When Intelligent Women Attract The Wrong Men

When intelligent women attract the wrong men.

I am an empath,

empath

ˈɛmpaθ/

noun

(chiefly in science fiction) a person with the paranormal ability to perceive the mental or emotional state of another individual.

And I am extremely good at attracting narcissists.

narcissist

ˈnɑːsɪsɪst/

noun

noun: narcissist; plural noun: narcissists

a person who has an excessive interest in or admiration of themselves.

“narcissists who think the world revolves around them”

Why Intelligent Women Attract the Wrong Men

When we are in the thick of a relationship we tend to wear rose coloured glasses as so to speak. And a lot of the time we don’t realise we are with a narcissist until the end when it’s already too late.  Have a read of this open letter from a narcissist as it might help.

Contrary to popular belief weak women do not attract narcissists, an empath will.

What is an Empath?

An empath is a healer as such. They have the ability to sense and absorb other people’s pain and take it as their own.  If an empath does not know how to protect themselves and set boundaries, they will very easily and quickly bond with a narcissist in order to fix any damage or pain they have felt in their life.

This dynamic will confuse an empath. And most likely weaken their views as if they do not have complete understanding of their own or others peoples agendas and capabilities. They won’t realise that not everyone is like them.

That saying “put yourself in someone else’s shoes” isn’t hard for an empath at all because that’s what they do. They take the experiences, feelings, thoughts and emotions from others and feel those themselves.

But they forget that other people have a very different agenda. And not everyone has sincere values like them.

It is imperative that a narcissist is manipulative

They need to be in a position whereby they can rise above others and be in control. Whereas an empath is in a position to love, heal and care. There is no balance and it is extremely unlikely there ever will be no matter how much you try.

A narcissist will become more powerful the more love and care an empath gives.

This type of connection is difficult to see. We feel as though we are trapped and trying to decipher some code or riddle in order to understand

But in fact it’s not that hard.

Detangling ourselves from the web that the narcissist has created can be emotionally exhausting. It can be very difficult to actually see what is happening. We often try to lay blame, on ourselves, on them, on us, the people around us, the circumstances, the timing of the relationship and the truth.

Red flags are never visible. We are in an almost “drunk” state or like we are wearing rose coloured glasses.

But when we are ready to actually see the truth it all becomes a lot clearer.

An emotional exchange takes place when a narcissist takes control of an empath. A narcissist is seeking admiration and validation. They have a constant need for their ego to be stroked. In return they will provide whatever the other person is lacking.

This is only on the surface though.  It always comes with conditions that their needs always need to be a priority, regardless of the effects it has on anyone else.

At the start it feels like a fairy-tale

As though your once upon a time has truly started and you have finally met your prince charming. But when clarity finally hits you realise it was all just a dream, you feel shell-shocked and bewildered.

You scramble to understand what drew you to that person and how you got sucked in (again). Become puzzled and look back onto tiny clues trying hard to work out what kind of insanity caused you to miss all the signs. As to why you didn’t walk away at the start.

Unfortunately trying to talk to and understand why a narcissist treated you the way they did is almost impossible.  They refuse to show anyone their hand due to the fear of being exposed, and removing their mythical mask of deceit and power.

Studies On Narcissists About Marital Satisfaction And Sexual Performance

McNulty and Widman did a study on marital satisfaction.  They confirmed all of the observations about narcissists. Both the negatives about communication and intimacy and the positives pertaining to sexual skill.

In the sexual domain, the narcissistic traits that are activated are entitlement, exploitation, and an inflated sense of skill.  On a physical level what is also interesting is that sexually narcissists are very mixed. Empathy is a huge part of sex for a good sexual experience and passionate connection.

Narcissists tend to be sexually aggressive and have little to no open communication. There is also a tendency for infidelity.

Narcissists have a seductive power

They use emotional confusion to mask the selfishness they have.  Narcissists like sex, and they are very focused on how good they are. Their traits of entitlement flow into their sexual life as well. Because they tend to be so focused on themselves they have no empathy for their partner or consequences for their infidelity only for their sexual gain.

A second study by these authors, uncovered that it was sexual narcissism, not general narcissism, which predicted infidelity.

It’s been estimated that 25 percent of married men and 20 percent of married women cheat. So obviously all cheaters aren’t narcissists. McNulty and Widman found that a sense of sexual entitlement, pride in sexual skills, and a lack of sexual empathy for the partner were connected to infidelity.

Learn From The Relationship With A Narcissist

Best way to learn is from the relationship so we do not repeat it again, we should try not to focus on the narcissist but ourselves.

We need to focus on what attracted us to the relationship in the first place so we can take accountability for our own role.  Signs aren’t clear when you are in the thick of the relationship. You can only look back and see the signs after and realise where you went wrong and how it built up over time.

What we have to remember is that we chose to enter into this relationships it wasn’t forced upon us.  Narcissists are clever and manipulative and we fed into that.

All we can do is learn from our mistakes and move on; hopefully to grow stronger and smarter.

The Co-dependent Relationship

When we meet a narcissist we tend to project our needs and wants onto them without realising.  It is mutually beneficial at the start because what we want the narcissist delivers and in return the narcissist has control.

This is called co-dependency.  We place our happiness, hopes and dreams in to the hands of a narcissist and then they are free to control your feelings to do as they please.

What we find is that because a narcissist is selfish they mix their wants and needs into the mix and unfortunately they clash. There is a constant balancing act where when things are rocky the narcissist will bring out their charm again until all is forgiven and back on track.  Then the vicious cycle begins again.

This is until either you bring out your inner strength and realise what is going on. Or the narcissist drains all they can drain and renders us useless and moves on.

How Empaths Can Become Stronger

If we focus on ourselves. Provide ourselves with enough love, self-worth, independence and happiness.  We will hopefully stop looking for others to provide those emotions for us.

This will mean that we will not be looking for someone else to keep us fulfilled and alive. Hopefully they will only give us a quick sense of nourishment before we realise their true nature. When we are hungry we will accept less and are weak.  Then weakened further if we are strong we will see the signs and move on.

Stay strong.

Morgan x

Top Hallmark Warning Signs Of Co-dependency

Continuing on from my last blog about “when intelligent women attract the wrong men” there is also the tangent of co-dependency. Co-dependency knows no boundaries.  It isn’t defined by a person’s social status, sexual preference, skin colour, age, race, hair colour, gender, height, weight or even shoe size.  A free for all, anyone can be affected by it.

What is co-dependency?

Co-dependency is defined by Mental Health America as

“An emotional and behavioural condition that affects an individual’s ability to have a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship. It is also known as “relationship addiction” because people with co-dependency often form or maintain relationships that are one-sided, emotionally destructive and/or abusive.”

Psychology Today defines relationship co-dependency as

“A specific type of dysfunctional helping relationship. Broadly speaking, in dysfunctional helping relationships, one person helps support (enables) the others underachievement, irresponsibility, immaturity, addiction, procrastination, poor mental health or physical health.“

Co-dependency has such a broad spectrum of definitions that culling it down to specifically looking at “relationship co-dependency” gives a more targeted approach.

Characteristics of co-dependent people include the following

• An exaggerated sense of responsibility for the actions of others.
• A tendency to confuse love and pity, with the tendency to “love” people they can pity and rescue.
• Tendency to do more than share, all of the time.
• A tendency to become hurt when people don’t recognise their efforts.
• An unhealthy dependence on relationships. The co-dependent will do anything to hold on to a relationship to avoid the feeling of abandonment.
• Extreme need for approval and recognition.
• A sense of guilt when asserting themselves.
• Compelling need to control others.
• Lack of trust in self and/or others.
• Fear of being abandoned or alone.
• Difficulty identifying feelings.
• Rigidity and difficulty adjusting to change.
• Problems with intimacy and healthy boundaries.
• Chronic anger.
• Lying and dishonesty.
• Poor communication skills.
• Difficulty making decisions.

How do co-dependent people behave?

Low self-esteem is a major trait of a co-dependent person. They look for anything outside themselves to make them feel better.  Find it incredibly difficult to be themselves. Often end up turning to drugs, alcohol or nicotine to feel better.

More times than not they become addicted like they do with a co-dependent relationship. Others develop compulsive behaviours such as gambling, indiscriminate sexual activity and workaholism.

Good intentions are there

Trying to look after someone who is experiencing difficulties isn’t a bad thing. What is bad is when it becomes compulsive and defeating when they become benefactors to an individual’s needs.

Examples include; a wife may cover for her alcoholic husband.  A mother may make excuses for an absentee child. Or a father who may “pull strings” to keep his children from suffering consequences for their actions by involving themselves in criminal behaviour.

A problem is when a destructive course begins to cycle as repeated attempts allow the needy individual to continue.

They become more dependent on their unhealthy caretaking role as the benefactor.

This increases as the co-dependent develops a sense of achievement and satisfaction for being needed. Thus turning it into a compulsive, choice less and helpless behaviour within the relationship dynamic. They are unable to break away from this vicious and consuming cycle. And they view themselves as victims and are attracted to the same weakness in the love and friendship of relationships.

Differences between co-dependence and dependence

It is very important to know the difference between the two. One is a positive and desirable trait whilst the other is harmful.

Dependent

Both people will rely on each other for support and love.  Both find value in the relationship.  They also both make their relationship a priority while still having interests, hobbies and friends outside the relationship.

Expressing emotions and needs is done in a way where it benefits both parties.

Co-dependent

Feeling worthless unless they are needed by the other person is a normal trait for a co-dependent.  As well as making drastic sacrifices for the enabler.

Satisfaction is only gained from the enabler.  This is achieved by getting their every need met by the other person.  Only time the co-dependent is happy is when they are making extreme sacrifices for their partner. In order to feel purpose they need to be needed by their partner.  All of their interests and values are controlled by their partner’s interests and values, in turn they have no personal identity.

They feel their own needs and desires are not important.  And will not express them, they have a difficult time understanding their own feelings or needs.

On the flip side an enabler also has a dysfunctional role

They are a person who relies upon a co-dependent and does not know how to have an equal. Instead they involve themselves into a two-sided relationship and rely on the other person’s sacrifices and neediness.

Identifying signs of co-dependency

Mental Health America has a questionnaire to identify signs of co-dependency.

There are different degrees and intensity levels of the symptoms and they range in a spectrum of severity. Please note that only a qualified professional can make a diagnosis of co-dependency. But if any of these symptoms are of concern to you please don’t hesitate to contact your doctor.

Things to Look Out For

• Do you keep quiet to avoid arguments?
• Are you always worried about other people’s opinions of you?
• Have you ever lived with someone with an alcohol or drug problem?
• Ever lived with someone who hits or belittles you?
• Are the opinions of other people more important than your own?
• Do you have difficulty adjusting to changes at work or home?
• You feel rejected when your significant other spends time with friends?
• Do you doubt your ability to be who you want to be?
• Are you uncomfortable expressing your true feelings to others?
• Have you ever felt inadequate?
• Do you feel like a “bad person” when you make a mistake?
• Have difficulty taking compliments or gifts?
• Do you feel humiliation when your child or spouse makes a mistake?
• You think people in your life would go downhill without your constant efforts?
• Do you frequently wish someone could help you get things done?
• You have difficulty talking to people in authority, such as the police or your boss?
• Are you confused about who you are or where you are going with your life?
• Do you have trouble saying “no” when asked for help?
• You have trouble asking for help?
• Do you have so many things going at once that you can’t do justice to any of them?