Miscarriage is a topic that hits home pretty hard, and for me, it was more mental than physical trauma that I struggled with. Sex and intimacy after miscarriage is a pretty controversial topic, it comes with a million different personal beliefs as to what the right way to do it is, as well as the correct time to wait.
Truth is there is no specific time and there is no way to do it, there are guidelines and recommendations but not one rule that fits everyone.
Miscarriage is rough and personal, it’s mentally draining as well as physically, and really unless you go through it you have no idea how you will cope or how you will react.
I will shed some light on my story and maybe a few of you will be able to understand and can benefit from it. October 2016 I fell pregnant, it wasn’t planned but there was nothing stopping it either, four weeks later something felt different, and my monthly period did not arrive. I took a pregnancy test (a clear blue digital) and those words “pregnant” came up on the little digital screen. I was happy, I was hopeful, but I was scared, my partner and I had spoken about this but I knew he wouldn’t be happy. At the age of 24 I did not think I’d have a miscarriage, I had never been pregnant before and honestly I didn’t even know if I was able to fall pregnant. What I did know was that since I was a little girl I definitely wanted children, I always wanted to be a mum.
Breaking the news to him was hard and those words he uttered stuck to me, he wasn’t happy. The weeks went along and other “options” were brought up, these options have never sat right with me and were something I was most definitely was not comfortable with. Finally, I went for a thirteen-week scan, I was excited, he came with me and the time came to finally see my little baby. I laid down the technician put the jelly just above my pelvic line and pressed on with the machine, I waited for him to turn the screen so I could see! He never did… I just kept staring at the ceiling because I knew in that moment something wasn’t right. He walked out of the room and told me he had to go get a doctor, I sat up slightly and looked at my partner, I could tell by his face something wasn’t right. The doctor came in to look at my scans and to take his own, I was then told to come back in an hour, I knew what I was going to be told and I was devastated.
An hour passes and I walked back up alone to the waiting room, a few moments later a doctor and nurse came out to speak to me and handed me my scans. They apologised and the nurse handed me tissues, that moment was raw, that moment crushed me, I was told to go to the doctors straight away because my body had not recognised that I had a miscarriage, well, in this case, a missed miscarriage. The nurse walked down to the car with me and watched me cross the road safely and I sat in the car and just cried, and spoke the words “its dead”. From then on it is a blur, I called my doctor they fitted me in straight away, I was then told to go to emergency, I went to St-George emergency, they took blood tests looked at my scans spoke to me and told me to come back in the morning at 7.30am to the early pregnancy unit.
I walked in with my partner to the early pregnancy unit they admitted me and sent me for more blood tests I walked back up to the rooms and went through my options with me. I had barely processed what had just happened let alone what the best way to deal with this was. I was given three options, a) I could be given medication to take home with me and see if my body would do this naturally at home, b) I could be induced at the hospital and wait a few hours, or c) to have an operation. Now I have had a fair few operations in my past so I wasn’t keen on that idea, I chose option b. they were slightly worried about me because of my past operations and how far along I actually was. They admitted me for safety precautions and to monitor me, I was given the inducing medication and then it was a waiting game. It was a long wait and I ended up telling my partner to go home and rest, then 3am the next morning the inevitable happened. After hours of contractions, it all started.
It was intense, traumatic and heart wrenching, gushes of blood and clots came out of me, I couldn’t think I pressed the button for the nurses and did as they told me and tried to collect everything in the bucket like thing they had given me. The bleeding, however, did not stop and they were worried, all of a sudden 3 doctors and 5 nurses were in the room with me removing my clothes, trying to “scrap” me out and using gauze to stop the bleeding. I then felt a bigger clot, it was, in fact, my baby, my doctor cleaned it up for me and asked if I wanted to look. I didn’t think I just tried to sit up, I was then presented with this perfectly formed little human that was no bigger than my pinky finger, with arms, legs a body a head and forming of a face. My heart at that point melted.
After that all I remember was being rush wheeled up to an emergency operation because I had lost over two litres of blood, what felt like five minutes but was actually about forty-five I woke up from my operation and was in the recovery room. The empty feeling is indescribable, but for a very long time and still, now I don’t feel complete.
Coming home I was still bleeding slightly which is pretty normal, but I was terrified of anything going near that “area” after what has just come out of there. For nearly three weeks I was petrified it would hurt or it would start bleeding again, not to mention every time I went to the bathroom I was too scared to look down just in case there was blood. Now I have no issues with blood but with this I did, and it was a horrible feeling.
Fast forward three weeks and I finally plucked up the courage to try something. Thoughts were running through my head like if I don’t try and force myself my partner is going to look elsewhere if I don’t give him something soon! My doctor had told me to wait two weeks to allow my body to heal, he also recommended waiting three months before trying to conceive again. Now, this is different for everyone but at the end of the day, it’s completely up to you and your own personal feelings. No one truly knows how well they will cope and when they will be ready. Never force yourself it’s more damaging than helpful!
It is scary and intimidating and extremely personal! But if you are comfortable try out gentle things first, go slow and make sure your partner understands that you are scared, and communicate! I cannot stress enough how important communication is, in this situation but also so many other situations! It’s not something you can just google to get the right answers, everyone is so different and everyone reacts and copes differently. The best advice I can give is to go slow and talk, don’t rush into it and if it doesn’t feel right now it doesn’t mean it won’t always feel that way. Time is your best friend, and there is no shame in waiting. The body is extremely personal, and even though everyone is made with the same parts it does not mean everyone uses or reacts the same with them. This is the reason why intimacy is so personal and the reason why everyone likes different things and feels different ways, you cannot give a blanket description to what everyone will like let alone what everyone will be comfortable with after a traumatic event. Words and body language are a powerful tool that needs to be used more frequently. This is also the same with using sex toys in the bedroom, that “area” is tender and firmer or large sex toys that were once comfortable and pleasurable may not be now or for a while. Listen to your body start slow and small and build up to a level that is comfortable for you. There is absolutely no shame in starting off slow, small, gentle and working your way up.
Author: Morgan is a consultant from Oh Zone Adult Lifestyle Centres
Meet Morgan, a young designer advocating equality and speaking out against violence. Her journey in the adult industry has been transformative.