For some Christmas sex is an exciting event that occurs after a wonderful warm and happy Christmas. Pleasantly drunk and riding high on the waves of gifts, attention and family time, Christmas sex can be special, red lingerie with white fur trim, funny Christmas themed boxers coupled with plenty of time off work it is the perfect storm of arousal… for some. See the key to amazing Christmas sex seems to be having a place to do it. A room with a bed and a door that locks might not seem like too much to ask but when the whole family is in town; space is a luxury that few have.
I was sitting around on Boxing Day with a group of couple friends (we are a friendship group made up of couples, get it couple friends), all of us fleeing from our families for a few precious hours and the topic of Christmas sex came up. All of us, every single one had found getting busy a near impossibility, we all knew that Christmas could and should be a sexy time but all of us found it wasn’t in the cards this year. Little privacy, too many people around, shared sleeping arrangements and the closeness of ears all kept us with our pants disappointedly on. And I totally get why, when I think of Christmas sex I don’t think of a quickie in the bathroom while Mum and Grandma go out to get more fruit for the pav, Christmas sex should be slow, loving and relaxed. However much like the holiday itself, Christmas sex never turns out that way.
Inspired by this I’ve decided to compile a list of the potential locations that you can use when you want to get down but need to be subtle about it. Now while this list was inspired by my Christmas trip home, these tips will be useful for a range of situations including:
- Still living at home with parents
- People with Kids still living at home (young and old)
- Non-Christmas home visits
- Share houses
- Anytime you want to have sex but not have everyone know about it.
In these locations, you can even bring your favourite couple’s sex toy with you!
While a quickie bent over the sink maybe your bathroom sex habit, but you can take some extra time and get more creative. Put the towels on the floor to create a soft surface, close the toilet lid and use it as a seat, jump in the shower together and get clean and dirty at the same time.
Advantages: Usually pretty clean, running water can cover any noise and clean-up will be simple because you are already where you needed to be.
Disadvantages: Having sex in the same room as the loo, cold tiles and someone may need to use the bathroom while you are in there.
Pro-tip: This works best in a house with more than one bathroom.
Maybe not the first choice but a quiet garage can be the perfect place for some loving. There is normally plenty of space and garages are usually pretty separate from the rest of the house. Plus they can lock. Take a blanket, a bottle of wine and set up for some alone time. HOWEVER this will not work if you have a garage person in your house (A dad, brother, uncle etc. that hangs out in the shed more than anywhere else) It could get weird.
Advantages: Normally empty, normally lockable and away from people.
Disadvantages: It’s a garage with tools, oil and a lawn mower etc. A garage is more open to the elements and lets be real no one really keeps them very clean.
Is there a laundry room in the house? Does it have a door? If so you’ve got a place to get busy! Parents have known this one for years and have made it a classic! The laundry is a loud mostly empty room that kids never go in. During the holidays the laundry may see more action (of the washing type) but if you time it right this could really work.
Advantages: Loud room to cover sounds, potential for many soft surfaces (as long as you don’t mind dirty clothes) and the washing machine may even have a part to play in your fun. Put it on a spin cycle, feels the stimulating sensations as if it were a vibrator, start foreplay and thank me later.
Disadvantages: The laundry room can be at the centre of the house and many even are a thoroughfare. This will only work for the right laundry. Also Mum may burst in to see how the nappy soaking is going.
Do Mum and Dad still have your childhood cubby house in their yard? Make use of it! While a little cramped and dusty it can do quite well in a pinch and it brings new meaning to playing house.
Advantages: No one has looked at that thing for years so as long as you are sneaky getting in and out you should be able to go undetected. Plus being outside the main house gives it more privacy, actually on second thought, why didn’t we just stay in the cubby house?
Disadvantages: Seriously no one has been in there for years so watch for spiders and bugs. Also I advise doing this with a long disused cubby house. Don’t do this in one that is still being used by children, you don’t want to scar them for life.
A classic. Drive to an isolated location, turn on the radio and fog up the windows.
Advantages: It’s mobile, the doors lock and in the right model the seat warmers can add a welcome addition on a cold night.
Disadvantages: A car has windows that people can see into. Sex in public spaces is also risky and you could get arrested (although a warning is much more likely).
This is very similar to the car but instead you find a secluded spot, set up a blanket and connect not only with your partner but the great outdoors as well.
Advantage: You are finally alone so no need to hold back, also the rush of having sex outdoors can be fun.
Disadvantages: Not picking the right location and ending up scaring some nice hikers with your bare arse. Also bug bites and sun burn. Also as with the car, kind of illegal.
And that’s it, I’m out of ideas for alternative places to do but before I go I just want to remind you, I take no responsibility for any broken laws or embarrassment. You should definitely have a look at these crazy places to have public sex!
Author: Jamie is a consultant from Oh Zone Adult Lifestyle Centres