What Is Right Vs Who Is Right!

What is right versus who is right? Well, I guess from the outset it would be something that is morally acceptable and justified.   A thing that is fair and equitable, sticking to the community standards or legal principles, honourable and virtuous.

From the most basic standpoint, it allows dignity, fairness, equality, respect and independence to everyone.  It allows different points of view to heard and followed without discrimination on the basis of sex, gender, political view-point, religion, disability, employment.  Or other lifestyle choice as long as that choice does not impact negatively upon others.

The difficulty when determining what is right is however often subjective to an individual as what is right for one person may be absolutely wrong for another.  The absolute moral truth for one may be the immoral wrong for another.  So what happens when different view points and/or lifestyle choices conflict with another’s.

What is Then Right?

Perhaps a good way to define what is right in moral terms is that which tends to maximize human happiness.  Wrong as that which tends to maximize human misery.  There is no absolute moral truth because morality depends on values.  And of course even the most well-meaning of people do not necessarily value the same things, to the same degrees.

You are in a debate with someone about what is right

Think about the following points.

• The search for what is right is rooted in the discovery of facts, details, and a set of guiding principles.
• When somebody is making a case for what is right it will be inquisitive, curious.  And considerate of multiple ideas from multiple vantage points that will shape the ultimate decision.
• Someone who is focused on what is right does not take things personally. Because they know it is simply the integrity of the ideas and facts that are being explored.   That if their personal ideas don’t end up being accepted it is not a strike against them.
• Someone who is focused on what is right will always consider the decision from a long-term perspective of how it will affect others.
• When there is an exploration for what is right you will have peace, partnership, and simply an objective search for truth.

So Who Is Right?

To determine who is right automatically causes conflict as if someone is right, then on the opposite side, someone will be wrong.

Wanting to be right in most instances will be the beginning of disagreement.  Although one would like to think that may lead to healthy debate.  More often than not will become heated and force one or both participants into ‘battle’ to thrash out why they are right.

Disagreements over facts are easily determined

Checking a resource will in a timely manner resolve who is right.

But what happens when it is a difference of opinion or morality ingrained from a persons upbringing or religious, political or personal assessment?

There is no source of information.  Disagreement becomes broader and there is no objectivity.  Simply both parties wanting their view-point to be right. This battle will continue until one will win.  Either by the better argument of by puffing themselves up, raising the bar by yelling, calling expletives of bulldozing.

Eventually, one party will back down and the victor will think to themselves, ‘I am right’ or ‘I outwitted them’. Often nothing can be further from the truth.

Winning often means failure after

Whether that be a friendship, a relationship even a marriage.  Before entering into the ‘Who Is Right’ merry go round ask yourself is it worth being right?  Will it be better for me to change my standards or view-point?

Many people are often so fixed in their ideas of how something should be that their stance becomes out of proportion to what they risk if they don’t change their stance.

Alternatively, they may not see what they stand to lose by holding onto their standards.

Think about these points next time you are going down the road of who is right

• The search for who is right is typically based in emotion, ego, and propaganda.
• When somebody is making a case for who is right it will sound often like the decision has already been made.
• Someone who is focused on who is right will often get an emotional feeling like their character is being challenged if other people disagree with them.
• Someone who is focused on who is right is typically evaluating a decision through the short term lens of how it will affect them.
• When there is a battle of who is right you will feel engulfed with anxiety, pressure, fear, and aggression.

When Things Go Bad!

Relationships can be a funny thing.  It does not matter how hard or little you work at them they are always evolving.  Love in long term relationships can be really hard to maintain. A struggle for dominance here has an effect there.  The ramifications may not be felt for years as we hang onto our bag of resentments.  Till it gets to a stage where we can no longer close it and out floods pent up angst and emotional overload.

Things sometimes seem to be going alright for one partner and then one day out of the blue, kapow,  a direct hit between the eyes.

How one chooses to deal with this can impact negatively or positively for the rest of your lives.  If it is a long term relationship getting used to the idea of being single could be daunting or it could be liberating depending on which side of the fence you are sitting.  But there is no denying the emotional overflow will have a profound effect on both parties.

We have all heard the words ‘We will keep this civil’

But how often do you hear of a ‘civil’ separation becoming uncivil and full of vitriolic.  Especially when there are kids, property or worse still solicitors involved.

Being fair is relative!

What should you do if you are in this situation?

Offered ‘solutions’ many times seem promising. But a couple has to be ‘on the same page’ and want to stay together.  It may be too late for one party or both to forgive or compromise.  Unresolved pent up resentments are clung onto like a security blanket to ensure that never again will someone be exposed to perceived hurts, despair, unfairness.

To allow trust and forgiveness is a big ask.

38% of couples seeking marriage/couples therapy or counseling will end up in separation or divorce within 4 years of the ‘treatment’.  Still it is a better than 50% chance.   When you consider divorce or separation effects up to 60% of second and third marriages/relationships on would assume there are dark clouds are on the horizon.

It may not be all doom and gloom

As it is reported that only 8% of couples having marital or relationship disharmony at their second and third attempt will actually attend couples therapy.   And the success rate is well over the 50%.

A survey from the BBC found that over 75% of relationships experienced a ‘breaking point’ of relationship disharmony.

Relate is one of the largest marriage counseling agencies. 

They use a mixture of theoretical models to work through their clients’ problems.

Systemic ideas involve getting individuals to see the effects of their behaviour on others – someone who has had an affair, for example, may not see it as the terrible betrayal their partner feels it is.  A second theoretical model is a psychodynamic one that deals more with the unconscious processes people bring to their relationships.

Arguments over who loads the dishwasher may really be baggage from work (you are really fighting with your boss) or a previous relationship. If it sounds Freudian, that’s because – loosely – it is.

The most popular and effective forms of couples therapies in order of their statistical success are

 

1. Gottman Method.
2. Narrative Therapy.
3. Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy.
4. Positive Psychology.
5. Imago Relationship Therapy.
6. Communication Therapy.
7. Exploring Unconscious Past Roots of Problems – Psychoanalysis Therapy.

“Love is not a contract between two narcissists. It’s more than that. It’s a construction that compels the participants to go beyond narcissism. In order that love lasts one has to reinvent oneself.” – French Philosopher Alain Badiou

For successful couples therapy empathy and respect for the other must be shown or it is doomed for failure.

7 tips psychologists give for before and whilst entering into therapy

• Use “I statement” feeling terms, but don’t use “you.”
• Count to ten before speaking.
•  Implement the I-Thou.
• Practice active listening.
• Connect physically.
• Meet on a bridge/halfway.
• Engage in daily empathy actions.

And of course the number one killer of relationships is resentments.

Methods to keep them in check are

When It’s DONE!

So you have tried everything you can do to reignite that spark in your relationship.  Individual counselling, couples therapy and everything between but it is done.  Although one or both of you may still love each other you cannot live with each other.

Now is the time to act before cohabitation sours the perspective and you grow to hate the sight of your now ex.

When there are kids involved, property, businesses this may seem difficult – especially as for most the family home is the most valuable asset that you both own.

If you have kids here is the time to suck it up sweetheart and do what is best for the kids.

First and foremost do not argue or discuss controversial matters in front of the kids.  If you seem like you are heading for an argument one or both of you have the will-power to walk away and raise the issue at a later time when it is just the two of you.

Just because the two of you no longer want to live with each other it does not mean that you should impact or effect others negatively – especially your treasured children that will love you both and do not want to pick sides.  They will probably hurt more than you in the separation and it will not take much for them to blame themselves for the break-up.

Affirm to them that they are not the problem and each of you love them equally.

So who moves out? 

Decades ago it was generally the man whilst the woman was left to be the primary caregiver for the children.  Maintenance would be paid by the father who would get visitation rights and some portions of school holidays.

These days men want to be more a part of their children’s up-bringing, development and more and more co-parenting arrangements are made on a 50/50 basis.  Statistically – as long as there is no abuse or history of it – these children will grow up to be more grounded without feeling torn between their loyalty to either parent.

So what do you do when you are in this situation?  It is not for everybody and can only be done if both parents agree and there is no active animosity openly display.  It is the concept of

Bird Nest Custody

In bird’s nest custody the aim is to minimize the disruption in the affected children’s lives and is where the parents share equally the family home.  Until it is sold or other arrangements are made.

The ‘birds nest’ has to be accommodation that is close to the home.  Only if the custody agreement in this interim stage is agreed to be joint or pretty close to that.

This arrangement stops children being traumatized

By leaving their home to ‘visit’ a parent. It will also allow the children to grow accustomed to each parent living separate lives.

The accommodation either can be 2 cheap studio apartments local or a 2 bedroom apartment where each parent has their bedroom on the week it is not their turn to live in the home.  This makes it more economically viable than the expense of renting and decking out a whole new home and having two full household expenses.

Most people are not thrilled to live in two different places

So this is an interim set-up until the family home is sold or otherwise disposed of and other arrangements are set.   If either party wish to start dating it may be difficult for a ‘birds nest’ arrangement to stay in place.  For it to work both parents have to be committed and be able to co-operate well.

Once you have agreed that this is the best solution for the children you must set the schedule of week on and week off.  The changeover should be whilst the kids are at school so there is no impact or distress.

Bills should be shared equally

Unless one requires extra amenities for example premium cable, gym hire or other things the other person will not use.  Agreements on housekeeping – what day the house (and birds nest) will be cleaned – what individual duties like cleaning the veranda, windows, shopping etc are allocated.

Perhaps sharing the expense  hiring a cleaner once a week the day before changeover is the most convenient and stress free option.

This is an interim arrangement so the house should be sold and division of proceeds of that sale agreed upon.  Whilst working through this other divisions such as business, car, super etc can also be discussed and finalized by an attorney.

The apartment also should be discussed.

Will both parties be okay sharing towels, dishes – the more detail the less chance there is that there will be an issue later down the track.

Most importantly both have to sit down and devise a parenting plan/agreement.  This also will be an interim document that can then be made into orders at you Family Court.

Parenting plan should detail

• Regular Visitation and Custody Schedule
• Holiday and Vacation Schedule
• Special Circumstance – especially important when one of the children has a health condition
• Outline Who The Children Are Allowed To Stay With – taking into consideration first right of refusal
• Changeover Guidelines – with nesting arrangement it is best during school but must take into consideration school holidays and special circumstances
• Activities – Both what are acceptable activities and which parent will take them
• Special Events – In a co-parenting agreement it would be assumed that both parents have the best interests of the children so both may attend
• Communication – Times to call the parent whilst nesting.  Also for one parent to inform the other about punishments or rewards.
• Pick Up and Drop Offs – coordinating a schedule that both can follow on their week ons (and to assist in week offs)
• Expenses – Such as clothing, sporting etc that are required for the children and how they will be shared
• Lifestyle Choices – To include communication between parents for important decisions that will be made for the positive development of the children
• House Rules – Agree on rules for the children.  Curfews, supervision, consequences that both parents will adhere to

Putting all this down in writing and when agreed sign it.

This can then be filed with the court and made into orders.  The more information in the parenting plan the easier it will be to avoid future issues.  Provision must be made for amendments to the plan, especially as circumstances will change.

It is a big decision and not a walk in the park.  But if the parents can work together fairly ‘bird nesting’ arrangements certainly are the best for the children.