The Unforgivable!

It’s that talk most couples have early in the relationship to make sure that they don’t do something like The Unforgivable.

“What are your deal breakers?”

Those few traits or issues that arise that under no circumstances will the person be forgiven for what they have done. Although mistakes are human, we all do stupid things and some of those we regret, there are always those key instances that make or break a relationship.

Each of us has our own level of patience. We each have a threshold of forgiveness, and we each have the ability to understand and sympathize.  When does a mistake or accident become unforgivable, though?

Sometimes a momentary relapse in judgement can be fixed, but other times it makes the relationship shaky and it isn’t so easy to repair. Trust is a huge part of a relationship. It’s the difference between forgiving someone and being able to move on or rendering the relationship dead.  It’s defiantly not easy to get that trust back once it has been rocked.

How do you move forward?

How do you know if you should let go or forgive?

And how do you know it’s time to walk away and never look back?

A big factor is how you found out, as much as you feel disrespected, hurt, angry and brokenhearted, not to mention how painful it is to hear the best way is from them. Although they have done something horrible and hurtful, they are remorseful and didn’t want you to find out any other way. It shows some respect on their behalf as they told you, instead of keeping it a secret or waiting for you to find out.

This also means they are aware of what they have done to hurt you and they are sorry for what they have done. Telling you can make the situation easier rather than finding out any other way which can exaggerate the issue.

When someone else tells you something that your significant other has done it often has a range of feeling other than just hurt. You feel embarrassed and wonder who else knows and why were you the last to know?

Feeling like there are a lot more people lying to you, not just your significant other, and this is painful. Your issues become public and more opinions are thrown around about the future of your relationship.

There Are Problems If There Are Trust Issues

Finding out yourself highlights the fact that there is a serious trust issue in the relationship, unless it’s something you find out accidentally (not from snooping). When you are searching for something, or searching for evidence that something has happened, things play out 100 times worse in your head.

You almost always exaggerate the issue, because at the back of your mind, if you’re searching, it already means the trust is gone in your relationship.

The way they react when they tell you or you confront them also says a lot about knowing if you can forgive them or not. It will tell you if they regret what they did, if it was a mistake, if it was calculated, or if they regret you finding out and not the act itself.

If they become defensive, this could be a sign that they refuse to believe that what they did was actually wrong. They may even try to justify why they did it, or turn it around and blame you for their mistake. Often making up many reasons they did it. This turns into a web of lies that they can’t keep track of.

The Unforgivable

This is usually the moment that trying to reason with them becomes heated and hurtful, and you have tried to explain why you are hurt. The parts that have hurt you the most and they are not listening or apologising. Keep it clear, if they are not respecting your feelings and are at least slightly remorseful, you need to leave. This type of damage and treatment you do not deserve.

If your significant other is apologetic and is trying to understand why they hurt you, this mostly like it means they are genuine and what they did really was a mistake. Dig deeper to maybe why this happened and how you both feel, even though you are deeply hurt, knowing they are remorseful does make things easier. It shows they care for you.

The Deal Breakers

These are deal breakers, but then there are also behaviors that, under no circumstances, should they be questioned as unforgivable? Abuse of any kind- including physical, sexual or emotional, addiction–including drug, alcohol, sex, shopping, work, or porn, affairs, poor hygiene, inattention, religious differences.

These hated behaviors that, if your significant other has no intentions or willingness to change, are certainly deal breakers and unforgivable. Some people can tolerate more in a relationship than others can .

This doesn’t mean they accept that behavior. Most of these behaviors are issues for deeper problems and if they are destructive to the relationship, you need to work out if they can be worked on or they are unforgivable.

Recurring Problems

The mistakes itself is also a big deciding factor, was it lying, cheating, a reoccurring problem and the big question do they respect you?

There is a difference between white lies and a lie that is a big deal and hurtful, lies generally become a problem when they impact the security of the relationship. If your partner is lying about what they are doing, who they are with, who they are talking to, or hiding things from you, you need to question what their intentions are.

Especially if lying is becoming a reoccurring issue, patterns of lying only ever get worse or more hurtful.   If the trust is gone, there isn’t much more you can do to fix it again.

Cheating Comes In Different Forms

Cheating can come in so many forms but basically cheating is a touchy subject to most.

Were they thinking of you while they were being unfaithful?   Or did they only think about you finding out?

Most who actively cheat will do it again, especially if you forgive them the first time.  If it truly was a mistake, they will do everything in their power to prove that it was exactly that, a mistake.

A reoccurring problem is one in which happens time and time again, it can be a combination of anything that hurts you or something in which you can’t move beyond in the relationship.

The Unforgivable

Reoccurring problems are deal breakers and are unforgivable because if your significant other is constantly hurting you this means they either do not respect you, or they honestly think this behavior is ok, and if that’s the case you need to get over it or leave.

Respect is massive in a relationship along with trust, it is the foundation of a relationship and partnership. Mistakes can happen, but you need to ask yourself if your significant other respects you enough not to make that mistake again.  Are they able to put you through that pain again and live with their consequences?

You Need To Forgive If The Relationship Is To Work

You need to forgive that person for the relationship to work, but if you cannot do that you need to decide if the relationship is worth fighting for, if that’s the case you need to let go of the hurt and pain and focus on the future.

Only you can decide if something is unforgiveable, but often that’s the hardest part of the decision, walking away or choosing to stay is up to you.

Morgan x

Monogomy Works For Me!

Why monogamy works for me

An age old question is why are so many of us monogamous?, well to be honest, I firmly believe it is not for everyone.
So why does it work for me?

As a young man “playing the field” was just a natural thing to do, yes I had numerous girlfriends where the relationship might last longer than a few days (sometimes a few months actually).  The need to meet or be with someone else just overpowered the desire to be faithful to my current (at the time) partner.

I Got Into Music And A Band

As I grew older, I got involved in playing some music and that scene opened up a completely new scope of girls to me.  These girls were, for the most part, also not looking for a “long-term thing”, rather just to have some fun. I believed for a while that this was exactly what I was after and sure I explored that option for a while (and had fun all the same).

It wasn’t till a year or so (after the band broke up) that I met my current wife. I have to say, I was rather young when I met her, but I was exposed to the “single life” from a rather young age.

Mrs Me (we will call her) and I met at a work function and, to be completely honest, I was immediately drawn to her vibrant personality. After our first meet, we kept in touch via e-mail and a few phone calls for a few weeks.   I soon realised that every passing day I was “needing” to see her again.

At that time we were working for the same company but in 2 different cities and never got to see each other.

Even though I would meet some girls while out and about, I just could not shake this feeling of seeing Mrs Me again, and soon at that. I eventually decided to make arrangements for us to meet.

I called her up, and we decided on a pub. To my surprise, we were actually living in the same city and she was commuting to another city for work.  Thankfully seeing her was going to be easy. As you can imagine, we hit it off in a big way.

Every passing day, my feelings for her just grew, and I had no control over this. We were both young and sex was a HUGE part of our relationship, and the use of “sex toys” were limited to Private play.  It wasn’t till after we actually got married that we started introducing some of these toys into the bedroom together.  Let me tell you, did it change the way we looked at sex.

19 Years And Three Children Later

Fast forward a few years and we have now been together (including married) for 19 years and have 3 beautiful children.  Both of us have met a great number of people that both of us have found interesting or attractive.

I have actually sat back and thought honestly about the idea.  If I met someone that I found so interesting that I would actually pursue a relationship outside of my marriage?

Let me be completely honest here. The answer is a resounding NO,  I had to actually think about why this is, and I think it is rather simple actually.  Everything I could ever want or need I have in my wife. We are still just as spontaneous as we were so many years ago. Still just as attracted to each other as we were back then.

The Attraction is Now Emotional and Mental As Well As Physical

Yes, I believe the attraction might have actually evolved a bit from merely being a physical one.  BUT more of an emotional and mental attraction now, and she still gives me “butterflies” in my stomach from a physical standpoint.

I can’t think that I am in any way the exception to the rule here.  Having met many people who feel the exact same way about their partners.
So what is the secret here?

Trust, spontaneity, respect and freedom to have some fun on your own (be it with your own friends for a night at the pub or for her a girl’s weekend away).  These are very important factors.

Equally important is the sexual relationship with your partner.  Over these years one could become a bit complacent, and even selfish in a way.  DON’T, keep it fresh, don’t be scared or shy about introducing some toys.  There are a great plethora of couples toys or toys for private play on the market.

Doing some research together on the ranges available is a bit of a turn-on.

Keep things light and fun as much as you need to be serious and work on your relationship.  A good balance between these and you should also find monogamy is great.

Thanks Eon!