It is a strange thing getting old, in some ways I am physically and mentally more comfortable with my self than I have ever been. This is true for most women as they age I think. I smile when I think about all the hangups I used to have about myself and my body when I was young. What I wouldn’t do for that body now. I think someone famous once said, “youth is wasted on the young”, and It is true.
I am a consultant at the Oh Zone Adult Lifestyle Centres and was surprised at the demographic of the people who come into the store at first, I guess I had been duped by the media to a certain extent into believing sex was a playground predominantly for the young. It turns out it probably swings the other way. Speaking for myself, I have gained a genuine desire to try out new things. In my youth I experimented, but often that was born out of some immature need to live up to the image I had created for myself, or some silly need to impress the boys. Things are different now though, I am in my mid forties and I have been with the same partner for 18 years. He is a few years younger than me and sexually like a teenager. On paper it should be ideal, we should be having non stop experimental sex together, but we are not. In fact I am afraid to say it is often the case, that I have sex just to get him off my case. It is awful really, I know it, and he knows it and unsurprisingly he hates it. I thought we would be romping our way into an old peoples home together, but that isn’t the case. What is strange is that once we get started having any kind of sex, I really really enjoy it, It’s just that I never want to get started! It wasn’t making any sense to me.
Never one to sit in the problem and always one to seek a solution I have done a bit of research. The first thing I found out is I am certainly not alone in feeling this way with my Loss of Libido. This is really common. This decrease in desire can start as young as thirty. It is often hormonal based as a woman moves towards menopause, she can experience the physical changes that can make sex painful and hormone changes that are akin to going through a backwards puberty! There are creams and medications to address these things, but medical menopause is a subject on its own. What I will say though, is there has been a hell of a lot more research and headway made in addressing male sexual dysfunction than there has been with Female.
While some might find relief in the medicine cabinet for Loss of Libido for me and many others it is much more complex. Sex drive is inextricably wrapped up in emotions. When I feel upset or tired, over worked or underappreciated in life, or in my relationship. Sometimes quite subconsciously, I don’t feel like ‘giving’ anymore of myself. Studies have found that even when a woman is turned on physically, she will still not desire sex unless she is mentally in touch with the ‘idea’ of being turned on. One answer to that would be for us women to get ourselves mentally in touch with being turned on, Get our partners out of our minds, and get our minds thinking about our sexual health. Whether that be through watching a bit of porn on our own before bed time, or fantasizing about a movie star or old boyfriend. We are not being unfaithful, just separating sex from day to day emotional distractions.
Obviously it is much better to deal with any relationship communication problem at its root . This doesn’t have to mean counseling or anything frightening like that, it can simply be a case of identifying the things that are getting in the way for you and addressing them. It might be that you feel your partner is only nice when he wants something. Perhaps he doesn’t do enough housework or spends too much time doing his own thing. These little things mount up. Our partners aren’t mind readers though. It is up to us to identify our own sources of anger or resentment. You need to let them know what is happening with you.
The most important thing is to communicate your feelings to your partner in a way that is going to get you the results you want. Don’t bombard a person with the stuff they do wrong. Turn it around, tell them how much their affections mean to you and how great it makes you feel when you are appreciated. Never underestimate the power you have. Your partner wants the same results you do so will probably be more than willing to sort out an ongoing gripe about the amount of house work you both do. You really really need to set time aside for each other that is away from kids and the phone and TV too, not for sex, but to feel like a team again. A woman needs to feel connected to her partner and that is the only way to do it.
There are women out there who unlike me don’t enjoy the benefits of feeling a bit more comfortable in their own skin as they get older. Some women find physically aging distressing. You simply lose confidence. That needs fixing before you will see changes in your sex drive. The fact is if you don’t feel good about your self, you are presuming the rest of the world is thinking the same about you. This is nonsense. You have to do everything you can to build your own self esteem. Buy lingerie that makes you feel good. Forget about what your partner likes, get a make over, get botox, get your hair done. There are personal shoppers in most stores book an appointment and get some fresh eyes to give you a new look. Did you know that when a guy is with a woman for a long time, he psychologically morphs the old you with the present you. You look much better to him than you do to yourself. Take comfort in that.
I would love to say my sex life is just fine now with me and my partner, but as is often the case with these things, Loss of Libido doesn’t get fixed overnight. It all takes time. I probably wouldn’t have written any of this though if it wasn’t working just a little bit.