in the park with recently met men. At the end of the day, you are in control of your body and you choose how much risk to place yourself in. The best preventative care that you can take is understanding your self and your body and to make sure that you and your sexual partners are getting tested. But how do you check in with your sexual partners current health status?
You’re hot, you’re horny and you’ve got a dick as hard as a rock – do you realy need to ask them about their tests? Ideally yes. It can be a quick check in before you meet up with them where you say along the lines of – i was tested two weeks and i came back negative for STI’s, when was your last check? If it’s a regular partner and you’d like to check in with them it can be a little trickier to bring up without making it awkward, but you could approach it like this. Hey, i noticed it’s been a while since i was tested – was wondering if you’d like to come down with me and get tested together? This enforces the idea that you are being responsible and allows them to reveal they were recently tested, or that they’d love to go get tested together.

Every person regardless of sexual identity or orientation deserves the best information that they can get and whilst this doesn’t cover everything it certainly gives you the tool set to begin practicing self-care and taking responsibility for your body.

Sex And Gender Distinctions!

Gender assignment

Let’s talk gender. I know there has been a lot of discussions recently in the media regarding: sex, gender, gender-fluid, transgender and it has left a lot of people feeling confused. It’s okay to be confused let’s break down this busy term. What makes terminology so problematic is that sometimes the context or meaning changes. As culture shifts and changes, this changes our language, both the denotation and connotation meanings of words.

Basic Sex Ed

Just a quick biology lesson on human genetics, men and women both possess a total of 46 chromosomes, as well as 2 sex chromosomes. Men have 1 X and 1 Y chromosome whereas women have 2 X chromosomes. This slight difference causes massive changes within the body’s development and the primary sex characteristics which then develop. This matter still isn’t black and white, some people are born with extra chromosomes, for example, intersex people have sexual characteristics of both sexes.

Gender and Sex Are Different Things

If you think of the people who struggle with understanding of: gender-fluid, non-binary and transgender people – it’s almost always older people. Ah, baby boomers, blaming everyone else except themselves for the worlds problems. This belief stems from a time when gender was once synonymous with a person’s biological sex; which was a binary distinction to define whether someone was male or female. This has since been disputed with sex being your biological sex or genital assignment at birth. Okay, so is everyone with me? Sex is biological when you’re born with either male sex organs or female sex organs will define your sex.

Biological Genders
Sexual Distinctions

Here Comes the Complex Part

Now, gender refers to a socially constructed systems or characteristics between femininity and masculinity, these classifications are subjective and vary depending on cultural aspects. I know that was a lot of fancy words, but bear with me. To put it simply, when you imagine an Australian man, you probably picture football shorts, beer, work boots etc. These things are associated with our version of masculinity because our society states that these features are masculine things. However, what defines sex and gender does depend on cultural aspects, what defines a man in one culture will not be universal to all cultures. What defines being a man in Australia is vastly different to what defines a man in Peru.

We Teach Gender to Children

As sex and gender are too often lumped together, many people believing that your birth sex determines your gender and the characteristics associated with that particular gender. This is not hard-wired into men and women but rather taught to us from birth, baby girls receive pink clothes and baby dolls whilst boys are given blue outfits and monster trucks. From a young age boys are taught that expressing emotions, playing with girls’ toys or playing dress ups is a feminine quality and the male child is shamed out of this behaviour.

People NEED Labels

Experts have stated that “Gender is now one of the busiest, most restless terms in the English language, a word that crops up everywhere, yet whose uses seem to be forever changing, always on the move, producing new and often surprising inflections of meaning.” Humans have long feared the unknown, too often people are more comfortable with ideologies that we can label and categorise. A woman who dresses in masculine clothes and has masculine behaviours but still presents as a woman leaves people feeling confused because she breaks her normative alignment of her assumed gender or rather what is expected of her in society that person must make a choice to fall back into their gender alignment for people to accept them or continuously break this alignment and be treated differently by society. Basically, this is when people would question her gender and her sexuality, calling her a dyke would justify this behaviour and allow others to feel more comfortable because there is a reason for her behaviour.

Does Gender Really Matter

The term gender is problematic because it is hard to draw distinctions between the various genders. A researcher by the name Bradley stated that “…gender is more than a fixed label for individuals…”

Glover and Kaplan also assert that society is fixated on gender roles, gender gaps and gender bias agendas but not so much on what gender is to the individual. The truth is that the term is so subjective and ambiguous, it is able to morph to fit anyone’s desire, beliefs, sexual preferences [or lack thereof] and this is what causes the term to be busy. There is a reason many people struggle to understand gender as a concept because it a complex one at that. To study, gender is fascinating – however, it’s when people who disagree with the various genders concepts use this as a reason to bully and harass someone. At the end of the day everyone should be less concerned with what sex organs someone has and rather the person that they are on the inside.

I’m A Straight Guy Who Is Gay Curious!

Am I a top or a bottom?

Question submitted online

Look, I’ll start this off by saying I’m a straight male and I have a girlfriend. But I really wanna know stuff about gay sex. I’ve asked my friends who’s the top and the bottom cos I’m trying to wrap my head around the whole idea you know, but they kind of just laugh the question off and move on. What’s the deal?”

Answer

I would like to thank you for your question. In answering your question I’d like to point out some of the hesitation as to why people may or may not answer such questions. Outside of the gay community, and even within the gay community – there are numerous stereotypes of bottoms and tops that are harmful to queer identifying people. The idea that there must be a woman and a man within queer relationships doesn’t quite paint a full picture of the relationship and it can be reductive to the idea of two consensual loving and mutually supportive partners. Let’s begin by breaking down the idea of anal sex. Gay men that engage in anal play (remembering that there are significant portions of gay men that do not like anal play and prefer oral stimulation and mutual masturbation) are typically delegated to a dominant and submissive role that allegedly aligns with their sexual role. For example, a man that loves cock up his ass is generally considered to be submissive. This is incorrect. A dominant or submissive personality is in no way related to their sexual preferences within the bedroom.

What's the difference between top and bottom sex
Image: Top and bottom sex

Part of this stigma lies within the perception of the act of intercourse itself and then by comparing that to PiV sex (Penis in Vagina). The penis is an active participant in sex, with the vagina being the receptive participant. The dick penetrates the vagina for pleasure with the dick (masculinity) being active and the vagina (femineity) being passive. Through this understanding of sex, many people automatically assume that one that is penetrated is feminine and that they’re submissive, because it directly relates to their understanding of what they’ve been brought up with when it comes to traditional heterosexual relationships, and sexual intercourse. Thus the idea of labelling one as a top or bottom automatically translates to the idea that there is a male and female within a gay relationship. This is inaccurate, as the fact is, simply put, that there are two (fe)males within a relationship who provide each other with mutual love, support and understanding. As with any relationship this support ebbs and flows based on whatever is going on within their lives, and social power naturally shifts between them over time.

Whilst there are certainly individuals out there who refuse to bottom, or who refuse to top – much of that ideal is surrounded by the idea of shame, embarrassment, or even guilt. Bottoms have traditionally been seen as sub-par within their own community, and to people that identify as heterosexual/heteroflexible. Bottoms take it up the ass, they are often depicted as feminine individuals, men who want to be women, or even considered to be subservient. Combine this with the idea of homophobia and the common insults hurled at gay men and you’ll begin to see why the idea of taking it up the ass might be considered to be negative. There’s shame, there’s hurt, there’s guilt and there’s often embarrassment with taking on a label – which is why many men will only reveal their preferences to someone that they’re in a relationship with, or who they intend to fuck.

Such ideals of restricting a queer couple to a top or bottom role are incorrect and is generally based within a culturally, social sexist understanding of heterosexual relationships – a male and a female in a relationship is usually generalised as the male being dominant and the female being submissive. Any deviation from that is often cast within a negative light. ‘Oh you’re pussy whipped’, ‘She’s the man of the relationship’. Such phrases and utterances directly relate to, and rely on, the perceived differences between a male and a female where the insult is relies on the direct comparison to that of the opposite sex.

Bottoms, or people with a preference to bottoming are simply people who enjoy anal pleasure. They can have submissive personalities, they can be dominant, they can be masculine, they can be feminine and they can be everything and everyone in between. The fact is that the stimulation of the prostate is one of the most sensational kinds of orgasms that a male can experience, and some men are even completely capable of experiencing an orgasm and ejaculation through prostate stimulation without even touching their own dick. As we begin to approach sex with the idea of pleasure in mind, many straight identifying men are slowly realising that anal sex isn’t gay sex (Remember to always practice safe sex and use a condom). The stimulation of the prostate by their girlfriends, their wives, or their fuck buddy doesn’t make them gay. In order to break down this dichotomy it is important to rethink traditional values associated with heterosexual relationships and to refocus on a sex positive idea that any normal relationship will naturally ebb and flow with power between individuals as they traverse through life.

In conclusion

To answer your question would be complex, as well as reductive and could be perceived, by some couples, as an insulting question despite it clearly being driven by curiosity. However let’s flip that around and ask the following question. If they turned around and asked you whether your girlfriend takes charge in the bedroom, whether she ties you up and absolutely dominates you – would you be willing to answer this as their curious eyes bore into your soul? If the answer is no, then it might be attributed to the perception of losing some of your masculinity, and therefore you might consciously or unconsciously feel that the perception of your identity might change. Whilst it’s absolutely essential to talk about sex, talk about how we do it, and talk about gender in the bedroom – sometimes with questions like this as to the specific roles of men within the bedroom, it might be best to simply remain curious.

If there’s anything else that I can assist you with, or you have any questions pertaining to gay sex, anything contained within this article, please do not hesitate to ask as I’d be more than happy to clarify.

Hope this helps!

The Gay Sex Talk Everyone Needs To Hear

Education for LGBT

I know a bit about sex these days, but that’s primarily because I work within the sex Industry. I do talks with queer youth, I’ve worked in adult stores, and a lot of my academic research and writings centred on gender studies, sex and sexuality and the social sciences before I continued on with my teaching degree. One thing that keeps popping up though is the sex talk. The sex talk is something that a lot of people take for granted – at some stage, many parents sit down with their kids and they fumble their way through the birds and the bees story.

Let’s strip that back for a moment – how on earth does a heterosexual parent have the sex talk with their LGBTQ+ kids?

A mother would have no clue what sex is like for men, let alone gay men, so how would a parent communicate this idea of sex with their queer children? Consider this – a queer child might already feel isolated and alone as a result of their heteronormative family unit and peers, so where are they going to turn to for the information that they so desperately need? Queer children, when it comes to sexual education, are often left to fend for themselves, instead turning to LGBT friendly pornography, peers, and youth support networks for their information – and that’s assuming that they have access to these networks, and are willing to access these networks without fear of being persecuted or outed.

LGBT sex education
Image: Inclusive Sex Ed

We know that the mechanics of sex are completely different for LGBTQ people in so many ways, same sex intimate encounters aren’t for the purpose of reproduction. It’s about the experience and enjoyment of pleasure, not to mention the release of all that sexual frustration. With this in mind, queer youth are so unprepared for their first sexual encounter. I remember my own first sexual encounter with another man, and it was and still is one of the most awkward encounters of my life. I barely knew what I was doing, and I was so damn nervous that it was an absolute struggle keeping it up. I merely repeated exactly what he did to me, and what I’d seen in porn.

Going up to my mother and asking how I give a blowjob was completely and utterly out of the question. Asking my mother about how to have anal sex was a thought so incomprehensible that I don’t think that it ever crossed my mind. Thankfully, I’d received enough of a sexual education that I knew condoms were vital, and I vaguely knew how STIs could be contracted, but how to deal with the pain of having a cock shoved up my ass, or how to make sure that my partner was feeling good as I thrusted back and forth like a rabbit concerned only with the feelings that it was giving me? Not a fucking clue.

We can’t deny that out heterosexual counterparts do receive some of their sexual education from their families. We’ve all heard that story of that friend who received sex tips from their grandmother on how to make sure that their man is happy. Sure, this kind of stuff is often outdated, and focuses on how to keep him interested (as if your personality, and charisma just isn’t enough) but there are some families that talk about sex, and sex tips afterall sex education is very important.

The queer sex talk is just as important as the sex talk with your kids

It’s not just about ensuring that they have the information, but from a parent’s perspective it’s about ensuring that your child doesn’t feel alone and that they’re getting supportive information. So, before you take a proactive and sex positive approach and go running off to your child to talk about all the different kinds of sex in the world that there is, take a step back, and breathe. You don’t need to know tips on how to give a blow job, or cunnlingus pointers, but you do need to know how to keep your child safe, and that’s separate to the idea that they may not even have come out yet.

Firstly, they may or may not be even gay/lesbian/queer. It’s important not to overthink what’s considered to be the ‘early signs’ of a child’s development. So, your son likes to walk around in heels and your daughter wants to be a truck driver? Not only are these incredibly stereotypical, but we need to let kids be kids and for that, a parent needs to wait until the child is comfortable enough to bring it up on their own terms. You can absolutely make sure that your language is inclusive, and that there does exist queer relationships and different kinds of families, but your child needs to work through their feelings, and begin to understand them before they can start talking about them and that’s where supportive words about LGBTQ people and causes can go a long way towards inclusivity, and ensuring that they’re brought up in a supportive environment. Regardless of whether they’re queer or not, it’s a great habit to be in.

So what do you do if your child does come out as queer?

Firstly, support them, let them know that they’re still amazing people and that they’re loved. Secondly, get the help and resources that you need by reaching out for support if you need it yourself. These two steps are very important especially when there are many challenges when people come out as queer.

As for the mechanics? Just don’t do it.

All you’ll need to do is to take out the baby making process for your sex talk, discuss safer sex and protection in a gender inclusive way and point them in the right direction.

Author: Stephen is a consultant from Oh Zone Adult Lifestyle Centres