Traumatic Pain From A Loving Touch

It’s not as easy as you thought.  Opening up isn’t as easy as some make it out to be, and often there will be traumatic pain from a loving touch.  One insignificant moment that will make you pause and realise you can’t let go, worst part is you thought you were fine; you thought you were ready to let someone in again.

Truth is you’re not. You feel abandoned; but yet you don’t want to be touched by anyone – arm’s length distance is your type of intimacy.

It only takes one small insignificant event to cause your walls to be extra bullet proof. It’s not even something most people would flinch at, but to you it throws up all the warning signs and red flags one could possibly think of.

But unlike the other times, this time you listen to your gut.

A Mind’s natural instinct that protects a person from experiencing future trauma.

Those who have experienced trauma in any form know the extent of cruelty humans are capable of. Your mind is a powerful tool and sometimes it’s a little too powerful because it will try to protect you from future cruelty and assumes all people are dangerous.  Thus shying you away from emotional intimacy and avoiding vulnerability.

Mental Pain From a Loving Touch

Confronting intimacy issues with your partner

It’s not always easy to tell future partners that you’re not big on touching and affection.  Mostly they either think it’s a joke or don’t fully understand what you mean. I mean you can always avoid telling them and just constantly make up excuses as to why you won’t stand near them, and won’t let them touch you for too long or often.

Eventually you need to be upfront with them and yourself about your intimacy issues.  You need to tell them that “Hey, it’s kind of a big deal for me.”

You need to respect yourself and not be in denial about how physical contact makes you feel.

It takes all kinds of people to make this wild world go round

Does not mean you’re weird or not normal.  If you’re not big on constant touching, affection, hand holding in public, etc.  Society has this stigma that unless we show public displays of affection (PDA) and we constantly want to be all over our loved ones, we do not love them.

I completely understand that being told “not to touch” your loved one is hard and pretty confusing, I mean you love that person and if they can’t touch you how is the relationship going to work?

It’s hard to read someone to know if it’s ok to touch or not.

A daily struggle for those who are in a relationship with someone who does not like to be touched.

I tried… I tried for so long to be ok with people touching me. From light touching, from just a hug hello or a kiss on the check bye. The usual forms of light touching perceived by society as normal. Which was absolutely insane, not to mention self-destructive and completely un-helpful.

Unfortunately there are so many vary degrees of reasons why people do not like to be touched.  That does not mean they do not like affection or do not want to be intimate. Whatever their particular individual story is, it doesn’t matter. It matters that as a decent human being we need to understand that not everyone is the same and likes the same things.  As humans we have this amazing and unused talent to communicate with one another

Some helpful tips these are some ways I can guide you through dating/ being affectionate with someone who does not like to be touched.

• Acknowledgment

This is a huge one! Because if someone is brave enough to make themselves vulnerable, listen to them! Respect is a huge part of dealing with issues such as these and even If it isn’t something you can understand or relate to you need to be respectful.

No means no and that doesn’t just apply for sexual consent.

• Communication

In this digital age communication has become easier than ever, but for some reason we don’t use it to its fullest ability. There are no hoops of fire to jump through with this one.  All you need to do is ask. If you want some TLC or craving affection from your loved one all you need to do is ask!

It’s that easy, the worst answer you are going to get is a no. But as the relationship grows you soon will be able to pick up on small quirks, moods, and body language.  You won’t have to ask permission as often you will just know.

• Respect

There will always be boundaries.  Basically the easiest thing you can do is to respect them, take them seriously.  The more respect you give the smaller the walls will get regarding to personal space.

• Build trust

Most people in my situation grow with trust, as our partners respect us and understand our boundaries the more we let them in.  The time periods vary.  But the more trust and confidence I have with my partner the more normal our intimate relationship is, and the more soft touch I am able to stand.

After some time when I trust someone wholly my anxiety begins to subside and every touch be it a soft touch or intimate touch doesn’t emotionally drain me anymore.  It more than often becomes something I enjoy and welcome to its fullest capacity but still within those respective boundaries.

Patience is Key!

Normally when I date my rules and boundaries about touching eventually stops applying to my significant other in most situations.

But at the end of the day I am still me.  I am someone who values and is sensitive to personal space.  I know it can be frustrating for others.  But I have learnt that even though it is not normal for most I need to admit I have trust and space issues and at the end of the day my needs come first.

This is a part of being human.  We all have our little quirks, public displays of affection can be emotionally exhausting doesn’t mean I don’t love you.  I just have to realise and be mindful of my limits.  At the end of the day if not holding my hand in public means my partner can cuddle up to me on the lounge at home I know which I would sacrifice.

Pick and Choose your Battles

Don’t ever give up on yourself.  Never feel ashamed and never let anyone make you feel ashamed.  Everyone has boundaries but if your anything like me they are just a little bigger than others.

Sex Can Be Painful

Whilst it’s not something we tend to regularly discuss, experiencing pain during sex is something everyone has felt at some point.

According to my research, studies show that 3/4 of women have previously experienced ‘painful’ or ‘stinging sensations’ during sex.  But continue to push through it without seeking medical advice.  It’s not healthy or wise to continue to have sex when experiencing severe or even slight pain, whether just once or on the regular basis.

Think of the pain as a natural alarm bell telling you that something is happening in your body that needs to be taken care of.

Pain during sex can be caused from a number of things

Like small infections which can be cleared up with home recipes.  Some more persistent and regular occurring pains NEED to be checked out by a doctor and may come with more severe side effects and treatments. It’s important to have regular sexual health examinations.

What can cause pain during sex and how can I fix it?

• Most common of all is having insufficient lubrication

Even though your vagina is a natural self-lubricator, there are instances in which the body is unable to self lubricate, resulting in pain during intercourse. It could be as simple as not being aroused and you’ve jumped the gun or you’ve boozed too much at the bar. Your “minds telling you yes, but your body, your body is telling you noooo” (yes I’m fully aware I switched the words, hahaha).

• Lack of Estrogen

Or, a slightly less known cause, can be a change in your level of hormones, or more precisely a lack of Estrogen.  I recently found out that some contraceptive pills and other birth controls such as the implanon, can cause a lack of Estrogen in the body resulting in Vaginal Dryness.

If you must stay on the contraceptive you are on, you can boost your Estrogen levels by eating things high in Estrogen like dried fruits, chickpeas, beans, peas, bran cereals and even swapping your regular milk for soy milk, just to name a few.

By adding a few of these foods into your diet, you can boost up Estrogen levels to get back to where you need to be. I also found out, as an Asthma and regular hayfever sufferer, that medications to help these things have drying affects to your whole body (including your vagina) to help stop the symptoms.

So as someone with the Implanon, Asthma and Hay fever, what do I do?! Reach for the lubricant. Don’t be afraid to get all slippery with a good tub of lubricant, like AstroGylde, who offer a lubricant specifically for Vaginal Dryness which can help to alleviate the symptoms.

• You’re allergic to something!

While we’re on the topic, you can’t just go to the supermarket and buy the cheapest thing on the shelf. Lubricants are made with different chemicals, which can throw off your vagina’s natural pH balance – those deliciously sweet flavoured lubricants you love could be the reason you keep getting thrush…

So stick to a brand who are SPECIFIC with what ingredients are in their products, like Wicked’s range of flavoured lubricants which have little to no glycerin in all of their products.

The same goes for things like latex condoms. If you feel any sort of irritation after use, try to stick to “natural” based products and see how that fares with your body.

• You’re doing unrealistic positions

Blame the Karma Sutra for introducing you to positions which look like a whole lot of fun but realistically turn into how-the-hell-am-I-supposed-to-get-out-of-this-position-without-breaking-my-entire-body.

Not fun. It’s always good to experiment and deviate from your normal routine, but the Butter Churner (google it) might not be for you.

• You may have an STD/STI/pelvic disease

Yeast Infections suck. UTI’s suck. Pelvic inflammatory disease sucks. Herpes sucks. Nobody wants any of those, so you should do what you can to try and prevent them.

Simple things like washing/urinating after sex can help prevent UTI’s, while things as easy as adding Natural Yogurt into your diet can help prevent yeast infections..

But, know who you’re sleeping with and get tested regularly if you’re not in a monogamous relationship. And WEAR A CONDOM. So if you’re experiencing symptoms such as burning or itching, whether external or internal, go to your doctor and get it checked out! It’s most likely a small infection, but get it checked to be safe!

• Your state of mind

Emotions such as fear, guilt, shame, embarrassment, or awkwardness about having sex may make it hard to relax. When you cannot relax, arousal is difficult, and pain may result. Stress and fatigue can affect your desire to have sex.

So simple things like taking a shower or bath with candles after a long day at work, or giving each other massages are a great way to De -Stress. When you’re in a more relaxed state of mind and not carrying the weight of the days stress on your shoulders you will be able to focus on having fun with your partner and become more interested in having sex than before.

Pain during sex can be caused from a number of different things

And is common among all women. It is SO important to your health that if you’re experiencing any re occurring burning, itching, stinging, or painful sensations in general during sex that you consult with your doctor.

And hey, even if it is just thrush, at least they’ll point you in the right direction at the chemist and get you on the way to that life you took for granted when you had a non itchy vagina!