“To know whether something is meant to be yours, let go of it. If it returns, it has always been yours to have. If it doesn’t, it was never meant to be.” ~ Celestine Chua
I’m feeling reflective and a little concerned about many people’s theories about moving on from a relationship, although I haven’t been in many relationships I have been in two full on ones.
One was a mental jail, one in which I was consumed by control and abuse. The other is still an incredibly complicated topic.
“To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.” – Lewis Smedes
Different Types Of Relationships
I categorise relationships into “high school” and “adult”; high school relationships are ones where there is only the good parts – dates, movies, photos, love, sappy messages and phone calls. Adult relationships there are bills, work, children, life, love, homes etc. These to me define a relationship and the deep connection a relationship brings. I have had my “high school” relationships and to be honest I thought they were pointless, they went nowhere and I’d rather quickly moved them along… It was the “adult” relationship I drove for, the kind of relationship where you could be completely you, on every level possible. There was no hiding from it, you were just your raw vulnerable self always.
A Relationship After Abuse
I dislike getting into a new relationship, which is probably why I invest and spend so much time going overboard making my relationship work, even when it’s already broken. A relationship after abuse is hard, not so much in the sense of trusting the person but more in my own actions. I dislike being touched, hugged and any physical contact really until I feel comfortable with that person. There has only been one person so far that I have felt instantly comfortable with, I am talking within the first 30 seconds of meeting them I was strangely calm, relaxed and have never felt that way before. 99% of people including my family members I physically cringe when they touch me, including those who feel the need to touch me on the shoulder or shake my hand, there is physical pain written all over my face!
Self Sabotaging Relationships
I sabotage my own relationships which is my biggest issue. I get into my head that I am not worth it or that I am not good enough, these are the excuses I make for the way I am treated by others. I reject myself before I can be rejected – this is my coping mechanism. Truth is I am never rejected; I make myself so emotionally unavailable that the person who is interested is pushed away, the person doesn’t see “us” going anywhere so they themselves move on. I have walls so big that an atomic bomb couldn’t blast through until I choose to let them down, defensive or what!
What I Have Learned
What I have learned though is to give everyone the same respect and opportunities; I don’t bring negative experiences from past relationships onto the next and I do believe everything happens for a reason. Someone can treat you with love, respect and be the most caring person you have come across but not to be in a relationship with you. My hardest hurdle in relationships has been thinking I cannot be treated well unless they love me and have committed to me.
Basically I keep all my walls up and essentially wait for them to hurt me so I can move on, this is the completely wrong way to go about relationships whether they are friendships or relationships. I am sincerely appreciative of that one person who has showed me the cliché “not all men are the same” but truly when you have never been treated that way before it is a huge eye opener! It really does show you that you deserve to be treated well no matter what happens!
On the flip side overcoming heartbreak can be so damn hard! And let’s be real, when we are so focused on what went wrong and question ourselves about every tiny detail how could we really heal? One of the best things I had learnt is to focus on myself, not love myself before anyone else could love me or blah blah blah…. But to focus on myself, take notice of myself and make myself happy. Your wellbeing is a priority and you are important! Never forget that!
You have to make choices; you either deal with it head on or forget about it and move on, you can’t distract yourself or overwork yourself you need to make a choice and put yourself into it completely. Rising up to the challenge will allow you to be free from the pain; it will take time but that’s all a part of healing. There is no room for guilt either, if you had made a mistake you need to accept it and move on, ongoing guilt is a killer. You can’t be hard on yourself in this process of healing, you need to feel your emotions and acknowledge them. Suppressing them is the easy way out and it only ends up hurting more in the end. Go through the motions its normal, it’s a part of being human! The human mind is a very powerful tool, you can either use it to help you move forward or they will keep you in a state of fear, sadness and regret! Take each day as it comes and remember only you can choose your attitude and that will uplift you!
“This is a good sign, having a broken heart. It means we have tried for something.” -Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love
There are so many ways to heal and recover after you have felt the paralysing effect of heartbreak, but the most important thing for you to know and for anyone to tell you is that IT IS POSSIBLE! Hardship can be overcome in so many wonderful ways and life has a funny way of giving you solutions when you least expect it, but you have to be wiling. The only way to be happy and have a mended heart is if you truly want it and seek for it. A good way to reconnect with a lover through passion is to use adult products like massage oils, intimate fragrances and romantic games.
Morgan x
Author: Morgan is a consultant from Oh Zone Adult Lifestyle Centres
Meet Morgan, a young designer advocating equality and speaking out against violence. Her journey in the adult industry has been transformative.